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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson joining my sons school

395 replies

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 18:43

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

OP posts:
LastWordsOfALiar · 07/09/2022 22:17

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 22:11

@LastWordsOfALiar I personally do not like judging Boone’s mothers situation - she is moving to her new job with her short term BF and his son so I think Boone has felt pushed out of his home life with his mum so wants to try a different environment with no 3 year olds stealing his stuff and running about, I think in the long run this can work well we just need a bit of time to get adjusted

It sounds like her situation is very irresponsible. The emotional impact on Boone could be huge.

You're reacting the best you can, but that doesn't mean the situation is good for Boone, or Monty.

Yes, Monty is now in with DD, but in the process they've now both lost their privacy and they're having the share with the opposite sex which isn't ideal, especially at those ages. A 14 year old boy needs privacy, I know I wouldn't want to share a room with one!

If this is a long term situation, ie more than 6-12 months, then I really think you need to look at ways of getting a 4th bedroom.

I doubt he's going to want to move back with her after effectively being abandoned. And in 3 years time he'll be 18, a time of great transition again. Obviously you're doing your best but what a crappy situation for Boone (and potentially your kids depending on how it all goes).

ElegantlyTouched · 07/09/2022 22:17

I think Monty should aet up a GoFundMe for the therapy he's going to need in the future. And don't be surprised if you have no relationship with him in the future, he's being treated appallingly. Being thrown out of his room to share with his sister, and then not getting his room back to himself, whilst his mother carries on her life regardless.

Original poster
Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 22:17

@HoppingPavlova We would need to dissatach the headboard of our bed and move a king sized bed so that means to dismantal it to slide it out of the door to put it in a room which will only fit the bed and one unit - it’s just really not feasible for our family - Monty and Dottie have already said they are happy to share a room for a short amount of time anyway

OP posts:
MarvelMrs · 07/09/2022 22:19

YABU to expect your DS to act maturely and show empathy. I would also have a conversation with your DS about how hard it will be for your DSS to be away from his own mum for so long. Your DS needs to understand this is a much bigger adjustment for him so kindness is needed.
However I would ask for your DSS to be in a different form group to your son.
Can you and your partner buy a good quality sofa bed and use the lounge as a bedroom so the kids can have their own? Or is your bedroom large enough to split in half and you take the smallest room?

Stripedbag101 · 07/09/2022 22:19

LastWordsOfALiar · 07/09/2022 22:08

Did you miss the part that said she CHOSE to move 5 hours away?! I get why someone might, but that comes with consequences.

I'm also assuming she could find work in the UK, albeit maybe not as career impacting as the one abroad she's taken.

I don't care how long she's raised him alone (do we even know if she was alone, she may have/had her own partner for some/all of the time), she's his parent and it's very strange to put her career above him. I would never move out of the country my child lives in, ever. Even if I had put years in before. Well, especially if I had.

It sounds like dad stayed put when mum moved (again, she made the change, not him) and that limited the involvement he could have. That doesn't mean she can dump her son into a family he barely knows without any space for the kids to have privacy.

Show quote history

I thought I had red all the spots but didn’t see the information that the mother chose to move five hours away. I get that she is choosing to move now - but I can’t see where she chose to move ten years ago.

if I missed this then sorry:

I still don’t think she should pay to build a room onto OPs house and I still think the dad should have made more effort over the years

expat101 · 07/09/2022 22:20

This should have been dealt with years ago with Boone staying with your family unit for weekend visits, school holidays and the like so his Father could step up and be a father to him, blending the new family dynamics while the children were still young.

In the short term, do you have a portable cabin hire business where you can long term hire a portable room that goes into the front garden or the like, for you and the partner, leaving the house bedrooms for the children or just to free up space within the house? That way Monty keeps what has always been his bedroom, DD still has hers, and Boone can go into yours or the newly cleared house space.

Boone's Father can step up and pay for the portable unit hire cost.

Original poster
Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 22:21

@ElegantlyTouched honestly worry about your own life - I posted on here to get opinions of what I can do. My son does not need bloody therapy he is fine thank you very much - yes he will have to share a bedroom but we can’t afford a bigger house at least at the moment like many other family’s and me and DP can’t sleep on top of our table that’s in our kitchen do you sound how rediculous this all sounds - my parents have also offered to help out if Monty and Dottie want to spend a few nights there for somewhere quieter (they are too old to offer them a bedroom full time and anyway I don’t want them to feel like they are being kicked out their own home)

OP posts:
Flutterbybudget · 07/09/2022 22:21

Stripedbag101 · 07/09/2022 22:05

Again bizarre. Do many divorced couples pay for renovations so the other parent has room for their joint child?

am I living in a parallel universe here?

Show quote history

Yes, most parents with good careers are expected to pay child maintenance which can be used for anything the child needs, including a mortgage or home improvements, or just the food they eat.

MarvelMrs · 07/09/2022 22:22

You say your bed would fit in the room with one unit. So I would say you should do this. Put the kids above yourself as it won’t be forever at their ages. It isn’t convenient. It is feasible.

whumpthereitis · 07/09/2022 22:23

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 22:15

@EbbyEbs me and DP have to scrape by more along with the cost of living to feed another growing teenager. I also am missing out on quality time with my children and the dynamics are going to change in the house (but even with all of this we are still very happy to have Boone to live with us)

Are you though? Because none of this sounds ‘happy’. It sounds more like your forcing positivity over an impending shitshow, that’s going to have long term repercussions for all the relationships in this family. It’s happening, sure (you say that like it’s something you have no choice over when in fact you do), so I hope this is worth the damage this is likely going to do to your long term relationships with your son.

SophieIsHereToday · 07/09/2022 22:23

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 22:17

@HoppingPavlova We would need to dissatach the headboard of our bed and move a king sized bed so that means to dismantal it to slide it out of the door to put it in a room which will only fit the bed and one unit - it’s just really not feasible for our family - Monty and Dottie have already said they are happy to share a room for a short amount of time anyway

You can make it work though. You could store only the clothes you need for the current season in the room you are sleeping in. Keeping some storage in the boys bigger room. Or putting some clothes storage in your lounge.

Everyone has to make sacrifices not just Monty. Feel sorry for Monty tbh

EbbyEbs · 07/09/2022 22:25

So it’s all sorted then … Monty has lost his bedroom entirely, Dottie now has to share a room with a teenage boy but hey … OP, DH and Boone all have their own rooms so “everyone” is happy

chinuptitsoutonwards · 07/09/2022 22:25

Honestly? That sounds horrific for your poor son.

The least I would do is swap rooms to give them the biggest and you take the midsize. I would then pay for a partitioned wall to go up and then they can have their own space.

Also I would send him to a different school. You are reducing his identity and trying to force him to absorb a new 'brother' who he has no relationship with. You can't just tell him to get on with it, have a little empathy!

nachoavocado · 07/09/2022 22:26

I get that dad lived 5 hours away from mum but why were there no regular holiday visits? Are there no flights? I mean I guess if there's airtravel involved covid screwed that up for a couple of years but still.

orangely · 07/09/2022 22:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

nachoavocado · 07/09/2022 22:27

EbbyEbs · 07/09/2022 22:25

So it’s all sorted then … Monty has lost his bedroom entirely, Dottie now has to share a room with a teenage boy but hey … OP, DH and Boone all have their own rooms so “everyone” is happy

Can't imagine the teens are happy.

They are going to be spending a lot longer in the bathroom just to get away from each other.

whumpthereitis · 07/09/2022 22:28

It seems like your number one priority is your husband and his son, and while you don’t want them to feel forced out, your actions suggest otherwise.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/09/2022 22:28

HopelesslyHopeful87 · 07/09/2022 19:17

Speaking from experience please don't do this. Particularly moving stepson into your sons bedroom.

As a family we were in a position where we had to move my dps teenage daughter in with us. We had no space but her mother had beat her and SS were involved so she had to come here. Her and my DD knew each other and already went to same school (only a year between them) and had spent time with us as a blended family so not exactly the same situation but putting stepdaughter into my dds bedroom caused such a divide. My DD felt so pushed out no matter how much reassurance I gave her, it caused a massive rift in the family. Stepdaughter ended up going back to her mum after a year but my DD has never been the same and it was the worst mistake as a parent I've ever made and I have so many regrets. At the time I couldn't see any other option but in hindsight it was a big mistake.

Stepdaughter has asked to come back since and I've flatly refused for the sake of my DD.

Op please think about your son and his space and privacy and security within the family unit. You will unwittingly remove all of this from him within one split decision.

You sent a child back to her abuser because your kid had her nose pushed out of joint?

nachoavocado · 07/09/2022 22:28

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Tbh I would stop thinking of it as a "blended family" its too early in the family relationship and should just be taken slowly slowly as can be.

EbbyEbs · 07/09/2022 22:28

nachoavocado · 07/09/2022 22:27

Can't imagine the teens are happy.

They are going to be spending a lot longer in the bathroom just to get away from each other.

Show quote history

Well, OP and Boone are happy and that’s all that matters apparently.

DH doesn’t appear to have an opinion either way does he

Stripedbag101 · 07/09/2022 22:30

Flutterbybudget · 07/09/2022 22:21

Yes, most parents with good careers are expected to pay child maintenance which can be used for anything the child needs, including a mortgage or home improvements, or just the food they eat.

Show quote history

I assume the mother will pay child maintainable like any decent parent. But the suggestion was she contributes to building costs. An extra room or loft conversion will run tens of thousands of pounds. This isn’t the few hundred a month child maintenance she will pay - this is a huge capital investment.

if op wants to use child maintenance to pay off a loan for house improvements - but I had interpreted this comment as an extra very large lump sum payment to build the child a bedroom on his dads house

Aubriella · 07/09/2022 22:31

OP, if you had posted that you said no to your 14yo step-son who has asked to move into his dad’s house because his mum is moving abroad with her new boyfriend and his 3yo son, you would have been crucified.

Step-mums can never win on MN.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/09/2022 22:31

Can you consider moving/extending or creating separate space for each boy.
😂

God bless mumsnet, where no problem is insurmountable so long as you throw £40-odd grand at it.

Snugglemonkey · 07/09/2022 22:32

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 07/09/2022 21:25

Very much against the grain here, but I feel really sorry for your ss. He didn't want to move countries and instead wants to live with his Dad, so its up to your dh to accommodate. Its a family he hardly knows, a new area, new school, no friends. I agree that this shouldn't be at your ds's expense and that your ds needs his privacy, so something else needs to be arranged so that ss has a permanent bedroom, not a sofa bed in the living room or a blow up bed in the dining room as some suggest. That's really crap.
Why would it be acceptable to send ss to a different school and why shouldn't your ds be welcoming enough to keep an eye out whilst he settles in. He shouldn't be treated as an inconvenience or a second class citizen. If he was a cousin your ds would be encouraged to take him under his wing until he settles.

I think most people can see how horrible it is for both boys. It need not be team Monty or team Boone. Neither boy is having an easy time.

My suggestion of an airbed, and I believe others too, was not for Boone. He is not an overnight visitor, he is a child of the family. The post about him only staying 1-3 years made me shudder. He is a family member and he is moving in. It blows my mind that he has not got a bed in his father's house already. The blow up bed was for op and DH in my mind, while they await a sofabed and turn a downstairs room into a bedroom, or divide an upstairs room.

LastWordsOfALiar · 07/09/2022 22:34

Stripedbag101 · 07/09/2022 22:19

I thought I had red all the spots but didn’t see the information that the mother chose to move five hours away. I get that she is choosing to move now - but I can’t see where she chose to move ten years ago.

if I missed this then sorry:

I still don’t think she should pay to build a room onto OPs house and I still think the dad should have made more effort over the years

Show quote history

How much effort, realistically, can someone make it their child is moved 5 hours away? It's too long for a child to travel every weekend or every other weekend. Even monthly it would feel too long to do it in one weekend. It sounds like dad saw him as he could.

Again, mum presumably didn't have to move 5 hours away. Even 2 hours would have been much better for Boone to keep his relationship with his dad.

It sounds like Boone has a very selfish mum who yes, did care for him solo at times and probably did invest a lot into him for much of his childhood, but who also made a father/son relationship very difficult and is now, effectively, abandoning her son for her 'new family'. Oh, and a job.

Poor Boone. He's lucky his dad and step family are being so positive about the situation. And I hope it all works out in the end. But I do feel for him, emotionally this is going to have a massive long term impact.