Work full time with teens?

[HappyKoala56]

AIBU to consider a full time job with a teen and pre-teen (13 and 11)? How do other ft working parents manage with kids of these sort of ages? They are ok to stay home on their own for short times and neither are anxious with this, but it would mean 2 hours on their own after school until I get home which feels like a lot. And then what do I do in school holidays? It's a long time to be by themselves, but they don't appreciate all day clubs. I feel stuck in this middle ground of they are too old for childcare but too young for prolonged periods on their own. What does everyone do?
For context I don't HAVE to work ft, hence why I'm not sure if iabu. I have my own business and work part time currently, but I have put all career progression on hold for the past 14 years to be around for the kids and I'm eager to get back on working on myself. Do I leave it another year or 2?
YABU - stay home longer
YANBU - go get that job!

Eh?

Sorry I meant that in reference to @Howardsbend comment that......

And we wonder why we have a crisis with screen addiction, obesity, substance abuse and mental health issues in our adolescents.

Look I am not saying people can’t manage FT jobs and time for teens. I’m sure some parents manage beautifully especially if they have flexible jobs/ teach/WFH etc but in my experience, my personal experience, it was a disaster.

I was pregnant at 16 and why? Because I had plenty of opportunity and was lonely. Is this my parents fault? Partially, because money mattered more than time. A termination is terrifying at a young age. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

You need to know where your teens are and be available

Agree 100%

Luxxlisbon, I'm no attacking full time parents of teens I am one! I am referring to the posts from people with infants that don't seem to grasp there are challenges that are equally difficult when bringing up those at secondary school. A poster had said that caring for infants is unavoidable whereas you don't have that dependency when they are older and that everything is discretionary at that age- quite simply it isn't!

You were pregnant at 16 because you had sex

That's how it works unfortunately

Maybe it's time to stop blaming everything on your parents and take some personal responsibility

No, as I said upthread, they got home at 6-7pm, cooked dinner and had the rest of the evening free.
I did do some clubs and activities,, but they were straight after school and I just caught the later bus home, so my parents didn't need to be involved. Going to later activities just wasn't an option (as they worked) - it never bothered me though.

And no, I didn't really go out much with friends after school as I was at private school and my friends lived all over the place - we all had working parents, so socialising after school wasn't really a "thing" - it was all done in school, or at weekends/during the holidays.

I don't know what you're sorry about. Not everyone has a busy household or teens who socialise every night and do a million activities. I had a very happy home life either way.

I can't quite believe you're blaming a teen pregnancy on the fact that your parents worked full-time. That's quite the reach even for MN.

I think that poster was talking about costs. With toddlers you either need to pay for childcare or sacrifice your salary. Another poster said teenagers were more expensive and the previous poster said that things like activities and branded clothing and tech are discretionary in a way that caring for a toddler is not. No one has said that caring for a teen is discretionary but there is more discretion in how you do it

@Hastingsontheup

Yes, daily

My parents also managed this just fine, as did all the FT parents of my friends, and all the FT parents of older children I know currently

And it is really annoying to be told that actually you can forgo all these things and that you are being OTT especially if it is from someone with only young children and they don't have a clue.

Not sure what you meant I have been FT WOHM of teens for 7 years.

I know they were talking about costs and comparably speaking teenagers are more expensive and rhe expense is not discretionary!

Yeah sorry I think this is bollocks.

@Festoonlights

Most parents don't do all that in one night

That's how it's possible

Many parents prep their kids lunches on a Sunday, cleaning again is done at the weekend with only quick wipe arounds after work.

At 11 and 13 most children also pitch in

When I was a teen my parents had hours of time with us after work, and they came home at 6 and 6:30
We'd chat while they were cooking dinner, spoke about our days over the table, 1-1 time after as I usually went for an evening walk with my dad and my brother then had 1-1 time with my mum.

Weekends were family focused outside of a few hours cleaning on a Sunday

I'm sorry your parents were shit and didn't make time for you

I'm sorry you blame them for a lot of things that if we take a step back are your choices and yours alone

But it's absolutely ridiculous to claim working FT parents can't fit in caring about their kids when home from work

@Hastingsontheup

I was replying to your comment that quoted one of mine.

Maybe read your own posts.

I agree with this. Just for them to know that one of their parents is available and ready to listen/ help. I never felt I could approach my mum with my teen angst, it wasn’t her fault, she had to work full time as we were in a difficult financial position, but she was exhausted and often fell asleep in the armchair after dinner!

That is a really uncomfortable read. I am really sorry to say but it smacks of immaturity to be honest, and I think it sounds like you need to take responsibility for your own actions and stop blaming your parents

You cannot go through life blaming your parents for your own choices. You could have used the spare time in many ways, got a part time job, become more studious or joined a choir, but you chose sex instead.

Have you thought that maybe they actually really needed the money, to keep a roof over all your heads? Your tone reads like you think they were having a good time out partying or something, rather than trying to provide a better life......but still getting blamed for your choices

I don't doubt it was a hard thing for a teenager to go through.

I was pregnant at 16 and am now the mother of an adult - however I do not blame my parents. This was entirely my choice

My mother was a SAHP for practically my whole childhood.
She was less emotionally (and often practically) available to me during my teen years than I am to my own teens, even though I work full time.

Being physically available is not the same thing as actually being helpfully available.

Depending on your job, it's also quite possible for teens to phone/message (and my teens certainly do!) your parent at work, if they have a pressing (whether just to them, or genuinely pressing) issue that can't wait until the parent gets home.

Generally people don't factor in loss of income when calculating the costs of preschool children.

Costs of preschool children for me (salary of ~£36K pre children):
maternity leave of 9 months receiving full pay for 4 months, then SMP for another 5 months. Cost in lost salary of ~£13K over 9 months.
Returned to work (newly pregnant) FT, DH reduced hours by 20%, childcare costs of £600pcm. Cost in salary reduction and childcare of ~£11k over 8 months.
Second maternity leave of 9 months as above, kept DC1 in childcare 1 day a week, DH went back to work FT. Cost in salary loss and childcare of ~£15k over 9 months.
Returned to work, DH and I both went to 0.8 FTE, both children under 3 in childcare 3 days a week. DD1 starts receiving 'free hours' few months after return to work. Cost in salary reduction and childcare of £64k over 29 months.
Maternity leave 3 of 1 year with final 3 months on no pay. DC1 at school, DC2 in nursery 3 days a week. DH returns to work FT. Cost of £22K over 1 year.
Return to work, DH and I both 0.8 FTE. DC3 in nursery 3 days a week, DC1&2 in wrap around care and holiday clubs during holidays. Cost of ~£28K pa for 4 years = £112K.
So the cost to us of lost salary and childcare for 3 children from the birth of the first until the youngest start school was ~£240K over just under 10 years 😭.

Once the youngest started school we increased our hours and rejigged them so we each did 2 short days a week so we could do school drop off and pick up. Our childcare bill dropped to 10% of what it was before and our salaries increased by 12%. we felt so rich and now with teenagers we have so much money, our salaries have gone up, we work FT and we have no childcare costs. Yes, the food bill has gone up and clothes are more expensive and they do lots of sports but it's far far less than the massive bills we had previously. We're expecting University to feel expensive but even with 2 at uni at the sane time it will still be a lower percent of our income than the most expensive years of childcare.

Being physically available is not the same thing as actually being helpfully available.

Exactly this.

No-one knows your DC as well as you do. If you think they'll be fine, they'll be fine. You might be able to negotiate different hours for the summer holidays - they'll be another year older by then, so the situation might have changed. Better for your DC to have a happy mum working than a mum not-so-happy at home.

I absolutely do blame them to some degree - my mother never had time to sit down and explain.

I was sexually assaulted in the park - the first time I was only 13! There were fully grown men there. Much worse happened that I won’t go into.

I was too young to take ‘personal responsibility’
I shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

@Festoonlights

You keep saying your mother didn't have time to explain

Why not accept your mother was a shit parent and focus on that

Instead of pretending it's down to her being busy

Also might be worth investing in some therapy

You don’t know the circumstances, so actually no I won’t be taking responsibility any time soon.
Yes my parents should have been available.