Declining to go to my best friends wedding

[Newmumma88]

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

YANBU. You’re under no obligation whatsoever to attend anyones wedding. Once you declined they were out of order to harass you

If my best friend declined to come to my wedding in the circumstances you describe, I would assume she is either having a hard time with the baby and recovery, suffering with some PPD/PPA/etc, or both. I certainly wouldn't take it as a personal slight and set my weirdo sister on her.

There behavior is awful.

But ill be honest i cannot stand it when people have a baby and they cant seem to function.
Its meant to be your best friends wedding, and whilst its clear through her behavior she doesn't regard you as a best friend its also clear through your decisions that you dont value it either.

*Their

"Sorry you just can't be arsed. Babies are so easy to take anywhere at that age... even in a car with regular stops."

Correction your baby was easy. I know mine certainly wasn't! He was a high needs reflux baby and would scream where ever we went! It was a nightmare and military operation getting anywhere, took months to get his reflux sorted out, he didnt sleep and fussed and cried! Just because some people are comfortable taking young babies everywhere doesn't mean everybody has to be. Op isn't doing it on purpose and traumatic births and recovery should not be minimised or have a time limit. Everybody's experience is valid.

New mums can have the polar opposite of experiences. No doubt some mums will wonder why on earth you can't go. I wouldn't have been able to at all, with my screamy colicky reflux baby who hated the car. She'd have ruined the wedding and I'd have been a basket base to boot! It's very very hard for people without kids, or people who have 'easy babies' to understand.

I had a friend not come to my wedding because she felt her new baby was too small. No big deal to me.
Some babies sleep and feed well and take all their naps while others are the complete opposite. Some babies are colicky or have very bad reflux then sleep deprived parenting all added together means going anywhere with baby is super stressful. Some babies that size are an absolute nightmare in the car as they want to be held all the time.
I just couldn’t pass judgment on people turning down invitations when they have a smaller baby. In OP’s position I would hate to miss a wedding of a very close friend but sometimes we miss the important events of special people in our lives no matter how hard we try to make it otherwise.
Friendship is dead OP. One day your friend might be in a similar position to you and see things differently but it will be too late for the friendship.

@Lunabun

"If my best friend declined to come to my wedding in the circumstances you describe, I would assume she is either having a hard time with the baby and recovery, suffering with some PPD/PPA/etc, or both. I certainly wouldn't take it as a personal slight and set my weirdo sister on her."

Exactly this! ^

As others have said travelling to a wedding with a young baby is not actually that difficult, as long as mum and baby are both healthy. We took our dc to Scotland when DS was just about 9 weeks old. I had a tricky ecs with him and suffered a haemorrhage, but I actually drove down all the way home because DH wasn't feeling well. Baby was absolutely fine in the car and we only had to stop twice on the way.

You might feel completely differently being a nervous first time mum, and that's fine. If you don't want to travel with your baby you don't have to. It's perfectly acceptable not decline a wedding invitation for any reason, but if you have more children you'll realise that having one baby is when things are really easy and doable!

Everyone is U!

You should have said no firmly and stuck to your guns from the outset. You’ve allowed them to believe you were ripe for persuading when genuinely you weren’t.

Many on here, including me, will suggest that doing the trip is entirely possible and not really the drama you’re making out. But, only you know where you, your baby and your DH are at at this stage. I took my 10wk old to a wedding and it was grand. I took my 10 mth old to a wedding and it was a nightmare. You should have been more assertive and cut them off much sooner.

The Bride and her sister are bang out of order and have no class. But you’ve clearly indicated your boundaries are wide open and let them in. What a mess.

DO NOT GO.
No way would I leave my baby for that long, not even if she hadn't been a ball bag about it.

I think you're being a bit precious OP, you declined it from the start. Fine to decline MoH duties but not as a guest for your best friend.

If then you had the baby and had a whole host of after birth issues then fair enough, although I still think you should have made the effort.

I don't think the sisters behaviour is great at all and wouldn't now go because of that. But yeah you have let your best friend down by being precious and this rift probably won't heal.

Not necessarily the case. All babies are different. In my case, the newborn stage was grueling and things became so much easier when DC started sleeping through at a year old.

The first three to four months when recovering from an EMCS, establishing breastfeeding, doing battle with mastitis and nearly on my knees from lack of sleep, were the hardest I've ever experienced as a parent. Travelling anywhere with all the equipment, etc - even aside from not needing bottles and formula - completely filled the car, required practically the precision of a military operation.

It's really not so simple as 'Have baby, will travel'. And complete with dark undereye bags, disheveled hair, milk stains all over my top, baby clamped to me for hours at a stretch and completely cuckoo from lack of sleep, I'd have been nowhere near any wedding at 3 months.

The sense of obligation surrounding these events is simply crackers these days, as for the presumption attached to guests' attendance/non-attendance. No wonder threads are constantly being posted here of people afraid to say 'no'.

It's just a wedding. Weddings are not that important to anyone other than the couple concerned, any more than babies are to those other than their parents. But as a mother, the needs of the baby (not least herself) come first.

I don’t get why you can’t go, sorry

I absolutely love a wedding, but I'm a little shocked at the responses saying you're being precious. Surely we're all aware that every baby is different and mental health can be rocky in those early weeks?

Thinking back to the newborn stage with my baby, I'm fairly sure that at 11 weeks we were triple feeding every two hours, sometimes three if we got lucky, still struggling with severely damaged nipples (not just a bit cracked - I'm talking damage that for one of my nipples has proved to be permanent), and I was so sleep deprived it wasn't even slightly funny. We were doing formula top ups for some feeds too and I had been made to feel so guilty about this, so I spent a lot of my days crying.

I don't reckon I'd have gone to anyone's wedding even if they paid me. If I had an easier baby and an easier feeding journey then yeah probably.

It doesn't matter if people think OP's reasons for not going are not good enough, she doesn't deserve to be spoken to like shit by the bride's sister. It's a wedding ffs. Not life and death. It's fine to be disappointed. It's not fine to abuse people over it. Bride and sis need to get over themselves.

I think your ‘friend’ is a complete cow and her sister is acting like a spoilt child. How ridiculous. It’s just a glorified party for heavens sake! I wouldn’t bother attending and I’d go very low contact with her going forwards.

Only read page 1 but I agree with the majority of posters that you are being a bit OTT not going to the the wedding - I had a 9 week premature baby and v traumatic birth (I almost died) and we went to Scotland from the Midlands for a family wedding when baby was 3 months old and tiny with no issues. I didn't really even consider not going.

I think a compromise was made with you not being MOH but I can understand why she is upset. He sister shouldn't have got involved and was rude but she is kind of right in what she said - the world doesn't stop when you have a baby and if you don't continue doing normal things, you will narrow your life considerably.

hope you feel alittle better op weeding out the ignorant replies and reading the supportive ones. The majority of people on this thread feel for you and think your 'friends' were out of order.

You could have done it if you’d wanted. You could have done a 3 hour drive, stayed overnight in a premier inn, driven the rest of the way, attended the wedding, driven back to the premier inn, stayed over again and then driven the 3 hours home. There are ways of doing things if you really want to do them.

I attended my cousins wedding as MOH when DD was 5 weeks and was bridesmaid for my best friend when DD was 9 weeks that was a 5 hour drive away and needed a 2 night stay over as was a day day wedding. I had an awful birth resulting in massive blood loss and an emergency section but nothing would have stopped me from being at either wedding and I was exclusively breast feeding. You are making excuses and I can understand why you friend is pissed off. Yes you have had a baby but you are not being a supportive friend.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

I think you've all been unreasonable and have you thought that your friend feels the same?

There's two issues here. I do think you should have made the effort to get to her wedding and I don't think having a 3 month old baby is reason enough to miss the wedding of someone you supposedly care about. You won't have just given birth and you could have gone.

I'd have been really hurt if I was the bride. Partly because you'd already decided you weren't going to go before you had a difficult birth etc

But the bride's sister, with the bride's knowledge I'm assuming, is behaving horribly so I think this will probably end the friendship anyway. It's really not fair to harass and bully you.

"had a 9 week premature baby and v traumatic birth (I almost died) and we went to Scotland from the Midlands for a family wedding when baby was 3 months old and tiny with no issues.'

That is absolutely terrible and I'm pleased you got through it. But surely you realise that people deal with things differently. It's great your mental health was in a place where you had the capability to go. Alluding to your experience meaning 'anybody could do it' is very ignorant indeed.

My best friends wedding was 3 weeks after my first sons birth and I went. I just made arrangements and made the effort to go. I don't get why you haven't done so tbh?

I had to go up to my room several times to change pads as I was bleeding heavily still.

But they are acting very childish also.