Declining to go to my best friends wedding

[Newmumma88]

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

100% this. ^

Daft comment. No-one is saying that, but the attitude from the bride to be and her ghastly sister shows that the friendship between the OP and the bride to be (her friend) has passed its sell by date. Not ALL friendships last forever you know... Indeed most do not.

Also, even though I am on the OP's side, I do agree with a few posters that maybe SHE is not as much into her friend as she thinks, as she would try everything possible to go to the wedding, but she doesn't seem to want to go. And that's fine. It's her right.

The friendship is definitely dead though, but it's silly to say they are mortal enemies. The friendship has just run its course.

And there you have it. The OP has no real reason to be obsessed with her friend's wedding like her friend is. She is more interested in her own baby. (And that's understandable, and fine.) The bride and her ghastly sister clearly don't get this. As I said, the friendship is dead now.

I'd write the friendship off. If she's done nothing to reign in the melodramatic sister then she's actively encouraging it.

yes, you may have been too cautious when pregnant, but if youre not comfortablewith the effort (and its a lot) then she needs to respect that. I'd decline my attendance wish her well in life and then completely disappear from her life.

I’ve got an 11 week old born 3 weeks early via emergency c section, so I’m right where you are age wise.

I feel good and up for attending any invite I was given from probably week 4+ , for my best friend I’d still be MoH probably, but definitely wild horses wouldn’t stop me attending her wedding. I’d be as gutted as her if I couldn’t attend for some reason, and this is the part I’m not senses in the original post, you don’t seem all that bothered about missing it, thus I’m not sure this is a best friendship. If it is then there’s clearly miscommunication /understanding about what a best friendship looks like.

I would be crushed if my best friend declined my wedding off the bat - using my pregnancy as an excuse does seem a bit precious (as a pp put it) I’d have said I’ll do anything I can to attend. Let’s hope that’s how it stays.

your inability to attend (imo) would come from circumstances out of your control, not from putting blockades in the way. id be saying I’ll find a way to make the travel work, I’ll stay somewhere alternative. I think the bottom line is I would find a way, put my best friend and I would expect probably the same if the tables were turned.

Honestly, I think it really does sound like you didn’t want to go at all, and from the best friends perspective I can see how that would hurt.

Yes her sister reacted badly, and could have spoken to you to find a solution, but I suspect in those conversations you probably didn’t even sound like you were willing to even try.

If this is a true friendship and you don’t want to lose it, I would in my opinion, hold my hands up and say that you have probably overreacted, and will be coming to the wedding. I suspect though if you decide not to go then it will do damage to the friendship in the long run. Maybe if there is a day when you would like your friend to reciprocate For an event or occasion may be inconvenient for her for you then you should expect she will just decline.

I would have personally gone to the wedding with the baby.

You deciding not to go though is a blessing in disguise. You have seen this person's true colours. She isn't your friend. Friends respect your decisions. I wouldn't talk to her again.

They sound seriously unhinged. Back away from these people while you still have a chance. These people are not your friends.
Send one final message to the person getting married and say 'a lot has happened in this last year. I have had a baby, you are starting life as a Mrs, and I wish you all the best. I won't be at the wedding, because like you have said yourself, I have been harassed into feeling guilty. I have nothing to feel guilty about. I am putting myself first, that is all. I hope you have the most amazing day.' then block them. No reason why the sister needed to jump in, block her too on all platforms.

The first reply to the post has ended the thread

This is the only option

Sorry, I totally misunderstood your post! Apologies.

I think you were a bit foolish to decline so early on.

However, their behaviour is unacceptable, and Im betting this isnt the first time they have acted like this.

Cut ties, move on.

I think you step back at let her get on with her wedding. I bet after the stress and excitement has all died down she will be in touch eventually.
As for your baby - never heard of restricting travel times in a car seat (I took mine to Spain at six weeks), but you should only do what you feel comfortable doing. And block her sister back you don't need to be bullied.

Their behaviour is awful, so I wouldn't go on that basis but I really don't understand why you couldn't go with a 3 month old. Seems a bit precious and melodramatic to me.

Well good for you! Maybe you do not realise that not everyone is the same and some people really struggle with the postpartum period and first few months, especially if their newborn is difficult eg due to reflux. Some people are up and about quickly getting on with life, for others it takes a lot longer. You can't compare everyone's situation to your own personal experience.

Maybe your friend and her rabid attack dog of a sister should realise that the world doesnt come to s standstill just because someone is getting married....to quote their own crass words back at them....

There's no way I'd want my 4-month old restrained in a car seat for 5-8 hours.
When my twins were small, they always slumped their heads forward when in the car seat. I was afraid they weren't breathing properly/getting enough oxygen.
I'd never choose to go on a long journey with small babies.
Even now that my twins are 2.5, I still choose not to make long journeys with them in the car.

For the wedding, could you fly up the day of, and back that night/next morning?

Wait, you decided when you were three months pregnant that you wouldn’t go to your best friends wedding with a 3 month old?? You have a very strange view on friendships

My birth was quite traumatic, but I managed to take my baby to a friend's wedding at 2 weeks old. When they're small they're like an oversized handbag. They just sleep and eat. I sat near the door in case she cried during the ceremony and it was fine. I guess everyone's different though.

I thought you were going to say baby is only 3weeks old... OK fair enough not going... but 3months. Sorry you just can't be arsed. Babies are so easy to take anywhere at that age... even in a car with regular stops.
You're using your baby to make excuses for the fact that you don't want to go.
Perhaps you don't like that the attention will be on your friend and not you.

Op, imo they have treated you terribly. Not everyone finds a new baby easy, some babies don't sleep well and can't just be carted around in slings and on long drives! I know dc1 couldn't and would have screamed the whole time, not to mention my mental health was shot and i was like a zombie! Obviously not everybody has this experience and some people are lucky enough to have easy births, easy babies that just sleep all.of the time; I think this ideal is what your 'friends' are ignorantly clinging too.
And not to mention when you're recovering yourself, sleep deprived and having to deal with being a FTM and a complete lifestyle change.

It does sound like your so called friends have a cliche in their head of what a baby is like. I think they are in for a shock if have their own and they aren't a textbook baby.

I think in your situation I would block them and concentrate on your own health and your baby. You don't have time for it. A good best friend should understand instead of being a bridzilla. I'm sure you let her know you were gutted about mot being able to attend, sent here gift etc. I understand she is natural for her to be disappointed but being childish about it and the way they treated you is disgusting. Where is their support for you when you have just had a baby? It works both ways. It is also a precursor into how they could potentially act in the future. They want to go out and you can't get childcare etc. I would have no time for people like that.

💐

Can’t see a good reason why you can’t go, what’s wrong with having couple of breaks while travelling? is two hours not two days . Friendship goes both ways, you may be feeling let down but you’re ,in turn , let her down as well. You gave birth not flew to the moon and back

her*

Sorry about typos, 2 year old using me as a climbing frame!

3 months is probably a fairly good point to travel. Still young enough to be mainly sleeping and feeding, no weaning to worry about or baby proofing wherever you are.

I was going to suggest to go on your own. I've been to a couple of weddings like that at around 12 weeks old. It was a nice night off.

I don't know why there's a drama about you going on your own, particularly if it's a 5 hour journey, they'r bonkers

@Proudofeveryone

The OP says her DD was born 3 weeks early (37 weeks) which is not premature as 37-42 weeks is ‘full term’. Both my children were born bang on 37 weeks and that in itself doesn’t pose any risks or underdevelopment.

Having an actually premature baby is a unique challenge so I’m cautious of this being thrown around too easily. Had her DD actually been premature then perhaps this would have been more understandable: