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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family won't respect our no screen policy foe DS

343 replies

MoMuM7 · 08/09/2022 07:19

I have a no screen policy for DS (1 yo). Everyone who watches him ie family, childcare knows this. I've recently discovered that my sister has been letting him watch TV for HOURS when he goes over to hers. She loves him to bits but why won't she abide by my rules? Is it really that hard to entertain a child? BTW she's single, lives alone and as far as I can tell has no other responsibilities/distractions that would cause her to plonk DD infront of the telly.
I have now decided she can only see him when I'm around. She's very upset. Family thinks im over reacting. AIBU?

OP posts:
greystarblanchard · 08/09/2022 10:09

SuperCamp · 08/09/2022 10:05

A close relationship with a loving aunt is more valuable than a few hours watching TV is harmful.

exactly this! The fact that you are willing to take away that quality time with his auntie over this will be much more detrimental to him than watching TV.

Pipsquiggle · 08/09/2022 10:11

YABU.

Have you told her how it overstimulates him?
Have you said, here's a few quid could you walk him to Costa for a babyccino - it really knackers him out?

If she doesn't look after him to 'your standards' don't let her look after him.

It sounds like PFB. Personally, if I got a few hours off to do other stuff and my baby was fed, watered, cared for etc I wouldn't care about screen time

Libre2 · 08/09/2022 10:11

Fwiw I agree with you. I would be cross as well. You can relax the no-screen rule when he’s a bit older but I think you’re right at the moment. Totally unnecessary at 1 and certainly for hours at a time. That is not “quality auntie time” at all.

7Worfs · 08/09/2022 10:11

OP, don’t let AIBU gaslight you - screens aren’t recommended for under 2s, and you absolutely can outline your parenting and if it doesn’t work for any paid/unpaid childcare provider, you just don’t hand over your child to them.

ohfook · 08/09/2022 10:13

Technically I suppose you're not wrong but it wouldn't be the hill that I'd choose to die on.

Unless she's doing something actually dangerous, I'd just let her forge her own relationship with him without trying to control it. In my opinion, children can't have enough people who love them and I wouldn't choose to risk a child's relationship with someone just because they weren't a stickler for my rules. I know the general consensus is your child, your rules but I think sometimes you just need to pick your battles - things I'm a stickler for are not swearing around the kids and correct car seats if you're taking them out, other things I just let go.

DragonflyNights · 08/09/2022 10:14

How did you discover she’s been letting him watch TV for hours?

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 08/09/2022 10:15

@7Worfs I had no idea what I was getting myself into 😅 the irony is that I work in children's TV. Bet that comment won't make me any new friends

OP posts:
7Worfs · 08/09/2022 10:15

It’s not the OP who is jeopardising the DC/auntie relationship - it’s the aunt going against the parental request for no TV.

zingally · 08/09/2022 10:16

Oh come on... Time to unclench. I'm sure your precious darling angel is the first precious darling angel to ever wander the earth... But a bit of CBeebies will cause them no harm.

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 08/09/2022 10:17

@DragonflyNights I went to pick up DS and found them watching TV. I calmly explained that I don't do screen time to which she said its not that harmful because they want it for hours on end and he's fine. He's not.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2022 10:17

The poor kid, let him watch some TV with his aunt ffs

KosherDill · 08/09/2022 10:17

Wexone · 08/09/2022 09:55

I recently baby sat my nieces ( no children myself) for family recently, a whole weekend. One day it was lashing down rain all day - yes we watched tv all day as nit much else to do. Lucky my family have no rules like this. They are three, but they weren't fully watching it. They were dancing to the songs, then got toys out that were the same characters as we were watching. They weren't sitting like zombies glued to the screen. They just don't have that attention span so i be surprised that your one year old had an attention span to watch the TV for hours on end. I am not surprised that your sister is hurt. I be very hurt to if i was told i couldn't mind my nieces or nephews. I am available to help out if asked, i dont expect payment for babysitting (they always leave me nice food or a takeaway voucher though) Raring children is hard work, dont knock any help you can get. Apologise to your sister . Pay for childcare in future,

HmmThere are myriad rainy day activities that don't require screens.

katepilar · 08/09/2022 10:17

ellieboolou · 08/09/2022 10:09

I don't get the no screen rule, what happens when he goes school / nursery? They do use screens there, pads, computers etc for learning purposes.

How do you know she lets him watch tv for hours?

No screens for a 1yo doesnt necessarily mean no screen for a school aged child. Unless you go ie. the Waldorf way where they have no screens until well into teenage years.

KettrickenSmiled · 08/09/2022 10:18

MoMuM7 · 08/09/2022 09:48

No, I don't pay her nor has she asked for payment. She basically takes him to hers for 'quality auntie time' and all they do is watch TV. No walks to the park, no playing with toys or reading books just TV. He's overestimated as a result which has thrown his sleeping schedule out of the window.

I have childcare so she really doesn't need to look after him. What I don't understand is why she doesn't care about how the screen time affects him. If it didn't I wouldn't mind. I suppose there's a bigger issue of respecting boundaries. I don't feel like she cares about any in regards to DS' feeding, naps etc. To me she wants to play the cool auntie which will be handy when DS is a teenager but he's a toddler.

If you choose to look after your nephew, there should be some level of responsible parenting involved??

And how much of this have you actually discussed with her?

The first time she looked after him for you, did you stay with her for a while, showing her his favourite toys & books that you'd brought round, teaching her how to interact with him? Show her how his pram works (modern ones can be baffling to the uninitiated)? Play some clapping games so she can pick up the words/songs he's familiar with?

Or have you just made a lot of assumptions, without being clear about what you want?

Have you had a calm discussion about how you believe TV overstimulates him, & what it does to his routine?

If you haven't done any of that, & are just here to vent - vent away! - get rid of your palpable frustration & anger & then start communicating properly.
Don't just punish your sister by removing your boy. She's doing you a big favour, & FFS she is your SISTER don't shit on the entire relationship by making this a stick to beat her with.

gatehouseoffleet · 08/09/2022 10:19

7Worfs · 08/09/2022 10:11

OP, don’t let AIBU gaslight you - screens aren’t recommended for under 2s, and you absolutely can outline your parenting and if it doesn’t work for any paid/unpaid childcare provider, you just don’t hand over your child to them.

His aunt is not a childcare provider. She is his aunt!

You're right when it comes to paid childminders etc, but you don't tell someone how to entertain your baby for hours on end when they are doing it for nothing and want to spend time with them.

People on here are not gaslighting, don't be ridiculous.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 08/09/2022 10:20

Respecting parent's decisions is important. I don't agree with a zero-screentime policy myself but that's totally irrelevant - if I was babysitting a child whose parents had a no-screentime policy I would abide by that. If you were clear with your sister that you didn't want your baby having any screentime and she deliberately ignored that then you are totally reasonable to be upset. Whether this means you can never trust her again is dependent on the individual - it would be good if you can try to give her a chance o demonstrate that she will respect your rules in future. There's a lot of years of auntying ahead and your child will benefit if it's possible for the trust to be rebuilt.

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 08/09/2022 10:21

@Pipsquiggle Whenever DS visits he comes back very hyper, not wanting to go to sleep. I didnt put two and two together until sis told me what they get up to on their visits. Sis earns alot more money than I do so she can afford a cuppa on her own dime.

OP posts:
Beees · 08/09/2022 10:23

MoMuM7 · 08/09/2022 10:21

@Pipsquiggle Whenever DS visits he comes back very hyper, not wanting to go to sleep. I didnt put two and two together until sis told me what they get up to on their visits. Sis earns alot more money than I do so she can afford a cuppa on her own dime.

That doesn't mean he's hyper because he has watched TV, he could be just as hyped up without it because he's spending time elsewhere with other people. It's like the age old sugar at parties argument.

gatehouseoffleet · 08/09/2022 10:23

There are myriad rainy day activities that don't require screens

yes of course there are, but not when a childfree person looks after a baby! It's much harder to entertain a child for hours. The lack of realism from some people on this thread is quite astonishing. Obviously when you have kids you have toys etc. We are also talking about a very young child here, not a 3 year old who can do a lot more activities.

And OP of course your baby was fine. Yes he might be overstimulated, so ask your sister if she can do something calm with him in the hour before you collect him like read a story. But you can't expect her to read him stories for hours.

girlmom21 · 08/09/2022 10:23

MoMuM7 · 08/09/2022 10:21

@Pipsquiggle Whenever DS visits he comes back very hyper, not wanting to go to sleep. I didnt put two and two together until sis told me what they get up to on their visits. Sis earns alot more money than I do so she can afford a cuppa on her own dime.

He's more likely to be hyper because he has excess energy than because he's watched tv

Original poster
MoMuM7 · 08/09/2022 10:25

@gatehouseoffleet I want them to have a great relationship! I also want my child to sleep...the question is how to balance that. I'm willing to compromise but if sis just dismisses my parenting structure, what do I do?

OP posts:
gatehouseoffleet · 08/09/2022 10:26

if I was babysitting a child whose parents had a no-screentime policy I would abide by that. If you were clear with your sister that you didn't want your baby having any screentime and she deliberately ignored that then you are totally reasonable to be upset

but other decisions by parents are much easier to comply with. If you told me no sweets, no chocolate and no fizzy drinks I'd abide by that. I would abide by nap times. But I would not be told how to spend hours entertaining a one year old. If you want to micro-manage to that extent I would say no to having the child for more than an hour or so at a time.

BadNomad · 08/09/2022 10:26

The hyperactivity will be due to the lack of exercise/activity, rather than the TV. He's not burning any energy while sitting watching TV for hours. It probably wouldn't be so bad if she did other things like take him out for walks or to the park.

But, she is wrong to go behind your back like that. She is wrong to undermine your choices. She is wrong to ignore your boundaries.

oakleaffy · 08/09/2022 10:26

Needmorelego · 08/09/2022 07:29

Did you tell her as you said it here - a "no screens policy"?
She might have thought that meant computers, phones or tablets.
Not a bit of Cbeebies !
Breathe my dear. Breathe.

THIS!
''Screens'' to me would mean a laptop or iPad or phone, not a television.
CBeebies and similar isn't going to harm your child in any way, and if she is doing it for free, it IS hard work looking after a young child, keeping them actively entertained all the time.

TheLoupGarou · 08/09/2022 10:28

@MoMuM7 now, your second post was a bit of a drip feed, as you say your sister doesn't stick to your son's routine in other ways. I am a bit more understanding of this as my DS1 was a bloody nightmare if he didn't nap or (worse) had a late afternoon nap.

I still don't believe a 1 year old has the attention span to sit and watch a lot of TV. Plus, you work in kids TV yourself???

I agree with other posters that loving family relationships are so important for kids as they are growing up. They are having quality time just by being together. My (then teenage) uncle used to babysit me when I was little while my gran did the school run for older cousins. Watching moomins and battle of the planets with him (yes, screen time in the 80's) is one of my oldest happy memories. We are still very close 40+ years later. I don't think a bit of TV at his aunt's house is harmful. It's certainly not worth falling out over.