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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child’s birthday party - accidentally invited the class horror

230 replies

MyToasterHatesMe · 10/09/2022 06:32

My little one has a party today. They’ve just started school and we didn’t want to invite all the kids so party invites were a bit of a grab-bag of nursery friends, kids that he seemed to get on with, parents I chatted to etc. Now we’re a week in I’m getting the feeling that one of the kids is pretty poorly behaved - runs out of class at home time rather than waiting to be called, has tried to pick my (not small!) child up when they were queuing up and carried on when asked not to, hit him repeatedly. Mine seems to like playing with him but says that he suddenly hits, pushes etc. He’s not totally wild and the parents seem on it (I think?) - plus it’s all new being at school and I can imagine that affects behaviour.

Anyway - there’s nothing too structured at the party but if this kid starts hitting / crashing into the food table / being unpleasant - what do I actually do? A parent will be there - how do I politely say that they need to make it stop? Help!

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 10/09/2022 10:07

Quite frankly, you are a better person than me. I just don't have the tolerance for it. My own child has special needs and is challenging so maybe that's where all my patience is going.

😂😂

I'm definitely not a better person, I get a lot of things wrong, certainly on the parenting front. I do probably feel empathy with kids, I was far from badly behaved as a kid, way too 'good' but was always scared of being given out to. That said, I do absolutely agree with the points about parents ignoring bad behaviour - it's infuriating.

And absolutely - SEN parenting requires a world of patience & one I've no experience of.

peasandtoastfortea · 10/09/2022 10:08

Otherwise just enjoy your party

EarringsandLipstick · 10/09/2022 10:08

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/09/2022 10:00

The 'Class Horror' at DD2's primary really struggled with everything from the moment he walked in a classroom for the first time. The kid was even the subject of a newspaper article where a bunch of the other parents were demanding that he was removed from the class and complaining that their kids were being adversely affected by his existence.

DD's description of him after he'd bowled over to us in the playground to say hello and chat a couple of days in a row (almost every day after that until they left four years later) was 'He's alright, can be a bit of a pain in class but the others are really mean to him, so I'm not surprised he reacts to that. And I don't think anybody's very nice to him at home either'. I think he was likely to have been eventually diagnosed with ADHD or something similar, but she invited him to her parties and although we needed to make sure there was a bit of structure so not everything was full on, uncontrolled stimulation and he had help to get food and space to run around, he was absolutely fine. As far as I know, she was the only one to ever invite him to anything.

By the time they were 16, he'd grown into 6 foot plus of pure energy and muscle, had been moved to alternative provision and would walk her home if he saw her getting off her bus in winter 'so you're safe' or offer to help me carry shopping if he ever saw me coming out of Sainsburys with lots of bags.

He was a nice kid. Yours, OP, could be like him.

That's a great story. Fair play to your DD ❤️

Skiphopbump · 10/09/2022 10:16

Kids parties need to be structured, even the older ones in primary school or they do tend to run riot!
I imagine a few parents will stay especially if they know their child is a bit of a handful.

User473847284737 · 10/09/2022 10:18

I hope you have some good entertainment lined up as they will all turn into 'horrors'.

in all honestly, you need to get a grip. The child is 4, only been in school a few days and labelling him the class horror based on seeing him for a few minutes in the day is not cool. Doesn't sound too unusual but if the parents stay you haven't got much of a problem.

my son used to get really overwhelmed when school finished and the pace picks up, all the parents outside and kids leaving. That could explain the running out the door or it could be that he's 4 and still getting used to things.

I don't think yo should judge op.

SeizeTheDay2Day · 10/09/2022 10:21

🙄

Agadoodoododont · 10/09/2022 10:34

They are small, 4 year old children. You are an adult. Therefore you take control.
Use the tactics you use as a parent and teachers use —- distract, separate, use your voice. Pushing —- I don’t think we want to push each other, we’re going to play X.
Hitting. We don’t hit in our house, let’s sit you here.
They’re small kids, not the devil incarnate!

ElectedOnThursday · 10/09/2022 10:35

I don't think your toaster is the only one that hates you.

Cockerdileteeth · 10/09/2022 10:58

I think it's more helpful to see a 4 year old's difficult behaviour as reflecting unmet needs in the moment, or skills they haven't developed yet, as opposed to a child who is "a little shit/horror".

Any posters on here snapped inappropriately at someone this week? Are you "a little shit"? Or were you tired/physically hurting/stressed & overwhelmed/etc, and had a lapse?

Any posters on here ever had the embarrassment of putting their foot in their mouth at a social event? Are you "a little shit" upsetting folk because you're a little shit, or were you in an unfamiliar social situation/with new people, and missing some information?

4 year olds are human too, same goes for them but with way fewer skills and way less ability to self-regulate added to the mix.

Doesn't make the behaviour OK - for the 4 year old or the adult - but we can respond and communicate that compassionately while still holding the necessary boundaries (such as hitting people's not OK). Writing off the child ("little shit") or uninviting them is out of order.

Prinnny · 10/09/2022 11:40

Of course kids can be little shits 🙄

Anyway, you’re massively overthinking it OP, say no hitting, kind hands etc call it out everytime and involve the parents. If the child hurts others and the parents are ineffective don’t invite him again. Simples.

Farmmum77 · 10/09/2022 12:20

Hopeandlove · 10/09/2022 08:22

My son is having a birthday party today. He is 9 today. Between the two classes they have 10 boys. One of the mums has a WA group solely for boys the idea being initially to bond them as the ratio is 1:5 in each class. It's me worrying slightly that they do activities eg bowling and just invite boys. Not just that they see boys stuff as stuff to do without the girls -but I accept their initial intent was there as a positive. One boy let's call him David -has NEVER been invited to a single party, his Mum was not invited to the WA group. The boys are now in Year4 and I joined in lockdown in Year 2.
Today my son has his party as an adventure party in our local woods run by an instructor. He has girls coming, the boys and invited David.
When I invited David his mum was shocked -did you mean to invite David she said -he hasn't been invited to anything before. Yes I said. David has ADHD, the instructor is aware. It's 2 hours. David is in a mainstream school. It could be hard work but so is mine at times!!-but we won't know until he is given the opportunity. My son says if it helps David feel loved and included then his birthday is complete. We've not done it as a charity. We've done it to invite those that he really gets on with and that he enjoys speaking to.

Your post gave me chills it breaks my heart how and mum and child can be so heartlessly excluded by people who think their kids are better - well done you for not being one of them, you and your son are some of the few people that help me not completely lose faith in human beings.

Onceuponatimethen · 10/09/2022 16:21

@Hopeandlove you are the change I want to see in the world. If everyone did this then the world wouldn’t be so lonely for children with SEN.

Fivemoreminutesinbed · 10/09/2022 16:54

I would organise a softplay party IP. So much easier to organise and the children let off steam.

Fivemoreminutesinbed · 10/09/2022 17:08

Also the first year of school you can't leave a child out. Maybe the year after but not reception!

Goldfishjones · 10/09/2022 17:27

I know this doesn't answer your question but please remember that this child may have only just turned 4 and could be a whole year younger than yours.

Also, my son was like this in his first week of reception, awful behaviour. It lasted two weeks then completely stopped. From week 3 his teacher said he was an angel, apparently just overwhelmed. Of course, this kid might just be an arsehole forever but that's the risk you run when you have a kids party with people you don't know!

Make friends with his mum then it will make things less awkward if you need to ask her for assistance with him.

Yoyooo · 10/09/2022 19:01

How did the horror child behave today?

Jaaxe · 10/09/2022 19:11

Yoyooo · 10/09/2022 19:01

How did the horror child behave today?

I’m intrigued to know this also 🤣

Farmmum77 · 11/09/2022 00:12

I’m more interested in whether horror mum managed to stop themselves being judgemental and rude

Thatboymum · 11/09/2022 00:26

My 4 year old is the naughty adhd kid and I’m so thankful the lovely parents don’t ever exclude him from events and always make sure he’s happy and included at partys and accept him for who he is. I’d be broken hearted if anybody wrote about him the way you have online. If my ds finds the party starts to show very negative behaviour we simply leave with no fuss. I know he’s no Angel but he has every rite to be there as the rest of the kids.

saraclara · 11/09/2022 00:32

As the party host you are absolutely able and entitled to remonstrate with any kid misbehaving. If they don't respond to your direction then you let the parent know there's an issue and ask that they step in. If they're useless, then it's back to you. Pretend you're the kids teacher and calmly but firmly explain that no, they cannot do that, and then distract them.

Isthisexpected · 11/09/2022 07:10

I know he’s no Angel but he has every rite to be there as the rest of the kids.

^ No child has the right to be at someone else's party though. Sometimes life is unfair. You may find as your child gets older he starts to be excluded. It may or may not be down to his SEN. Whole class parties are not the norm once they reach a certain age anyway.

PortalooSunset · 11/09/2022 08:23

How did the party go op?
Btw I genuinely thought you had the horrors at having accidentally invited the whole class and I did wonder how you could do that 😂

Beautifulsunflowers · 11/09/2022 08:27

@MyToasterHatesMe Popped in this morning to see how the party went? Hopefully you’ve survived and your son had a lovely time!!

TidesOfLife · 11/09/2022 08:35

Apart from the hitting, you could be describing my child as the 'class horror'. My son is 4 and has adhd. He does things quickly and impulsively without thought but this would probably be seen as just plain 'naughty' to anyone else.

I worry that he will be the child not invited to parties and it makes me really sad. Other parents can be so judgemental and that really makes me feel uneasy. I'm also a primary school teacher and I've had to hand out party invitations parents have given me. It's very obvious who they don't want there.

So maybe just think about it from the other side of things and reserve some judgement.

TyFly · 11/09/2022 08:37

lollipoprainbow · 10/09/2022 10:04

@Ilovechocolate87 Well said, my dd js autistic and never gets invited anywhere it's very hard.

You've posted before about your DDs behaviour and most on those see exactly why she isn't invited to things

Because you don't pick up on the poor behaviour

She goes upstairs in play dates houses repeatedly even after being told no and you see 0 issue with it

I'd not invite your DD to anything either

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