Declining to go to my best friends wedding

[Newmumma88]

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

Hey @Newmumma88. you are not being unreasonable and please don’t listen to anyone who says you are. If you don’t want to go, you don’t want to go. I missed weddings since my son was born, including my husbands best friend, and not a single person has said a word. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, if you don’t feel comfortable then that’s fine.

People will say things to you like ‘We’ve all had babies and we got on with it’ or that you’re being precious or that their birth was worse than yours and they still went out with the baby on the boob whilst building tower blocks with their free hand, but that’s all irrelevant. How you feel as a new parent is how you feel, and a traumatic birth can have a big impact. If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to or if you have said you will go then go and stay as long as you feel comfortable.

I’m sorry, but I don’t believe events should come before your own mental health.

Absolutely this. It’s so unfair when people say “but mine was worse and I still xyz”. We’re all different (thankfully) and some people cope better than others with different things. You don’t get an award for being unaffected. If you’re not comfortable then you should never be bullied into doing something just because someone else would or has coped.

Why are people so obsessed with weddings, if you don't want to go ...then don't go. It doesn't matter if you have a new baby or are washing your hair .. no one has a 'right' to expect people to accept an invitation to their wedding day. . I was married over 30 years ago ... can hardly remember which of my friends attended and which didn't. In fact thinking about it, my two closest friends, who I went to primary school with and are still friends to this day (we are all in our 60s now ) weren't there - so what?

OP initially declined for basically no real reason at all. Fine to have said she couldn't be MOH, not fine to say she couldn't go at all with a three month old.

It still feels like she declined in order to put her pregnancy back in the limelight after her friend stole her thunder by announcing her engagement two days after the pregnancy announcement.

Agree with this one. It's not like you are backing out at the last minute OP when its hard to change plans. You knew you might find it difficult, for whatever reason and gave the bride plenty of warning.

The OP said she had a traumatic birth and I think many posters are completely underestimating this. We don't know what her physical or mental health is/was like or whether she has a partner who would drive her to the wedding or what kind of other support she has, only that she was very anxious about this from the start. We don't know the full details of what made her so anxious, maybe the Bride and her sister have form for behaving like this.

The bride was happy to let her sister bully OP, which now, as I suspect the sister knew in advance, would make it even more difficult for OP to attend now, because all she can expect is to be bullied, if not by the Bride with her Nose out of joint, then certainly by the sister, who has slagged her off in public Facebook posts. They literally don't give a damn about her. They just want her to do as she's told.
I suspect you are well out of this situation OP. I hope your recovery continues. Enjoy your new baby without all this worry.

If she really is your BEST friend
You would have made it work .
I would have done anything to make it to my best friend's wedding.

The fact that you already declined to go BEFORE your baby was even born months earlier was a bit ott op. And hurtful.

If she IS your best friend. Youll make it work
And if she isnt your bestie. Well. Then stay home.

We all deal with horrific births and the trauma that comes with it. And I speak
From experience
(And pnd)
But if you really want to go. Youd make it work.

Ps her sisters behaviour was a bit much (understatement)
But she probably just acted out as she was seeing her sister hurt.

I think for many people it does seem that the world stops because the have babies.

I got married last week. Two of my closest childhood friends declined.

One because she is pregnant (due in October) and has been in complete bed rest since she found out she was pregnant. Common in our culture in the past but surely today people have lives and jobs…

The other was pregnant and had a due date pretty much on the wedding day (so fair). But she sadly ended up miscarrying but didn’t want to risk a party in case she fell pregnant again… and decided this months ago. She actually didn’t even go to her own sisters wedding for the same reason.

I accepted both declines and didn’t mention it again. But I do feel stung that I went to great lengths to go to both their weddings (years ago now). But it seem that this is just a taste of how it will be now as more and more friends have kids so I need to just get used to it 🤷🏻‍♀️

The sister is way out of line, this is an issue between you and your friend.

Regards to whether or not you are being unreasonable depends on how you are feeding baby.

If you are breastfeeding at three months it might be a little early to try and go to any event. There could be cluster feeding still and you’d spend most of the evening nursing and not actually in attendance. Additionally, it would be difficult for most to pump and bag enough milk sufficient that you could leave baby… and if they’ve no bottle experience it’s a recipe for disaster.

The earliest I was able to pump extra milk sufficient and leave baby overnight was 6 months.

If you are bottle feeding, I really don’t see what the issue is. You can easily bring baby or leave with husband.

This.

URGH I hate it when someone says 'if I can do it so can you...' It's like the people moaning about their mother and her toxic behaviour, and someone bitchplops onto the thread with 'my mother died 3 years ago, at least you HAVE a mother.' Makes my blood boil when peoples issues are downplayed like this, with 'yeah but at least.......' Just jog on eh?

Their nastiness is unbelievable. Even if you WERE BU (I don't think you are), getting her sister to bully you about it is disgusting. And unfortunately I think does mean the end of the friendship. Real friends may have quarrels, that may be made up. But a real friend does not get, or even allow, others to get involved in ganging up to pressure their friends.

Also, the whole: 'A- 'I can't do this'; B (and C, her sister)- 'Nag, pressurize, guilt, guilt'; A: 'Since it's so important, I'll do as much of this as I can'; B-'No, as you're only doing it because we've guilted you, I don't want it!' is a classic and very ugly form of emotional manipulation, commoner in a certain type of parent than among friends.

To those who think it unreasonable to decline a long time in advance: there are different perspectives on this. Some people would be more upset by someone agreeing in advance, and then backing out at the last minute, than by their declining in advance,

I do NOT dislike weddings, but I do dislike the way in which some brides and occasionally grooms consider their wedding as an excuse for any amount of nastiness toward friends and relatives. I have rarely encountered this IRL, but it's appeared in a number of MN threads.

I'd tell her to fuck right off and be happy to have the piece of shit out of my life for good, weddings aren't important to anyone except the morons having them and it enrages me that so many people think that the whole world has to revolve around them for months or even years because they are having a stupid little party!

I vote you are BU for even allowing it to veg to this stage. You made your sensible decision not to go and should not have allowed yourself to get bullied like you did. It’s obvious she is not your friend and you should have cut them out now allow it to get to this stage when you should be focused on your baby and recovering.

I think you could have gone. No excuse for the abuse you got though.

No she is not being OTT, her friends wedding is not the beginning and end of the world and she can get married without her friend there. If your friend missing your wedding is the deciding factor for your friendship then it’s not a true friendship in the first place.

And the sister is just an idiot.

@Picklypickles I take it you aren’t married then?

It isn’t a stupid little party. It is a lifelong commitment recognised in law and for the most part religious in nature.

I do agree that the world and all shouldn’t have to kowtow to bride and groom for the duration of engagement - honeymoon… but making a bit of effort is called for.

you obviously don’t care about your ‘best’ friend that much. I went to the wedding of an old but not very close friend when my baby was 8 weeks. Had to get on a plane with the baby to do so. Also drove from Sheffield to Dorset and back when she was 3 months, just break the journey down. You’re being very precious. People have babies every day and life goes on!

I think you just had realistic expectations of parenthood and were being honest about what you could commit to. From the way you described it, you didn't even decline right away. You just said you weren't sure, and then basically repeated that you weren't sure but would go if possible.

You were right to worry about things like a traumatic birth, and I understand how this could have really affected you. Everyone who says they cycled through Europe with a newborn etc and can't even IMAGINE why you couldn't go to the wedding with a 3 month old is being totally ignorant IMO. Don't we realize that everyone's baby, health, mental health, etc is different and it affects us differently?

I didn't suffer from a particularly traumatic birth or postpartum depression but my baby STILL has terrible colic, and definitely had terrible colic at 3 months. She refuses a bottle so leaving her home with her dad for a day would not have been an option. She'd have to come with me. She would have screamed most of the 10+ hour car ride, every time we stop to nurse it would be a couple of hours of stopping because she would be flailing and fussing at the breast and having poop exploding out of her pants all over the car multiple times an hour, there would be vomit everywhere in the car and all over me at all times, and then she would probably scream throughout the entire wedding and reception, and I would be doing this all on 45 minutes of sleep. I am not even kidding. Some babies are harder than others and some mothers have a hard time coping with it all and are right to expect that they might have a hard time. Add recovery from a traumatic birth on top of it and it sounds straight up fun.

No I'm not, been engaged for over a decade now but I've been to enough of other people's weddings and seen enough of the damage caused to families and friendships by bride/groomzillas to put me off for life! If we ever do get around to getting married there wont be a "wedding" with guests and all that silly faff! It will just be us and our children!

OP, this woman is not a friend and you should absolutely not go to her wedding. Her sister is even worse. You shouldn't feel in the slightest bit guilty about not going, either. Don't let yourself be steamrollered into doing this. And don't think that just because Anonymous Internet Mother hitchhiked across the Arctic while recovering from an EMCS and carrying her baby on her back, you should be able to go to a wedding. You and your baby are the only things that matter here.

As for @Marvellousmadness and all this "if she were really our best friend, you'd find a way to make it work", and "nothing would have stopped me from attending my best friend's wedding" - I'd turn that firmly on its head. If the Friend regarded OP as her best friend, she wouldn't be making these ridiculous and selfish demands. And there are plenty of things that might stop you attending your best friend's wedding. The job of your best friend at that point is to understand, not judge.

I don't get why you can't go. I'm planning on going my best friends wedding when my baby is 3/4weeks old cause I wouldn't miss it for the world. I declined being a bridesmaid cause that would be to much pressure so close to having a baby but I can still go and watch. I'm just taking the baby with me

I think as a friend she needed to be more understanding BUT Yabu to make the excuses that you have, It's something I would have done for my best friend.

Maybe the OP can't go because she's not you?!

She expected me to be MOH

Did she ask you or tell you?

"the world doesn't stop just because we have babies"

The world doesn't stop for other people's weddings either.

blocking me so I can't defend myself

Don't bother trying to defend yourself, it really isn't worth it - you can't reason with the unreasonable any more than you can argue with stupid.

I think the issue is you declined before your baby was even born. So made no effort to want to go. And the way you say she ‘announced’ she got engaged two days after your pregnancy announcement is very telling.

The sister sounds horrible but sorry but YABU.

People in the US are back at work at 12 weeks or less!

@Robbini the sad truth is that for approximately 50% of couples it doesn't turn out to be a 'lifetime commitment' and for even fewer couples it has any religious significance.

No one should 'assume' that their friends or family are obliged to attend their wedding and if people want to put themselves out and attend weddings at their own inconvenience then that's entirely up to them and they need to own their decision and not just assume that other people will do the same for them.