For the way I described HIV to my daughter?

[maloofshoof]

I met with my daughters dad today (we had some childcare issues to sort out). My daughter is 9, and last night she asked me what HIV was. I asked her where she had heard about that but she wouldn't tell me, kept saying she was unsure but had heard about it.

I was on the spot, we were driving to an after school club and so I said something along the lines of that it was a virus that erupted in the 80s and that they thought it started from gay men having sex but it turned out that it was a virus that could be spread by blood etc and so women, needle users etc could get it too. I said that in the 80s if someone had it they would die but now there is medicine that allows people with it to live a relatively normal life (bearing in mind I am no expert and was put on the spot with this question). Perhaps I should have said I'll explain later and done a bit of research but I didn't.

When I told my ex today he was really 'appalled'. He said he can't believe I taught our daughter that HIV was spread between only gay men when that was only propaganda and how the media portrayed it. He said I really messed up an educational opportunity with homophobic undercurrents (not homophobic in the slightest, in fact I have been with women and two of my close friends are gay).

I was taken aback and tried to explain myself but he was really upset and left on quite unpleasant terms.

Did I totally fuck up?

You should have done your research , appalling .

"A disease" would have sufficed. Giving her a clumsy lecture about gay men and needles at 9 means she's got half a jumbled up Wikipedia page. Simple question, simple answer.

He must be a bit hard of thinking. You didn't say that at all. You said that in the beginning it was thought it started by gay men having sex... and then you said that it was discovered that wasn't the case.

I'm not saying you gave the best explanation by the way, just that it wasn't homophobic etc.

I don't think you needed to give the whole backstory.

You're right. I just felt really put on the spot and that I had to give her an explanation but looking back, you're right, she didn't need that.

I'm confused. Either you explained it as posted in your op, and your dh has completely got the wrong end of the stick, or you didn't 🤷🏻‍♀️

YANBU - I don’t think that’s an objectionable explanation

I can see why he’s annoyed, I think at 9 she’s not going to fully understand/remember, and May get it confused.

The basics of its a disease, thankfully now there’s a cure, why are you asking, would have sufficed. Then depending on where she heard it from you could have gone into more details for context for her to make sense of what she had heard.

I explained it exactly how I did in the op. However I tried to explain and explain to my ex and he kept chastising me for fucking up so badly.

I think the back story is irrelevant at best. Also you down played it horrifically, I feel to mention a link between gay men and HIV requires a big discussion on the stigma it carried to be gay, and how appallingly gay people were treated, including not being treated if they were HIV positive.

Well.its true it was believed that only gay men could get it at first ,It was originally named GRIDS ,but it became apparent that anyone could get it ,it did remain more prevalent though with iv drug users, sex workers ,people with haemophilia and gay men that's not untrue

Oh Christ you didn't fuck up. Your child asked you told your child the TRUTH. She will thank you for the truth in years to come and trust you on other topics

Yeah, you fucked up.

Is he normally v critical of your parenting. I'd be a bit 🙄 if DH had said what you did, because she's likely to remember gay men, sex, needles. Total over kill. However it's not homophobic.

What did she say afterwards?

Surely you could have just said it was a virus? A bit like Covid.

I'm sure my kids asked what it was about and I said that. That was the end of the conversation.

YANBU
It was a truthful explanation but you maybe didn't need as much detail.

I don't think there was any need to bring 80s misconceptions into it unless specifically asked.

feel to mention a link between gay men and HIV requires a big discussion on the stigma it carried to be gay, and how appallingly gay people were treated, including not being treated if they were HIV positive.

Pretty lengthy discussion for a car run to an after school club and a bit heavy for a nine year old to digest in the very short period of time OP had.

I think you're overstating how grateful a 9 yo will be to be told as a kid that AIDS was believed to be a gay man disease. She's hardly going to have felt betrayed if op had simply left out the gay men, druggies and prostitutes.

I don’t think it was the worst explanation in the world and I appreciate you were on the spot, but I do think introducing the background of gay sex into it was a mistake and yes, could be said to have ‘homophobic undercurrents’. We do have a responsibility how we talk about stuff like this.

That said, your ex is overreacting and I wouldn’t worry too much.

It isn't at all like covid though is it ,I'm old enough to remember the terrifying tombstone adverts ,don't die of ignorance ,however ,unlike covid though you couldn't just catch on a bus ,at school etc .

I think I'll have to do a do over. This genuinely wasn't my intention.

I think you focused a bit too much on the 80s and what’s more relevant is today, but you were on the spot so I can understand. I don’t think saying it was originally seen as a gay man disease but they’ve since learned it’s not is terribly homophobic - it’s saying how homophobic the times were. There will be other opportunities to make it clearer and explain it’s transmitted through blood and sexual contact, but she’s probably a bit young yet.

FWIW I think I’d have said it’s a disease that affects the immune system which means your body can’t fight off other diseases. It used to be fatal but it is treatable now with the right medication.

Just to add when I said it can be spread through sex she said, 'well you must have it since you've had sex with loads of folk' 😬 she thinks sex is kissing.