Child’s birthday party - accidentally invited the class horror

[MyToasterHatesMe]

My little one has a party today. They’ve just started school and we didn’t want to invite all the kids so party invites were a bit of a grab-bag of nursery friends, kids that he seemed to get on with, parents I chatted to etc. Now we’re a week in I’m getting the feeling that one of the kids is pretty poorly behaved - runs out of class at home time rather than waiting to be called, has tried to pick my (not small!) child up when they were queuing up and carried on when asked not to, hit him repeatedly. Mine seems to like playing with him but says that he suddenly hits, pushes etc. He’s not totally wild and the parents seem on it (I think?) - plus it’s all new being at school and I can imagine that affects behaviour.

Anyway - there’s nothing too structured at the party but if this kid starts hitting / crashing into the food table / being unpleasant - what do I actually do? A parent will be there - how do I politely say that they need to make it stop? Help!

@XtinaCaligulara I'm well aware that I am - but in 10 years of primary school parenting - this is pretty out there on the judgement scale - week 1?

Wow. Hope you next child gets this label and you don’t get invited to anything.

How do you know it's out there?

Most don't say what they think or post on MN

‘The class horror’. You sound delightful. Imagine being this uptight. Jesus. Presumably their parents/ a parent will be there, yknow, parenting them. Either chill out or don’t throw a party.

Poor kid , you are anticipating bad behaviour so you will be watching him like a hawk regardless of how other children are behaving , your focus will be on him
He's lost already , poor lad

😂I suspect some of the more vitriolic PP's have just escaped the dog pen after snorting crack OP ... it's not like you've called the child a "horror" to anyone in real life is it?
Sometimes people seem to forget that this is a totally anonymous forum, & no animals or children are harmed by being vented about on it.

Get over yourself. OP's not pinning a badge on him & marching him off to the gulag.
The kid's been invited to a fun outdoor party, & will be kindly asked to be careful/not hit IF that happens.

I really don’t think you will need to worry about this at the party, his parents will stay as he’s only 4, they will be very aware of their child’s behaviour and need to watch him and act on his behaviour.

I have 3 children, 1 who is the most fragile gentle kind child who would just accept being smacked in the face, I’m watching her to make sure she’s not the victim. The 2nd who is very sweet natured but can be rough when excited and egged on by other children, he’s also the one to throw a paddy if hurt or if anyone does wrong by him whether intentional or not - I’m watching him to get the full story. The 3rd who is learning how to share and will shout at other kids if she isn’t getting her way and needs to be watched for that. People know their kids.

You only have a problem if the parent knows their kids an arsehole and chooses not to watch them or address their behaviour. In which case I usually stop my child playing with them and say something like “X isn’t being kind/ sharing/ sensible so you come and play over here with Y instead” in front of that child so they know but not actively telling them off myself, most other parents do the same.

My son is having a birthday party today. He is 9 today. Between the two classes they have 10 boys. One of the mums has a WA group solely for boys the idea being initially to bond them as the ratio is 1:5 in each class. It's me worrying slightly that they do activities eg bowling and just invite boys. Not just that they see boys stuff as stuff to do without the girls -but I accept their initial intent was there as a positive. One boy let's call him David -has NEVER been invited to a single party, his Mum was not invited to the WA group. The boys are now in Year4 and I joined in lockdown in Year 2.
Today my son has his party as an adventure party in our local woods run by an instructor. He has girls coming, the boys and invited David.
When I invited David his mum was shocked -did you mean to invite David she said -he hasn't been invited to anything before. Yes I said. David has ADHD, the instructor is aware. It's 2 hours. David is in a mainstream school. It could be hard work but so is mine at times!!-but we won't know until he is given the opportunity. My son says if it helps David feel loved and included then his birthday is complete. We've not done it as a charity. We've done it to invite those that he really gets on with and that he enjoys speaking to.

Loads of kids have the potential to behave like this at this kind of age . As many have said though you need some structure to this party or way more than you expect will run riot . They are all going to be excited .

If its outdoors and the child's parents will be there then I wouldn't be too worried. Especially if they are on it as you say. If you do feel the need to get involved because things are getting out of hand and the parents aren't intervening just do it politely "excuse me, I don't know if you've noticed but your little one is hitting/being a bit much, etc"

Interesting how many people are saying 'don't worry the mum will step in'. In my experience they don't. In fact I've observed that they seem to treat it as a bit of time off of having to manage their child.

How many posts do we see about 'spirited' children. I think it's good you are aware of any child who is more 'spirited' as you can be prepared. It seems to me that all you are asking for is idea's of how to handle,

This.

Also terrible etiquette at age 4 to not just have a whole class party.

One day your kid will be naughty and I'm sure someone like you will be standing by to call him a horror. How would you feel then?

My son has the same naughty phases as every other child, and I’ve had to sprint out of Tesco with him under my arm more than once, had battles over sharing and so on. But he knows at five not to hit and to sit on his backside for a few minutes when asked. Like most. This child apparently can’t, and I find it useful to think about how to manage that in a situation where I obviously don’t want hitting etc.

Because this is MN I have to be a pantomime villain. In real life we go out of our way to include lots of different children with all my kids - but it’s one thing to include, say, a child who you know has a hard time integrating socially but who you’ve seen at the nursery gate all year, and quite another not to know if you’re dealing with SEN (dx or not), overexcitement at a new setting, naughtiness, poor parenting or whatever else. With adults you don’t know well. At a party.

thanks all.

I don't know why people are getting their knickers in such a twist, 4 year olds can be little shits.

An unstructured birthday party sounds like an amazing recipe for disaster though - if you're not providing entertainment for those kids then they'll find their own entertainment and that will probably involve running wildly around, huge sticks and climbing anything they can - you're going to have to be watching them like a hawk.

What’s disgraceful about the OP and some of the posters on this thread is the complete lack of empathy. My child is probably labelled the class horror. He arrived in reception in a whirlwind and we had no idea the scale of his SEN until he was in a class with his peers. We’ve been waiting almost a year for his paediatric appointment and are trying to get him an EHCP.

He’s not a horror. He’s an amazingly affectionate and intelligent child. He has special needs which cause him to become overwhelmed in the classroom. He struggles to regulate his emotions. He is a human being with a disability. I’m not sure you’d refer to someone with a physical disability this way.

And to be a bit passive aggressive, I bet you won’t complain when the little horror’s TA gives your kid some extra help…

Bnb b

This. There was a boy like this at DD’s primary. He was a lovely lad despite hitting out, especially in the first few years of primary. In sum, a handful and not helped by the soft parenting from his mum. Most of the parents whispered about it and ostracised him. I was always kind to him. He and dd were friends for a few years. And yes, my dd was on the receiving end a few times. Much as I was upset, I understood he needed care.

He went to a different secondary to almost all the children in the year. He now lives with his dad when it was found out his mum’s already poor mental health had worsened and she was neglecting him. I bumped into him last year, now in his teens, living with his dad and thriving. I hope he will never forget there was at least one mum on his side.

Kids learn how to be nice and play with each other by being guided by all of the different grown ups in their life. Please just step in if things are getting out of hand. Best tactic at a party where you don't want a big fuss is distraction, give him a balloon, sweets, a special " job "to do that will help you out, start a party game etc. If that doesn't work and he is getting really physical with other kids I would just say "stop" loudly to shock him into pausing and get the parents to come and sort it out or maybe say "come on Barry, let's go and find your parents" and lead him over to them. They will almost certainly be on high alert and ready to step in anyway. I would also try to ignore as much as you can unless you really need to intervene. So don't step in unless it is dangerous to a child or something really valuable is going to get broken. It is a party so they will all be a bit crazy.

Not sure why so many people are pissed off at OP, some kids are just little shits. At my daughters dance class the other day I had a kid walk up to me and demand I put her tap shoes on for her, pushing her feet in my face as I was bent down trying to sort my own daughters shoes. I asked her where her parents were and said I wouldn't be doing it as I was helping my own daughter (plus I'm 6 months pregnant and was also trying to keep hold of my 11 month old so had my hands full) but this little shit was adamant that she wasn't going to go find her own parents and kept telling me I had to do it.

I walked away. 🤷‍♀️

@Choconut 🤣 tbh at age four even the ones that misbehave are typically quite cute little shits,

It’s when they are about 7 they get really irritating and by that age their parents usually dump and run, so it’s a million times worse.

As the OP describes a small party even if they run in all different directions and go wild, it shouldn’t be too bad (in my head, I am assuming this is a kind of picnic party in a fenced play area), and all the parents will stay so there will be lots of pairs of hands.

OP that reminds me - take a first aid kit with you! There are bound to be boo boos.

How appalling that a week in to having started school you have deemed this child you barely know the class horror. What a dreadful attitude. Way to ostracise a child. Its parents like you that cause children to become excluded from friendship groups and parties. He is 4 and probably just over excited and boisterous with all the change.

This child apparently can’t,

You've decided this based on one week of a few line interactions?

Cop on.