For not making my daughter have a combination birthday or invite her cousin to her birthday sleepover?

[birthdayparties]

I have a daughter who is going to be turning 10. She has a cousin who is only a month older. For all their birthdays we have had a combined party for the two of them during a weekend between their birthdays. It’s always worked out well in the past because the girls were very close.

However this year my daughter said she does not want a combined party and would instead like to just have a sleepover with her core group of friends that she always has playdates with. This isn't unexpected as she’s getting older and she and her cousin have spent far less time together this year and have different interests now. My daughter also said she doesn’t like the attention that comes with having a big party.

I told my sister in law (niece’s mom) ahead of time that there would be a change of plans this year and we wouldn’t be doing to combined party. She at first tried to convince me to do it anyway because her daughter was really looking forward to it. She also said she was worried that other kids wouldn’t attend because her daughter has trouble making friends. Since I knew my daughter really didn’t want to do a combined party or a regular party at all I told my sister in law that it wasn’t happening, but my daughter would still be happy to attend her daughters party as a guest. That seemed to settle things.

We went to nieces party. Unfortunately my sister in law was right and no other kids came. However all the nieces and nephews in our family came so there were still a good amount of kids running around and niece didn’t seem upset. A few days later my sister in law did inform me that her daughter got very upset after everyone left.

Yesterday she messaged me to ask about my daughters upcoming party. I told her how my daughter will not be having a party and it’s just going to be her and her 2 best friends having a sleepover. My sister-in-law then practically begged me to let her daughter come because she was also looking forward to my daughter party (I never said she was having a party) and hanging out with her friends.

I did ask my daughter about what she thought about inviting her cousin to the sleepover and she was not a fan of the idea. She really just wants a small sleepover with her 2 best friends.

So I told my sister-in-law that it was already all planned with her friends and that maybe the girls could have a play date some other time or something to help her feel better. My sister-in-law then said that we’re the reason her daughter feels horrible because we changed how we always did things.

I replied by telling her that as the girls grew up things were bound to change and they were going to have different interests and friends. We should let them be individuals. My sister-in-law replied by accusing me and my daughter of purposely excluding her daughter and said that we were bullies.

I have not yet replied to that last message so that is where we are now.

I think you're right OP, but I also understand why your SIL is so upset. It's heartbreaking when your DD is left out.

Nonsense.

Have you seen half the posts on this forum, mostly from women in early middle age, who are distressed because they were raised from day one to be emotional support humans to other people and now have no idea how to enforce their own boundaries or look after their own emotional needs?

I think the OP is being an excellent parent to her daughter here.

By inserting her where she isnt wanted? Surely shed feel worse with that

She'll fell left out if the other two are school friends, it's only natural and that will feel worse if the child has autism.

Do her a separate sleepover

I'm autistic so am sympathetic to the niece. However her mum is doing her no favours my not helping her to adapt to life's changes. It was not going to be joint parties forever, was it.

Also, in my experience of small parties with one extra girl there who no-one much liked, that extra girl would be the one being shunned and avoided by the end of it and thus would be left miserable. I am alternately been that girl and been part of the ostracising mob, so am not judging. It seems to me that niece is better off not attending the sleepover though.

They are family but you can't force them to be friends.
They are growing up, spending less time together and it's only natural that your daughter wants to see the people important to her for her birthday.
You are right to have your daughters best interests at heart.
Forcing them to spend time together will only build resentment.

Well said!

This.

I think you dealt with it perfectly op. You were transparent and honest. If DD wants q small sleepover with 2 friends that's fine. She shouldn't be forced into a big party she doesn't want. You're not a bully.

You can't be serious with that response 😂 if you seriously believe what you have just written here...just ew.

Fucking hell. What a hideous post.

Of COURSE I am serious!

Are you quite alright? I was responding to someone who called a 10 year old selfish for not making her birthday all about someone else.

If you're not actually confused and you're on that side rather than mine....worse than "ew" .

@MargaretBall I'm sorry, but like I said there is nothing I can do about that.

Wow. All empathy for one random kid, no empathy and nasty words for another random kid.
And you actually think you're a kind and compassionate person. The mind boggles.

and blaming teen suicide on parents not inviting anyone who wants to go to a sleepover...shame on you. Digusting.

I am on the fence a little here. One of my children has a very large friend group, is always invited to bday parties, peoples houses etc, and the other also has autism and has no real friends.

As a mum is sooo heartbreaking, knowing they have no one to play with, never get any invitations and never have the opportunity to invite kids back to ours. He is also 10.

I dont think you are wrong OP, but I also think your SIL is reacting out of hurt and fear for her DD. It must be so hard for her to see her daughter so lonely, and knowing in the past that she at least had the joint party to look forward to must have helped a little.

Perhaps you could have a heart to heart with SIL and empathize with her about her DDs situation and try and come up with a compromise - the girls could do a joint activity around their bdays (day out/sleepover) and your DD could so a separate things with her own friends that doesnt get mentioned in front of her cousin?

@Randomcommentary she is my husbands sister. The conversation has just been us mums because we are usually the ones to set up play dates. I have talked my husband about this issue. He would absolutely be willing to talk to his sister about, but If he got involved it would likely escalate things because he just wants to tell her to F off.

Its true the biggest poster of 'OMG my door is open talk to me :( ' everytime a suicide is in the news person that I know is the BIGGEST bully I ever met and activelly mocks and bullies 'wierdo's' who 'wont just act normal' (aka people with mental health issues) but she completely cannot see her own hypocracy even when its pointed out.

Excellent post SheeWeee! Very well said and very true.

❤️💯 agreed

Can you have a family party for DD with all her cousins as well as the sleepover?

A) OPs daughter is intoverted (hates attention) and she doesnt want a party, why should she be anxious and uncomfortable by being forced to do something she clearly stated she is uncomfortable with for someone else.

B) the cousin ALREADY had a family party with all the cousins, nieces and nephews for her birthday. What the hell is a second exactly the same party going to do?

If your DD doesn't want to socialise with her cousin, these days, it can't be helped and SiL needs to get used to it.

If it's just that DD wants a different birthday from past ones, could she invite cousin n another occasion?

It wouldn't help cousin, having pretend friends who are actually DD's friends.

I know you can’t change it now but I think you should have done a joint party for them both, but just for family and relatives, and then just planned something separate for your daughter without mentioning it. Maybe an idea for next time. For now I’d just say that it’s your daughter’s decision to keep it to her and 2 others and you want to respect that.

"I think you should have made your kid have a party they really didn't want just to appease another kid and her mean mother".

Um, no?