For not making my daughter have a combination birthday or invite her cousin to her birthday sleepover?

[birthdayparties]

I have a daughter who is going to be turning 10. She has a cousin who is only a month older. For all their birthdays we have had a combined party for the two of them during a weekend between their birthdays. It’s always worked out well in the past because the girls were very close.

However this year my daughter said she does not want a combined party and would instead like to just have a sleepover with her core group of friends that she always has playdates with. This isn't unexpected as she’s getting older and she and her cousin have spent far less time together this year and have different interests now. My daughter also said she doesn’t like the attention that comes with having a big party.

I told my sister in law (niece’s mom) ahead of time that there would be a change of plans this year and we wouldn’t be doing to combined party. She at first tried to convince me to do it anyway because her daughter was really looking forward to it. She also said she was worried that other kids wouldn’t attend because her daughter has trouble making friends. Since I knew my daughter really didn’t want to do a combined party or a regular party at all I told my sister in law that it wasn’t happening, but my daughter would still be happy to attend her daughters party as a guest. That seemed to settle things.

We went to nieces party. Unfortunately my sister in law was right and no other kids came. However all the nieces and nephews in our family came so there were still a good amount of kids running around and niece didn’t seem upset. A few days later my sister in law did inform me that her daughter got very upset after everyone left.

Yesterday she messaged me to ask about my daughters upcoming party. I told her how my daughter will not be having a party and it’s just going to be her and her 2 best friends having a sleepover. My sister-in-law then practically begged me to let her daughter come because she was also looking forward to my daughter party (I never said she was having a party) and hanging out with her friends.

I did ask my daughter about what she thought about inviting her cousin to the sleepover and she was not a fan of the idea. She really just wants a small sleepover with her 2 best friends.

So I told my sister-in-law that it was already all planned with her friends and that maybe the girls could have a play date some other time or something to help her feel better. My sister-in-law then said that we’re the reason her daughter feels horrible because we changed how we always did things.

I replied by telling her that as the girls grew up things were bound to change and they were going to have different interests and friends. We should let them be individuals. My sister-in-law replied by accusing me and my daughter of purposely excluding her daughter and said that we were bullies.

I have not yet replied to that last message so that is where we are now.

Invite neice for a sleep over another night.

Yanbu to prioritise your daughter. She deserves you to have her back and let her do what she wants for her birthday.

That said, I can understand why your SIL is so upset. It’s got to be absolutely heartbreaking to see your child upset that no one came to her birthday party. This is a hard time of year for arranging parties with school friends even for popular children.

Well if SIL is behaving like that, it makes it easier to not bother with joint party going forward.

Oh just invite her, why is everyone so selfish today.

Do you really want to cause a rift with ppl. Invite her she will be over the moon.

So much selfishness around.

She deserves you to have her back and let her do what she wants for her birthday.
Bloody hell! "Have her back" doesn't belong in the same sentence as "let her do what she wants for her birthday".
The drama... 🤦‍♀️

Is the sleepover on her actual birthday? If not can you do family tea/meal on birthday?

Why does OP’s daughter not matter?

Why would it hurt her to invite cousin!
If this causes a rift she won't see them again.
I have a cousin my age haven't seen her for years due to a falling out between parents.
Don't know where she is today and miss having a cousin.

@SalmonEile yes they go to the same school.

Because she wants time with her closest friends. She’s allowed to have opinions and to pick her own party celebration.

If SIL decides to turn this into a lasting rift that’s up to her and neither OP nor her DD’s fault.

Bit of a drip feed that cousin has autism - not saying you should have held joint party etc but significant when trying to understand
why both the child and mother is finding the adjustment difficult

Sounds like sil is just lashing out from hurt and I can see why tbh. Okay fair enough no joint party. But to actively exclude cousin from your daughters sleepover when you know full well she's just had a massive knock of confidence and been upset on her birthday is very mean. Families are supposed to look out for each other and build each other up. I personally would have encouraged my daughter to have a bit of compassion for her relative and put herself in her shoes.

@MargaretBall I wrote my originally post quite quickly and in the moment. I didn't really until someone questioned why she had issues with friend that I forgot to add that. I really wish you could edit posts to included forgotten stuff.

She doesnt want her at an intimate gathering, its HER birthday and HER bedroom fgs... you dont get to bulldoze that.

The CF are the only one that lose out by cutting OP DD off and it would be no hardship on OPs daughter who wants to move away from being forced to do things anyway.

YANBU but I understand SIL too and I have been that mum. When your DC has issues making friends (autism here too) you're so relieved just to have the one or two reliables to keep things relatively normal for them. As the DC get older, these reliable friends often distance themselves due to their growing differences, and there's often an awkward period of time until DC re-establishes themselves with friends who are more on their own wavelength. It sounds as though your DD is starting that process and that will be difficult and upsetting for niece and your SIL, but it's not down to your DD or you to fix that. Kindness and understanding will help as you re-establish your new boundaries.

Your approach sounds sensible. It’s not like your dd is having a massive party and leaving her cousin out. Having another girl who is not a close friend would change the dynamic of a sleepover and the birthday girl deserves to enjoy the occasion.

What’s the relationship? Is SIL your husband’s sister, your husband’s brother’s wife or your brother’s wife?

Whichever it is, get the man/men involved…how has this become just the mum’s issue?

I'd offer a separate sleepover, the day/week after the birthday one for just the dn.

Tbh, I'd have thought she'd have preferred a more intimate do, my dd hated groups as they all talk too quickly and she couldn't keep up (autism also)

Yes but it’s rather important and might have avoided many of the following posts suggesting the child is a bully and that there are CF , when in fact it is a child with a disability who is socially excluded and her mother is upset by it. Your child should absolutely have her own party -unfortunately this is often what happens as children with different abilities grow older. I would recommend a bit of sensitivity however , your post shows no awareness as to why they are distressed and think it’s unfortunate that you overlooked this essential piece of information

It’s one extra person. Think about what you are teaching your children about kindness.

Yeah but one extra person at a big party is totally different from one extra person at a sleepover with 2 friends.

Really difficult OP. Ultimately I think you are right, but I also feel really sorry for the cousin and her mum. The mum was out of line calling you a bully but she's probably lashing out. I think a separate treat for your DD + cousin is the way to go - either a sleepover or something else that would both enjoy eg cinema trip etc.

your post shows no awareness as to why they are distressed

This is what stuck out to me. It is totally reasonable for the OP's daughter to have the birthday she chooses, but very sad for the niece and her mother.