To tell my DCs to just go!

[Athyrium]

I share custody of my DCs with exH. They are 15 and 16. This last year they have pushed back against having set times to change houses. They used to go to the next parent straight from school mid week, then at a similar sort of time they'd swap again at the weekend. However, things seem to have slowly changed such that they are now anywhere at anytime...which is many ways is great since both houses are their homes and they should be free to come and go. Or should they?? Because it's driving me potty. I never know when they are going to arrive or when they are going to leave and we end up with me getting stressed and telling them just to go. Im someone who just needs to know what's going on and when so this is causing me major stress! But they are taking it as I don't want them here. AIBU? Or would this free flow stress anyone out?

[NoSquirrels]

@Athyrium

But thats my point - they will not give me times, ever!

Read that quoted post back again.

You give THEM the times. Then if they don’t show you carry on regardless.

Ask them to do ‘share my location’ if it’s a safety issue you’re worried about. But you do need to manage your anxiety on that.

[Athyrium]

@Coyoacan Neurosis? Bit harsh!😆

[girlmom21]

@Athyrium

Not just that, but I found out yesterday that the pair of them changed plans, checked in with their dad who told them it was fine for them to stay here later...no one asked me if it was fine!

But why do you need to know, other than the need for control?

[Athyrium]

@NoSquirrels Oops yep....however what Im trying to convey is that they wont stick to times I give them. They prefer to do what they want aka free flow.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

If they let you know where they were and loosely what their plans were, you would find it easier to relax.

What strikes me us that neither of their parents might know where they are for substantial chunks of time. If your kids are responsible types that might not be a problem but...it is not ideal. I think you and your ex need to agree that the current freewheeling arrangement can continue ONLY if they report where they are and when they will be home.

[Athyrium]

@girlmom21 Because if I'm expecting them home and they dont show/answer the phone I worry. Becasue if I've cooked a meal and they dont show/answer the phone I worry/get pissed off. Because if they are meant to be at their dads but they're here with mates eating me out of house and home and creating a riot then I get stressed. Because if they tell me one thing then do another I find it stressful. etc.

[PeekAtYou]

This would drive me nuts because of the food issue but other than that, as long as I wasn't constantly driving stuff from one house to the other or they were coming/going too late at night, I wouldn't be bothered.

It's interesting that they communicated with dad but not you. If you text them daily asking their plans would they reply ? Maybe it will take a few times of having to go to the shops and cook themselves (because they weren't expected at yours) for them to realise that it might be worth telling you if they are going to be around.

If it's the food issue then I'd tell them that no text by say 6pm and you will assume that they won't be in for dinner.

[OnTheBrinkOfChange]

@Coyoacan

Yeap, I think you've got to find a way of dealing with your neurosis. I have a similar problem. My adult daughter and dgd live with me and dd is extremely impunctual.I drives me bonkers but it is my problem not hers

But why is that your problem? It's clearly something she does that would irritate most people.

[BabyDreamers]

Yabvu they are your kids surely they are always welcome.

[girlmom21]

@Athyrium

@girlmom21 Because if I'm expecting them home and they dont show/answer the phone I worry. Becasue if I've cooked a meal and they dont show/answer the phone I worry/get pissed off. Because if they are meant to be at their dads but they're here with mates eating me out of house and home and creating a riot then I get stressed. Because if they tell me one thing then do another I find it stressful. etc.

Don't cook meals or cook things that can be frozen/reheated for them.

Call their dad if they don't answer the phone and you're expecting them.

Put a limit on accessible food.

[ClaryFairchild]

What is going on that requires you to know what time they will be at your home or not?

Is it preparing meals? Spending time with them? Do you give them lifts? Or do you just want to know?

Because if it's only the last one you need to get over it. Let them come and go - teach them how to lock/unlock the door and come in. Ask them to say hello/goodbye as they come and go. It is their home too, and at their age they get to have more freedom in when they choose to be there, or else they will choose to just be at their dads and you will hardly ever see them.

If it's meals keep some staples in hand in the pantry and freezer, bread, pizzas, lasagne, some bolognese to use on pasta, pesto frozen in ice cube trays and then popped into a bag. Cook a few big meals in the week, If they're there they eat, if not the meals go into the freezer for when they are there.

[ClaryFairchild]

The worrying is your issue. They are getting older and you need to stop imposing your rules for "safety" into them.

[LilacPoppy]

who told them it was fine for them to stay here later...no one asked me if it was fine! it's not fine for your own children to stay in n their /your house? Have I read that wrong?

[ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat]

Slightly surprised by the responses. Even at 14/16 I imagine the kids would be a bit disconcerted if they came home and the op was out for the evening or had arranged a date or had a romantic partner over. Someone upthread sneered about the op shagging on the table but it's actually not unreasonable to have a private life and to be able to schedule that in your home, even if you're not married to their dad! I think it's basic courtesy to let people who are dating and cooking for you know roughly your coming and going.

[ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat]

Sorry, caring and cooking for you..not dating!!

[BadNomad]

Does their father cook for them?

[mountainsunsets]

Because if I'm expecting them home and they dont show/answer the phone I worry. - ring their dad if you're expecting them and they don't pick up.

Becasue if I've cooked a meal and they dont show/answer the phone I worry/get pissed off. - don't cook anything until they're physically in the house, or just have a stock of food they can help themselves to.

Because if they are meant to be at their dads but they're here with mates eating me out of house and home and creating a riot then I get stressed. - surely they're welcome in your house regardless of where they're meant to be?

Because if they tell me one thing then do another I find it stressful. etc. - that's teenagers for you

[Athyrium]

@PeekAtYou I think you've hit on something there. Why did they let their dad know they were changing plans, but not me? I blew up at them today as they were (supposed to be) leaving for their dads. Most of that was because I have realised recently that they are tidy at their dads, but treat this house like a shit hole...they do chores at their dads but wont here (he has out priced me.) They seem to be model children there and slobs here.

[ShandaLear]

I have my 14yo and 16yo on FindMy (I have offered to take them off before anyone accuses me of stalking them). If they are here I’ll make dinner. If they’re not here I’ll just cook for my DP. If they show up they’re perfectly capable of making a few simple dishes like pasta with a stir though sauce or a chicken and cucumber wrap.

[Athyrium]

I think Im in danger of getting ranty the more I carry on with this thread!!
@ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat Exactly! I am expected to be in at all times and get a hard time if Im not. How the hell has that happened?? My 16 year old texted me this the other day: 'Please let us know if you are going out at handover time.' In other words, he forgot to bring his key with him at an unclarified time and I was not in.

[Simplelobsterhat]

I'm a bit surprised at the responses here. People are talking like they are adults. I would expect a parent of a 15 year old to want to know roughly where they are and what time they will be home, and to still eat meals with them where practical surely? These aren't adult dc or people she just shares a house with! There is scope for all kinds of issues of both parents think they are with the other one.

I think it is reasonable for them to want some flexibility and choice, but also for you to insist that comes with responsibility for communicating about plans and checking changes in plan are convenient for BOTH parents, and for tidying up after themselves before they leave.

[Twawmyarse]

I find it hard to relate to your situation as I have 4 teen dc's who come and go pretty much as they please and it doesn't really bother me at all. And if I was annoyed I would not let them know it as I wouldn't want to make them feel unwelcome. It's their home and safe space. So practical solutions I would say:

Buy a coded lockbox for outside the house that has a key and must always be put straight back after opening the door

Have a freezer full of ready meals/pizzas etc. if they come unannounced they make their own tea.

I do understand frustration over the messiness but I just tell myself they won't be here forever and shut the door on it (in their bedrooms at least). Teens are messy.

[girlmom21]

My 16 year old texted me this the other day: 'Please let us know if you are going out at handover time.'

Tell him not to be a snarky little shit and remember his key.

[Festoonlights]

360 degree tracker on their phone
ex dh needs to text you if they are staying with him
Stock easy to cook food
of course you need to know where they are!! They are still minors

[Festoonlights]

YADNBU