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Original poster

For the way I described HIV to my daughter?

245 replies

maloofshoof · 07/09/2022 18:23

I met with my daughters dad today (we had some childcare issues to sort out). My daughter is 9, and last night she asked me what HIV was. I asked her where she had heard about that but she wouldn't tell me, kept saying she was unsure but had heard about it.

I was on the spot, we were driving to an after school club and so I said something along the lines of that it was a virus that erupted in the 80s and that they thought it started from gay men having sex but it turned out that it was a virus that could be spread by blood etc and so women, needle users etc could get it too. I said that in the 80s if someone had it they would die but now there is medicine that allows people with it to live a relatively normal life (bearing in mind I am no expert and was put on the spot with this question). Perhaps I should have said I'll explain later and done a bit of research but I didn't.

When I told my ex today he was really 'appalled'. He said he can't believe I taught our daughter that HIV was spread between only gay men when that was only propaganda and how the media portrayed it. He said I really messed up an educational opportunity with homophobic undercurrents (not homophobic in the slightest, in fact I have been with women and two of my close friends are gay).

I was taken aback and tried to explain myself but he was really upset and left on quite unpleasant terms.

Did I totally fuck up?

OP posts:
x2boys · 07/09/2022 18:40

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2022 18:36

I think you're overstating how grateful a 9 yo will be to be told as a kid that AIDS was believed to be a gay man disease. She's hardly going to have felt betrayed if op had simply left out the gay men, druggies and prostitutes.

Show quote history

It was though it was originally named gay related immune deficiency syndrome ,or GRIDS obviously it was discovered pretty quickly it wasn't just confined to Gay men ,I have watched a lot of Aids documentary, s it affected the gay community terribly and they were treated terribly.

Original poster
maloofshoof · 07/09/2022 18:40

knackeredagain · 07/09/2022 18:38

I think you focused a bit too much on the 80s and what’s more relevant is today, but you were on the spot so I can understand. I don’t think saying it was originally seen as a gay man disease but they’ve since learned it’s not is terribly homophobic - it’s saying how homophobic the times were. There will be other opportunities to make it clearer and explain it’s transmitted through blood and sexual contact, but she’s probably a bit young yet.

FWIW I think I’d have said it’s a disease that affects the immune system which means your body can’t fight off other diseases. It used to be fatal but it is treatable now with the right medication.

Ahhh see I would have said what you suggested if I'd done my bloody research 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/09/2022 18:41

I think you seemed on the back foot from the off, questioning her on how she heard about it, making it sound really mysterious and a bit taboo that she’s asking. In essence, it is just a question like ‘What’s Covid?’ - HIV is a disease that used to be really serious as there was no effective treatment and lots of people died. Now there’s drugs to help people infected live a long life but there’s still no cure.

NoSquirrels · 07/09/2022 18:43

maloofshoof · 07/09/2022 18:40

Just to add when I said it can be spread through sex she said, 'well you must have it since you've had sex with loads of folk' 😬 she thinks sex is kissing.

Ah, then now is a good time to correct that misunderstanding! By 9 you really need to know a bit more than that unless you’re hoping school will do the whole job for you.

Heaviestdirtyestsoul · 07/09/2022 18:44

Do you know, my 10 year old DS asked me about this just a few days ago, I gave a similar explanation, but emphasised the people thought it was spread by gay sex, but they were wrong, and we talked a little about the stigma attached to it and how people were wrong about that too. I let him lead the questions and answered them briefly but he seemed satisfied.

Leafy3 · 07/09/2022 18:44

A bit clumsy but I don't think you said anything wrong. You weren't homophobic but explained the homophobic history and I think that's important.

Im guessing your ex has never been one for listening?

I think you could build on your initial explanation...maybe find out where she heard about it and in what context. Make sure she understands the original thinking was v wrong (explain the homophobia age appropriately) and use it as a safety talk for never touching any needles she finds, and making sure she reports it if she does.

You could start by asking her to explain it back to you so you can get a feel for what she understood and clarify any muddled points.

IncompleteSenten · 07/09/2022 18:44

You described it accurately though.

You told her they thought. Which is true. It was initially thought that it affected gay men only. You said it transpired they were incorrect in that assumption. Again. True.

I think you went into far too much detail. You should have just said that it is a virus and that although years ago it did kill people, nowadays there are good medications to combat it and most people are ok.

See where she went after that and go from there.

You don't give them too much information. You feed them a bit and see how they respond. That way you know what it is they are asking rather than drowning them in lots of stuff that they weren't actually asking you and didn't need to know.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 07/09/2022 18:46

I am genuinely confused by some of these responses. You seem to be falling over yourselves to deny that it was ever a disease which featured strongly on the gay community? Is that fact seen as homophobic now? Because I was a young adult in the 1980s and it was very clearly running rampantly though the gay community. Of course - even then - it was known that other people got it too, depending on their risk profile. But to deny the tragic experience of the gay community in this way seems very strange.

At one point in the early 1990s I counted up that I had lost 17 friends to AIDS. All were gay men. Thank goodness for better medicine now.

Can someone kindly explain why stating this history is wrong?

oakleaffy · 07/09/2022 18:46

“HIV is s blood- bourne and also sexually transmitted virus “ would have sufficed.
Just re explain.

Johnnysgirl · 07/09/2022 18:49

Can someone kindly explain why stating this history is wrong?
Not me Confused I'm gobsmacked at the "homophobic undertones" posts...

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/09/2022 18:50

x2boys · 07/09/2022 18:31

Well.its true it was believed that only gay men could get it at first ,It was originally named GRIDS ,but it became apparent that anyone could get it ,it did remain more prevalent though with iv drug users, sex workers ,people with haemophilia and gay men that's not untrue

Exactly, you didn't fuck up OP.

NoSquirrels · 07/09/2022 18:50

Can someone kindly explain why stating this history is wrong?

It’s not wrong, but it’s not denying the history to not provide the history in response to a 9-year-old asking ‘What is HIV?’

You can just answer that question- what is HIV. Then if they say, but I heard something that someone said it means you’re gay, or whatever, then the history is relevant. Otherwise it’s not relevant at that point in order to answer the question.

People should understand the history of how it affected the gay community so severely and fuelled fear and homophobia, but in the correct context for those discussions.

Undertheoldlindentree · 07/09/2022 18:50

My daughter asked about it and I didn't think to mention homosexuality at all. Why bring up outdated misconceptions? Have you also told her that the earth is flat? 🙄

KhaleesiDothraki · 07/09/2022 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Previously banned poster - this has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OneFrenchEgg · 07/09/2022 18:51

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 07/09/2022 18:46

I am genuinely confused by some of these responses. You seem to be falling over yourselves to deny that it was ever a disease which featured strongly on the gay community? Is that fact seen as homophobic now? Because I was a young adult in the 1980s and it was very clearly running rampantly though the gay community. Of course - even then - it was known that other people got it too, depending on their risk profile. But to deny the tragic experience of the gay community in this way seems very strange.

At one point in the early 1990s I counted up that I had lost 17 friends to AIDS. All were gay men. Thank goodness for better medicine now.

Can someone kindly explain why stating this history is wrong?

I'm glad you added that. I'm 50 and very clearly remember it, with the high incidence rates in the gay community and the tragedies of young death and disease at the time.

knackeredagain · 07/09/2022 18:51

Out of interest, how did she react OP?

steff13 · 07/09/2022 18:53

If she doesn't know what sex is, I wouldn't have that into it at all. I would have said it's a virus that causes your immune system to be suppressed, and it used to be very serious but now there are effective treatments for it. She doesn't need to know all the ins and outs at the age of 9.

NoSquirrels · 07/09/2022 18:54

To explain why I can see where her ex is coming from on ‘homophobic undertones’ - it’s not that explaining the history is homophobic in itself (clearly it’s not).

But because the OP led the answer to the question ‘What is HIV?’ with connecting it straight away to people being gay … it doesn’t matter that the intent was just to explain the history, it’s immediately made HIV = gay disease the first answer the child hears. Not HIV = disease that affects immune system.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/09/2022 18:55

Well you weren't wrong, it was originally thought to be a disease in gay men. That part of history doesn't just go away. You explained that was incorrect to her. It's not homophobic.

x2boys · 07/09/2022 18:56

OneFrenchEgg · 07/09/2022 18:51

I'm glad you added that. I'm 50 and very clearly remember it, with the high incidence rates in the gay community and the tragedies of young death and disease at the time.

Show quote history

So true and if anyone has seen "its a sin "it clearly shows how disproportionately it affected gay men it had a devastating affect on their community.

MessyBunPersonified · 07/09/2022 18:57

In your daughters mind you just told her HIV can be spread by kissing.

I would work on the sex education before explaining something as complex as HIV and the history behind it tbh.

Anytimeiseeit · 07/09/2022 18:57

Undertheoldlindentree · 07/09/2022 18:50

My daughter asked about it and I didn't think to mention homosexuality at all. Why bring up outdated misconceptions? Have you also told her that the earth is flat? 🙄

Come on! the history of gay men and hiv is hugely important to not forget. It’s an important part of history where gay men were treated terribly, that should not be erased.
no need for comparisons with flat earth and all the eye rolling

Thurlow · 07/09/2022 18:58

Heaviestdirtyestsoul · 07/09/2022 18:44

Do you know, my 10 year old DS asked me about this just a few days ago, I gave a similar explanation, but emphasised the people thought it was spread by gay sex, but they were wrong, and we talked a little about the stigma attached to it and how people were wrong about that too. I let him lead the questions and answered them briefly but he seemed satisfied.

My 10yo asked the other day too and I also talked briefly about the original stigma around it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with mentioning that at all - it’s a true part of the history of the disease is terms of how appallingly people were treated. Children don’t need to be entirely wrapped in kid gloves. We then talked about how there are much better treatments and preventative methods, and I got in another sneaky reminder about condoms, in the hope if condoms get mentioned every now and again in relevant conversations is will sink in in the back of her mind when she does grow up and become sexually active.

LadybirdsAreNeverHappy · 07/09/2022 18:59

oakleaffy · 07/09/2022 18:46

“HIV is s blood- bourne and also sexually transmitted virus “ would have sufficed.
Just re explain.

To a 9yo?

Leafy3 · 07/09/2022 18:59

BTW pretty sure I was age when hiv was explained on blue Peter to distigmatise the disease. Nothing wrong with her knowing that there used to be an unfounded stigma against it.