DIL is really miserable

[UppityDIL]

DIL has a few mental health issues and takes numerous medication. She sometimes appears very quiet and vacant, I understand this is probably the side effects of her medication.

DH and I are always friendly and ask her if she’s ok, try and make polite conversation etc. Last week they visited and she was particularly ‘off’. I asked if she was ok and she just glanced and muttered something then looked away. She spent the rest of the visit silent.

On the phone later I said to my son, if she doesn’t feel like she wants to engage in conversation that’s fine, but it makes me uncomfortable that she just sits there silently. Maybe she shouldn’t visit if she doesn’t want to engage in conversation and hopefully we can see her when she’s feeling a bit better.

We have tried to support her but she won’t discuss anything with us, which of course is her choice, but makes it harder for us to understand and support her.

Today we were at a family function and she blanked both DH and I. We tried to make conversation and she just looked at us like something she’d trodden in and ignored us.

DH said to DS why is she so rude to us? And he said because she felt we should apologise for suggesting she shouldn’t visit if she’s going to sit there in silence.

im not sure who is being unreasonable?

Mentally ill or not she sounds like a nightmare though

So she didnt want to talk to you at the event and you kept mothering her anyway? Despite saying if she doesnt want to talk to you she can avoid you (for example by not coming to the house)

You keep asking her what's up so you can support her...the way YOU want to offer support. Support her by leaving her alone.

Perhaps you are both overly chatty and talk at her. Maybe she doesnt want an interview.

The more you push the more hostile she will be. All you are doing is creating a you and DH against her and DS

I agree with @RealBecca

I also think your thread title and username betray how you really feel about your DIL.

Lol are you being delibrately obtuse. Why do you keep referring to her mental health problems, whats that got to do with you? It's none of your business and you sound ridiculous to keep trying to play that it must be her mental health card. She clearly does not like you and it's not hard to wonder why.
You said yourself she was fine talking to everyone else and ignored you and your husband. Yeah! Because she clearly does not like you! You are also doing everything you can to ensure she hates you even more. Like talking crap to her husband about her.
What is with these crazy MIL. She does not liek you and you clearly don't like her so stop trying to force a relationship that is not there. She clearly wants nothing to do with you. Just keep in contact with your son and leave her alone. She will probably be alot happier if she never sees you again. You probably will be too.

Maybe she’s ‘miserable’ because your son is an arsehole to her behind closed doors?

You have no way of knowing what’s actually wrong because you’re relying on him for all your information.

Even the people with mental health issues on here are too narrow minded to realise just because you have experienced a certain set of symptoms that many other people will experience completely different symptoms and to varying degrees. Just because you managed to function doesn't mean everyone can. I hate to break it to you but that just means you didn't have it that bad.
As for 'mental health is no excuse for rudeness' yeah I think hearing voices, having major delusions, believing you are a character from a film and about a million other possibilities, tends to make you a bit paranoid and appear a bit 'rude'.
Would love to see you approach a patient who's been straight jacketed and strapped to a bed, I'm sure a lecture on conduct and manners will do just the trick 😂

She sounds quite rude & self-obsessed. As if everything is about her.

I think this is a very fair reply. I worked at a Mind drop-in center for a couple years, and we all rubbed along quite nicely. Scrabble usually works, in between endless rounds of tea.

What does your son think?

Another fake post to get people going in the hope of getting picked up by the dailymail lol

He feels caught in the middle. He is very supportive but also recognises she is rude to people as his friends have also made comments
He doesn’t know what to do and feels stressed out about it all

You've been very mean in a very nice way. The worst kind of meanness. And the person you've been most mean to is your son who is probably very uncomfortable, under a lot of pressure and now has to leave her at home to see you.

Would you be so unpleasant if she had cancer? Because depression is easily as bad as many cancers.

Unless you're genuinely fine with him staying home with her, you've put him in a horrible position. I certainly wouldn't discuss my health with you. She's made a good call there

One day this lady may be the gate keeper of your grandchildren. You better hope she feels 'comfortable' around you or she might suggest you stay at home when their granddad visits.

You'll regret this day's work for a very long time no matter how good your arguments for doing it.

On reading your update OP my sympathies, that’s just bratty behaviour as you’ve been perfectly reasonable and kind. I hope this doesn’t affect your relationship with your so n.

He doesn’t know what to do and feels stressed out about it all

What a lovely mum you've been then, knowing this already!

"Your illness makes me uncomfortable so don't come over" is unacceptable imo. Regardless of the illness.

She was childish to blank you at the family function. But I'd not want to speak to you again if I were her.

When I was on medication it turned me into a zombie, I couldn’t hold a conversation to save my life even when I so desperately wanted to. People told me I was rude aswell, I wasn’t rude! I just wasn’t able to fit in with the way they wanted to communicate and actually looking back they were the rude ones for continuously making me feel shit about it. I suspect it’s much the same with your DIL.

As someone who has had to accept a very strained relationship with my own in laws I can tell you that MH issues or not you won't feel any more comfortable or less resentful around each other unless you actually talk to each other (not via a ln exasperated man who's probably living in his own oblivious little lala land) You may learn to tolerate each other for the sake of grandkids/your son but you won't actually get anything positive out of interacting with each other so it's pointless.

My in laws have blanked me/gaslighted me/strawman scenarioed me to a point that I've accepted now that they're never really going to accept me or value me. That's fine. I grit my teeth when I'm around them but tbh I only bother to do that for the sake of my dd and my nieces.

If your DIL is really being as difficult as you say she is then I can almost guarantee that it isn't about the MH it's also about something that you do to make her feel uncomfortable. Either you both need to wind your neck in and tolerate each other or you need to be adults and talk it through in an open minded and respectful way instead of point scoring with each other and playing chinese whispers with a man who in all honesty probably just wants an easy life.

The way you say you put it in your update is very different to the intended message which you put in your op. I don't think they're under any illusions about the meaning.

I'm sure her behavior to you did feel personal. Making it clear that you only want her in the house if she's engaged and 'not vacant' is very personal to someone who is dealing with medications and unwell. You do need to own your behaviour. If you try to pass it off as something done for her benefit ('don't feel under pressure') when it was actually for yours ('why should I feel uncomfortable?) you're gaslighting which is pretty toxic and won't do anything for your relationship with anyone. You were thinking of yourself, not being kind. She got it. Don't play games now.

Would you be so unpleasant if she had cancer? Because depression is easily as bad as many cancers.

Absolutely this! I’ve had depression and I’ve had cancer which I was sure would end my life at one point, whilst this may be an extremely unpopular opinion I’d take the cancer over having to go through depression again as at least then people were understanding about why I was the way I was and didn’t try to bring me down or exclude me.

If you'd have said that she doesn't have to feel obligated to come over if she's not up for it. That's fair enough. But saying she shouldn't come unless she will be appropriately engaging when you know she is struggling is rude. Maybe even without communicating she is getting something out of those visits. I understand its awkward and you might not think you are in the wrong. However, I hope you understand that by not apologising you'll push them away.

Your username is enough to make me say YABU.

YABU. You've pretty much said that unless she is willing to engage in conversation that she shouldn't come. And that she shouldn't come to socialize again until she is better.

Your user name shows you don't have much empathy for her, and therefore I find it highly likely that you suggested she didn't visit anymore for 'her benefit.

Honestly, if the roles were reversed and her parents wrote this kind of post about your son, how would you feel?

I hate the word "uppity". It has strong misogynistic undertones and is wildly racist when used in reference to black people.

So now it's not just you that's offended by your DIL's depression, it's your son's friends too? I wonder if he's telling her this? He sounds a peach too.

Your poor DOL sounds really unwell.
Please tell her you always want to see her and apologise for coming across badly.
Buy her some flowers and offer lots of practical help, look after dc, cook her dinner etc

Empty words can never be considered as support op

I think if you genuinely want to be supportive you need to stop making this about you. Ask your ds how you can support. Apologise to dil for your rudeness and tell her you will do better. Stop judging and looking for faults and hopefully in time your dil will trust you.