For the way I described HIV to my daughter?

[maloofshoof]

I met with my daughters dad today (we had some childcare issues to sort out). My daughter is 9, and last night she asked me what HIV was. I asked her where she had heard about that but she wouldn't tell me, kept saying she was unsure but had heard about it.

I was on the spot, we were driving to an after school club and so I said something along the lines of that it was a virus that erupted in the 80s and that they thought it started from gay men having sex but it turned out that it was a virus that could be spread by blood etc and so women, needle users etc could get it too. I said that in the 80s if someone had it they would die but now there is medicine that allows people with it to live a relatively normal life (bearing in mind I am no expert and was put on the spot with this question). Perhaps I should have said I'll explain later and done a bit of research but I didn't.

When I told my ex today he was really 'appalled'. He said he can't believe I taught our daughter that HIV was spread between only gay men when that was only propaganda and how the media portrayed it. He said I really messed up an educational opportunity with homophobic undercurrents (not homophobic in the slightest, in fact I have been with women and two of my close friends are gay).

I was taken aback and tried to explain myself but he was really upset and left on quite unpleasant terms.

Did I totally fuck up?

Why too much irrelevant and inappropriate information in there for a 9 year old bloody hell 😳

Probably a bit to much history in the explanation, but hey ho. Why was she asking about HIV (I would want to know where that came from). And who the hell does the ex think he is to criticise you, that would be a IDGAF what you think from me.

This would have been better than discussing needle users to a nine year old in a complex talk about HIV

What a strange way to respond.

Surely “it’s an immune disease which means you get ill more easily but you can take medicine which makes you just as healthy as anyone else”

My daughter asked about HIV earlier this week and how it was caught. I gave her some of the history of the disease similar to you @maloofshoof. She’s 14 though and LGBTQ+ so I felt it was important to talk about the stigma and the devastating effect it had on the community.

I genuinely don’t think you said anything wrong whatsoever. I think some people are extremely overprotective of children. Your explanation covered a lot of bases so I would say it was actually pretty good. Kids want and deserve the truth.

I thought you did good OP. Jeez, not every answer we give can be perfectly nuanced to accommodate all historical bias and prejudice in a given situation. It’s always something you can pick up again with your DD. Surprised at some of the responses here.

YABU your explanation would have suited a teenager maybe as the media definitely portrayed gay men as the cause of HIV and it did create a lot of extra homophobia.

If you have anal sex you are more likely to get HIV so it is factually accurate that gay men are more likely to have it and spread it than heterosexual men.
It was also seen as the gay disease which is why there is still so much stigma around it even today.
I believe this is why Freddie Mercury kept it quiet for so long.
It was also very prevalent in African countries, again something with a stigma attached to it.

However, you didn’t need to include any of this to your DD, especially at 9.

That’s like her asking what covid is and you saying about all of the theories surrounding it and how it started etc.

At that age you just need to stick to the simple facts about the disease itself and not go into lots of detail.

I wouldn’t worry about it @maloofshoof. Yes you probably could have either just stuck to just the medical facts, or given the sort of explanation you did but at a time when there was more time to discuss prejudices, inequality of medical care etc.

But realistically you were caught on the hop, who is word perfect all the time and you didn’t say anything awful, factually wrong or undoable. You can always just have another conversation with her about it, and say you were a bit ruched when she asked and you wanted to chat about it again. Sounds like your ex is trying to make you feel bad about what was at worst an innocent mistake and at best, a bit of rushed parenting.

You could have just explained it without mentioning the 80s and the media hysteria relating to gay men. It's not relative right at this moment to the situation

@iklboo i guess my point, clumsily made, was if you're not going to explain it properly then don't start.

She's rewriting history because she massively minimising the story when it comes to gay men. "They thought it started with gay men having sex" (to a child who thinks sex is kissing btw) is only telling a tiny tiny part of the story so either tell it properly or don't. Would you mention vaccines and Autism in an explanation on autism? They thought it was started by vaccines but it wasn't.

Mention the effect HIV had in the gay community. Mention the effect the misconception of the origin of HIV had on the gay community fine, but "they thought it was caused by gay men having sex, but it wasn't" is a mad inclusion to me. Either insufficient or unnecessary (again to a child who doesn't bloody understand what sex is)

I think a virus transmitted via body fluids would have been enough?! Not sure you needed to bring homosexuality into it.

Far too much information that would be difficult to process and/or easily mis-remembered by a 9-year-old! However I think your ex is making an extra big deal out of it because he doesn't like you.

I don’t see how explaining the history of something to your child is bad? 9 year olds are pretty clever, you are describing changing/improving social norms. AIDS being something attributed to moral panic about homosexuality in the 80s is a pretty major thing about it’s history, and is interesting. Talking about something bad that happened to homosexuals isn’t homophobic!

@iklboo
Couldn't agree more!

OP you have literally told her the truth about it. Now you can go further detail about the stigma etc. But the truth is the truth. It was mainly spread between gay men.

Again a nine year old does not need to know this stuff, but I don't see anything wrong with pointing out to a teenage girl that the risk of AIDs is from unprotected anal sex (rather than a 'disease among gay men'). Especially given the vastly increased numbers of straight men who will pester and pressurise girls and women for this. It's not a safe way of having sex without having to worry about contraception. Nothing wrong with explaining that it can cause tearing and damage, and carries far higher risks for the receptive partner.

Why at her age does she think sex is kissing?!

Ffs you haven't just butchered this you seem to not have discussed anything properly with her

I can understand why your ex was upset because it's perpetuating a homophobic slur to make the link between gay men and HIV. I know you said it was in the past and wrong but now that link has now been taught to your daughter and without the bigger conversation about persecution IYSWIM.

I don't think it's a bust though and you can have a proper sit down explanation especially about the history since you brought that aspect up and just the facts about the virus, eg that it is extremely hard to contract so you can't catch it just by kissing or touching or coughing etc. X good luck OP

I would have said similar to you, OP. I always try to give background. If it hadn't started with gay men, it would have been taken more seriously from the start and probably fewer people would have died. It was a massive shift in society -- gay men became more visible and many people who were anti-gay or just hadn't thought about it felt sympathy for the situation. I dont see how you can talk about AIDS and not mention the social/cultural aspect.

Kids often misunderstand -- just set her straight and move on! Your ex is being a tool.

I would have just said its a virus too that there used to be no treatment for but now there is.
I'm quite shocked at how much detail you went into with a 9 year old especially involving gay sex. it shocks me nowadays how people are so open with such young kids my ds is the same age and would dream of speaking about sex yet he seems so yoing and innocent. perhaps it's just me being an old prude!

Think you hit the nail on the head with your last sentence.

that should've read I wouldn't dream of speaking to him about sex yet.at such a young age

but I don't see anything wrong with pointing out to a teenage girl that the risk of AIDs is from unprotected anal sex

@jennakong you know you can get AIDS from vaginal sex too?

I probably wouldn't have gone into such detail with my 9 year old but I don't think what you said was wrong, she's your daughter and you gave her a pretty good answer to a question when put on the spot.

And oral sex.