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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DCs to just go!

105 replies

Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:02

I share custody of my DCs with exH. They are 15 and 16. This last year they have pushed back against having set times to change houses. They used to go to the next parent straight from school mid week, then at a similar sort of time they'd swap again at the weekend. However, things seem to have slowly changed such that they are now anywhere at anytime...which is many ways is great since both houses are their homes and they should be free to come and go. Or should they?? Because it's driving me potty. I never know when they are going to arrive or when they are going to leave and we end up with me getting stressed and telling them just to go. Im someone who just needs to know what's going on and when so this is causing me major stress! But they are taking it as I don't want them here. AIBU? Or would this free flow stress anyone out?

OP posts:
XtinaCaligulara · 09/09/2022 19:04

At those ages why does it matter so much if they come and go?

It's shitty to just tell them to go and I really don't understand why it causes you so much stress

underneaththeash · 09/09/2022 19:06

Because you need to feed them and they eat loads and food costs are high.

I'd just ask them when they're going to be in for tea.

NoSquirrels · 09/09/2022 19:06

they are taking it as I don't want them here

Well, if you tell them to go then you can see why they’d think that!

What exactly about the loose timetable bothers you? If you can identify the problem you can find a solution.

Is it planning food? Not being able to shag your conquests on the kitchen table in case they walk in? Having to be a taxi?

girlmom21 · 09/09/2022 19:09

What's the issue with them turning up unannounced? Presumably they have house keys and can work an oven?

Original poster
Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:12

The problem is I just can't settle to anything if I'm either waiting for them to arrive (it might take 2 hours to do so) or waiting for them to leave (same again.) I don't know why, it just does my head in never knowing who is where.

OP posts:
XtinaCaligulara · 09/09/2022 19:14

Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:12

The problem is I just can't settle to anything if I'm either waiting for them to arrive (it might take 2 hours to do so) or waiting for them to leave (same again.) I don't know why, it just does my head in never knowing who is where.

That's the definition of a you problem

Don't pass your issues onto them

If they have a key and know how to use an oven there is 0 reason to worry or stress

Castleheights · 09/09/2022 19:15

It matters because if they go missing or are hurt nobody is expecting them … of course yanbu

Threelittlelambs · 09/09/2022 19:16

This is life with teens.

you need to sort yourself out.

i waited in one day a few years ago, turned out DD was surfing miles away! I remember think Sod that!

they either message they are hime for tea and you will provide or you assume they aren’t and crack on.

mountainsunsets · 09/09/2022 19:16

Castleheights · 09/09/2022 19:15

It matters because if they go missing or are hurt nobody is expecting them … of course yanbu

They have phones though? Surely they just need to text saying where they are?

MolliciousIntent · 09/09/2022 19:17

This is your issue to fix, don't project it onto your kids.

TootsAtOwls · 09/09/2022 19:17

Can't you just carry on with your life as normal? Other than meals I can't see what difference it makes?

What does "waiting" for them to go or arrive actually entail?

Original poster
Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:17

@XtinaCaligulara So my feelings/wishes don't count?? Not sure that's a good life lesson for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:18

@mountainsunsets They are both shite at comms

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 09/09/2022 19:19

Sorry, this is your issue.

You say to them 'On Wednesday you either tell me by x time you are in for tea, or you get sandwiches for yourself' and stop fretting. You need to try to manage this internally I think.

You can give them a latest time to leave/be back IMO at their age, especially on a school night, just like any other curfew.

Teacherontherun · 09/09/2022 19:19

As someone whose parents divorced when I was young we had this very set up. We didn't have set days at either house and could pick and chose, me and my siblings often in different houses. I can't tell you how much I valued this as a child. Never feeling like I was picking sides or being told what to do. We didn't chose to have divorced parents but I wouldn't change it for the world now. My parents, I know mum I'm particular did find it frustrating sometimes not always knowing who was where but she acknowledge that was the pay off for happy kids. She did make it clear that the only expectation was if we were home for tea at 5.30. It was fine if not but no hot food cooked after then

mountainsunsets · 09/09/2022 19:20

Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:18

@mountainsunsets They are both shite at comms

Then that's what you need to work on, but at their ages they should be free to come and go as they please, really.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/09/2022 19:20

I understand where you’re coming from. I’m someone who needs to know what’s going to be happening/ what to expect to.

i think you need a chat with them about a rough schedule and the need to let you know if they’re changing from that. Just to let you know the shape of things in advance.

carefullycourageous · 09/09/2022 19:20

Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:17

@XtinaCaligulara So my feelings/wishes don't count?? Not sure that's a good life lesson for them.

Your wishes are unreasonable, IMO. your feelings are not their problem, because they are about your unreasonable wishes.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/09/2022 19:20

So I agree with a pp - they can be where they like but they need to communicate about it.

XtinaCaligulara · 09/09/2022 19:21

Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:17

@XtinaCaligulara So my feelings/wishes don't count?? Not sure that's a good life lesson for them.

When those feelings and wishes are unreasonable yes.

YukoandHiro · 09/09/2022 19:21

OP I think you need to read your original post back and try very hard to put yourself in their shoes. I know this is a safe space but they will be picking up on the way you're feeling.
You are basically saying that they are an inconvenience in your home.
You and ex H chose to split. It's upon both of you to make every accommodation to them to create a loving and welcome home . It's not their job to make your life easier

TheVeryThing · 09/09/2022 19:21

Surely at that age they are coming & going anyway. Why do you need to wait for them?
you can tell them that if they don’t text you by a certain time you won’t be cooking for them, maybe keep some pizzas, garlic bread etc in the freezer.

Coyoacan · 09/09/2022 19:22

Yeap, I think you've got to find a way of dealing with your neurosis. I have a similar problem. My adult daughter and dgd live with me and dd is extremely impunctual.I drives me bonkers but it is my problem not hers

Original poster
Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:23

carefullycourageous · 09/09/2022 19:19

Sorry, this is your issue.

You say to them 'On Wednesday you either tell me by x time you are in for tea, or you get sandwiches for yourself' and stop fretting. You need to try to manage this internally I think.

You can give them a latest time to leave/be back IMO at their age, especially on a school night, just like any other curfew.

But thats my point - they will not give me times, ever!

OP posts:
Original poster
Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:25

Not just that, but I found out yesterday that the pair of them changed plans, checked in with their dad who told them it was fine for them to stay here later...no one asked me if it was fine!

OP posts: