Stepson joining my sons school

[Sunnymother1]

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

It's the adults who created the kids.

The kids will move on. Four years and both boys will head to university, if B is still there - and considering mum may come back in the middle of his A levels this may pretty much be that he's here for the rest of Monty and Boone's childhoods.

At that point OP and dp get the house back.

I am assuming you and your partner have the master/biggest room

Long term, could you swap with the boys. We had two boys sharing a room and they got the biggest room. It's more important for 2 teenage boys to have the extra space, rather than two adults who were intimate with each other. It is also a sacrifice for you and it is good to be willing to also make sacrifices so that Monty does not feel like it's all on him

Seriously. Mum who has raised this boy single handed for a decade while dad plays dad to someone else’s kid. Mum who I assume will be paying child support also had to pay to increase the value of another woman’s home just so her useless ex can accommodate his son???

that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

how many people pay to have a bedroom built on their ex’s house so their joint child can have somewhere to sleep while they are being parented???

he isn’t going to stay with some distant relative he is moving in with his dad

Can you afford to get a bigger place with the child maintenance I'm assuming you'll be getting from mum?

I agree with others, if that was me I'd also feel quite vulnerable and put upon. Especially my room. It would be different if the mum died or something, but your son is going to feel like this is all being put on him just because Boone didn't want to go with his mum (which is fair enough).

I think Boones mum also needs to step up here, given it's all for her career, and offer something to enable you to upsize your house.

@Brokendaughter

Why do you expect to put out one poor boy until the day he leaves home 24/7 because you have sex with the other boys father?

What a horrible attitude. Monty sees the DP as his dad, not as the man his mum has sex with. The DP has been in this boy’s life since he was 15!

he shouldn't be forced to share classes with the other boy just because it's more convenient for the adults.

OP can’t magic up another school you know. Boone will soon learn the walk to school himself.

Boys that age really need their own privacy. My own sons hate sharing!

If both bedrooms are small, is yours the biggest? If so, I would swap with them so you can put in a partition.

since he was 5, not 15

I’m wondering whether it would be better to let step son have the living room as his room so both boys have some privacy? Or even you and DH having your mattress in the living room so both boys have some space?

With the school thing, I can completely understand Monty's apprehension.

Like someone else said, they're two different people, yet when a new kid starts in school they always get a lot of attention, and people are bound to draw comparisons and make comments. If Boone turns out to be cooler than Monty, Monty will feel inferior and resentful. But if Boone turns out to be a bit uncool and unpopular, Monty will probably worry that it will reflect back on him. And the fact that at that age, children like to keep a bit of privacy between their friends and home life, whereas Boone will be breaching that barrier simply by being there. He's probably imagining that Boone's presence will upend his entire social life at school (and he may or may not be right).

When I was in high school actually, two of my cousins moved near us (one of them was particularly naughty and had been expelled from his previous school, although the other was fine) but we were so horrified at the thought of having them come to our school that my aunt and uncle actually agreed to send them to a school slightly further away.

But anyway, YANBU for taking Boone in and sending him to school, but YABVU for expecting Monty to be OK about it. If it has to be done then it has to be done, and Monty will have to get used to it, but at the very least he deserves some empathy and accommodation for the upheaval.

Again bizarre. Do many divorced couples pay for renovations so the other parent has room for their joint child?

am I living in a parallel universe here?

This is so sad. All the adults are doing whatever they want and you're leaving Monty to make all the sacrifices.

If you're forcing Monty to share a room, you simply don't have the space and shouldn't have agreed to take Boone in.

Although it can't be easy for Boone having his mother leave the country at this stage in his life.

If you read OP’s posts, you’ll see that this is what she is planning.

We have decided after a family meeting that Dottie (DD)and Monty will be sharing a room for a short amount of time - we have some spare ikea units so there will be some divide (enough room for monty’s bed and PlayStation). Boone wont move in till Monday so we can set up a bed and put his stuff in monty’s room for a short time. Boone wont start school for a week or so while everything is finalised so DP managed to take some time off of work to spend quality time with Boone and we plan to go on meals out a few times that first week or order a takeaway and have a movie night

Monty has come around to walking with Boone to school and showing him around a bit (I made sure that he doesn’t feel responsible for him but just that he can look out for Boone if he is lost)

Its definitely going to be a family adjustment and we are all loosing things in this but this is happening and am welcome to have have Boone live with us from now on

Did you miss the part that said she CHOSE to move 5 hours away?! I get why someone might, but that comes with consequences.

I'm also assuming she could find work in the UK, albeit maybe not as career impacting as the one abroad she's taken.

I don't care how long she's raised him alone (do we even know if she was alone, she may have/had her own partner for some/all of the time), she's his parent and it's very strange to put her career above him. I would never move out of the country my child lives in, ever. Even if I had put years in before. Well, especially if I had.

It sounds like dad stayed put when mum moved (again, she made the change, not him) and that limited the involvement he could have. That doesn't mean she can dump her son into a family he barely knows without any space for the kids to have privacy.

That is unfair. They have a child each, SS isn't lesser just because it's not his Mum's house - it's his Dad's house.

Biggest issue is definitely space at home. Hopefully the OP will be able to sort something to give them both some privacy.

No parallel universe. I think you're just cherry picking information.

@LastWordsOfALiar I personally do not like judging Boone’s mothers situation - she is moving to her new job with her short term BF and his son so I think Boone has felt pushed out of his home life with his mum so wants to try a different environment with no 3 year olds stealing his stuff and running about, I think in the long run this can work well we just need a bit of time to get adjusted

How are you all losing out? Doesn’t sound like you and the DH have lost out on much at all.

Just Monty and now his little sister. Are male/female combinations even appropriate at their ages?

Maybe it’s because I’m used to large schools, but being at the same school just doesn’t seem like a big deal, even with a couple of overlapping classes.

I wouldn’t expect Monty to escort on the first day though. That is dad’s responsibility.

the household is the real issue. Monty shouldn’t be expected to just give way to a virtual stranger. You should be looking for the impact of these changes to hit the adults as much as possible. At the same time, you shouldn’t be thinking of Boone as a visitor. This is your partner’s child. The fact that he has felt it acceptable to live so far away from his child is disturbing, but he has a chance to make up for that now.

Christ. I assumed mumsnet had a large percentage of high earners / middle class folk but the assumptions on this thread are calling.

Get a loft conversion - how many people do you know who can shell out for that on a whim without many years of saving / planning.

Build a garden room - see above.

OP needs to sleep in the dining room - to echo a PP, not everybody has a dining room. I know we don't.

In a few years both boys will be heading off to university - will they? How do you know that then? Where I'm from, among my very working class friends and acquaintances, only a small number of the DC's go on to further education.

It's like a revamped take on "can you dip into your savings?"

Check your privilege.

@EbbyEbs me and DP have to scrape by more along with the cost of living to feed another growing teenager. I also am missing out on quality time with my children and the dynamics are going to change in the house (but even with all of this we are still very happy to have Boone to live with us)

Seriously, how long can it take to move your bedroom into Monty’s room and Monty and Boone’s beds into your room. The partitioning can wait a few weeks if necessary but the bedroom swap can be done during one day over a weekend.

Why have they only seen each other at Christmas’s and don’t know each other well after 10 years ? I feel more sorry for the stepson to be honest

though sharing a room is a bad idea

Wow! That’s a big ask of anyone with the amount of notice being given here, and actually hats off to you for trying to make this work, but you are seriously underestimating the impact that his is going to have on your son. I think a serious sit down with your son, to discuss what options HE can see, and what HE needs, might help.
A coupe, of years ago, a young girl that worked in the same place as me, had a problem and I temporarily moved her into my own home, My biggest concern was her safety, followed by my own children having as little disruption to their lives as possible. That meant that she got my bedroom, while I camped out in the sofa in the living room. The reason I chose this, was that my own children would be comfortable disturbing me and still being able to access their living space without disturbing her, and she could have some privacy. If you don’t have a “spare” room, such a dining room, then I thin that at least on a temporary basis you need to give your room to your SS and move downstairs. Or even double up, with you in your daughters room and your husband with his son until you can sort out a longer term solution. I don’t think moving the two boys in together is in anyway going to work.
The VERY worst case scenario, where the boys HAVE to share a sleeping space (and I can’t reintegrate enough how hard I think you should be trying to avoid that scenario) is a space for your son to be able to get away, such as a shed/ man cave type thing.
As others have said, he probably needs reassuring that your husband is and always will his “dad” and nothing will change the love they have for each other.

I hope mum is planning to pay maintenance.