To tell my DCs to just go!

[Athyrium]

I share custody of my DCs with exH. They are 15 and 16. This last year they have pushed back against having set times to change houses. They used to go to the next parent straight from school mid week, then at a similar sort of time they'd swap again at the weekend. However, things seem to have slowly changed such that they are now anywhere at anytime...which is many ways is great since both houses are their homes and they should be free to come and go. Or should they?? Because it's driving me potty. I never know when they are going to arrive or when they are going to leave and we end up with me getting stressed and telling them just to go. Im someone who just needs to know what's going on and when so this is causing me major stress! But they are taking it as I don't want them here. AIBU? Or would this free flow stress anyone out?

You should be able to meal plan.

you should also know if you are the house that is waiting for a safe arriving at the end of the day or evening.

I do think you need to be flexible, but it’s fair to insist on better communication

I’m also surprised at the responses here. My parents divorced when I was a baby and had a roughly 50/50 custody once I was nursery age. The days were set and only changed if either parent had work commitments or illness.

On their days off I know my dad went on dates and my mother who remarried would have couple nights with her new husband. Poor op/mum has no idea how to make plans because the days aren’t set. Off course some flexibility is good, but this is taking the piss.

Why should OP be treated like a hotel? I think this sets up for some very entitled teenagers. Of course the children are important in a divorce but so are the parents! They aren’t little children they are a stones throw away from adulthood!

That was me upthread re shagging on the table but I wasn’t sneering- I think it’s a reasonable reason! I was just trying to tease out from OP exactly what her worry/objection/frustration is with a more free-flow teenage timetable because there are plenty of reasonable reasons but it’s how you communicate with the teens that is the key.

But that hasn't happened overnight, has it? Children doing chores and keeping rooms clean is something that they get taught to do from a young age. Clearly their DF has taught them how to behave at his, but you haven't taught them how you want them to behave at yours.

They're not going to suddenly display respectful behaviour toward you if you haven't taught them to behave in a respectful manner.

I am expected to be in at all times and get a hard time if Im not.

You can reset these expectations, though.

It’s OK for them to want a bit more flexibility over which day they’re going to be where.

It’s OK for you to say that’s fine within reason but here are the boundaries e.g. if you don’t let me know any changes to the usual timetable by Sunday evening when I’m planning my week, I’ll assume you’re not home on X night, and these are the meals I’m cooking & expect you here for.

It’s OK to set up a failsafe like a key box in case of mislaid keys, but the expectation to be that this is for emergencies. It’s also OK to ask for location sharing on their phones with the expectation that this is for emergencies I.e. when they’re not where they said they’d be at the time they said they would.

What you don’t want is them feeling unwelcome because you’re losing your rag and telling them to go, or you being walked over in terms of boundaries. So both sides need respect and sensible communication.

Why don’t you just tell them to move in full time with their Dad. I think this situation is maybe a sign that it’s time for them to move out. Yes, they’re young teens but why not? They seem to respect their fathers rules and boundaries more and just won’t listen to you. plus you can get on with your own life. People may think that’s selfish but I think it’s reasonable given the circumstances and they seem happy at their Dads.
Do you have any other children at home OP?

Because he sets clear expectations and is rational and approachable?

Why are you “blowing up at them” because you are stressed? Just make some sensible fair rules and give them consequences if they don’t stick to them.

I think they are old enough to be responsible for themselves without you hanging around for them. They are also old enough to get themselves some food if needed. If you prepare food that they do not appear for, put it in the fridge and they can eat it next day.
What you describe is not dissimilar to many families of teenagers.
The important thing is that they see both houses as their home and do not feel unwanted at either.

OP I get it.
This is not fair in you and how you run your household.
No you don't have to be ok with this.
Your dC are not showing you any respect if they did he might be different.

Why are they swapping and changing? Is one location better for something?

If they want to come and go then stop cooking. Have things they can make themselves but you only cook on your nights and if they don't come home it goes in the fridge or freezer for leftovers.
But they really are taking the piss
Maybe a chat about new arrangements with your ex.

@ClaryFairchild Exh pays them stupid amounts of money for chores...whereas i feel that they should do them because we are a family unit where everyone should chip in. And I can't match what he pays anyway. ExH is much stricter than me I admit, but from what I can remember from when we were together, it's not particulalry pleasant. Im almost wondering, from mulling things over during this thread, whether they hold it all together for dad and then relax when they come here. They do seem to pay him more heed. But then (believe it or not!) Im the chilled parent. (Apart from knowing whats going on of course!!)

Utterly ridiculous.

My partner has 50/50 with his ex. His DS is now 17 and drives. It's still a Friday handover.

Nope this is just rude and I am with you OP. It wouldn't work for their friends or future partners I'm sure, so why should you accept it? If DPs were doing this we would all say it wasn't ok so why should it be ok for DC? Sounds to me like they are being selfish and failing to respect you as a separate person with a life rather than just a facilitator of anything they want, and they may perhaps playing on a situation of split parent guilt. I couldn't tolerate this, however much I recognise that it's hard for DC in this situation. It's fine I think for us as parents to be clear about our boundaries of tolerance and I'm sure that will be better for them in the long run to know they can't just be inconsiderate of others whether mothers, wider family or friends. Yes it's your family home but it's your house and I think you can state your personal boundaries on this.

Just reflecting on this OP in the light of your thread title. No I wouldn't tell them to go... I would just set your parameters, as you are in charge in your own home. Sometimes it's the case that you are the safe parent where they behave badly because your ex may be tricky - controlling them to do what he wants by money/bribing doesn't sound great to me. I think teens need clarity and to know you won't let them exploit - and they respect that adults are clear about their own boundaries. I think that's what's difficult here.. as well as your ex of course! Good luck. I hope it sorts out for you, but as some others say, you have a right to some nights where you can guarantee your own time and space without being on standby duty!

@marlowe5 Thank you so much for your replies, I was a bit dispirited by how many other posts thought it was purely my issue and that I'm being neurotic. Constantly being on stand-by is exactly how it feels. I didn't realise quite how fed up I was until I started typing last night, and I think perhaps it's not just the coming and going and expectation that I should be here at all times, I think it's a bigger issue of a lack of respect for me that's getting to me. I like to have a light hearted relationship with the children and we do laugh a lot, my ex is very stern...but fun doesn't have to mean walkover so I plan to sit them down today and have a chat about it all, about how they are at dads, how they are at mine, and see if we can reach an understanding that how they treat me and this house is not always very nice!

I would find this difficult too OP.

I'm a single parent and there's no dad around, but we had a fair bit of teen to'ing and fro'ing over the summer, and it's a right pain. The kids would go out, come back at a meal time but they'd have eaten already, or they'd come back in the evening and want tea, or they'd want to go out just as I was serving a meal. They announce they needed a lift somewhere at random times. They're at the mercy of their mates and their teen hormones. It meant I couldn't settle to things. I accepted it as it's what teen do, and it was the summer holidays, but if this was my life long term I'd find it bloody hard.

I think you need to sit them down and make some ground rules. Like they need to reply if you call or text them. If they're going to want a meal they need to give you a certain amount of notice. If they're going to be at their dads overnight then you need to know by a certain time in the evening etc. I imagine the moving around will diminish as the evenings get cold and dark.

Yes, it's the larger issue of respect that's the problem. I hope the talk goes well.

You need to have some boundaries - if they're cheeky like telling you to be in and things, then you need to pull them up on it at the time, and not turning up to meals is rude. Flexibility is good, but they're taking you for granted a tad.

It soudns like you are an anxious high strung person who likes a lot of strucutre and routine and your kids and ex are very different from that.

Professional help to navigate this and to add a little flexibility to your own thinking and life and to manage your anxiety would help you in the end. Most 15 and 16 year olds are focused on themselves and don't care that much about being proactive and planning ahead to assuage mom's anxiety.

The divorced parent homes that I know where the kids are happiest and best adjusted are those where the kids come and go as they wish versus the rigid schedule.

Even if your kids lived with you full time they might not always be there for dinner on time or might show up with friends.

I think you need to find a compromise. They have the brains and development of teens and you have very high anxiety - work with a therapist to find a plan that takes both into account.

”you’re being given the responsibility of independence, I don’t mind you coming and going but check in with me so I know you’re ok”

give them some ground rules, if you’re coming home/to eat/ to sleep let me know so I can expect you. If I don’t hear from you I’ll assume you’re not and plans will be made for myself.

they’ll soon tag on if it means they miss out oily food or seeing you and get better at communicating.

this should be liberating for you to regain your own time to come and go as you please too.

this mostly sounds like you’re not ready for this time in all your lives.

I can see that this might be difficult but I think it is part and parcel of them getting older. I think you need to let go of the reins a bit, give them a key and let them fend for themselves- for example when it comes to food, if they don’t respond to a text message tell them you’ll assume the negative (i.e they don’t want dinner/ a lift etc) and follow through (so don’t cook them dinner “just in case”). Without wanting to sound harsh I also think that you may need to think about whether your own life is as full as it could be, do you have hobbies, good friends or just time where you’re happy doing your own thing? If you’re happy and busy chances are this probably won’t bother you so much.

If they don’t give times, then they don’t get meals. They can help themselves to toast and fruit.

Don’t wash their clothes.

Any mess gets out in a bin bag and tell it eill be binned if not sorted within 34 hours.

You need to get tough.

@Heronwatcher They have both had keys for years but frequently dont bother bringing them because there appears to be the expectation that I should/will be there to let them in.
@Aubriella I am already pretty much doing that! We no longer have family meals and they often fend for themselves because I have given up cooking for them since so much of it goes in the bin if I do. The result of this is that I doubt if either of them can remember the last time they ate a vegetable.

Gah, it's bloody ridiculous. Re-set day today!

@Athyrium the keys thing is ridiculous! I had a key from 11 and knew to use it. You’re not a receptionist. That’s got to stop. TBH I would even avoid a key safe or similar until they reliably use their own, otherwise you’ll just end up losing thousands of keys as they’ll use it every time! Give them a key and if they arrive home unexpectedly without it they wait outside until it’s convenient for you to return home. It might seem harsh but it’s a useful life lesson- they’ll have to do this when they leave home.

@Athyrium and ask that he extend the same curtesy of communication to you.

I see posts on SM about teens causing trouble outside and the parents being blamed for not knowing or caring where they are and here you are expected not to know or care. 🤷‍♀️

You shouldn't have to be a doormat and cope with everything in order for your children to feel welcome in your home. Sorry I've got no advice to give in how to change that.

Give them a key and ask them for a courtesy text to say on my way home don't wait or. Will be home for dinner tonight etc

@Midlifemusings bloody hell, I don't think the OP is "highly strung" and "anxious" just wants a bit of clarity about coming and going. I think the fact that its two homes is irrelevant. When mine are old enough to come and go I will be expecting them to give me some warning and courtesy, regardless of hormones, friends or anything else. The OP isn't asking for a strict schedule, just some communication.