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AIBU?

To tell my DCs to just go!

105 replies

Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:02

I share custody of my DCs with exH. They are 15 and 16. This last year they have pushed back against having set times to change houses. They used to go to the next parent straight from school mid week, then at a similar sort of time they'd swap again at the weekend. However, things seem to have slowly changed such that they are now anywhere at anytime...which is many ways is great since both houses are their homes and they should be free to come and go. Or should they?? Because it's driving me potty. I never know when they are going to arrive or when they are going to leave and we end up with me getting stressed and telling them just to go. Im someone who just needs to know what's going on and when so this is causing me major stress! But they are taking it as I don't want them here. AIBU? Or would this free flow stress anyone out?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

345 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
66%
You are NOT being unreasonable
34%
mandlerparr · 15/11/2022 21:12

I don't think your reactions or emotions are unreasonable. I think you may be approaching unreasonable in how you tell those to others. It is not U to expect people to come and go at scheduled times. I know that I would be a worried wreck if I didn't know where my kids were every day. That is just rude of them. I would also worry that they are using this freedom to escape from difficult situations instead of dealing with them. and by that, I mean not doing chores, homework, etc and just bailing to the other parent's house instead of dealing with things. Nor is it unreasonable to be able to sit down and watch or movie or do a project or have a date and know that your time with be private. I mean, I don't know other people's kids, but mine try to talk my ear off half the time when they get home. some of us have to be prepared for that sort of onslaught. I mean, just because you don't understand why we feel that way, that doesn't make our feelings less valid. OP is allowed to feel unsettled and put upon since that is how they feel. The wrong part is lashing out at them. Sounds like it is time for you, the ex, and the kids to have a sit down and a talk about reasonable boundaries for all. And that if they really want to be this free, they have to understand that they need to tell each parent where they are that day and that can't expect either parent to just drop everything for them at a moment's notice. Now, if they come in the house, say hi, and then go to their rooms and you are being bothered by just that--you may need to see someone to help with that. But it sounds like they aren't communicating plans and comings and goings and that is a big problem. I don't know why anyone would say it is not.

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ClaryFairchild · 11/09/2022 02:31

Athyrium · 10/09/2022 15:05

Thanks for all the comments (especially the kind ones!) lots of food for thought. I popped round to exH's house earlier for a family chat and it turns out that to an extent he is having similar issues. We kind of re-drew the boundaries with the DCs about time keeping, chores, communication etc and whilst ex's approach is often quite different to mine, in situations like this he does say the right thing and supports me so fingers crossed we'll get back on track a bit.

Well it sounds like you're tackling this the right way. The DC are probably just testing the boundaries and feeling more grown up than they actually are. Good luck with it all!

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Jaaxe · 10/09/2022 16:29

I’m a bit shocked by some of the replies on here….I can totally understand why you’d be stressed by this….I’d be stressed not knowing where my kids were, thinking they’re meant to be home with u but they don’t turn up. Making their tea and them not turning up to eat it. Thinking it’s just you for the night and they turn up wanting feeding and you’ve only cooked for yourself. Yes it’s their home but it’s not a hotel with 24 hour room service where they can just come and go as they please….you are right to speak to them and set some rules, It’s just curtesy letting your parents know where u are, whether you’ll be in for tea and if not what time you’ll be home. My parents wernt divorced but I had to let them know when I’d be home, if I was eating out, what my plans were so they didn’t worry about me….you can’t just assume they’re safe at the other parents house and they’ll be home when they feel like it….what if they aren’t? What if the other parent thinks the same and they’re In danger somewhere 🤷‍♀️

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Mxyzptlk · 10/09/2022 16:09

Busy77 · 10/09/2022 15:44

How about the WhatsApp group for the four of you - and every morning they write where are eating and sleeping and ETAs for that day. Or if you are going out you say you must stay at the other house...

How about the kids don't get to dictate to everyone ?

I hope you can get communication better sorted out, OP.
Those kids need to know that other people deserve consideration, not just them.

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Mxyzptlk · 10/09/2022 15:59

Castleheights · 09/09/2022 19:15

It matters because if they go missing or are hurt nobody is expecting them … of course yanbu

A friend of mine was told by her Mum - "If you let me know when you'll be here, and you don't turn up, I'll start looking for you.
If you haven't let me know, and something's happened to you, I won't be looking.

Your teens should think about this.

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Scaredypup · 10/09/2022 15:58

I think the responses here are bizarre. I absolutely couldn’t live like that, not knowing if they’re coming home or when. I wouldn’t be able to relax at all.
I have a 17 year old who is similar although
doesnt have another home and I hate it.

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TealSapphire · 10/09/2022 15:50

YANBU at all. Seriously I've seen threads on here where people are adamant that 16yo's should not be left home alone. So what it's OK that they come and go as they please, meaning at times you don't know where they are?!

They're not flatmates they are children. And you're not some monster telling them they are unwanted. If the plan is they leave for dads at x time then barring anything unexpected they should head off around that time. And tell you if they will be later than usual home.

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Busy77 · 10/09/2022 15:44

How about the WhatsApp group for the four of you - and every morning they write where are eating and sleeping and ETAs for that day. Or if you are going out you say you must stay at the other house...

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confessionstoday · 10/09/2022 15:37

Oh I get this completely.
My ds15 goes to dads eow. Last night he comes home from school and says he's not going he's going tmr instead.

Don't worry about my plans.

We had a fall out. I feel like I'm telling him to go away but the reality is I've made plans that don't include him and he's changed them with no consideration for anyone else.

Dad doesn't care.

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YesitsBess · 10/09/2022 15:24

I’m with you OP, can you imagine thinking it was a night ‘off’ and having a lovely bath and some music and a glass of wine then suddenly: a bunch of teenage boys!

Glad your chat with the family went well and I hope it helps. Maybe organise a sit down meal once a week also with the kids so they don’t forget how to eat with forks, or what a vegetable is 😀

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oviraptor21 · 10/09/2022 15:10

*manage some other way.

Glad you have had a chat. Hope things improve.

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oviraptor21 · 10/09/2022 15:08

You don't need a lock box! They need keys and if they forget them and you are out they just have to wait for you or manage some time.
You tell them when you are cooking. If they're not in then just put the excess in the freezer. They will have to fend for themselves if they come in later.
You give them say one day a week when they are not welcome at all. That's your shagging day (if required).
The one thing that would bother me is that you don't know where they are. They're 16 and 16. That's not on. But that wouldn't be on even if you still lived with your ex. Do you have a group chat where they can message where they are or you can ask and maybe your ex would be able to answer if they knew? But I guess it's not just you that has that issue. I should imagine most parents do at one time or another. I know we did a few times and yes it's scary.

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Athyrium · 10/09/2022 15:05

Thanks for all the comments (especially the kind ones!) lots of food for thought. I popped round to exH's house earlier for a family chat and it turns out that to an extent he is having similar issues. We kind of re-drew the boundaries with the DCs about time keeping, chores, communication etc and whilst ex's approach is often quite different to mine, in situations like this he does say the right thing and supports me so fingers crossed we'll get back on track a bit.

OP posts:
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Athyrium · 10/09/2022 14:53

@Midlifemusings The funny thing is, I'm the laid back parent and ex is the stressy, controlling strict one! If anything I've been too laid back and let things slide too much...however things have come to a bit of a head and I don't think getting annoyed and stressed when they constantly don't arrive as expected/do arrive when not expected makes me neurotic - I just want to know what's going on! Then I can relax a bit and not worry about eg. shouId I close the loo door; dash naked across from the bathroom or not; have a heart to heart with a mate without a bunch of lairy teens turning up unannounced; not be needed for lifts; go to bed early without having to get up again to let someone in etc. Younger DC is a bit of a bugger and likes to sneak in and make me jump which does not help, I'm on constant alert for him!! Yes, I have told him not to, he has now eased off somewhat!

OP posts:
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Puffalicious · 10/09/2022 14:37

THEY need to communicate clearly where they'll be. I have 2 teens who spend time at their dad's- if things are a bit out of the ordinary (dad's shifts/ DS1 uni/ shifts/ both rugby training/ party- like tonight DS2 has a party so can't go to dad's as organised) the arrangements are made very clear and everyone told.

V good advice from PP - a key safe and pizza/ salad/ pasta always available/ bread and fillings for the toastie machine (best thing I ever bought) and supermarket fresh soup in the fridge. Good luck.

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ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 10/09/2022 14:12

I still don't think it's highly strung or anxious to want to know your kids' movements and to want to be able to plan around them. If the op was on here saying she was just cracking on with her own life and her mid teen kids were complaining she'd be told she was neglectful and uncaring.

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Simplelobsterhat · 10/09/2022 13:43

I'm really surprised that people would be happy to take no reply as staying at dad's / don't want dinner at 15- what if you both think they are with the other parent and don't realise something has happened to them/ they take advantage to do something out of bounds etc? I'd expect a 15 year old to still have a curfew to be honest.

And yes a teenager should be able to sort our their own dinner, but never being able to plan to sit down for a family dinner is a bit sad and probably leads to pretty terrible nutrition! Plenty of time for that when they are at uni - people seem keen to rush the growing up on this thread.
A calm conversation about respect, communication and not treating you like a housekeeper is needed I think.

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VioletInsolence · 10/09/2022 13:36

I’d hate this OP - it would drive me insane. What if something happened to them and you and your ex thought they were at each other’s homes?

And your feelings do matter? How are kids meant to learn if we always pretend to be ok and they’re the only ones allowed feelings?

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/09/2022 12:57

Athyrium · 09/09/2022 19:18

@mountainsunsets They are both shite at comms

This is what you have to work on.
Unfortunately, as they are growing up there are more things on their schedule, afterschool, homework, social and thats probably the underlying reason.
Set some rules calmly without nagging or whinging... encourage them to co-operate as it will be better for everyone.
Family WhatsApp and they have to say if they are at your house that evening or not that day.
If plans change they have to let you know ... four words...I'm at dads tonight.

Explain you need to know they are safe and you need to know if you have to cook.
Explain its time-wasting and expensive buying food for people who are not there.

Get them to choose some meals they really like. ( so many how tos for simple recipes on Instagram etc) Get them to cook a few for the family - they will soon realise the effort that goes in to it and will want everyone there to try their stuff.

Otherwise they make their own and if the ingredients are not they, they have to get them from the shop themselves. Dont sit around for two hours waiting for them. Get on with your own things.

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lechatnoir · 10/09/2022 12:56

At 15/16 whilst my kids do come & go and often keep anti-social hours in holidays, the difference is I know if or when they are coming home and I know the meal I cook will get eaten. Until they are adults you need to know - are they at dads? Or should I be ringing the police?

It does sound like you need a conversation about how they treat your house as a hotel and seem to pull their weight at dads and generally treat him with more respect. Not a time for anger or accusation but a grown up conversation about how and why this might be, what you can do to help the situation (probably backing off a bit) and what you'd like from them in return.

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ittakes2 · 10/09/2022 12:55

Even if they lived with you full time surely at their age they will be coming and going on their own schedule to live their social lives? You are damaging your relationship with them at a very crucial age.

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mycatisannoying · 10/09/2022 12:55

Oh sorry, having reread your post I can see that my reply wasn't entirely relevant to your question!
YANBU though. It's hard to relax or plan when you don't know what's happening.

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mycatisannoying · 10/09/2022 12:53

My ex husband has our teenage girls every second weekend. I am fiercely protective of this time off, as I do the vast majority of stuff for them. I matter too, and time off is important to me and my mental well-being.

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Skolo · 10/09/2022 12:46

I know one divorced couple who do it the other way round. The children stay in the same house and the parents swap between the house and a 2 bed flat. God knows how they manage it, but it does seem fairer on the children.

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Midlifemusings · 10/09/2022 12:45

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 10/09/2022 12:14

@Midlifemusings bloody hell, I don't think the OP is "highly strung" and "anxious" just wants a bit of clarity about coming and going. I think the fact that its two homes is irrelevant. When mine are old enough to come and go I will be expecting them to give me some warning and courtesy, regardless of hormones, friends or anything else. The OP isn't asking for a strict schedule, just some communication.

It is her anxiety about not knowing needing to put her life on hold that tells me that. If they show up without their key - then they are stuck outside without a key if I am not home - I don't stress about needig to be home 24/7 incase they show up without a key. They turn up at teatime without letting me know - then they pull together something to eat, I don't stress about not having done a major shop and haivng dinner prepared. They come over with friends and raid the pantry - then there are no snacks there the next while. In your house, if your child turns up earlier or later than they told you - you will send them away?

You will get some teens who are also anxious and like a lot of routine and structure and they would get along great with OPs approach, but teens like OP has that want independence and like to be out and about and not on a tight schedule are also very normal typical teens and feeling 'micromanaged' pushes them away.

There are a lot of anxious high strung people in the world, it isn't an insult. It is accepting who you are and learning how to get along with your kids who aren't like you during a developmental stage where many want space and independence.

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