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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson joining my sons school

395 replies

Sunnymother1 · 07/09/2022 18:43

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

OP posts:
Playdoughcaterpillar · 07/09/2022 21:35

I can't believe you think this is OK. They need to be at different schools and not share a room or I think your son may hate you forever.

Aubriella · 07/09/2022 21:35

EbbyEbs · 07/09/2022 21:31

Yeah so the solution is for her and the DH to sleep downstairs until it’s done

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But there are probably reasons why this doesn’t work for them. For example, if the kids wake up early, they would wake up their parents if they came downstairs.

Stripedbag101 · 07/09/2022 21:37

EbbyEbs · 07/09/2022 21:34

Boone had a choice, Monty didn’t

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But poor Boone has had a crappy dad for the last ten years.

maybe he just wants to get to know his dad.

yes it’s unfair that monty would have had to share his room - but why punish Boone for his dad basically abandoning him and moving into a house that couldn’t accommodate him.

ImherewithBoudica · 07/09/2022 21:39

Very sorry for both boys, but Boone at least has made his preferred choices and had them respected. Monty's just been told everything's changing, you don't have your own room any more he's having it, there'll be major change and a new permanent person in the family, and there will be nowhere in your life you can escape it. I'm not surprised he's fed up and resistant, you're doing quite well that this is all he is so far.

If Boone's unhappy then he can go and live with mum, he always has an escape and alternative. If Monty's unhappy? Well at his age, he may just move in with mates until he's 18.

I second the fgs you suck up the disadvantage as parents, let the kids have upstairs and get a cheap inflatable bed from Amazon which can be there tomorrow and sleeping bag it until you can make more permanent arrangements. The two boys will both need their own space and own room if you are going to make this work. Best outcome, they may end up mates and make their own decisions on spending school/home and room time together. Worst outcome, this could seriously damage your relationship with Monty.

Lillith111 · 07/09/2022 21:45

Im also going to back up you having a cheap sofa bed from day 1. And you’re husband sounds like he has to step up - most people parent with a 9-5. Fgs poor Boone and monty

Wombat100 · 07/09/2022 21:46

EbbyEbs · 07/09/2022 21:25

She said she’s “looking into it” and it would take a few weeks. Why can’t she give up her room now and sleep downstairs until the room is split?

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Agreed. Mum and dad should buy a cheap blow up bed if they need to and camp out in the lounge until a more permanent solution can be found. Neither of the boys should be made to share when they barely know each other.

EbbyEbs · 07/09/2022 21:50

Stripedbag101 · 07/09/2022 21:37

But poor Boone has had a crappy dad for the last ten years.

maybe he just wants to get to know his dad.

yes it’s unfair that monty would have had to share his room - but why punish Boone for his dad basically abandoning him and moving into a house that couldn’t accommodate him.

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Why punish Monty?

Christmasiscominghohoho · 07/09/2022 21:51

Stripedbag101 · 07/09/2022 21:37

But poor Boone has had a crappy dad for the last ten years.

maybe he just wants to get to know his dad.

yes it’s unfair that monty would have had to share his room - but why punish Boone for his dad basically abandoning him and moving into a house that couldn’t accommodate him.

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That’s not months fault though is it.

Yet he’s the one getting the shit end of the stick.

Jewel7 · 07/09/2022 21:51

You need to listen to your sons concerns. For everyone in your house your step
son is just coming to live. For your son he is expected to give up his own space and his school space. That’s to much. That’s like a work colleague coming to share your bedroom without being invited! You need to sort the bedroom thing. Wether you can convert another area of the house. Or your son and daughter can share temporarily. Or rent somewhere bigger. There needs to be a better solution. Dining room/garage conversation…. The school thing will work ok but don’t expect him to involve step son. He needs to make his own friends. But please listen to your sons concerns. How frustrated he must be feeling.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 07/09/2022 21:52

Christmasiscominghohoho · 07/09/2022 21:51

That’s not months fault though is it.

Yet he’s the one getting the shit end of the stick.

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Monty*

EbbyEbs · 07/09/2022 21:52

Aubriella · 07/09/2022 21:35

But there are probably reasons why this doesn’t work for them. For example, if the kids wake up early, they would wake up their parents if they came downstairs.

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Tough. They should be the ones inconvenienced by the mess they have created. What if Boone gets up early and wakes Monty up or vice versa?

JustLyra · 07/09/2022 21:53

Aubriella · 07/09/2022 21:35

But there are probably reasons why this doesn’t work for them. For example, if the kids wake up early, they would wake up their parents if they came downstairs.

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So Monty should have his entire space disrupted in case Mum and Dad get disturbed of a morning?

They have three teens - they’re not likely to be tripping downstairs early doors

whumpthereitis · 07/09/2022 21:53

I suspect this will end horribly. Be prepared for this to have lifelong consequences in regards to your relationship with your son. Does your son have other relatives he can live with? He is at an age where he can vote with this feet and I wouldn’t be surprised it he looked for an out.

Branleuse · 07/09/2022 21:53

I think the way you are handling it, is setting their relationship up to fail. It doesnt have to take long to get a new bed. Go on facebook marketplace and you could pick one up tommorow.
You cant just cross fingers and hope for the best with this. You have to do this more slowly or they are going to end up hating each other, and that will of course put pressure on your relationship too.
They need seperate rooms. They need privacy. They arent brothers. They arent even friends yet

NCforthis864 · 07/09/2022 21:54

OP, you could pick up a sofa bed tomorrow at Argos or Ikea for you and partner to sleep on downstairs. You could stay temporarily there until you figure out how to accommodate the kids eg split your room into 2 for 3 years etc.

EachandEveryone · 07/09/2022 21:54

Loft conversion? Get mum to pay towards it maybe.

JustLyra · 07/09/2022 21:54

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 07/09/2022 21:25

Very much against the grain here, but I feel really sorry for your ss. He didn't want to move countries and instead wants to live with his Dad, so its up to your dh to accommodate. Its a family he hardly knows, a new area, new school, no friends. I agree that this shouldn't be at your ds's expense and that your ds needs his privacy, so something else needs to be arranged so that ss has a permanent bedroom, not a sofa bed in the living room or a blow up bed in the dining room as some suggest. That's really crap.
Why would it be acceptable to send ss to a different school and why shouldn't your ds be welcoming enough to keep an eye out whilst he settles in. He shouldn't be treated as an inconvenience or a second class citizen. If he was a cousin your ds would be encouraged to take him under his wing until he settles.

I’ve not seen a single post suggesting Boone have the living or dining room - everyone has suggested that the OP and her DP have the sofa bed or camp bed. Not the kid.

NCforthis864 · 07/09/2022 21:55

Garden room?

nachoavocado · 07/09/2022 21:56

JustLyra · 07/09/2022 21:54

I’ve not seen a single post suggesting Boone have the living or dining room - everyone has suggested that the OP and her DP have the sofa bed or camp bed. Not the kid.

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I agree. I think most posters are feeling sorry for both the kids!

latetothefisting · 07/09/2022 21:57

@DarkShade you come across as very, very privileged. You do realise that millions of households across the UK aren't lucky enough to have a separate dining room, right? It's not a basic right. Most people I know don't have one. They (we!) usually have some form of table albeit either in the kitchen or living room, we don't eat in our bedrooms ffs. If OP doesn't have a separate dining room then that's the moot point, not where they'll eat if they give it up!

nachoavocado · 07/09/2022 21:57

EbbyEbs · 07/09/2022 21:52

Tough. They should be the ones inconvenienced by the mess they have created. What if Boone gets up early and wakes Monty up or vice versa?

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I agree. It's the adults who created this mess

Stripedbag101 · 07/09/2022 21:58

EbbyEbs · 07/09/2022 21:50

Why punish Monty?

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I agree - I have said it’s unfair on monty.

but everyone is ignoring the awful family dynamic here that poor Boone is basically a stranger in his dads house.

all the kids are suffering because OP’s husband was a shit dad

it’s an awful situation. Monty has to sacrifice privacy and space to allow Boone to have a dad.

the parents need to move or do something to get more space.

neither but should be made to sacrifice.

the dad is getting over very light - Boone and OP are getting the bashing on this thread. Most sympathy to monty - no one asking where the hell had dad been

blameitonthecaffeine · 07/09/2022 21:59

Are you 100% sure they will be in the same school year? Unless Boone has turned 15 in the last few days or you live in Scotland/NI, he will be going into Year 11 and Monty into Year 10.

Even in Scotland, NI there were younger children in each group than there are in England, not older ones.

I do feel sorry for both boys but more so for Boone. His life is being completely uprooted. Monty has a right to be upset about the bedroom but the rest seems a bit unfriendly. Unless Boone has been unpleasant to him in the past.

Brokendaughter · 07/09/2022 21:59

Why do you expect to put out one poor boy until the day he leaves home 24/7 because you have sex with the other boys father?

He will lose half his personal living space while nobody else in the house loses any, his privacy in his room for the rest of his childhood AND you expect him to help this other boy settle in/learn how to get to school etc..

You & your OH should be the ones permanently losing your room & he shouldn't be forced to share classes with the other boy just because it's more convenient for the adults.

Are you going to start trying to force him to 'make other boy feel welcome/introduce him to his friends & possibly share them & all the other things to keep the man you have sex with happy?

At his age, he wants to do things in his room he absolutely doesn't want an audience for.
So does the other boy for that matter.
You have 2 boys in the middle of puberty who barely know each other forced into one house & you are giving them NOWHERE to go to get away from each other.

Why are you making this a childs problem & why do you think it's okay for any of it to be dumped on his shoulders?

Aubriella · 07/09/2022 21:59

EbbyEbs · 07/09/2022 21:52

Tough. They should be the ones inconvenienced by the mess they have created. What if Boone gets up early and wakes Monty up or vice versa?

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Maybe the kids don’t want their parents to overtake the living room?

Why not ask OP why the living room isn’t an option instead of making assumptions?

OP is a woman who has opened her home to her step-son at short notice, I don’t doubt she would give up her room as soon as she can, in a way that suits the whole family.