For not making my daughter have a combination birthday or invite her cousin to her birthday sleepover?

[birthdayparties]

I have a daughter who is going to be turning 10. She has a cousin who is only a month older. For all their birthdays we have had a combined party for the two of them during a weekend between their birthdays. It’s always worked out well in the past because the girls were very close.

However this year my daughter said she does not want a combined party and would instead like to just have a sleepover with her core group of friends that she always has playdates with. This isn't unexpected as she’s getting older and she and her cousin have spent far less time together this year and have different interests now. My daughter also said she doesn’t like the attention that comes with having a big party.

I told my sister in law (niece’s mom) ahead of time that there would be a change of plans this year and we wouldn’t be doing to combined party. She at first tried to convince me to do it anyway because her daughter was really looking forward to it. She also said she was worried that other kids wouldn’t attend because her daughter has trouble making friends. Since I knew my daughter really didn’t want to do a combined party or a regular party at all I told my sister in law that it wasn’t happening, but my daughter would still be happy to attend her daughters party as a guest. That seemed to settle things.

We went to nieces party. Unfortunately my sister in law was right and no other kids came. However all the nieces and nephews in our family came so there were still a good amount of kids running around and niece didn’t seem upset. A few days later my sister in law did inform me that her daughter got very upset after everyone left.

Yesterday she messaged me to ask about my daughters upcoming party. I told her how my daughter will not be having a party and it’s just going to be her and her 2 best friends having a sleepover. My sister-in-law then practically begged me to let her daughter come because she was also looking forward to my daughter party (I never said she was having a party) and hanging out with her friends.

I did ask my daughter about what she thought about inviting her cousin to the sleepover and she was not a fan of the idea. She really just wants a small sleepover with her 2 best friends.

So I told my sister-in-law that it was already all planned with her friends and that maybe the girls could have a play date some other time or something to help her feel better. My sister-in-law then said that we’re the reason her daughter feels horrible because we changed how we always did things.

I replied by telling her that as the girls grew up things were bound to change and they were going to have different interests and friends. We should let them be individuals. My sister-in-law replied by accusing me and my daughter of purposely excluding her daughter and said that we were bullies.

I have not yet replied to that last message so that is where we are now.

I think it would be awful to ruin a child's birthday to appease another.

Have a heart for her!

The emotional blackmail of things like “would it have killed her to have her cousin there” really boil my blood.

Shes a 10 year old child who has always gone along with the joint party. She was not unreasonable to request a very small event with a couple of friends.

My youngest DD will likely have no friends due to her disability. That doesn’t mean that her cousins and siblings should always sacrifice their wishes on their birthdays to accommodate her wants.

The OP has plenty of heart. She suggested play dates and time for the two girls and was called a bully.

Neither does yours... I only know 1 person who is (frankly quite wierdly) close to their cousin.

Its certainly not common to be besties with your cousin or even anything more than just standard cousin relationships where you see each other at family events and make polite small talk.

Regardless of that OP DD does not want to be super close friends with this cousin and cousin has to accept that.

Lets view this another way - say OP had a best friend with a DS with ADHD born the same time as her DD. They grew up having play dates and getting on ok and now he has an unrequited crush on her. He constantly want to crash OP DD playdates and hang around OPs DD and her friends and makes them uncomfortable so she stopped inviting him because it changes the dynamic.

Should OP the according to all these responses FORCE her daughter to date him because he wants a relationship and poor kid hes disabled so 'be kind'?

I mean unrequited wants suck but the dont entitle you to force someone to be your girlfriend (or in this case best friend).

You can not make OP DD friends be friends with this girl and if you keep forcing her on them it will only hurt OP DD not magically fix the cousins issues with making friends (and she is being taught a very bad lesson and will never actually make friends if she is lead to believe her wants come above others).

Oh dear. Yanbu at all - you are listening to what your dd wants and not being unkind at all.

Why does the cousin have no friends?

I too am that mum with my the child with additional needs and struggle with friendship. The anxiety I feel on behalf is crushing. OP do you get how blessed you are to have a child who understands all the nuanced rules that is required to make friends and is able to follow those rules ? Please. Please be kind.

She is kind, she has been incredible kind.

Are you asking her is to manipulate her child to appease another?
That's not very kind.

What that mother is going through is not the OPs burden.

Please stop with the be kind. You also have to be kind. IT is not OP's childs job to be her cousins only friend whether she wants to or not. That's not kind, to force her into an uncomfortable position.

Lots of us have children with difficulties, its not a free pass to take advantage of others and call them names when they don't allow us to.

Ah, didn't see the drip feed that your DD's cousin has autism. My answer still stands - you have gone about this kindly and taken your own DD's wishes into account.

Your h sounds charming btw - you arrange all the socialising for your two families and your h's response, when asked to get involved, is to want to tell his own sister to fuck off?? How rude.

God, I missed that . What a charmer he sounds...

To be fair, if I heard my sister was calling my wife a bully and selfish etc for no good reason, and worse, calling my 10 year old child that, I'd probably tell her to fuck off as well

What a way to twist things. The H’s response was due to his sister calling his wife and daughter bullies, after they made the effort to attend the cousin’s birthday.

What good husband/father tolerates that?

To be honest I think the mistake was telling her what your DD was doing at all. She's having a sleepover which honestly she could do multiple times a year, for reasons which aren't her birthday.

I would have said - she doesn't like the attention and doesn't want a party and leave it at that. Her having a sleepover with 2 bestfriends on a weekend is a bit mute. Her cousin need never know.

Now though, I'd not reply to the message. Give it some time, let your SIL calm down. If you don't hear from her within the next 7days - drop her a text and say - let's get a coffee and discuss now we've had time to reflect.

Going back now and replying in the heat of it all will just escalate the issue into a blazing row.

What does ‘be kind’ mean here exactly? That the OP should force her daughter into doing something she doesn’t want to do, because she’s got to ‘make up’ for the fact she’s ‘privileged’? That the daughter has to learn that she’s unimportant because it’s her job to always put her cousin first?

Do you think that’s going to make her like her cousin, and result in them having a good and loving relationship? Do you think she’s not going to throughly resent her mother?

Indeed. If my sibling was haranguing my husband and (hypothetical) child because they’d politely been told no, then I would not be inclined to be diplomatic and they would absolutely be told to fuck off.

It’s so hard when you have an autistic kid. They don’t get invited to parties. People don’t come to their parties. It’s sad. Can you not have a sleepover for your DDs friends and a small party with a few friends and your niece. It may be the only party invite she gets in the year 🥺

The neice already had her own party. OP's DD does not want a party.

You're suggesting OP host a party that neither she nor her DD wants simply to make her neice feel like she has friends for an hour or so...when they aren't actually her friends. How do you imagine thats a nice thing to do, for anyone involved?

So going against the child's wants and wishes?

So going against the child's wants and wishes?

And socialising another young girl into doing things to make other people happy, not herself.

So fuck what OP’s daughter wants and specifically requested, quite reasonably, after years of joint parties?

Do you really think that’s going to encourage the cousins having a close relationship? If anything it’s going to kill any chance they have of naturally developing a good relationship stone dead, with the cousin becoming someone she has to tolerate until she gets the opportunity to really put her foot down as a teenager, when she’s also pissed off at her mother for the lack of support.

I think you have been fair and communicated clearly what your daughter wants for her birthday. It you hadn't made it very clear from the start, I would have said you were unfair- but you have made it clear at every stage what was going to happen.
Stand firm.
Your daughter has told you what she wants for her birthday and that's fine.

Your niece had a party with your daughter and your daughter is doing her own thing. Both are fine.

Has sil asked the school to help with establishing friendships? Are there local clubs she can join? Brownies/guides/cubs/scouts/art classes/dancing/swimming/football/althletics. It's unusual that not one person who was invited from school came.

I'm a parent to two autistic children and have seen how much they can struggle with friendships. However, I would never and have never forced my children on other children. My kids know you can't be invited to everything and are fine with that because they do get invited to other things.

The reality is that your sil wants your daughter to be friends with her daughter who has autism and for your daughter to include her daughter in everything.
Your daughter is growing up and possibly has more maturity than your niece even though they are around the same age. Your daughter does not want her cousin at a sleepover with her 2 best friends.

I think at this stage your sil should look at getting some extra help for her daughter and work on building up her social skills. Building up her social skills will help her out more with people and day to day life. I know on FB a lot of mother's with autism kids have groups and they message each other privately on how to handle things regarding their kids.
Perhaps encouraging your sil to get her daughter involved in sport or with a group ie guides could help your niece make friends?

You gave your sil plenty of notice about the birthday party and your daughter went to her cousins birthday party. Your sil is not happy now because her daughter is not invited to a sleepover with your daughter and her friends. I would just say nothing at the moment rather than getting into an argument with your sil. Ask her to meet you someday without the kids and suggest getting her daughter involved in a group or a sport.
If you keep pushing your daughter towards her cousin she will end up hating her and any friendship between them will end.

@Aubriella - What a way to twist things. The H’s response was due to his sister calling his wife and daughter bullies, after they made the effort to attend the cousin’s birthday.

What good husband/father tolerates that?

There is a halfway house between not being involved at all and leaping straight to 'fuck off'. Perhaps if he had been involved more over the past, he'd have a better idea about his niece's difficulties and be more able to help.

He doesn't need to help with his necessary difficulties. His daughter said no. So telling his sister to fuck off over these shenanigans is absolutly appropriate

She is trying to bully and guilt you into having her daughter at your daughter's small sleepover celebration with her close friends. So, of course, she calls you a bully, which you're not, OP. They are not conjoined twins and it is to be expected your daughter will want to do things her own way as she grows older. Stay firm.