Stepson joining my sons school

[Sunnymother1]

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

God forbid you and your husband would put yourselves out!

But your son moving in with his sister messes up yet another child. The kids need a room each. That should be your starting premise. You have no more choice but to move downstairs that you would have if your bedroom ceiling fell in. You just have to do it. Long term, you can maybe divide a room, but not now.

Confusingly the OP says her son and daughter are ok sharing a room because "all they do is sleep in it". So what's the problem with the boys sharing?

Exactly. OP is refusing to acknowledge any posts suggesting she and the DH put themselves out in any way

What on earth are you on about? How has OP been selfish? She’s opened up her home to this boy.

Does the word ‘step-mother’ trigger you to instant frothing, regardless of the facts?

The whole setup seems madness. Did the mum really need to upsticks and leave Boone during his vital exam period? I think she’s been incredibly selfish here as she’s turned his world upside down.

if Monty isn’t keen on the idea, you have a real risk that Boone arrives, misses his mum, misses his friends and home and then gets made to feel shit. Similarly, Monty is likely to resent it.

Maybe because she has already said her and DP are looking to give their own room for the boys and split it into two?

Why not read her posts?

Some of these suggestions seem mad to me. I think more or less you're doing the right thing OP. If I were you I would move down to the living room while you sort out your room divided, and Boone can sleep in your room while this happens.

The dining room idea - what on earth, where are the family going to eat? It is far more important if you're blending your family that you have a space to all sit around the table and eat dinner. Making it into a bedroom and what, eat on your beds?

I don't think you should insist that the boys walk together. The first day, yes, but after that no. You could suggest to the school that they buddy him up with someone as they would any new kid, that way your son does not feel it's all on him?

It's stressful now but Hopefully this will all be a positive. Boone will get time with his dad, your step son will really be part of the family day to day, he will get a relationship with his half sister and step brother, the boys will be friends and entertain each other at home.

I have to say though, it can't have been easy for Boone to know that the father who never sees him was away parenting a boy his own age this whole time. If you think it's appropriate and he can be trusted to be tactful about it, perhaps open dialogue with your DS about how lucky you have all been to have DP and how Boone has not had this, and now it's time to step up for him.

@Aubriella apologies. I may have miss read some of the OP first post but she seems to be not wanting Boone there (refering to him "staying" not living there). Maybe selfish is the wrong word? It's more she seems oddly angry at the school for putting the boys together - why? Does it matter? I mean really - all Monty has to do is say to his mates "erm...yeah...this is Boone. He's my step bro" and the mates would say "Hello Boone...nice to meet you mate".
(I have nothing against Step-Mothers. I'm not even sure what you are on about there)

@Needmorelego I’m very happy to have Boone staying here - me and his mother have quite a good relationship and often keep each other updated on our lives.

and I don’t care that they might put the boys together it’s just that Monty dosnt want that and I am trying to resolve this massive mess that this is and try and make everyone happy which is proven really hard

She said she’s “looking into it” and it would take a few weeks. Why can’t she give up her room now and sleep downstairs until the room is split?

FGS, yes YABU. Poor Monty. Why should he have to share a room with some boy he doesn’t know that well because of your (and DSS’ mum) poor decision making? Honestly this is why half the time blended families don’t work, because by putting Boone first, you’re putting Monty last.

To be honest I think the only thing that would actually work is a) upsizing your house so they could have separate rooms and b) sending Boone to a different school. But clearly none of these things are practical so you’re just going to have to get on with it. And you shouldn’t make your son feel bad for, ‘making Boone feel unwelcome’ because ultimately it’s not his problem, it’s yours. If Boone doesn’t like it he can always go and stay with his mum.

Very much against the grain here, but I feel really sorry for your ss. He didn't want to move countries and instead wants to live with his Dad, so its up to your dh to accommodate. Its a family he hardly knows, a new area, new school, no friends. I agree that this shouldn't be at your ds's expense and that your ds needs his privacy, so something else needs to be arranged so that ss has a permanent bedroom, not a sofa bed in the living room or a blow up bed in the dining room as some suggest. That's really crap.
Why would it be acceptable to send ss to a different school and why shouldn't your ds be welcoming enough to keep an eye out whilst he settles in. He shouldn't be treated as an inconvenience or a second class citizen. If he was a cousin your ds would be encouraged to take him under his wing until he settles.

This

@Needmorelego I think you’re reading too much into it.

OP is being very nice and accommodating to Boone.

Nothing OP has said indicates she is angry at Boone or the school. I don’t even know why you would think that. This is what I mean by frothing, you have made a judgement about OP with zero evidence.

You've just thrown a grenade in your son's life. What a very sad situation all round.

I think he should go with his mum, to be honest, what can possibly be worse than sharing the room and upending the lives of near-strangers? He'll regret it. His mum should be highlighting why starting a new life abroad is better than cluttering up someone else's room in the UK.

@Sunnymother1 I apologise to you..I think I read some of your posts a bit wrong.

@dontyouwishyourgirlfriendwas Exactly. Blended family my arse, I'd be telling the partner to leave and set up home with his son. I wouldn't trash my own son's life in this way. Dad and son can take a flat and visit.

@Aubriella yes I have realised I miss read some parts and have apologised to @Sunnymother1 (see above).

Because presumably she needs to hire someone to build the temporary partition wall? Because they may need to wait for payday to be able to pay for it? Because the handyman/woman may be busy and can’t do the work for a few weeks?

Lots of reasons why it takes time to split a room than just OP not wanting to put herself out.

This is awful.

this boy is moving to live with his dad.

yes his dad has been rubbish up to now. But he isn’t moving in with strangers he is going to live at his dads house.

Fair play for apologising, very few people do that. 😊

Yeah so the solution is for her and the DH to sleep downstairs until it’s done

Why all the poor Monty posts but lack of poor Boone posts?

Can you imagine living in a new house with people you barely know and can tell don't want you there!?

Boone had a choice, Monty didn’t