For not making my daughter have a combination birthday or invite her cousin to her birthday sleepover?

[birthdayparties]

I have a daughter who is going to be turning 10. She has a cousin who is only a month older. For all their birthdays we have had a combined party for the two of them during a weekend between their birthdays. It’s always worked out well in the past because the girls were very close.

However this year my daughter said she does not want a combined party and would instead like to just have a sleepover with her core group of friends that she always has playdates with. This isn't unexpected as she’s getting older and she and her cousin have spent far less time together this year and have different interests now. My daughter also said she doesn’t like the attention that comes with having a big party.

I told my sister in law (niece’s mom) ahead of time that there would be a change of plans this year and we wouldn’t be doing to combined party. She at first tried to convince me to do it anyway because her daughter was really looking forward to it. She also said she was worried that other kids wouldn’t attend because her daughter has trouble making friends. Since I knew my daughter really didn’t want to do a combined party or a regular party at all I told my sister in law that it wasn’t happening, but my daughter would still be happy to attend her daughters party as a guest. That seemed to settle things.

We went to nieces party. Unfortunately my sister in law was right and no other kids came. However all the nieces and nephews in our family came so there were still a good amount of kids running around and niece didn’t seem upset. A few days later my sister in law did inform me that her daughter got very upset after everyone left.

Yesterday she messaged me to ask about my daughters upcoming party. I told her how my daughter will not be having a party and it’s just going to be her and her 2 best friends having a sleepover. My sister-in-law then practically begged me to let her daughter come because she was also looking forward to my daughter party (I never said she was having a party) and hanging out with her friends.

I did ask my daughter about what she thought about inviting her cousin to the sleepover and she was not a fan of the idea. She really just wants a small sleepover with her 2 best friends.

So I told my sister-in-law that it was already all planned with her friends and that maybe the girls could have a play date some other time or something to help her feel better. My sister-in-law then said that we’re the reason her daughter feels horrible because we changed how we always did things.

I replied by telling her that as the girls grew up things were bound to change and they were going to have different interests and friends. We should let them be individuals. My sister-in-law replied by accusing me and my daughter of purposely excluding her daughter and said that we were bullies.

I have not yet replied to that last message so that is where we are now.

I totally get why your sil is upset about her daughters lack of friends.

I have a 10yr old autistic child & he’s absolutely lost at the moment. It’s heartbreaking & so bloody hard. I’m literally at a loss for what to do to help him & I worry about him every day.

That being said, none of this is your fault & your dd’s wants for her birthday shouldn’t be pushed aside for what Dniece wants. I’d stick to her plans & say sorry not this time. DD has already arranged with x&y. If you’re feeling charitable would Dniece want to come for a sleepover/special dinner out next week instead?

I do feel for your SIL & would give her the benefit of the doubt. Unless she doubles down

Op was crystal clear about the plan.

You can ask MN to edit your title to include this pertinent point that the child in question is disable - while I don’t agree that your daughter should have had a joint party - in fact if you had asked for advice I would have agreed that your DD should have her own event- but really you would have been asking for advice on how deal with the unfortunate fallout rather looking for validation - seriously your DH is thinking of telling his distressed sister to F off ? Your post lacks empathy and has set up this thread for lots of nasty comments

And apologies for the bad typing !

But why should the OPs daughter hve her wants and needs ignored to make someone else happy at her expense? She hasn't bullied the other child she just wants to do her own thing which is part of growing up, she's her own person and allowed to have her own wants and needs.

Does your daughter really want a relationship with her cousin or have they drifted?

It must be heartbreaking to see your child suffer over something you can't fix. But you are right not forcing your daughter in to this situation.

Why should she put this child's needs and wants before her own child's? The girl has a right to have who she wants at her own birthday.

Is this your husband's sister OP? I would get your husband to speak to her. Why should you take all the flack?

The niece had her own birthday party with several children including OPs daughter there just for her (it just no classmates showed up, it was still a child filled decent sized party)... now she also wants to crash her cousins party so she can have a second 'non family' party with OP DD friends who are not her friends.

What on earth are you (or anyone else) on about.'poor niece'?

She has HAD her birthday but wants OP DD friends... you cant force these kids to be friends with a bloody stranger and the fact anyone thinks you can is deranged and shows a complete lack of basic respect and boundries.

Autism may mean she struggles with her peers but it doesnt entitle her to run rough shot over everyone else, disabled people (I myself am one BTW) do not need this kind of pathetic pity and a lack of rules, it does us a disservice and is just another way of 'othering' us.

No it doesn't. Her post has plenty of empathy and sympathy for the niece. But at the end of the day her daughter matters more to her. So SIL and niece are going to have to find a new normal for birthdays

I would tell my sister to F off if she tried to cause drama with my partner and daughter over something like this. The fact OP is holding off with him again proves how nice she is being

@Johnnysgirl one doesn't make things better for their child by engineering social events involving other people who don't want to be involved and then getting arsey and calling them bullies.

So you would teach dd that her choices don't matter. She must do what others want or else she is being selfish. Even on her birthday. And you wonder why women become such doormats

Sure , OP’s DD is absolutely entitled to her own event . OP is not unreasonable to hold a separate event but is unreasonable in her lack of empathy and the approach taken in her OP.

The OP has shown no understanding as to why SIL and child are upset, but instead set out the case that the child and her mother are unreasonable, didn’t even think it was important enough to mention in the OP that the child in question is disabled , and has not asked for advice for how to deal with it sensitively. The opening post is looking for validation and I think it should be about looking for advice on how to sort this out .

You've done that right thing. It's your dc's and they should have a say in who comes.

The mother is unreasonable for not accepting the OP and her daughters No. No means no in every respect.

The autism really does not matter at all. Because there is no scenario which makes the OPs daughter wrong. She doesn't want to go end of. The SIL needs to accept that and formulate her next step with her daughter.

The OP doesn't need to be involved in that at all.

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim When they're together they do get along. My daughter said she had a fun time at her birthday party. However she is less inclined to spend as much time with her cousin as before. Not to sound harsh, but her cousin can be tiring to be around.

Yeah, you're not wrong. It's sad for the kid, though.

@MargaretBall I didn't know you could do that. Where do you go on the app to do that? It's sort of hard to navigate and I can't find a help section.

Maybe you are just reading this with the wrong tone. I feel like you do something with written text compared to talking in person.

I do understand how SIL feels (my DD has autism) but I'm afraid she's being very unfair to both you and your DD. DN's difficulties with friendships are neither your (you or DD) fault nor your responsibility and it's SIL's job to manage DN's disappointment, guilt tripping you is her avoiding that responsibility.

I think I would just reply 'it's nothing even resembling bullying SIL, it's entirely natural that the girls will develop different interests and social lives as they grow up and all we can do is help them negotiate that so that's what I'm trying to do, maybe you should do the same.' It may seem harsh but the sooner she realises her focus should be on helping her DD develop social skills and other friendships the better for your DN, relying too heavily on family for social interaction will do her no favours.

I'd have thought family bonds more important than friends your daughter will likely not even know in a few years. I'd have found a way to preserve the family bonds. You've made it clear now.

I posted earlier, I have autism.

I really don't think it's helpful to falsely engineer situations to benefit the cousin if they're against the wishes of the other kids involved.

Cousin had a party already. Lots of family members and children attended.

OPs DD doesn't want her own party. She shouldn't be forced to have one.

At 10 it's past the point of forcing them into joint parties, or to make DD invite her cousin to things against her will. That's only going to make DD resentful and feel as though she can't do anything of her own. It's also likely to make her feel less inclined to even tell her cousin going forward what's she's doing for her birthday if she's going to be coerced into scenarios she doesn't want.

10 is too old for this. They're no longer 4 year olds you can put together to play. The DD is old enough to make choices of her own.

Forcing kids to do things they don't want to is not the way to deal with this.

This is nonsense. As an adult I don't have relationships with several family members. You don't necessarily have any affinity with someone just because you're related by blood/marriage.

I have far closer and stronger friendships with friends than I do with my family.

A lot of people do, but it's not nonsense.

Neither OP nor her DD are ‘breaking family ties’!

the girls are growing older and moving in different directions. The cousin wanted a big party and she got her wishes. With OP’s DD in attendance as a guest.

OP’s DD doesn’t want a party or a big deal and is having a sleepover with two friends.

that’s not being mean, that’s both girls doing what they want for their birthdays. OP’s DD isn’t excluding her cousin she would be if she was inviting lots of children for a sleepover except her cousin. But she’s not.

SIL is going off the deep end, but this is most likely from her anxiety over her concerns for her DD.

let her calm down then send a text suggested by PP saying that it’s girls are growing up and nobody is being horrible she needs to concentrate on helping her child etc.

Yes Im not friends with any of my cousins, we have NOTHING in common and its not that I hate them we just aren't friends.

I also have completely cut off family members (like my deadbeat dad who abandoned me) so there zero garantee that someone will be in your life due to 'blood'.

I however DO still have 2 of my 3 best friends from my teen years, they have been my best friends for over half my life and Im about to be MOH for one of them.