Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DCs to just go!

105 replies

Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:02

I share custody of my DCs with exH. They are 15 and 16. This last year they have pushed back against having set times to change houses. They used to go to the next parent straight from school mid week, then at a similar sort of time they'd swap again at the weekend. However, things seem to have slowly changed such that they are now anywhere at anytime...which is many ways is great since both houses are their homes and they should be free to come and go. Or should they?? Because it's driving me potty. I never know when they are going to arrive or when they are going to leave and we end up with me getting stressed and telling them just to go. Im someone who just needs to know what's going on and when so this is causing me major stress! But they are taking it as I don't want them here. AIBU? Or would this free flow stress anyone out?

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 10/09/2022 12:17

Rude and disrespectful comes to mind here. I'm clearly old school reading a lot of the PP, but wouldn't tolerate this crap from them, treating their/your home like it's a hotel, in and out when they feel like it, raiding the fridge with mates, buggaring off and leaving their shit everywhere for the OP to clear up.. I think you're right OP you need to sit them down and talk about a few boundaries here, they clearly rule the roost and are treating you like some sort of housekeeper.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 10/09/2022 12:22

Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:12

The problem is I just can't settle to anything if I'm either waiting for them to arrive (it might take 2 hours to do so) or waiting for them to leave (same again.) I don't know why, it just does my head in never knowing who is where.

I'm the same.

I think some testing would locate my spot on a spectrum, and it would probably help! But in the meantime I just cope with my 'ways'.

what does your Ex think about it?!

I also see it as a safety issue. An adult needs to know if they're not where they're supposed to be!!

if you ex is on board with it, then they need to be told xyz you're here, abc you're there. Any changes are organised between the adults. Not teenagers who will use this loose arrangement to be wherever they want to be, with whoever they want to be with. That's not safe. Or wise.

PortalooSunset · 10/09/2022 12:24

How can telling your children to leave be taken any other way as you not wanting them there?! You are being grossly unreasonable

CallMeLinda · 10/09/2022 12:27

I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable. You are entitled to a life as well. If you know your teens aren't going to be at home, you can make plans around that.

Darbs76 · 10/09/2022 12:36

Get a key box, get some pizza for the freezer and job done. Tell them you won’t be cooking on handover day as they frequently don’t turn up.

Midlifemusings · 10/09/2022 12:45

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 10/09/2022 12:14

@Midlifemusings bloody hell, I don't think the OP is "highly strung" and "anxious" just wants a bit of clarity about coming and going. I think the fact that its two homes is irrelevant. When mine are old enough to come and go I will be expecting them to give me some warning and courtesy, regardless of hormones, friends or anything else. The OP isn't asking for a strict schedule, just some communication.

It is her anxiety about not knowing needing to put her life on hold that tells me that. If they show up without their key - then they are stuck outside without a key if I am not home - I don't stress about needig to be home 24/7 incase they show up without a key. They turn up at teatime without letting me know - then they pull together something to eat, I don't stress about not having done a major shop and haivng dinner prepared. They come over with friends and raid the pantry - then there are no snacks there the next while. In your house, if your child turns up earlier or later than they told you - you will send them away?

You will get some teens who are also anxious and like a lot of routine and structure and they would get along great with OPs approach, but teens like OP has that want independence and like to be out and about and not on a tight schedule are also very normal typical teens and feeling 'micromanaged' pushes them away.

There are a lot of anxious high strung people in the world, it isn't an insult. It is accepting who you are and learning how to get along with your kids who aren't like you during a developmental stage where many want space and independence.

Skolo · 10/09/2022 12:46

I know one divorced couple who do it the other way round. The children stay in the same house and the parents swap between the house and a 2 bed flat. God knows how they manage it, but it does seem fairer on the children.

mycatisannoying · 10/09/2022 12:53

My ex husband has our teenage girls every second weekend. I am fiercely protective of this time off, as I do the vast majority of stuff for them. I matter too, and time off is important to me and my mental well-being.

mycatisannoying · 10/09/2022 12:55

Oh sorry, having reread your post I can see that my reply wasn't entirely relevant to your question!
YANBU though. It's hard to relax or plan when you don't know what's happening.

ittakes2 · 10/09/2022 12:55

Even if they lived with you full time surely at their age they will be coming and going on their own schedule to live their social lives? You are damaging your relationship with them at a very crucial age.

lechatnoir · 10/09/2022 12:56

At 15/16 whilst my kids do come & go and often keep anti-social hours in holidays, the difference is I know if or when they are coming home and I know the meal I cook will get eaten. Until they are adults you need to know - are they at dads? Or should I be ringing the police?

It does sound like you need a conversation about how they treat your house as a hotel and seem to pull their weight at dads and generally treat him with more respect. Not a time for anger or accusation but a grown up conversation about how and why this might be, what you can do to help the situation (probably backing off a bit) and what you'd like from them in return.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/09/2022 12:57

Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:18

@mountainsunsets They are both shite at comms

This is what you have to work on.
Unfortunately, as they are growing up there are more things on their schedule, afterschool, homework, social and thats probably the underlying reason.
Set some rules calmly without nagging or whinging... encourage them to co-operate as it will be better for everyone.
Family WhatsApp and they have to say if they are at your house that evening or not that day.
If plans change they have to let you know ... four words...I'm at dads tonight.

Explain you need to know they are safe and you need to know if you have to cook.
Explain its time-wasting and expensive buying food for people who are not there.

Get them to choose some meals they really like. ( so many how tos for simple recipes on Instagram etc) Get them to cook a few for the family - they will soon realise the effort that goes in to it and will want everyone there to try their stuff.

Otherwise they make their own and if the ingredients are not they, they have to get them from the shop themselves. Dont sit around for two hours waiting for them. Get on with your own things.

VioletInsolence · 10/09/2022 13:36

I’d hate this OP - it would drive me insane. What if something happened to them and you and your ex thought they were at each other’s homes?

And your feelings do matter? How are kids meant to learn if we always pretend to be ok and they’re the only ones allowed feelings?

Simplelobsterhat · 10/09/2022 13:43

I'm really surprised that people would be happy to take no reply as staying at dad's / don't want dinner at 15- what if you both think they are with the other parent and don't realise something has happened to them/ they take advantage to do something out of bounds etc? I'd expect a 15 year old to still have a curfew to be honest.

And yes a teenager should be able to sort our their own dinner, but never being able to plan to sit down for a family dinner is a bit sad and probably leads to pretty terrible nutrition! Plenty of time for that when they are at uni - people seem keen to rush the growing up on this thread.
A calm conversation about respect, communication and not treating you like a housekeeper is needed I think.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 10/09/2022 14:12

I still don't think it's highly strung or anxious to want to know your kids' movements and to want to be able to plan around them. If the op was on here saying she was just cracking on with her own life and her mid teen kids were complaining she'd be told she was neglectful and uncaring.

Puffalicious · 10/09/2022 14:37

THEY need to communicate clearly where they'll be. I have 2 teens who spend time at their dad's- if things are a bit out of the ordinary (dad's shifts/ DS1 uni/ shifts/ both rugby training/ party- like tonight DS2 has a party so can't go to dad's as organised) the arrangements are made very clear and everyone told.

V good advice from PP - a key safe and pizza/ salad/ pasta always available/ bread and fillings for the toastie machine (best thing I ever bought) and supermarket fresh soup in the fridge. Good luck.

Original poster
Athyrium · 10/09/2022 14:53

@Midlifemusings The funny thing is, I'm the laid back parent and ex is the stressy, controlling strict one! If anything I've been too laid back and let things slide too much...however things have come to a bit of a head and I don't think getting annoyed and stressed when they constantly don't arrive as expected/do arrive when not expected makes me neurotic - I just want to know what's going on! Then I can relax a bit and not worry about eg. shouId I close the loo door; dash naked across from the bathroom or not; have a heart to heart with a mate without a bunch of lairy teens turning up unannounced; not be needed for lifts; go to bed early without having to get up again to let someone in etc. Younger DC is a bit of a bugger and likes to sneak in and make me jump which does not help, I'm on constant alert for him!! Yes, I have told him not to, he has now eased off somewhat!

OP posts:
Original poster
Athyrium · 10/09/2022 15:05

Thanks for all the comments (especially the kind ones!) lots of food for thought. I popped round to exH's house earlier for a family chat and it turns out that to an extent he is having similar issues. We kind of re-drew the boundaries with the DCs about time keeping, chores, communication etc and whilst ex's approach is often quite different to mine, in situations like this he does say the right thing and supports me so fingers crossed we'll get back on track a bit.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 10/09/2022 15:08

You don't need a lock box! They need keys and if they forget them and you are out they just have to wait for you or manage some time.
You tell them when you are cooking. If they're not in then just put the excess in the freezer. They will have to fend for themselves if they come in later.
You give them say one day a week when they are not welcome at all. That's your shagging day (if required).
The one thing that would bother me is that you don't know where they are. They're 16 and 16. That's not on. But that wouldn't be on even if you still lived with your ex. Do you have a group chat where they can message where they are or you can ask and maybe your ex would be able to answer if they knew? But I guess it's not just you that has that issue. I should imagine most parents do at one time or another. I know we did a few times and yes it's scary.

oviraptor21 · 10/09/2022 15:10

*manage some other way.

Glad you have had a chat. Hope things improve.

YesitsBess · 10/09/2022 15:24

I’m with you OP, can you imagine thinking it was a night ‘off’ and having a lovely bath and some music and a glass of wine then suddenly: a bunch of teenage boys!

Glad your chat with the family went well and I hope it helps. Maybe organise a sit down meal once a week also with the kids so they don’t forget how to eat with forks, or what a vegetable is 😀

confessionstoday · 10/09/2022 15:37

Oh I get this completely.
My ds15 goes to dads eow. Last night he comes home from school and says he's not going he's going tmr instead.

Don't worry about my plans.

We had a fall out. I feel like I'm telling him to go away but the reality is I've made plans that don't include him and he's changed them with no consideration for anyone else.

Dad doesn't care.

Busy77 · 10/09/2022 15:44

How about the WhatsApp group for the four of you - and every morning they write where are eating and sleeping and ETAs for that day. Or if you are going out you say you must stay at the other house...

TealSapphire · 10/09/2022 15:50

YANBU at all. Seriously I've seen threads on here where people are adamant that 16yo's should not be left home alone. So what it's OK that they come and go as they please, meaning at times you don't know where they are?!

They're not flatmates they are children. And you're not some monster telling them they are unwanted. If the plan is they leave for dads at x time then barring anything unexpected they should head off around that time. And tell you if they will be later than usual home.

Scaredypup · 10/09/2022 15:58

I think the responses here are bizarre. I absolutely couldn’t live like that, not knowing if they’re coming home or when. I wouldn’t be able to relax at all.
I have a 17 year old who is similar although
doesnt have another home and I hate it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread