Child’s birthday party - accidentally invited the class horror

[MyToasterHatesMe]

My little one has a party today. They’ve just started school and we didn’t want to invite all the kids so party invites were a bit of a grab-bag of nursery friends, kids that he seemed to get on with, parents I chatted to etc. Now we’re a week in I’m getting the feeling that one of the kids is pretty poorly behaved - runs out of class at home time rather than waiting to be called, has tried to pick my (not small!) child up when they were queuing up and carried on when asked not to, hit him repeatedly. Mine seems to like playing with him but says that he suddenly hits, pushes etc. He’s not totally wild and the parents seem on it (I think?) - plus it’s all new being at school and I can imagine that affects behaviour.

Anyway - there’s nothing too structured at the party but if this kid starts hitting / crashing into the food table / being unpleasant - what do I actually do? A parent will be there - how do I politely say that they need to make it stop? Help!

If someone came up to you and repeatedly demanded you do something, and then shoved their feet in your face, would you want to help them? You sound like a complete pushover 😂

Not my child, not my responsibility.

No, but if as parents we interact with other small children who aren't our own and have them in our care sometimes (e.g. playdates, parties, walking them to school, watching them at the playground for their parents sometimes), we do have to treat them appropriately and thinking of them as 'little shits' probably isn't the best place to start.

I would never treat a child like I think they're horrid but if they are being horrid, I can't stop myself thinking it and wondering why their parents don't seem to have noticed.

All the unbearable kids I've met have parents who thinks the sun shines out of their arse and their little darling never does anything wrong

That's such a lazy trope.

I meet kids that I don't find appealing, too. I see rude kids, I see kids behaving in ways I don't allow mine to.

I don't attribute this all to lazy parenting by other parents.

I recognise that decisions I make are not what others would do; and similarly I might not agree with other parents' approaches.

When kids behave badly, I see it as 'kids behaving badly'. I try my best not to extrapolate that to judgments on their personality or their parents. I do recognise there's the odd parent who I'll feel 🙄 at but I try not to judge people, recognising there's a lot that could be judged about me.

But this is a forum for adults! I've described my own children less than favourably to other parents before.

Please stop being so snobby, judgemental and unkind....calling any child especially one so you 'the class horror' is really nasty....how would you feel if someone called your child that?? It's all too easy for some parents of 'easy' 'placid' 'neurotypical' 'well behaved' etc children to look down their noses at children who aren't this way and their parents too.You don't know what this child and their family are contending with, and frankly I'm disgusted you would label this child so quickly and strongly.

As a parent who spent most of reception year being treated really badly by a couple of other parents likely due to my DD not fitting the above criteria, let me tell you, its shit, and it actually feels like being back in the school playground dealing with bullies.

Please grow up and start being more kind and inclusive, and teach your child to be the same.
You said the parents are 'on it' so what's the issue? As they'll surely stay there with him at that age anyway.I'm sure he will be fine have a lovely time...if you give him a chance.

If someone came up to you and repeatedly demanded you do something, and then shoved their feet in your face, would you want to help them?

If it was a child, and I could, I would.

If I couldn't, I'd say that firmly & find the parent.

I wouldn't feel bad about either choice & I wouldn't actively think 'you're a little shit so I'm not helping you'.

You sound like a complete pushover

Ok. To me, you sound deeply unkind directly such judgment at small kids

Not my child, not my responsibility.
Really nice.
You said earlier you'd have helped if they were mannerly. Which is it?

That's absolutely justified & I agree.

It's a far cry from thinking of & calling a small child a 'shit'

With a 4 year old, I would assume it is because most 4 year olds are still incredibly egocentric, light on emotional regulation and working out the rather sad truth that the world doesn't revolve around them. Another few weeks at school will hopefully do wonders for them. Already I can see some changes in my own DC who started school this week.

It's not the use of the language - it's the assigning of it to a small child.
I think it's a horrible way to think 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sending you a virtual 💐

I don't really have to interact with other people's kids these days thankfully but I have a friend whose little girl is all 'I want this,' no pleases or thank yous and 9 times out of 10 she gets it! Starts shouting if she's not getting whatever she wants quickly enough. So I assume all rude and unpleasant children are parented similarly. Not including children with special needs which directly affect their behaviour here.

💐 ilovechocolate87

Re the party, I think a bit of structure can be useful or they can get a bit out of hand, so I'd sketch out a plan for the party eg ballon keepy uppy , musical statues, silly dancing, Simon says, food, songs etc - busy kids are less fractious I think. And the games will last for half the time you estimate from my experience.

Or panic and hire a magician. I always had my parties indoors as in winter but kids may be better at playing outside so perhaps it will be much easier.

Re the child you're concerned about, you or a helper need to keep an eye and distract him as necessary, and tell him to stop if he's hitting etc. No parents ever stayed for parties where I'm from, but I always had a friend or family member of mine as my helper - 20 kids just can't be managed single handed, not sure how it works when kids parents are there, but your party so I think you can step in if he's getting out of hand.

I mean, that's certainly rude & unpleasant behaviour, and the parent should be addressing it instead of placating said child.

I still wouldn't think of the child as a 'shit' - I'd feel quite sorry for them (& irritated with the parent) as they'll be left out with other kids, and they'll find it hard accepting discipline in other settings like school, activities & so on.

Horray to this reply! 🙌

Thankyou ❤️

Hooray to this reply! 🙌

Thankyou ❤️

*I mean, that's certainly rude & unpleasant behaviour, and the parent should be addressing it instead of placating said child.

I still wouldn't think of the child as a 'shit' - I'd feel quite sorry for them (& irritated with the parent) as they'll be left out with other kids, and they'll find it hard accepting discipline in other settings like school, activities & so on.*

Quite frankly, you are a better person than me. I just don't have the tolerance for it. My own child has special needs and is challenging so maybe that's where all my patience is going. 😄

Do tell us how the party goes OP 🤣

Make sure you have their phone numbers and call his parent if he won’t stop. They will no doubt realise he might misbehave before leaving him. I’m a teacher and these sorts of behaviours are happening more and more often. I worked in a big primary school and would go home black and blue every night, nothing was ever done to help me. Eventually I quit. I’m now in a smaller, more rural school and thought it was all sunshine and roses for the first few years. It has now gone the same way and there is a child who is verbally and physically abusive in probably every second class now. Parents will find more and more children come to parties and display these sorts of behaviours unfortunately 😔 It’s the parent’s responsibility to either stay to intervene when anything happens or potentially not send them if they aren’t able to behave

The 'Class Horror' at DD2's primary really struggled with everything from the moment he walked in a classroom for the first time. The kid was even the subject of a newspaper article where a bunch of the other parents were demanding that he was removed from the class and complaining that their kids were being adversely affected by his existence.

DD's description of him after he'd bowled over to us in the playground to say hello and chat a couple of days in a row (almost every day after that until they left four years later) was 'He's alright, can be a bit of a pain in class but the others are really mean to him, so I'm not surprised he reacts to that. And I don't think anybody's very nice to him at home either'. I think he was likely to have been eventually diagnosed with ADHD or something similar, but she invited him to her parties and although we needed to make sure there was a bit of structure so not everything was full on, uncontrolled stimulation and he had help to get food and space to run around, he was absolutely fine. As far as I know, she was the only one to ever invite him to anything.

By the time they were 16, he'd grown into 6 foot plus of pure energy and muscle, had been moved to alternative provision and would walk her home if he saw her getting off her bus in winter 'so you're safe' or offer to help me carry shopping if he ever saw me coming out of Sainsburys with lots of bags.

He was a nice kid. Yours, OP, could be like him.

@Ilovechocolate87 Well said, my dd js autistic and never gets invited anywhere it's very hard.

If you think he is a danger to the other children at the party maybe you could talk to the mum and just uninvited him?