Declining to go to my best friends wedding

[Newmumma88]

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

You are not bring unreasonable. You've a new baby and you're recovering from a traumatic birth. No need for you to go.

If you really wanted to go though ( and TBH only after getting a phone call apology from the bride to be) you and your partner could make a night of it yourselves and stay in a nearby hotel. Partner could mind baby for the ceremony and reception and you could spend time with them in between. You could leave as soon as the meal is over and enjoy the rest of the evening with your family.

The bride to be AND her sister sound awful tbh. Say you're not going and block them both. Fuck that, I couldn't be arsed with this. I have put up with too much shit from people like this in the past. These 2 fuckers would be blocked now for sure. Ignore the naysayers on here, you do NOT have to go to this bloody wedding @Newmumma88

Until she's given birth, she can shut up about what you can and can't do.

Some women breeze through it. Others have life-long injuries.

All these people on MN saying "of course you can take a baby to a wedding" just assumes you've been one of those earth mother's who squatted for all of 10 seconds and out popped a beautiful sproglett that sleeps 12 hours from one day old.

No. I say no.

You look after yourself and your baby. Once she's given birth she'll understand unless she's one of life's breezers.

Eye roll. There's always someone powering through trying to make it look easy while you're crying quietly in the corner, in pain, suffering.

I think her sister is being unreasonable, but I'm with other posters, I don't see why you wouldn't go. She's your best friend? I wouldn't miss that for the world if it was me. 3 months post-baby? I don't get what the big deal is at all.

Newborn babies are as portable as kids get, the easiest time to travel and go to events. I went to a big 40th birthday party 3 weeks after having an emergency c-section and loved every minute (despite knowing when I got home I'd be up every sodding hour).

You made that decision to not go before the baby was even here which seems totally crazy to me. But hey, it's your life and you're not unreasonable to live it however you want to.

And if she lives 5 hours away, I'm afraid you're not going to see much of her now anyway.

Ditch the witch!

It doesn't seem like you really are best friends. You're not really making an effort and rejected her immediately upon hearing about the wedding. She and sister are being completely unreasonable with their reaction.
It's one thing to talk amongst each other but taking it out on you is unacceptable.

Sounds like the friendship has fizzled out.

Op doesn't feel its something SHE can do, that's reason enough. New Mom's feel differently. Maybe you were OK leaving your 3 mo or travelling 8 hours each way with them. Awesome. Op doesn't. End of.

OP if this is your best friend, you need new ones and better standards.

Talk about tone-deaf! Good grief! The ONLY bit of your post that is sensible is the last few words...........

.......it's your life and you're not unreasonable to live it however you want to.

She sounds horrible. I know she’s your best mate but if she’d cared so much she could choose to get married a bit later. Or the more normal thing, accept that you won’t be there and that the day is about her and her spouse anyway. It’s not a celebration of your friendship or of her entire life.

You may not actually know how they actually feel about it. I have stayed friends with people who have been incredibly flaky over the years because I tend to avoid conflict. Doesn't mean that I don't evaluate the friendship very differently now from how I did... they just don't realise it.

Of course, casual friends not being arsed to go to a wedding because they have a baby is fine. Or a close friend with a tiny newborn, or a child with significant additional needs etc. All fine. But a close friend not bothering with a major life event simply because they have a baby? Of course you would realise that they were flaky and you would reevaluate accordingly.

Unless, of course, they had always been really flaky, and then the flakiness would just be "priced in".

I had a friend who was MOH who was 8 weeks post birth and brought baby, but she brought her whole family, her mum, dad and sister and we paid for their hotel rooms for the night. We invited them all. We rallied around her because we knew it was going to be hard for her. She was leaking milk horribly and nearly flooded through her dress but just made it through the ceremony.

And she WANTED to do it because she felt SUPPORTED by me.

And if she'd not have wanted to do it, I'd have said no problem. I'd never FORCE someone to be somewhere they don't feel comfortable. What sort of friend usurps your needs for her own?

yandu, everyone handles child birth differently, and there is no way I could’ve gone to a wedding when my eldest was that age. Your friend should have more empathy for you

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps Not tone deaf at all, that's your opinion.

My opinion is that the OP is being a bit overly precious and if this is indeed her best friend, she's being unreasonable and has been unreasonable from the start! I get she's had a traumatic birth but she didn't KNOW that was going to happen when she declined from the start because of maybe getting into a routine. That's barmy.

But like I say, it's her prerogative if she wants to be unreasonable.

You just know that when she does have a baby, suddenly the whole world will revolve around babies and nothing else. Her babies nap schedule will rule every one of her days out with friends, even to the detriment of other people’s babies, whose naps clearly are not as special as those of her pfb.

Yep, declining so early and potentially unnecessarily gave the impression that you didn't want to go. Accepting with enthusiasm but reminding her that it would only be feasible if all goes well, would have been better.

Your OP reads almost as if you were annooyed that her friend stole your thunder by announcing her engagement two days after your pregnancy announcement. Were you trying to get back control and the focus on you, by declining?

But yes, the sister's behaviour was appalling, and neither of them have covered themselves in glory either.

Wow a lot of people piling on here. Weddings just aren’t that important guys, grow up. Half of them end in divorce anyway, and if OP doesn’t feel up to going she shouldn’t go. It’s much more important she heals and that she’s with her baby if that’s what she wants to do.

Her friend is a knob, the sister is a knob, and everyone on here saying ‘well I travelled twice around the world with a one week old and I’m fine’ (obvs exaggerating for effect before you pile on) is a knob.

Don't be browbeaten into doing something you're not comfortable with. If she is snippy about your decision, she's not really the friend you thought she was.

Would going by train be an option? Perhap surprisingly, it can be an easier way to travel with a little one, as you can take their pram and feed them en route.

I'm sorry she's been like this. We were invited to a wedding two weeks after due-date - not only was the bride fine about me declining and the possibility of DH pulling out last minute if DD was late, but when DD was prem, she contacted us 2/3 weeks before the wedding to ask we wanted to change our minds and all three go!

I know she’s your best mate but if she’d cared so much she could choose to get married a bit later.

You've got to be joking @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Seriously, you expect a wedding date to revolve around a friend's pregnancy?

This

She didn't decline.
Her friend said I expect you to fit into a sress as MOH (AKA do not be fat at my wedding) and op said she didn't know IF she'd make it 5 hours away so something like 8 hours+ drive away.

OMG seriously, you cannot go to your best friends wedding 3 months after giving birth? To me it sounds like you are not being a good friend. That is a lame excuse. Yes, I get it is difficult to travel with babies, but at 3 months its not impossible. We flew with our first born when she was 3 months....and again we flew 8 hours with two young kids in tow when I had a second child.....so the first was 23 months and the second one was 3 months! Was it easy? No. Travelling with kids is never easy....but we did it. Is there some other reason why you can not go? Like perhaps social anxiety or some other mental issue? Travel phobia? If yes, then be honest with her. But saying you cant travel because your baby is 3 months is not a good excuse and not a true friend.

Ah test another example of Mumsnet view on “best friends”

In RL “mortal enemies”

for your best friend, I’d try and make the effort. You said you have baby’s dad so you can share the drive and looking after during the wedding. It’s a big day for her and I’m sure she will be very grateful if you attend.
it seemed an over reaction to decline when you were pregnant, would have been better to say you would like to attend but will have to see once baby arrives.

Why they - or anyone - thinks a wedding is more significant than childbirth and new parenthood, I do not know. Did she drive 5 hours to celebrate the arrival of your baby?

A wedding is the most important thing in the Bride's life at the moment. A baby being born, even if a friend's baby, does not come close to the importance of that wedding to the people involved in it and it is ridiculous for new parents to assume that anyone outside their own family cares as much about their baby as they do.

No @saraclara

not You've got to be joking GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Seriously, you expect a wedding date to revolve around a friend's pregnancy?

I’m not suggesting it should - I’m saying she should just go ahead without the OP, understanding her circumstances. OP is happy just to decline. However if she’s so bothered she absolutely has to have OP there, she could have planned for a later (or earlier) date in the first place. I think that was obvious from my first post.

You can’t demand someone has to be somewhere unless you’re happy to work around them a bit.