Family won't respect our no screen policy foe DS

[MoMuM7]

I have a no screen policy for DS (1 yo). Everyone who watches him ie family, childcare knows this. I've recently discovered that my sister has been letting him watch TV for HOURS when he goes over to hers. She loves him to bits but why won't she abide by my rules? Is it really that hard to entertain a child? BTW she's single, lives alone and as far as I can tell has no other responsibilities/distractions that would cause her to plonk DD infront of the telly.
I have now decided she can only see him when I'm around. She's very upset. Family thinks im over reacting. AIBU?

You sound so resentful of your sister.
Are you sure you are not just trying to find fault with her, to make yourself feel better?

It was interesting how you felt it necessary to comment that she is single, & lives alone, as if that were a pejorative.
Are you maybe just feeling a little over-wrought, & need to re-establish a feeling of being in control, by knowing better than the sister you sound slightly ... envious of?
(NB am NOT implying you don't know better - he's your boy, of course you do.)

Because - how would you know how many hours screen time she has allowed, when you weren't there? Maybe your boy is overstimulated when he gets back home because it's exciting being in a different place with his aunt.

You've got a cracking sense of humour though OP.
Hope it can help carry your though this & get you communicating openly with your sister again.

Agree re the lashing out. They know deep down that their little children should not be plopped in front of the TV.

In future it will be very easy to distinguish between students whose parents actually spoke to them and played with them, vs the poor little screen-bots.

Why do so many people assume not wanting a one year old to watch TV is the same as never wanting him to interact with any screen ever in his whole life?! Weird assumption.

I want them to have a great relationship! I also want my child to sleep...the question is how to balance that. I'm willing to compromise but if sis just dismisses my parenting structure, what do I do?

Surely the simplest thing to do is change the hours he's with her, so that you collect him with plenty of time left to help him wind down & get back to his normal routine?
Pick him up, take him to the park to let off some energy, home, & back to calmness & the structure he's familiar with?

Of course you want them to have a great relationship.
So even though it's more work for you - this day isn't about childminding & making your life easier is it, because you have actual childcare the other 4 days.

It's about fostering that great relationship. And not pissing off your sister & causing a family rift - She's very upset. Family thinks im over reacting.

YANBU. It doesn't matter whether she or I or anyone else agrees with your rules. Your child your rules. The issue here is that she knew your wishes and has deliberately gone against them.

And not pissing off your sister & causing a family rift - She's very upset. Family thinks im over reacting.

The sister is the one causing the rift by not respecting the wishes of the mother (regardless of if she feels OP is unreasonable or batshit or whatever). This sister has caused all of this by simply not being honest and by disrespecting OP's wishes and boundaries. Please stop victim-blaming.

I know right.

Almost as weird as the assumption that a bit of telly for a kid will turn them into some uncommunicative dribbling imbecile that can't make friends and is destined for a life of yelling at cars by the M6.

I just think you need to unclench a bit.

If she was looking after him daily and was watching TV with him for 8 hours a day then fair enough but going to hers every now and then and watching a bit of TV with his auntie is hardly a huge deal.

I don't give my son many things like chocolate at home unless there's a reason like Easter or Christmas but I know my parents give him a few treats when he sees them. So what? He's lived to tell the tale and he has a beautiful relationship with my parents.

By all means stop your sister from seeing your son if you like. He's your son at the end of the day but I really think all you're doing is depriving your son of a relationship he clearly enjoys for the sake of something which doesn't actually really matter.

It's just such an over-reaction to suggest that a child getting any screen time isn't getting personal/social interaction though! People act like allowing it means the kid becomes an immediate zombie, propped up against a pillow in an echo chamber of CBeebies!!

There is an entirely sensible parenting World in which some of us allow an hour of screentime here or there, ALSO spend lots of time doing things with our kids and raising children who are absolutely thriving. I'm sure you know that, so why you're imparting the developmental knowledge as if those of us who allow a bit of Thomas the Tank Engine don't know that is beyond me!

As far as I'm aware, the OP has childcare and let her sister babysit as she wanted to. It's hardly a 'regular care' situation, is it?

If the OP wants to avoid screen time at home that's her business but if she's going to stop her child spending any quality time with her family members, clearly fairly rarely (as it had never happened before) because they popped Peppa on then I really think she's over reacting!

Sorry I haven't read every post here but I saw you say that they're watching Cocomelon. This sends my daughter loopy - I noticed she was having meltdowns after we'd watched it (more so than normal) so Cocomelon is now 'broken' in our house. I later read an article that described how the way it is produced is extremely overstimulating, changes of 'shot' every few seconds, etc. We have far fewer issues now that we stick to CBeebies.

I guess the main issue though is that your sister is doing something with your child that you asked her not to, whatever that thing is. If she wants to spend time with him on her own then she has to respect your wishes. Maybe you could remind her (gently) of this and give her some ideas of other things that she could do with him, places to go, etc.?

The sister is the one causing the rift by not respecting the wishes of the mother (regardless of if she feels OP is unreasonable or batshit or whatever). This sister has caused all of this by simply not being honest and by disrespecting OP's wishes and boundaries. Please stop victim-blaming.

Show me the victim & I won't blame them @CatsandFish
Please stop creating melodrama out of a situation that has an easy fix.
All you are doing is driving a wedge between OP, her sister, & the rest of her family with your hyperbolic & frankly ridiculous statements.

Who the fuck is the victim when we're talking about a baby watching a (minimal really) bit of TV 🤣🤣🤣 get a grip.

FWIW I agree with you, especially after your second post where you clarify that your sister had asked for this time with DS.

I wouldn't call sitting in front of the TV together having 'quality time', particularly for a one year old. It's pretty lazy IMO, and you don't need to be an expert in childcare to know that very young children need and benefit from other forms of stimulation e.g. playing, reading, going to the park, even going to the local coffee shop is an adventure for a little one.

I think insisting on supervised visits is an overreaction (it's not like your child is in danger here) but I think you can reduce the length of the visits and/or talk to your sister about the sorts of things that one year olds do. And equip her with the tools she needs - toys, books, pram, etc.

Personally I would reduce visit length, moreso because she's not adhering to the feeding and napping schedule, which would be more of an issue for me and what is the more likely culprit for these new sleeping issues.

(Can you guess I have a baby too? 🙃)

Almost as weird as the assumption that a bit of telly for a kid will turn them into some uncommunicative dribbling imbecile that can't make friends and is destined for a life of yelling at cars by the M6.

😂😂😂
Bejaysus, I do this at least weekly, & I grew up without screens @MoistBandana
Maybe it was the introduction of 3-channel TV at the ripe old age of about 8 that did it?

These TV producers have a lot to answer for [casts dark look at OP's career] ...
PS - JOKE, OP, okay?

@Beees It's very hard to reply to 200 odd comments! The lack of sleep and screen time is directly related for DS. He is very sensitive to sound and blue light. Part of the reason we don't do screens is because of that and also my personal preference based on professional opinion. DS can happily potter about indoors playing with his toys and go to sleep without a problem. He also has plenty of playmates in different locales so he's used to being away from home. The only difference really is the TV.

When he is ready/older he'll have access to screens. But for now it's not helping.

I wouldn't call sitting in front of the TV together having 'quality time', particularly for a one year old. It's pretty lazy IMO, and you don't need to be an expert in childcare to know that very young children need and benefit from other forms of stimulation e.g. playing, reading, going to the park, even going to the local coffee shop is an adventure for a little one.

They do yes. Not 24/7 though. Surely it's ridiculous to suggest a couple of hours of TV here and there will stunt a 1 year olds brain development. I'm sure OP provides plenty of other forms of stimulation. Its not going to harm her son because he watches the odd bit of telly at his aunt's house.

And I disagree that TV can't be quality time as well. It depends on the mood obviously but me and my son love snuggling on the sofa and watching a film when he's a bit sleepy and I stroke his hair. It definitely is quality time. Not entirely the same as a 1 year old but tbh I don't know any 1 year old who'll just sit and stare at a telly for hours on end so I actually imagine she's probably playing and interacting with him at stages throughout anyway.

She's not taping his eyes open and sitting his high chair in front of the TV for 4 hours for goodness sake.

Sorry I haven't read every post here but I saw you say that they're watching Cocomelon. This sends my daughter loopy - I noticed she was having meltdowns after we'd watched it (more so than normal) so Cocomelon is now 'broken' in our house. I later read an article that described how the way it is produced is extremely overstimulating, changes of 'shot' every few seconds, etc. We have far fewer issues now that we stick to CBeebies.

I think the main problem is that a lot of little kids are watching shows on streaming services, so there isn’t that variety that you have on tv (despite there being hundreds of shows to choose from). I doubt one episode of Cocomelon followed by something else will cause any problems. But one Cocomelon after another - and the same goes for watching 20 episodes of anything really after another - is enough to send anyone a bit loopy. Adults love a ‘box set binge’ but I really don’t think it’s good for kids - not sure how good it is for adults actually. I never intend to ‘binge’ on anything really, it just becomes a bit of a compulsion when it happens! Dare I say it brings out some addictive traits and tendencies… maybe that was influencing the meltdowns?
I agree just having a tv channel like Cbeebies on is probably a lot better.

Great post @Grooooovy - OP I hope you found it helpful, & can reconcile with a bit of compromise?
"Hi Sis, I've been thinking a lot about this & while I still have reservations about screentime, I've been a bit PFB & don't want this to fester between us. Do you want to come over for a cuppa/glass & spend some time with us? I'd love you to learn [XYZ clapping game] because you should see his little face when he (XYZ action].
You know I was upset because he's been coming home too overstimulated to sleep, & that messes his whole routine, but some of that is probably just because he's so loves spending time with you.
So I've got a plan that will help him settle down after being at yours, if you want to hear it, & want to keep having him? It will mean I have to re-jig the hours & timings, but come over & we can talk it though?"

Not telling you that you ought to do this OP, as it's your kid, your choices - but can you see yourself offering that kind of olive branch?

How are my statements that a parents wishes should be respected are 'ridiculous' and 'hyperbolic'? As I've said before on this thread, it is those like yourself who are being hyperbolic, ridiculous and courting drama instead of respect a parents boundaries. And that's because of a guilty conscience that parents on here who use screens, have. The abuse and attacks of the OP are absolutely ridiculous, hyperbolic and quite unhinged.

😂🤣 Are you projecting this belief onto the OP?! Because that’s not even remotely what she said. Or what anyone else has said that I can see… What a bizarre world of extremes you must live in.

I have a baby. If a family member - grandparent/auntie/whatever - said they wanted to spend quality time with them, but used this time to watch hours of children's television (OP has clarified that DSis said that is all they did, despite everyone downplaying this) I would find it a little strange and actually be a bit disappointed for my baby. I want my baby to have opportunities to bond with their family members, but this isn't the way to do it.

I wouldn't ban visits but I would consider how much time my baby spent unsupervised with them if they can't think of anything better to do than watch television.

Perhaps OP could suggest this then.

Just say it seems cocomelon isn't for him so could she mix it up a bit if she uses the TV.

Insisting on supervised contact and all the rest is ridiculous though and I honestly think it just deprives her son more than anything else.

There is so much to be said for positive family relations between your family and your children. You have to look at things as a whole, not just an individual situation imo. What's worse? A relatively small amount of TV but getting to spend time and build a bond with OPs sister which will likely continue as he gets older or severing that to avoid a minimal amount of screen time which is unlikely to have any real impact on her son?

I roll my eyes sometimes when my mum and dad tell me he's had ice-cream AND chocolate with them that day but you know what? In the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal. He's not having it every single day, he eats healthily 99% of the time at home and the relationship he has with my parents is just worth so much more than fretting over a big of ice cream and chocolate.

If it were daily then that's different but it's not.

also my personal preference based on professional opinion

Does this mean you help make something you believe is harmful for children? Why would you continue to do that...?

And I disagree that TV can't be quality time as well. It depends on the mood obviously but me and my son love snuggling on the sofa and watching a film when he's a bit sleepy and I stroke his hair. It definitely is quality time. Not entirely the same as a 1 year old but tbh I don't know any 1 year old who'll just sit and stare at a telly for hours on end so I actually imagine she's probably playing and interacting with him at stages throughout anyway.

She's not taping his eyes open and sitting his high chair in front of the TV for 4 hours for goodness sake.

OP, I think this is a very reasonable & balanced way of looking at it - does it help you feel a little more relaxed? That DS is unlikely to be 100% absorbed by the TV?
Does DS, like many people, usually have the TV on as 'background', but is also chatting & playing with DS?

If you want this great relationship between DS & DC, & you want to breech the rift between you & DS, have a think about how you can re-jig the visits. And intersperse them with playtime at yours, so you can (without actually issuing 'instructions') show your sister what games & fun DS enjoys.