To tell my DCs to just go!

[Athyrium]

I share custody of my DCs with exH. They are 15 and 16. This last year they have pushed back against having set times to change houses. They used to go to the next parent straight from school mid week, then at a similar sort of time they'd swap again at the weekend. However, things seem to have slowly changed such that they are now anywhere at anytime...which is many ways is great since both houses are their homes and they should be free to come and go. Or should they?? Because it's driving me potty. I never know when they are going to arrive or when they are going to leave and we end up with me getting stressed and telling them just to go. Im someone who just needs to know what's going on and when so this is causing me major stress! But they are taking it as I don't want them here. AIBU? Or would this free flow stress anyone out?

A friend of mine was told by her Mum - "If you let me know when you'll be here, and you don't turn up, I'll start looking for you.
If you haven't let me know, and something's happened to you, I won't be looking.

Your teens should think about this.

How about the kids don't get to dictate to everyone ?

I hope you can get communication better sorted out, OP.
Those kids need to know that other people deserve consideration, not just them.

I’m a bit shocked by some of the replies on here….I can totally understand why you’d be stressed by this….I’d be stressed not knowing where my kids were, thinking they’re meant to be home with u but they don’t turn up. Making their tea and them not turning up to eat it. Thinking it’s just you for the night and they turn up wanting feeding and you’ve only cooked for yourself. Yes it’s their home but it’s not a hotel with 24 hour room service where they can just come and go as they please….you are right to speak to them and set some rules, It’s just curtesy letting your parents know where u are, whether you’ll be in for tea and if not what time you’ll be home. My parents wernt divorced but I had to let them know when I’d be home, if I was eating out, what my plans were so they didn’t worry about me….you can’t just assume they’re safe at the other parents house and they’ll be home when they feel like it….what if they aren’t? What if the other parent thinks the same and they’re In danger somewhere 🤷‍♀️

Well it sounds like you're tackling this the right way. The DC are probably just testing the boundaries and feeling more grown up than they actually are. Good luck with it all!

I don't think your reactions or emotions are unreasonable. I think you may be approaching unreasonable in how you tell those to others. It is not U to expect people to come and go at scheduled times. I know that I would be a worried wreck if I didn't know where my kids were every day. That is just rude of them. I would also worry that they are using this freedom to escape from difficult situations instead of dealing with them. and by that, I mean not doing chores, homework, etc and just bailing to the other parent's house instead of dealing with things. Nor is it unreasonable to be able to sit down and watch or movie or do a project or have a date and know that your time with be private. I mean, I don't know other people's kids, but mine try to talk my ear off half the time when they get home. some of us have to be prepared for that sort of onslaught. I mean, just because you don't understand why we feel that way, that doesn't make our feelings less valid. OP is allowed to feel unsettled and put upon since that is how they feel. The wrong part is lashing out at them. Sounds like it is time for you, the ex, and the kids to have a sit down and a talk about reasonable boundaries for all. And that if they really want to be this free, they have to understand that they need to tell each parent where they are that day and that can't expect either parent to just drop everything for them at a moment's notice. Now, if they come in the house, say hi, and then go to their rooms and you are being bothered by just that--you may need to see someone to help with that. But it sounds like they aren't communicating plans and comings and goings and that is a big problem. I don't know why anyone would say it is not.