Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining to go to my best friends wedding

440 replies

Newmumma88 · 08/09/2022 11:16

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

OP posts:
Namechangenoidea · 08/09/2022 12:39

I understand why your friend was hurt. I don’t understand why you didn’t want to go. I cried my eyes out at my best friends wedding I was so happy for her. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I think she is better off without you to be honest.

WaltzingWaters · 08/09/2022 12:40

If she meant that much to you you’d have been able to make it work. I don’t think it would have even occurred to you that you wouldn’t go. I went to a close friends wedding 4.5 hour drive away with a 5 week old. Nah it wasn’t the easiest and I was still recovering from a long, difficult birth and c section, but I wanted to be there for my friend.it was also lovely showing the baby off! And the younger they are the easier they are in situations like that.
I understand declining MOH duties but I understand why your friend was upset you didn’t make any effort in attending.
however, she has also acted as a bad friend in with what she has said back to you, and it seems your close friendship has run its course.

MassiveSalad22 · 08/09/2022 12:43

I was a bridesmaid with a 12 week old, friend was a bridesmaid actually ON her due date. Difference is, the brides were actually nice and whereas this one sounds like she can’t see past the end of her nose, and her sister just sounds awful. The more someone speaks to me like shit, the less likely I am to do what they want, unsurprisingly. Don’t go OP!

mam0918 · 08/09/2022 12:44

I also cant understand why you cant go, 15 weeks PP is hardly the same as having a brand new newborn.

I had my oldest (a premie and I had severe complications that nearly killed me) and was at a wedding 2 weeks after getting out of the hospital, it was actually a relief to finally be out and able to socialise.

You do honestly sound like you are being very precious first time mam, you'll likely look back and laugh at how over cautious you where by the time you get to the second and third or more child life litrally cant stop and wait and you just have to solider on.

LollingAround · 08/09/2022 12:45

Tricky situation. I think you made a mistake in how you handled it. It’s a bit OTT to have declined just because you have a new baby but, even so, it’s up to you. It not like it’s unusual to Want to keep things simple when you have a new baby.
Are there other reasons you don’t want to go such as expense or not knowing other guests?

You friend and sister have been obnoxious.
I think you were really unwise to have said you will go on your own and leave your baby. It sounds a dramatic thing to have said.
If she is your best friend can’t you phone her and have a proper chat about it. You are probably both very stressed and upset.

It’s understandable that she really really might want you there.

Illputitonmytodolist · 08/09/2022 12:46

YABU to have declined. I do understand why your friend felt hurt.
But they are being VVVU to treat you like this.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/09/2022 12:47

I'd tell them both to fuck off to be honest.

How dare they make you feel guilty about trying to look after your newborn after a traumatic birth?

Sounds like your ex-BF's sister is just goading you.

But neither of them are your friends.

Send a present if you feel the need to, but I wouldn't bother.

Scottishgirl85 · 08/09/2022 12:49

The damage to the friendship is done. But in reality most wouldn't have caused such an issue over not attending. Newborns are very portable. With our 1st baby we were at a wedding at 3 weeks and then again 5 weeks post birth. Both long distance drives.
Clearly it's an individual decision and your friend should understand if you don't feel up to it. But I'm really not understanding why you can't go. It probably just means you're not as close as you perhaps thought.

BotterMon · 08/09/2022 12:49

I voted YABU.

This part of your OP shouts at me : The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

It's all about you isn't it? Yes your friend's sister is OTT with her response but blood thicker than water etc. etc. You have upset your, alleged, best friend and you have damaged your relationship, not her.

PFB

Thesehills · 08/09/2022 12:49

Crikey the sister is behaving badly. Not on at all.

But you declined so quickly.

Honestly, it'd take a bit of effort but there's not really a problem in you going is there? Babies are quite easy to take places, they feed and sleep for most of the time.

Sorry it's got to this stage, I can see why your friend is hurt though.

BeanieTeen · 08/09/2022 12:51

I can see why your friend is hurt. I think you’ve made a bit of a mountain out of a molehill in terms of taking your baby to this wedding. It would have been perfectly manageable.
But her sisters behaviour is still inexcusable.

comfyshoes2022 · 08/09/2022 12:51

PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2022 11:30

It’s pretty common for people to go to weddings with children as young as yours. I can see why she was disappointed you wouldn’t be there at all.

Her behaviour is friendship ending though.

Yep.

mummyh2016 · 08/09/2022 12:51

Frankly you sound like you can't be arsed. You planted the seed at 3 months pregnant that you may not be able to go because you may be trying to get your baby into a feeding and sleeping routine. Do you never go out? It's a shit excuse. The travelling is more of a valid reason yes but it sounds like you mentioned that as an after thought.
You can't put your life on hold. At 3 months it is the easiest stage, they sleep on and off and basically just slot into your life.
You've made your choice and decided that's what's best for you, great. But if I was your best friend I would be massively hurt and it looks like your relationship with her is irreparable.
Are you suffering with PND?

mummyh2016 · 08/09/2022 12:52

I doubt you'll be back though.

Darbs76 · 08/09/2022 12:52

3 months later I can understand why your friend doesn’t think she’s a priority to you. I’d definitely go 3 months post baby to a best friends wedding.

Yummymummy2020 · 08/09/2022 12:53

I had a really bad birth and I totally get it. I was still in effectively adult nappies two months after and really suffering with pain after an infection also set in. So if I had been expected to attend anything far I wouldn’t have been impressed nor would I have managed the long car trip. I think people get ridiculously precious about weddings and I think given you have said you are not recovered, Which means it’s a health thing now, is perfectly reasonable to not want to attend. Personally I could never be so self obsessed as to give a friend much less a best friend a hard time about not attending something in these circumstances! Please rest up and enjoy your baby!!!

MzHz · 08/09/2022 12:53

penguin23 · 08/09/2022 12:03

Here we go, lets all pile on the OP, don't you know you should have travelled to the moon with your newborn by now, so a wedding 5 hours away should be nothing! Look at all these other super mums going to Amsterdam and Canada! FFS! I despair, childbirth and motherhood really are a competition to some people!

I get it OP, when I had my daughter it totally changed me, I had anxiety and PND, even a short trip in the car felt like a massive challenge. People didn't get it, I had people telling me I should be doing this and that and going to XYZ and I was letting people down. Just what a new mum needs to hear!

I think it was reasonable to assume you wouldn't be able to go to the wedding when your "friend" announced her engagement. It's not hard to think there could be a chance it would be quite difficult as you wouldn't know how the birth/feeding etc would go, so you decided against being MOH then rather than agree and pull out nearer the wedding. They're not nice people, maybe your friend isn't who you thought she was. Just do what's best for you and your baby, real friends and reasonable people would understand that.

Bravo! This was me too. And I didn’t even have a difficult birth.

I would screenshot the shite the sister has sent, I’d send it to the supposed friend and say “I was considering coming and was making all the plans to do so, but I’m not comfortable with the thought that I might be in for more abuse. So thanks to your sister, it’s a hard no for the wedding, I’ll catch up with you at some point. I sincerely wish you an amazing day, and I’m sorry not to be there, but I’m in no position to have to deal with all this aggression”

SVRT19674 · 08/09/2022 12:54

OP I declined weddings until my daughter was 1! It was bliss. You do what is right for you. The problem here is you tried appeasement and that never works. I would have told batshit sister to fo the first time round, the world doesn´t stop because someone is getting married and to butt out of our friendship (1 in 3 end up in divorce anyway). Going is not right for you, full stop. It is irrelevant that others were on the way to weddings right after jumping off the birth stretcher or that 20 years ago women did this or that, it is not right for you, the answer is no. And it is an invitation, not a summons.

PinkStarAtNight · 08/09/2022 12:55

Her sister is BU for being abusive to you, but I also think YABU for not making more of an effort to go and for saying a straight no from the beginning when you didn't even know how the birth would work out.

I would have thought that three months into having a baby you should be able to go to a wedding, with or without the baby, especially when its your best friend. I would have even said you could have stretched to being her MOH, but to rule out even going as a guest kind of seems like you just can't be bothered to make an effort at all.

The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

Your best friend may well be feeling this way about you. Getting married is a pretty big thing. You say this is a time that you need her the most - but you're not making an effort to be there for her when she needs you the most.

Americano75 · 08/09/2022 12:56

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that this so called friend and her nasty sister have previous for his kind of behaviour, they both sound vile.

However 'precious' you might be is irrelevant, weddings aren't mandatory. Block the pair of them.

starbaby858 · 08/09/2022 12:56

It’s not really a pile on tbh, most people think the OP was unreasonable.

In the OP it says, ‘I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.’

It doesn’t sound like there was any attempt AT ALL to try and make it or see how the OP was getting on with early motherhood during the time. No one’s saying to fly to the moon but at least be optimistic if this is your best friend?

Anothernamechangeplease · 08/09/2022 12:57

OP I declined weddings until my daughter was 1! It was bliss. You do what is right for you.

I agree with this, as long as you understand and accept that there will be consequences for your friendships if you can't be arsed to make an effort.

Superbabe64 · 08/09/2022 12:57

YABU as far as travelling with baby is concerned. DS was premature with a pretty traumatic birth and then we moved countries when he was 4 weeks old. The baby stage is actually the easiest fro travel, eating out etc. Think you're being a bit precious.

YANBU...your friends...not nice

rubytubeytubes · 08/09/2022 12:59

They behaviour is rubbish but you could have gone - it’s in a few weeks and your baby will be nearly four months old not a week or two. Weddings are a time when you want your best friend.

babies can travel in a car, your response sounds a bit precious.

SVRT19674 · 08/09/2022 13:00

Actually, because I have nice friends and perhaps because they know me we are still friends and I was not subjected to harassment or abuse by anyone, but then, I understand that not everyone is so lucky.

Swipe left for the next trending thread