To worry we gave away 100k of my inheritance!

[howdidIgetthere]

My DH thinks I am, but if I'm right then it's in his interest to say that!

Basically, we were in a pickle buying a house last year. We were consolidating houses with my DF to purchase a big house, and hoped that myself of my DF could be on the mortgage or deeds as a safety due to my DF helping with the deposit.

To cut a long story and identifying details this wasn't possible. Neither of us could be on a plausible mortgage, and the lenders wouldn't like us on the deeds either. But we needed a house. So as I was already engaged, we agreed between us that my DF would 'gift' 100k of inheritance to my DH so that he could solely purchase the house, but we would get married beforehand to safeguard my stake.

So we eloped without telling anyone else, my DF gifted the money and the house was purchased in my DH's name only. We had a proper wedding a few weeks after and all is well. As far as I know, because the house was purchased after marriage, I have a stake in the house should we divorce, and can get some of that value back in lieu of my inheritance/not be left with no money and nowhere to live.

However, since the purchase the house has had extensive renovations and its value is increasing significantly. I have noticed that my DH keeps referring to people that the purchase date was back in the summer, months before our marriage. I know for a fact from the deeds etc that the closing date was not until a month after we were married, when the funds were transferred. Before the marriage, the mortgage may just have been accepted, but zero money had been exchanged.

When I ask him about this he says iabu for questioning him, that yes he bought it before we got married ie he's taking the acceptance of an offer on the house as when he bought it. This is obviously very worrying for me, as if he bought it before we were married or some other loophole then in the case of divorce I have lost most of my inheritance and have no stake on the house!!!

I don't know why he is saying this as at the time he agreed it was the best option so that all parties were happy and protected. I have resisted a marital rights notice on the deeds, but otherwise I am still not on the deeds or the mortgage (I don't have a high enough income). So who is BU? Have we been misled and given away my inheritance, or is my DH wrong and for some reason trying to say something that's incorrect?

I have had a couple of buyers miss their completion date.

Nothing happens. They are given a few more days then they complete.

I was annoyed the first time it happened and wondered why we couldn’t claim their deposit.

OTOH we missed our completion date once because funds from our mortgage left the bank after a certain time in the day which meant they didn’t arrive at the solicitors until the following day. Or the Monday. as it was a Friday completion.

Yes, I will try to make a solid plan and advance towards that so I can start earning and having some financial security. I have credit cards I can use at any time but cash for savings is extremely limited so I have basically no savings

Could you do what a friends mum did.
Completely different circumstances and scenario but very similar in that she was given by her fil on her wedding day a company credit card that the business paid.
Over the years she would ask for antique jewellery for Christmas and Birthdays. She would buy things like posh face cream. She had a jar on her dressing table that she would fill with her cheap face cream and then every couple of months she would buy a pot of the posh stuff and sell it on. Putting anything she earned in a safety deposit box in her unmarried name. Children had their Ernie bonds topped up at Christmas and Birthdays
She even joined a gym each year. Paid all the fees up front then during the cooling off period she would cancel then offer her own private bank card for the refund.
There are lots of other ways to put a little aside each month.

I don't know I guess if we argue he threatens it. It's always in the back of the mind that the more successful he gets the more likely it is that he may divorce me. I don't want to be trapped if I am too unhappy. I don't want him to have a hold over my head that I am nothing without him or would be in an awful place. I feel like he has too much power and control. Like the will for example. when I mentioned it yesterday he said it's a secret. He laughed it off and said it's for his solicitor to know only, I have no way of making him tell me. there's nothing I can do if he says no re. bank accounts or asking him questions he can say whatever he likes

He won’t divorce you atm as he needs an unpaid nanny to look after his children and he wants to get you pregnant next year so you don’t have the time to think about looking for work because of you did find a job then you are useless to him. He would have to start paying for childcare which would mean less money for him.
He is scaling the heights of his career using you and your father as rungs on the ladder To be stepped on in order to get to a higher rung.

Long story short I guess I don't feel very secure or safe, I don't feel protected

You are correct that you don’t feel protected because you aren’t.
Whilst the starting point for divorce is 50/50 it doesn’t mean that you can marry someone and waltz off with half their funds the next day. I think time married and children together count towards the 50% or more split.
A short marriage with no children woul reduce it.

Were the events in this order.
Gibraltar wedding-Completed on house- Marriage in the uk.

If it was then I would be checking all the forms and documents for mistakes, spelling mistakes etc because I would be having a bad feeling that there was something wrong and the marriage ends up void in which case the house was bought before you married.

If you eloped and you say your father didn’t know. Can I ask how he thought his money was going to be protected if the wedding was after your then boyfriend had completed on the house
That doesn’t seem to add up.
I would be suspicious that he had a hand or did at least know you were getting married.

Also whilst you are clutching the deeds to the house with your name on. It doesn’t mean you are guaranteed that you will walk away with anything.
Your Dh is still the only one on the mortgage. What happens if he decides to take money out in the form of a huge mortgage. Could you stop him? What if he remortgages so often you end up in negative equity or the mortgage only being covered by the sale of the house.

Can I ask does your Dh gamble.
i ask because a friend said her Dh was generous with his credit card. But there was never any cash or savings.
A few other things like not being able to get a mortgage easily, being secretive and a few other littles asides point to someone who isn’t financially stable at best and someone with an addiction problem at worse

You have only been married such a short time
This is supposed to be the honeymoon period. If you are saying it isn’t a happy marriage now then a few years down the line it is going to be a horrendous marriage.

@Kennykenkencat that's a good idea as like I said before yes I can buy stuff on the cc no problem but I could just withdraw 500 from the joint account for my savings right now, he'd be pissed.

My dad did know about the marriage we agreed that plan between us and he said we had to be married before he'd transfer the money.

No it's not 'my money' the 100k.. but my DF has taken it out of my inheritance.

I'm worried how my DH will react when I finds out I've spent money on a solicitor to do transfer deeds. Depending on how much it is but over 3/4 hundred especially 500 plus I should ask him. So I will start by ringing the bank and seeing if they can do it without exorbitant solicitor fees first, then if they say no or to go to the solicitor I will go there, but I'm uneasy about not telling him.

Could you ask your father for the money for the legal/financial advice and leave husband out of it altogether? His interests might not be protected either, and he should be made aware of that. Would your father tell husband?

It is such a tangled weave indeed.

I mean your father's interests, not your husband's in my post above.

Can you not just say when he asks, that you're only finalising what the plan was all along - that after 6 months you go on the deeds? That's no secret is it! That was what was agreed.

There’s no point contacting the bank as they are not the ones who can alter the deeds. Also, you are not their customer so they have no connection with you and unless your DH has given them permission to talk to you they shouldn’t discuss anything with you. PP have said where/how to get your name on the deeds and you don’t necessarily need a solicitor to do it. Fill in an online form and lay the fee. As you r DH is the sole owner of the property he would have to sign and agree to the transfer. Would he do that?

Your DF has decreased your inheritance by £100k by giving it away to someone else. Are you ok with that? It’s not “inheritance” as that can’t be given unless someone has died. How much more are you likely to get ie what percentage of your inheritance is the £100k? It’s a lifetime gift which may have tax implications somewhere and if your DF is still quite young, he may need that money for his future care in which case the LA can come after it as deprivation of assets.

The deposit you had to pay for your house seems excessively high and would add to my suspicions that your DH was doing something hinky. 10% is the usual amount of deposit requested. Did you see the sale/purchase contract? It would usually mention the deposit amount.

It all sounds a bit 🥺

Does your DH stalk your internet/MN use and that's why you are worried about outing yourself?

OP, ringing the bank about transfer deeds because 'the internet says so' is as bad as 'DH says' or 'DF says'.

Consult your own solicitor. Lay this entire mess before them and follow their professional legal advice as to what you should do to best protect your own interests.

Take the money out in multiple smaller amounts, or ask your father, or sell something. Or you could just divorce a man who controls your finances to prevent you getting independent advice - in which case you'll be needing the lawyer anyway.

no @Lolapusht this is my point that I've been slated for being confused yet everyone says different things! It's not an online form to add me to the deeds, it's a transfer or equity so I believe a conveyancing solicitor has to do that, however they need the agreement from the bank, and even though the bank the mortgage is with does allow people on the deed but not mortgage I'm still not sure if 1. they will have an issue with it but 2. they will probably then need my DH's involvement.

So no it's not an online form, at the time and according to DH and DF we need to make an appt with the bank and they apparently can get a solicitor to do what's necessary but they have the say so because there is still a hefty mortgage on it

I suggest not taking any more advice on the practicalities of this from posters on here, not because they don't know what they're talking about but because you're going to end up overwhelmed and its hard to know which advice is correct and which isnt.

All you need to do is see a lawyer and explain the whole situation and ask them what you do next.

@greenhousegal my DF is not exactly supportive of me going to a solicitor. I need to find out tomorrow the exact steps and then if I can concretely tell him I need this and it costs this then potentially. I have to choose my risk really. I don't want to keep secrets and I'm not good at it either so yes hopefully I can get the concrete steps, it's straightforward enough that I can pay or arrange whatever before having to involve my DH, then i'll tell them together so my DH can't blow up or shrug me off in front of DF. That's what I'm hoping.

Worst case scenario is they say first hurdle, I need my DH ie to talk to the bank or something. Then he has every power to not do it and it may become a point of conflict again.

I believe the deposit was 25%.

yes @sammielouise they both told me at the time yes you'll go on the deeds after 6 months so best case scenario I can present a form that needs signing and no-one can back out of it easily.

no @HumphreysCorner but there are a lot of details about me already on here, including a living arrangement and scenario that's not very common. Add in something a little unusual on my side re DM, an even rarer situation on DH side re. DC's DM, and I feel that would be extremely outing.

@Lolapusht I think the way my DF rationalises it is that he's benefitted me by a huge amount helping me to get a house (not done for my siblings yet) so that value is taken out of any inheritance to make things fair for my siblings. I have no idea if that's the majority of it or not.

I understand that @Stravaig but when I spoke to my DF about it hoping for support he was disapproving of solicitors as said they would run up huge fees that I could avoid by speaking to the bank. I know technically it's joint money but over a few hundred quid I will be asked difficult questions by DH. But I will speak to them and ask for a consultation to start as that can't be too expensive.

I agree with this Op. Best of luck.

Yep

Banks deal with money, solicitors deal with the law! Yes they have fees, but that’s because you’re paying for someone’s knowledge and experience to protect your interests. Your could have just given someone £100k with no legal recourse to getting it back. You, personally, may never see that money again. If he added someone else’s name to the deeds, a brother/child etc, as a joint tenant then if he dies the house automatically transfers to the surviving owner and doesn’t form part of his estate.

This explains the process of adding a name to title deeds (it is NOT the Land Registry website so don’t go through the website for forms etc, but it gives a clear explanation) www.land-search-online.co.uk/information/adding-a-name-to-deeds.

With respect, none of this is any of your dad’s business. He gifted the money to your DH so he no longer has any control over it. It’s between you and your DH. I would stop discussing things with either of them until you know what has happened, what should have happened and what you want to happen. The 6 month wait is also a completely arbitrary length of time. Did they say why 6 months and not 3 or 12?

You sound like you’ve come from quite a sheltered, traditional, patriarchal background which can be fine if the blokes actually take care of the women correctly. It doesn’t sound like either of the men in your life are acting in your best interest.

Think about posting in Relationships and Legal Matters once you’ve sorted things out a bit.

This thread is so confused that I think the only result is going to be to piss husband and father off big time, (maybe that’s the aim) because if you can get a lawyer to take the case on the costs are going to be high.

I understand that Stravaig but when I spoke to my DF about it hoping for support he was disapproving of solicitors as said they would run up huge fees that I could avoid by speaking to the bank. I know technically it's joint money but over a few hundred quid I will be asked difficult questions by DH. But I will speak to them and ask for a consultation to start as that can't be too expensive.

There @howdidIgetthere, I've formatted your post to strike out all 'DF says' and 'DH being controlling' and bolded what's left. A nice clear plan of action!

There are always aberrations in any cultural situation. Who has abandoned children what am I missing? If you elope you are usually being secretive so either a big wedding celebration still happened or not in this case cultural norm or not. What on earth do you mean re two single remarry is a white British thing? Weird statement

Quite frankly OP, you need to not care if DH is going to be pissed or not. He took your money in an agreement to get the house and that you would be on the deeds once the mortgage went through. That needs to happen now.

You have your children to think of and their future to care for. Grow a pair and put him straight.

Let him be pissed if he wants, it’s your house too. I would get your family and his family involved if needed, tell everyone that he took your money and now he won’t help you get your name on the deeds.

Shame him for being the sly, lazy, swindler he seems to be. See what his high flying colleagues think about him ripping off a young mother and her vulnerable father.

Then don’t tell you father anything

Your father has given away a 6 figure amount and he is worried about a few hundred pounds. Is he for real?

Or does he know deep down he is living on the edge and he doesn’t want to be confronted with how stupid he has been.

This worrying about annoying your husband or your father or the cost involved of safeguarding your money is madness.

It's a HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS you area at risk of losing. What does it matter how much it costs to do that? Get a night job in an Amazon Warehouse to cover it if you have to.

Op I’ve said it so many times, do not listen to your dad or tell him anything now. He’ll is not looking out for you I know that’s hard for you to believe. I don’t know why he’s worried about a few hundred pound fees when he quite happily handed over 100k to a stranger. Just keep your focus on getting legal advice and sorting this mess out and ignore all the noise.