For not making my daughter have a combination birthday or invite her cousin to her birthday sleepover?

[birthdayparties]

I have a daughter who is going to be turning 10. She has a cousin who is only a month older. For all their birthdays we have had a combined party for the two of them during a weekend between their birthdays. It’s always worked out well in the past because the girls were very close.

However this year my daughter said she does not want a combined party and would instead like to just have a sleepover with her core group of friends that she always has playdates with. This isn't unexpected as she’s getting older and she and her cousin have spent far less time together this year and have different interests now. My daughter also said she doesn’t like the attention that comes with having a big party.

I told my sister in law (niece’s mom) ahead of time that there would be a change of plans this year and we wouldn’t be doing to combined party. She at first tried to convince me to do it anyway because her daughter was really looking forward to it. She also said she was worried that other kids wouldn’t attend because her daughter has trouble making friends. Since I knew my daughter really didn’t want to do a combined party or a regular party at all I told my sister in law that it wasn’t happening, but my daughter would still be happy to attend her daughters party as a guest. That seemed to settle things.

We went to nieces party. Unfortunately my sister in law was right and no other kids came. However all the nieces and nephews in our family came so there were still a good amount of kids running around and niece didn’t seem upset. A few days later my sister in law did inform me that her daughter got very upset after everyone left.

Yesterday she messaged me to ask about my daughters upcoming party. I told her how my daughter will not be having a party and it’s just going to be her and her 2 best friends having a sleepover. My sister-in-law then practically begged me to let her daughter come because she was also looking forward to my daughter party (I never said she was having a party) and hanging out with her friends.

I did ask my daughter about what she thought about inviting her cousin to the sleepover and she was not a fan of the idea. She really just wants a small sleepover with her 2 best friends.

So I told my sister-in-law that it was already all planned with her friends and that maybe the girls could have a play date some other time or something to help her feel better. My sister-in-law then said that we’re the reason her daughter feels horrible because we changed how we always did things.

I replied by telling her that as the girls grew up things were bound to change and they were going to have different interests and friends. We should let them be individuals. My sister-in-law replied by accusing me and my daughter of purposely excluding her daughter and said that we were bullies.

I have not yet replied to that last message so that is where we are now.

To be honest I think the mistake was telling her what your DD was doing at all.

That sounds like the sensible thing to do in theory. But as they have always had a joint party in the past, OP was always going to have to tell SIL that it wouldn't be happening this year, and that would inevitably lead SIL to ask what she was doing.

YANBU at all OP, but I can imagine that if your SIL was posting on here, ‘you’ (in her version of events) would be absolutely torn to shreds by the AIBU mob.

It just goes to completely prove that there are always, always two sides to every story.

You're definitely not wrong to want to give your DD the party she wants.

Your SIL is also not in the least bit wrong to feel upset at - yet again - her DD missing out and not being able to join in.

Tough one.

I think you should stick to your guns. But I also recognise that must be so upsetting for your niece and her Mum.

This is a really balanced and fair post, and I agree entirely.

My DS and DD are both autistic - they struggle to adapt if things are different once a pattern has been set. So it's possible that your niece found the change really unsettling in itself, quite apart from the fact that she struggles with friendships.

As a parent of an autistic child, it can be heartbreaking. I really feel for your SIL and your niece.

Def a good idea to keep things like sleepovers to yourself if possible - no point in making niece feel sadder/excluded unnecessarily.

But at the same time, your DD is not her cousin's keeper. She shouldn't have to give up on what she wants for her birthday to keep her cousin happy. YANBU at all, but maybe just try to see things from your SIL and niece's perspective and don't be too angry at them. But absolutely stick to your guns.

By acting deranged?

If I was your sil SHE should have looked into helping her dd make some (or a) friend(s). Its not your or your dds responsibility to have a joint party cuz the niece has no friends

No friends would indicate to me that the niece isnt a nice girl at all.

Dont give in
Dont reply
Just leave it. Youve done great. Had great replies and youve offered an alternative

Hope your dd has an amazing time at her sleep over 🥰

I would slso make it clear in a nice way that there wont be any more joint parties in the future either. Otherwise youll have this same conversation again next year.

"She has special needs and is lonely and friendless. No harm in teaching your daughter to be kind in situations like that."

Op HAD BEEN kind by offering other alternative. Yes it is sad. But it is not to be made into someone else's burden

The mom of the kid should figure out how to make her dds birthday special. Not BULLY op about it.

I 100% agree with you OP, and would have done the same. You're advocating for your daughter, rather than teaching her to put her wants second for someone else. It's her 10th birthday, not any old day, and you were clear with your SIL.

That doesn't mean your niece is going to like it, but unfortunately that's not for you to manage or prioritise. Change is hard for some, you and your daughter were not being unkind in making this choice. Maybe next year its a joint family thing but your daughter shouldn't be pressured into having a party so her cousin can hang with her mates.

I would carry on with my daughters plans, invite cousin for a separate sleep over in case that helps, and while it would be hard I’d completely forgive sils unreasonableness as she is understandably stressed and upset for her daughter and it is heartbreaking for her mum, I’d tell my Dh to cool his heels
too.

What happens at school op? I’m not sure how to get it right but I’d want to make very sure
my daughter doesn’t go along with any bullying or overt ostracisation of cousin if thats happening and is nice to cousin, doesn’t just ignore her if that’s what everyone does.

I’d say forgiveness depends on whether genuine apologies are made or not. The sister’s motivations may be sympathetic, but her actions are not.

OP forcing sleepovers on her daughter is hardly going to result in a close relationship between cousins, or even between mother and daughter. Total recipe for anger and resentment.

Considering how OP’s involvement has turned out, I’d say the husband had the right idea in the first place. Given that he’s the one that grew up with his sister and knows her best, I wonder if he saw this shit coming a mile off. He doesn’t need to be charming when his wife and kid are on the receiving end of his sister’s anger and name calling, ‘fuck off’ works just fine.

I think this issue was always going to come to a head like this and it was never going to be pretty.

Apart from her accusing you of bullying I don’t think either of you were unreasonable - you’re both protecting your children. She’s now crossed a line and been a dick, but behind the scenes she’s probably heartbroken about her dd so I’d try and forgive her.

Remain dignified in your silence and get on with your life. Let DH and SIL set the way forward and keep your boundaries. At least this line is drawn now, your dd has broken the mould and you are free to have birthdays her way in the future. That’s a positive.

@Marvellousmadness your post was bloody awful The girl has a diagnosis of autism. It’s very likely she is a lovely child who does not understand the complex rules of friendship….and you say she is not a nice child FFS. Children who are Neurodiverse are so misunderstood. Your post was incredibly uneducated & offensive.

Your SIL is also not in the least bit wrong to feel upset at - yet again - her DD missing out and not being able to join in

But she is very wrong for lashing out at OP and blaming her for her daughters upset.

You’re right to follow your daughters wishes.

your sister in law needs to help her dd build relationships and her own party this coming year. This will be more complex with autism but supported thoughtfully, it is possible. She should start by looking elsewhere for friendships - a local autism group or the children in school on the outside of friendship groups

It’s very selfish to expect a child to constantly put their own needs and desires on the back burner for another child’s wishes.