Declining to go to my best friends wedding

[Newmumma88]

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

I think it is one thing to have a young baby and know how your baby is and how you feel about doing things and make a decision you can't manage but it is entirely different to decide months ahead of time when you don't know what the reality of the situation will be. That really gives the impression that you just don't want to go. Which is your right but will be hurtful to a best friend.

@Starpeople totally agree with you. It's not a top trumps of who had the worst birth experience and the winner gets to decide how all mothers should feel. People deal with things differently.

I could be wrong but judging on how the friend and sister have acted it sounds like they may have demanded an answer early on, hence op saying no (without saying yes then risking letting the friend down last minute).

Exactly @Lunabun and what a boring world it would be if we were all the same. Women should support other woman and not invalidate their experiences/capabilities.

I echo others who don't understand why you were so quick to say no from the start. It sounds like you already decided you didn't want to go.

I was back at work after 3 months with my eldest two! (in 2000 and 2002 - you only got 3 months maternity leave). I think you're being a bit of a snowflake, sorry.

But your reaction suggests she isn't really a best friend at all and the friendship has run its course. It is your decision of course whether you go or not and the sister sounds nasty and should've stayed out of it.

I wasn't saying anyone can do it, just that it's perfectly possible even though op is worried. I didn't even mention my mental health so that's an assumption you made, I just said I didn't consider not going.

@Thehonestbadger I know what premature means having my DS at 33 weeks and DD at 29 weeks.
During pregnancy you are told by the midwife baby should be born at 40 weeks.

There is a possibility that female type vocabulary giving an opportunity for misunderstanding. Coupled with non-direct ways of communicating.
You said not happy with travelling with baby. Fair
She in throes of excitement about wedding and the stress of it all. did not interpret this as a strong reaction.
If your first reaction had been to speak in person (5 hrs travel in this case) or on phone, easily done, and said "I may not be well enough to travel" that would be difficult to fall out with.
My DH keeps telling me over all kinds of things "Try and speak like a man more".
In a business letter he uses half the words I do.
Why do so many use Facebook and text so much. Phone, speak direct.

Sister has been awful but I imagine she feels desperately protective of her sister who is being let down by her so called best friend.

You made a decision not to go before your baby was even born.

'wasn't saying anyone can do it, just that it's perfectly possible even though op is worried. I didn't even mention my mental health so that's an assumption you made, I just said I didn't consider not going.'

It just read that you did and that it was some sort of competition. What you said does allude to you being strong enough to do so at that time as you did it.
If op felt she could do it she would have But I don't think it is helpful saying "I went through all of this and managed".

I don't know. I feel like if you wanted to go you could get a hotel and then the baby could be there with your husband and you could leave early and be with them if you needed to. If it was my best friend I'd like to think I would at least try and get through the service. But also I didn't experience your birth and we all manage differently. My labours and births were fine but I was mentally a bit shitty adjusting to new babies so I can empathise. Yanbu really.

Everyone is different and everyone needs different adjustments after giving birth. Really saddened by some of the responses from other mothers here. My best friend has ME, I will be asking him to be the godfather in the knowledge he may or may not be able to make the christening on the day and we may well have to rearrange. It’s not the end of the world! Bride can’t change the date but there will be plenty of other friends there. Is the wedding like a court summons?

OP just stated she wasn’t sure if she would be up to it and declined, but was pushed into deciding later and has since clarified that point as she said she would closer to the date. The ‘best friend’ sounds like a diva. I love all my friends and couldn’t be at all offended if they didn’t want to come to my wedding. I don’t enjoy attending weddings personally, so wouldn’t be at all offended if friends didn’t wish to attend mine for even just not fancying it.

Your friend and her sister are incredibly selfish and controlling bullies.

Of course you shouldn’t have to drag a newborn baby on a ten hr round trip just so you can watch a wedding! Of course you shouldn’t have to leave a newborn either!

I would tell them to get lost. If they really cared that much about you being part of the wedding they’d have chosen better timing.

I'd have told the sister to mind her own fucking business the first time she piped up.

That argument far from undermines the OP's position, it validates it. As you say, 'you don't know what the reality will be'. The birth, aftermath, feeding, sleeping set-up, not least the mother's mental wellbeing, might be plain-sailing. On the other hand, it might not. For plenty of people, the latter proves to be the case. Declining at that stage means everyone knows where they are, and the OP has been gracious enough to be upfront about it. It avoids her having to pull out at the last last minute, which, given the personality of the bride and her sister, would doubtless would have caused even greater offence.

This idea that people should be press-ganged into attending a wedding with a ball and chain around their ankles is anathema to me. No new mother needs a reason or excuse for daring to put the needs of her baby first and, having made that decision, she certainly doesn't deserve to be browbeaten about it.

@Proudofeveryone

Well your DC were definitely premature but 37 weeks is not. 37 weeks is full term. I actually went into Labour with my DD at 36+6 and there was a massive ‘we need to try and get past midnight’ attitude from the midwives which surprised me but that was the difference between DD being classed as ‘premature’ vs ‘full term’ I mean it’s an easy Google. 37 weeks is classed at full term.

Sorry, why can't you go? Am I missing something? The baby will be 3 months old there is absolutely zero reason not to go

Not a newborn. Four months old.

I don’t think the sister has treated you fairly but I do think it’s a pretty poor effort from your side as well. You wrote off going to the wedding well before your baby even arrived, making assumptions about how hard it would be. It’s not really difficult at all, babies at the age of yours are so portable and not bound by a routine. I was a bridesmaid at an abroad wedding with a 7 week old. I wanted ti be part of the day and made it work, and it was absolutely fine. I think you should just be honest with yourself that you saw the wedding as a hassle you couldn’t be bothered with and you prioritised your own plans over your friends wedding.

The friendship will probably be unsalvageable now so just make your peace with the fact that due to unfortunate timing of life events, you didn’t feel up to committing.

I think they've done you a favour, who needs "friends" like that??? Sorry for all the abuse and emotional drain. Make new friends xxx

I think that they both, and a lot of posters, are being unfair. I know there is no way I'd have coped with it with my daughter at the age.

I know a lot of people wouldn't have found it an issue, but if you do that's enough of a reason.

I had barely made it into the local town on my own at that age due to a combination of a horrible birth, lack of sleep and feeling totally unrecovered and very antisocial. You have to do what feels best for you - a proper friend would understand that.

Whatever the practicalities of attending the wedding they’ve treated you with an appalling lack of kindness. If their first response had been to understand and ask what they could do to help then you might have felt better. They sound like lousy friends.
Be interesting to see how they are if/when they have babies.

Also to add they shouldn’t of blocked you they have been mean about it for all they know you could be suffering pnd (not saying you are) they should be more understanding x

^^ This
I'd be so hurt if a best friend said months in advance that they probably wouldn't come to my wedding with a child of 3 months+. The sister should not have got involved though, she has made it 100 x worse