Child’s birthday party - accidentally invited the class horror

[MyToasterHatesMe]

My little one has a party today. They’ve just started school and we didn’t want to invite all the kids so party invites were a bit of a grab-bag of nursery friends, kids that he seemed to get on with, parents I chatted to etc. Now we’re a week in I’m getting the feeling that one of the kids is pretty poorly behaved - runs out of class at home time rather than waiting to be called, has tried to pick my (not small!) child up when they were queuing up and carried on when asked not to, hit him repeatedly. Mine seems to like playing with him but says that he suddenly hits, pushes etc. He’s not totally wild and the parents seem on it (I think?) - plus it’s all new being at school and I can imagine that affects behaviour.

Anyway - there’s nothing too structured at the party but if this kid starts hitting / crashing into the food table / being unpleasant - what do I actually do? A parent will be there - how do I politely say that they need to make it stop? Help!

A party at the end of the first week of Reception is pretty brave, OP, good luck and I hope you have lots of helpers and a bottle of something very good for afterwards!

Re the child you are concerned about:

• yours is clearly one of the oldest in the year. Remember some of their classmates will be up to 12 months younger. 12 months at that age is a long time - 25% of a 4 year old's life - so adjust expectations and remember how tired and overwhelmed some may be this week.
• after school restraint collapse is a thing, after holding it together for the school day, so his home time behaviour may not be how he'll behave in the different setting of an outdoor party, stay optimistic!
• you are the host, you sound as though you are worried that stepping in will be socially awkward but don't let that disempower you. It is fine to intervene authoritatively and calmly, lots of people have given you scripts already. And if need be to take the child to the parents with a "he's getting a bit overwhelmed"
• he, or others, may have some sensory issues, or just be in need of a calmer chill-out space for a bit, so if you can manage the environment to provide that you can head off some problems. At that age, for large parties I used to provide a quiet corner and a low table with a fiddle activity like play-doh or duplo so there was somewhere to which to redirect the ones who needed a reset, or for the children who preferred to sit on the edges. Can you organise a last minute backup plan on those lines?

What a horrible post.

She wasn't a 'little shit' - she was rude & inappropriate to ask you, had of course you shouldn't have had to help her, but not for a minute would I think to denigrate or mock a child like that, I wouldn't even have felt irritated at the time, just bemused.

Mumsnet is so weird Another day and the OP would get completely different answers.

OP, do you have anyone you can pay to watch the kids at the party. A babysitter or one of the TAs or similar. Then you can let them get on with any issues and you can relax and enjoy the party.
I've never been shy to discipline other peoples kids if I'm hosting them but I seem to have the right approach as it's always seemed to work ok.

I'd answer your question by saying get a grip 🤷‍♀️
The parents will keep an eye on him and you concentrate on your perfect offspring 🤣

do you have anyone you can pay to watch the kids at the party.

FGS. It's a child's party. Anyone with kids has done them. There's no need for drama, and certainly no need to pay someone to do what you're meant to do as a parent.

So let me get this straight.

You have written off and labelled a four year old one week into reception?

Have a word with yourself.

You've decided that a 4 year old who is probably less than a week into starting school is the "class horror". There's only 1 horror here and it isn't the 4 year old. I highly doubt that the parents are going to sit and observe their child crashing into your beautifully decorated birthday tables. Maybe try to understand this is a 4 year old child you are talking about who has just taken a big step in their little life!!!!

An unstructured party for 4 years olds = fill 4 year olds full of sugar and observe the consequence. Unless youve hired a padded playcentre you need an entertainer, games and something to engage them if you don't want excited charging about for 2 hours!!!

No, she was a little shit. Sorry if your kid is the same 🤷‍♀️ asking where her parents were and telling her I wouldn't be doing it for her is not mocking her, it's setting boundaries. Which are two things a lot of parents don't seem to set nowadays and wonder why their kids are so out of control.

Have you asked all the parents to stay or is it drop and run?

Ok the class horror is usually (not always) the class horror either because they have a Sen which makes it hard for them to manage their behaviour - usually by acting too impulsively, or it's a learned behaviour, or they've experienced something traumatic and they're in fight or flight mode. Obviously some kids are just naughty but more often than not there's an underlying cause.

Once other parents catch on that this kid is poorly behaved he'll be invited to fewer and fewer parties and he'll probably look back on your child's party as one of the few he was invited to.

In terms of behaviour, let the parents deal with it. If they don't, be firm without being unkind. I probably sound really wishy washy but I work with vulnerable children so my perspective is probably a bit skewed but you really do have no idea what a child is dealing with at home and the way they communicate is through their behaviour.

MN is awash with big horrors today.

The child is 4, parents will be there - I'm not sure what the issue is?

Poor little boy being labelled by you (and probably other parents too). Nobody knows his background/needs/home life - just remember there's always a need behind a behaviour.

Enjoy the party

@Cockerdileteeth

How is the OPs child 'clearly' one of the oldest in the class?

I feel your pain and anguish @MyToasterHatesMe you should call the police and have them on standby in case very small child attempts to pick another child up/play roughly or run around - the horrors you have to cope with.

If the parents are there, I'd start with exactly what you've said:
'Jack's just hit Zoe, I've moved him away for now but can you go over and deal with it please as Zoe is quite upset.' Don't minimise (Zoe can be a bit dramatic, don't worry about it but do be friendly about it).

If they don't deal with it, just deal with it yourself.
'Jack you're not allowed to hurt Zoe at this party. Come and play over here with the Lego so Zoe doesn't get hurt and you don't get into trouble.'
You basically try to channel a calm and firm vibe. You make the expectations clear and the fact that you are in charge of setting them.

She says it's a reception party and mentions her child being 5, cut off for the year in England and Wales is 1st Sept, so he's an early Sept baby turning 5 in reception and the oldest.

Sorry if your kid is the same

Ah, you're like that @EllieRosesMammy

No my kid's not 'the same' (my youngest is 11 now & my DC are well-mannered).

But I don't describe small children as 'shits', even if I find their behaviour less than ideal

I didn't say you mocked her to face, I said you posted here in a horrible way, which you did.

Your approach says a lot about you.

You getting anxious over this is weird, more than likely you just don't want this kid to come so you're building up a case why
Classhorror/hits people/ doesn't listen .. if the parent is there they will handle the behaviour..

It's so depressing to hear an adult describe a child as the class horror. Do you know much about the child do they have SEN, have they recently suffered a bereavement, does change make them act out, do groups make them anxious?Its so easy to just label a child and smugly say how your own child knows how to behave. I get that you want the party to go well and don't want to be dealing with behavioural issues but maybe try not writing off a child after a difficult week of transition.

I agree with @EarringsandLipstick asking for help does not make a child a little shit @EllieRosesMammy
You need to look at your own attitude

My DD has just started Y2 and her closest friend is 'the class horror'. He has been referred to Senco and awaits assessment. He's a lovely boy and he really cares about DD but there's a lot of behavioural stuff he struggles with. He doesn't deserve to be excluded from things because of it.

And I'm sure the child will read my post and be very upset at being called a shit 😂

She didn't "ask for help" she rudely demanded it and repeatedly tried to shove her feet in my face. If she had been polite I'd of probably said yes, but her attitude was grim. But this is what we get from a generation of kids that parents won't even so much as raise their voice to because it's "abuse"

My kid's autistic too and he can be a bloody little horror! It's not as though OP said it to his face, some kids ARE little shits. We don't have to like everyone, no matter their age.

And I'm sure the child will read my post and be very upset at being called a shit

You're missing the point, or not reading my posts.

It's having the attitude, to think of a small child as a 'shit', then to actually come on her & write it, that is horrible. It speaks to how you are as a person.