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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child’s birthday party - accidentally invited the class horror

230 replies

MyToasterHatesMe · 10/09/2022 06:32

My little one has a party today. They’ve just started school and we didn’t want to invite all the kids so party invites were a bit of a grab-bag of nursery friends, kids that he seemed to get on with, parents I chatted to etc. Now we’re a week in I’m getting the feeling that one of the kids is pretty poorly behaved - runs out of class at home time rather than waiting to be called, has tried to pick my (not small!) child up when they were queuing up and carried on when asked not to, hit him repeatedly. Mine seems to like playing with him but says that he suddenly hits, pushes etc. He’s not totally wild and the parents seem on it (I think?) - plus it’s all new being at school and I can imagine that affects behaviour.

Anyway - there’s nothing too structured at the party but if this kid starts hitting / crashing into the food table / being unpleasant - what do I actually do? A parent will be there - how do I politely say that they need to make it stop? Help!

OP posts:
Tigofigo · 10/09/2022 07:35

I agree with giving them a focused series of activities. And avoid loose balloons...

Onceuponatimethen · 10/09/2022 07:35

My son is good friends with a young man who was not unlike this in reception. He has grown out of it (probably has mild undx Sen). Friendship has been incredibly good for my son. This child is likely unsettled - it takes 5 weeks at least for them to completely settle into reception IME.

I would leave it entirely to his parents. Any issues with him and yours I would just move my own child away somewhere else. if the behaviour persists and parents not intervening I just say something like “let’s remember we all need to keep using kind hands” etc

FoxtrotSkarloey · 10/09/2022 07:36

Sorry, I'd missed your most recent post. If it's outdoors with plenty to do, just let the parents deal with it, unless they don't, in which case you have a quiet word. 'Sorry to bother you xxx, but have you seen that yyy has just done zzz'.

Funkyblues101 · 10/09/2022 07:36

Not having structure is a recipe for disaster. You need musical bumps, musical statues, pass the parcel, a treasure hunt, a "decorate the party bag" table, a running around outside game, and anything else you can think of. You think a primary school teacher just turns up and wings it every day? They do not. Every second must be accounted for.

HailAdrian · 10/09/2022 07:36

You're overthinking, their parents will deal with it.

Original poster
MyToasterHatesMe · 10/09/2022 07:37

Thank you @imnotapensioneryet and @BecauseICan22 (and anyone else I have missed). Those are useful scripts to use / things to do.

OP posts:
BeardyButton · 10/09/2022 07:48

Get over yourself!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 10/09/2022 07:52

Gosh people are being harsh OP.
In my experience, the parent will be just as keen to contain behaviour as you are, and will be pleased at the invitation.
If any of the kids have outbursts for want of a better phrase, offer somewhere for them to calm down.
Someone will get silly and over excited, but it's often the ones you least expect.

Thefriendlymoth · 10/09/2022 07:52

Hes 4, holding it together at school without parents is a totally different environment to a party.
you don’t know that parents won’t step in and intervene in a party setting. I think you are catastrophising a bit OP!

PurpleFlower1983 · 10/09/2022 07:55

Let the parents deal with any issues.

PrivateHall · 10/09/2022 07:56

You said yourself that the parent is 'on it' so there is really no need for stressing about this. In the unlikely event that they don't, you obviously tell the child to stop hitting etc and bring him over to the parent and tell them what was going on. Poor kid.

Farmmum77 · 10/09/2022 07:56

Your attitude is exactly the kind that causes a child to be ostracised and bullied and have their confidence and mental health destroyed because you and other snotty parents label them as the class horror at the age of 4. No words really except get a grip and get off your high horse. I bet your little angel isn’t that perfect.

ThisIsNotTheNews · 10/09/2022 07:57

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BeautifulWar · 10/09/2022 07:58

This is why people don't generally have parties a week or whatever it is into starting school with a bunch of random people, they just so something small with established friends.

WoopsIdiditagain1 · 10/09/2022 08:01

Bob kind hands please
Bob gently please
Well done everyone for playing so nicely
Great climbing/josh/skipping ect

Try to focus on as much positive behaviour as possible. If the behaviour is dangerous obvious intervene in a gentle way.

XtinaCaligulara · 10/09/2022 08:04

CaptainBeakyandhisband · 10/09/2022 06:49

I’d say it’s entirely possible that he has SEN (diagnosed or undiagnosed) and if so the parents really will be trying to manage his behaviour. In which case you don’t have much to worry about.

It's also just as likely this child is just a dick

I'll never understand so many on here being quick to excuse poor behaviour with a rather offensive link to SEN

Castleheights · 10/09/2022 08:06

You lost me at “class horror”
wow nice way to describe a young child. Do you always right people off ?

Snog · 10/09/2022 08:07

I found whole class parties in reception and year one to be a bit stressful. In my child's class there were three boys who were quite poorly behaved and rough at parties. The parents of these boys never stayed at the parties and always did drop and run. There was actual bloodshed at the party every time. I always stayed and watched my child closely at the parties to make sure she was ok - it was normally other boys who were injured though - think punching in the face mainly, bloody noses etc
I never host whole class parties myself and wouldn't invite any child my child didn't want to be there.

I'm not sure if we were very unlucky to have had this experience or if it is normal!

Josieannathe2nd · 10/09/2022 08:09

I’ve had this- I invited an extra adult helper with instructions to 1-2-1 the child and pre-empt hitting, lifting small children by playing with them, distracting them and if that didn’t work them taking them to their parents. Depends how much you think the parents will be on in. At times I’ve been the parent of a child that hits and at parties had to make sure I’m right next to them all the time until they learnt not to but it really depends on the parents.

XtinaCaligulara · 10/09/2022 08:10

@MyToasterHatesMe

I don't know why you're having such a hard time on here, maybe the parents with the horror children are up early today to reply to posts!

I fully understand your fears, it's awkward being put in a new situation and not knowing how to navigate

Since they're little the parents should be staying, I'd have an internal 'strike' calculator and if they prove after one or two incidents they aren't naturally picking up on his poor behaviour you will either need to step in yourself and tell him 'no don't do that' 'no we don't hit' etc

Or you will need to have a word with his parents and ask them to keep on top of him a little bit more

The first option is preferable because no parent wants to be told they're not keeping up with their kids poor behaviour and it might cause an atmosphere and longer term issues

After this party if things do go badly I'd make sure not to invite again.

BTW I was the class horror at 4, and I have 0 issue with others such as the op using that word to describe a 4 year old, some can be awful (I certainly was!)

Itwasntright · 10/09/2022 08:10

One day your kid will be naughty and I'm sure someone like you will be standing by to call him a horror. How would you feel then?

He's 4 years old and he's just started school. What's your excuse for your bad behaviour?

waterrat · 10/09/2022 08:11

God this is so unkind OP. As the mother of a child on the autistic spectrum I have learnt so much about how different children behave - running out without being called is 'the class horror'??? I can't believe you are for real.

You barely know this child - they are just learning to fit in to a totally new environment - thank god I'm not at school with a total judgemental person like you.

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2022 08:12

If the parents are staying you are really, really overthinking this. Most parents are keen for their DC not to behave badly. They’ll be on the lookout and manage it.

If by some chance they’re not, then step in, tell the kid off yourself in a firm but fair primary school teacher fashion.

XtinaCaligulara · 10/09/2022 08:12

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waterrat · 10/09/2022 08:13

a 4 year old is 'a dick'?? God, this is why so many children are unhappy in mainstream education. He has only been in school a week! His behaviour is a sign of a child in a new environment under pressure - in most european countries children don't even go into formal environments like this until they are 7..

It absolutely is unacceptable to label a child in their first week of school - in fact, at any time unless you knkow more about them.

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