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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not making my daughter have a combination birthday or invite her cousin to her birthday sleepover?

166 replies

birthdayparties · 08/09/2022 15:36

I have a daughter who is going to be turning 10. She has a cousin who is only a month older. For all their birthdays we have had a combined party for the two of them during a weekend between their birthdays. It’s always worked out well in the past because the girls were very close.

However this year my daughter said she does not want a combined party and would instead like to just have a sleepover with her core group of friends that she always has playdates with. This isn't unexpected as she’s getting older and she and her cousin have spent far less time together this year and have different interests now. My daughter also said she doesn’t like the attention that comes with having a big party.

I told my sister in law (niece’s mom) ahead of time that there would be a change of plans this year and we wouldn’t be doing to combined party. She at first tried to convince me to do it anyway because her daughter was really looking forward to it. She also said she was worried that other kids wouldn’t attend because her daughter has trouble making friends. Since I knew my daughter really didn’t want to do a combined party or a regular party at all I told my sister in law that it wasn’t happening, but my daughter would still be happy to attend her daughters party as a guest. That seemed to settle things.

We went to nieces party. Unfortunately my sister in law was right and no other kids came. However all the nieces and nephews in our family came so there were still a good amount of kids running around and niece didn’t seem upset. A few days later my sister in law did inform me that her daughter got very upset after everyone left.

Yesterday she messaged me to ask about my daughters upcoming party. I told her how my daughter will not be having a party and it’s just going to be her and her 2 best friends having a sleepover. My sister-in-law then practically begged me to let her daughter come because she was also looking forward to my daughter party (I never said she was having a party) and hanging out with her friends.

I did ask my daughter about what she thought about inviting her cousin to the sleepover and she was not a fan of the idea. She really just wants a small sleepover with her 2 best friends.

So I told my sister-in-law that it was already all planned with her friends and that maybe the girls could have a play date some other time or something to help her feel better. My sister-in-law then said that we’re the reason her daughter feels horrible because we changed how we always did things.

I replied by telling her that as the girls grew up things were bound to change and they were going to have different interests and friends. We should let them be individuals. My sister-in-law replied by accusing me and my daughter of purposely excluding her daughter and said that we were bullies.

I have not yet replied to that last message so that is where we are now.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 08/09/2022 22:26

I’d be inclined to go with your husband’s approach. I can understand her upset, but you made it clear to her well in advance that you wouldn’t be having a joint party. Being disappointed and upset for her daughter is one thing, but trying to push you and your daughter to do something neither of you want to do, and then getting angry, isn’t reasonable.

Your daughter is at an age where she’s naturally forming her own friendship bonds, and trying to force closeness with her cousin is likely to have the completely opposite effect. And that’s without considering what it teaches her about her own wishes not mattering.

whumpthereitis · 08/09/2022 22:29

plinkypots · 08/09/2022 20:48

I'd have thought family bonds more important than friends your daughter will likely not even know in a few years. I'd have found a way to preserve the family bonds. You've made it clear now.

Why? Being related to someone doesn’t mean you’re going to be close to them, or that you even have to like them. I’ve got friends I’ve had for nearly three decades, and cousins I haven’t seen for the same amount of time. Family ties can be as deep or as shallow as you want them to be.

Sswhinesthebest · 08/09/2022 22:34

Your dd hasn’t had a party. She’s had two friends to sleepover.

MargaretBall · 08/09/2022 22:34

birthdayparties · 08/09/2022 20:14

@MargaretBall I didn't know you could do that. Where do you go on the app to do that? It's sort of hard to navigate and I can't find a help section.

Maybe you are just reading this with the wrong tone. I feel like you do something with written text compared to talking in person.

Perhaps I am, tone can be lost.To be clear I think separate events were appropriate, your daughter is a child with her own needs too - however some of the nasty comments about a child who is later revealed to be a socially excluded disabled child are horrible to read and could have been avoided if it had mentioned it in the first place - it is the key to all of this situation and that is my main point. Kindness can be shown here by understanding the other perspective, about why they have lashed out/ are sad - it does not have to be about giving in to others wishes. Hope you can resolve this as seems a shame to lose a friendship in these circumstances- relationships change , you can’t go back to the way things were but hopefully you can build a new relationship that is both kind and honest with the boundaries that work for you. It’s not a bad lesson for both DDs to learn either.

bringbackveronicamars · 08/09/2022 23:11

The only potential bullying going on here is SIL trying to force your 10 year old to do what she wants instead of what your 10 year old wants to do for her own birthday. Not acceptable.

You gave them warning that your daughter now wants to celebrate her birthday separately, as she's entitled to do; your daughter went to her cousin's party and celebrated with her; she's entitled to have the celebration she wants now, and that doesn't include her cousin.

Please stand up for your daughter. She isn't doing anything wrong.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 08/09/2022 23:19

I think you did the right thing, your daughters feelings are important too.

Randomcommentary · 09/09/2022 07:23

birthdayparties · 08/09/2022 18:48

@Randomcommentary she is my husbands sister. The conversation has just been us mums because we are usually the ones to set up play dates. I have talked my husband about this issue. He would absolutely be willing to talk to his sister about, but If he got involved it would likely escalate things because he just wants to tell her to F off.

But then he’d be dealing with his family in a way that he feels is appropriate.

IchbineinBerlinerin · 09/09/2022 07:28

While it's a shame for your niece to feel like she has no friends, you're not wrong supporting your daughter with what she wants. It's not up to your daughter to make sure her cousin has friends.

nosyma · 09/09/2022 07:41

Maybe this would be a time to teach your DD that sometimes we need to have compassion for others ??

Of course the poor girl is hurt. Her Party has been cut off and now she's not invited to a sleep over.

I would have gone along with the Party anyway and never mentioned the sleep over. That would have spared her feelings. Especially if she has additional needs. It may have been an opportunity for your DD to learn a valuable lesson- that life isn't always about what she wants. But sometimes you just have to be the bigger and kinder person.

I can understand the upset and think you would be upset too if the situation was reversed.

frazzledasarock · 09/09/2022 08:24

OP’s DD went to the her cousins party.

cousin I’d the big party she wanted. OP’s dd did not want a party and didn’t have one. The cousin did not miss out on her own party.

and I don’t think it’s doing either girl any favours to persuade one child her feelings don’t matter and she needs to suck it up and put up with being in an uncomfortable situation because the other child’s feelings are more important.

the cousin wasn’t sitting sadly on her own on her birthday, she had a big party with family and lots of kids in attendance.

Randomcommentary · 09/09/2022 08:26

nosyma · 09/09/2022 07:41

Maybe this would be a time to teach your DD that sometimes we need to have compassion for others ??

Of course the poor girl is hurt. Her Party has been cut off and now she's not invited to a sleep over.

I would have gone along with the Party anyway and never mentioned the sleep over. That would have spared her feelings. Especially if she has additional needs. It may have been an opportunity for your DD to learn a valuable lesson- that life isn't always about what she wants. But sometimes you just have to be the bigger and kinder person.

I can understand the upset and think you would be upset too if the situation was reversed.

Compassion would be attending her cousins party as a guest even though she didn’t want to attend.

compassion is not blindly doing something you don’t want to do just to keep someone else happy at the expense of your own happiness.

At some point the two children would have to stop doing things together.

I had to take my younger sibling everywhere with me when I was that age. My friends stopped inviting me places because they didn’t want to hang out with a younger child who wasn’t their friend. Things like this can ruin childhood experiences for the ones being forced to include others.

FetchezLaVache · 09/09/2022 09:01

I've been your SIL in this situation. DS and cousin are now 12, DS adores his DCousin and they do get on very well, but my DN has been outgrowing him for a while now.

Every year we do trick or treating together and it's DS's very favourite thing. Last year, DN announced he would like to go with his friends from school rather than DS and it broke my heart. His mum asked if I would like her to make him go with DS as usual and I said of course not! My DN's wishes are NOT secondary to my DS's and I don't want him to resent him.

(In the end, DN and DS ended up going out early evening and then DN went out again with his friends and DS and I went out again with one of DS's friends and a good time was had by all!)

Arbesque · 09/09/2022 09:15

I feel sorry for everyone involved here. No one is 'wrong' and some of the comments about the sil are unkind.
I agree with suggestions that you do something separate with her cousin to mark the birthday. There's no harm in teaching your daughter to be kind and thoughtful.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 09/09/2022 09:21

Arbesque · 09/09/2022 09:15

I feel sorry for everyone involved here. No one is 'wrong' and some of the comments about the sil are unkind.
I agree with suggestions that you do something separate with her cousin to mark the birthday. There's no harm in teaching your daughter to be kind and thoughtful.

But they did do something to mark the cousins birthday.

If you are suggesting marking the OPs Daughters birthday then that is wrong. She has specifically asked not to be the centre of attention. She does not want that.

Why should the SIL and cousin not be kind and thoughtful and respect her wishes?

LongLivedQueen · 09/09/2022 10:07

nosyma · 09/09/2022 07:41

Maybe this would be a time to teach your DD that sometimes we need to have compassion for others ??

Of course the poor girl is hurt. Her Party has been cut off and now she's not invited to a sleep over.

I would have gone along with the Party anyway and never mentioned the sleep over. That would have spared her feelings. Especially if she has additional needs. It may have been an opportunity for your DD to learn a valuable lesson- that life isn't always about what she wants. But sometimes you just have to be the bigger and kinder person.

I can understand the upset and think you would be upset too if the situation was reversed.

She HAD a party. Life IS about what a 10 year old wants, when it comes to their own birthday, it is NOT about doing things for other people that you really don't want to do.

This is how you raise girls to be doormats. It's not kindness, its terrible parenting.

Arbesque · 09/09/2022 10:07

I meant take the 2 girls to McDonald's or something like that. She has special needs and is lonely and friendless. No harm in teaching your daughter to be kind in situations like that.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 09/09/2022 10:10

Arbesque · 09/09/2022 10:07

I meant take the 2 girls to McDonald's or something like that. She has special needs and is lonely and friendless. No harm in teaching your daughter to be kind in situations like that.

If the mother push this relationship to hard then the distance between them will become a chasm.

Cousin relationships are not that important to most people and if the SIL want the niece in her daughters life long term she needs to not make it so that OPs Daughter walks away all together.

Arbesque · 09/09/2022 10:24

I'm not suggesting she pushes the relationship. I am suggesting they fit in some time for this little girl who has special needs and struggles to make friends.

Johnnysgirl · 09/09/2022 10:25

Cousin relationships are not that important to most people and if the SIL want the niece in her daughters life long term she needs to not make it so that OPs Daughter walks away all together.
To most people?! Your personal experience hardly extends to most people.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 09/09/2022 10:25

Arbesque · 09/09/2022 10:24

I'm not suggesting she pushes the relationship. I am suggesting they fit in some time for this little girl who has special needs and struggles to make friends.

And she did. She went to the party. Any more is pushing.

mam0918 · 09/09/2022 10:26

nosyma · 09/09/2022 07:41

Maybe this would be a time to teach your DD that sometimes we need to have compassion for others ??

Of course the poor girl is hurt. Her Party has been cut off and now she's not invited to a sleep over.

I would have gone along with the Party anyway and never mentioned the sleep over. That would have spared her feelings. Especially if she has additional needs. It may have been an opportunity for your DD to learn a valuable lesson- that life isn't always about what she wants. But sometimes you just have to be the bigger and kinder person.

I can understand the upset and think you would be upset too if the situation was reversed.

THE COUSIN HAD HER PARTY

can no one read, the cousin missed on nothing EXCEPT OP DD friends who she wants to force to be her own friends.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 09/09/2022 10:28

Johnnysgirl · 09/09/2022 10:25

Cousin relationships are not that important to most people and if the SIL want the niece in her daughters life long term she needs to not make it so that OPs Daughter walks away all together.
To most people?! Your personal experience hardly extends to most people.

I am actually very close to my cousins. But most people I know would value their friends over their cousins.

And it doesn't matter how you view cousins either.
The daughter here has chosen her main friendships and that is all that matters.

waterrat · 09/09/2022 10:28

At the heart of this a mum is probably having sleepless nights about a 10 year old who has no friends. While I agree OP with how you handled it - would it have killed your daughter to have her 10 year old cousin there? I can see both sides but understand why you let your child choose - probably better to be realisticas they get older

As a mother of a child who struggles to make friends - it is agonising. I truly find it the most painful aspect of my life! I think about it all the time and worry constantly how to help her.

It makes me think 'wrong' sometimes - I am sure I panic and try to create fake situations out of worry/ love for my daughter just like this mum is. Have some heart for her.

LongLivedQueen · 09/09/2022 10:28

Arbesque · 09/09/2022 10:24

I'm not suggesting she pushes the relationship. I am suggesting they fit in some time for this little girl who has special needs and struggles to make friends.

If you had read the OP you would see that she offered playdates and was told she was a bully in return.

LongLivedQueen · 09/09/2022 10:29

waterrat · 09/09/2022 10:28

At the heart of this a mum is probably having sleepless nights about a 10 year old who has no friends. While I agree OP with how you handled it - would it have killed your daughter to have her 10 year old cousin there? I can see both sides but understand why you let your child choose - probably better to be realisticas they get older

As a mother of a child who struggles to make friends - it is agonising. I truly find it the most painful aspect of my life! I think about it all the time and worry constantly how to help her.

It makes me think 'wrong' sometimes - I am sure I panic and try to create fake situations out of worry/ love for my daughter just like this mum is. Have some heart for her.

She has, she tried to be nice to her. Worry about your own kid does not make it acceptable to call other parents bullies for not centring your child instead of her own.

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