For the way I described HIV to my daughter?

[maloofshoof]

I met with my daughters dad today (we had some childcare issues to sort out). My daughter is 9, and last night she asked me what HIV was. I asked her where she had heard about that but she wouldn't tell me, kept saying she was unsure but had heard about it.

I was on the spot, we were driving to an after school club and so I said something along the lines of that it was a virus that erupted in the 80s and that they thought it started from gay men having sex but it turned out that it was a virus that could be spread by blood etc and so women, needle users etc could get it too. I said that in the 80s if someone had it they would die but now there is medicine that allows people with it to live a relatively normal life (bearing in mind I am no expert and was put on the spot with this question). Perhaps I should have said I'll explain later and done a bit of research but I didn't.

When I told my ex today he was really 'appalled'. He said he can't believe I taught our daughter that HIV was spread between only gay men when that was only propaganda and how the media portrayed it. He said I really messed up an educational opportunity with homophobic undercurrents (not homophobic in the slightest, in fact I have been with women and two of my close friends are gay).

I was taken aback and tried to explain myself but he was really upset and left on quite unpleasant terms.

Did I totally fuck up?

It's not the end of the world is it? At nine I assume she's not having penetrative sex or using intravenous drugs just yet.

Just look it up and explain to her in a quiet moment like you would any health or safety message like periods, sex and never being afraid to say no to people if you don't want to do something.

Does your ex normally over react and tell you off? It must be exhausting.

You’re reaction was weird. All you had to say was it’s a disease that effects people’s immune system.

Why does she think sex is kissing? That is a fuck up in itself. Then yes, there is absolutely no need to discuss gay men and AIDS at this point. Why on earth would you want to connect these?

A do over is a good idea.

There was a presenter who died of Aids back in the 80,s he was only onnit a few months I believe.

To be honest it just sounds entirely inappropriate for a 9 year old. Gay sex and drug needles seems a bit much! She shouldn't know about any of these things at her age!

I think I would have said: its an autoimmune disease (I think!) which means it stops the body being able to fight off other infections.
Any back story would probably be limited to: when it was first discovered there was no treatment and people died. But now there are treatments to help people although no cure.

I would've said it's an autoimmune disease spread by blood or other fluids not saliva and it's easier to treat these days

That's a bit of an OTT explanation for a 9 year old. Start again.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who is baffled by this apparent attempt to rewrite history. I don’t think the op messed up at all (apart from knowing her 9 year old thinks kissing is sex and not correcting that- that’s not good)

To be honest it just sounds entirely inappropriate for a 9 year old. Gay sex and drug needles seems a bit much! She shouldn't know about any of these things at her age!

You think 9 year olds shouldn't know what sex is? Or just "gay sex"?

I think it sounds like a reasonable explanation.

If your DD was being a bit cagey about where she heard the term HIV from, I would be wondering what she had already heard about it, and I think it would be reasonable to assume that where she heard it from might possibly have made homophobic suggestions in relation to it. Therefore clarifying in simple terms what the orginal link to gay men was and that it was then ruled out by better understanding was likely a good message to include.

If she asks again, you could explain how cruelly gay men were treated in the early days of the HIV/AIDS crisis when the scientific and medical understanding of the disease was incorrect.

You gave that explanation to a 9 year old who thinks sex is only kissing. Nothing like going from one extreme to another 🙄

Massively over the top explanation that wasn’t needed and although I don’t agree with what your ex said about homophobia I get that he was a bit WTF about your explanation

Time for some age appropriate sex education for your DD

When my kids asked I said it was a virus from the 1980s which lowered your immune system and would kill you when it mutated to HIV. Nowadays it's not a death sentence and Freddie Mercury died from it. I didn't talk about the homophobia angle but I added that since this was pre-Internet, it was hard to find accurate info on the facts. (My kids are old enough to know about conspiracy theories)

Oh eeek. Maybe not the most age appropriate way to describe it. Probably didn't need to talk about transmission.

I'd probably have said its a virus that affects the immune system so that if people with it get colds and other things they can get really sick. But there is really good medicine to treat it now, so most people are ok.

But. Its done now. What's the next step? Maybe sit down with her and try to explain more a little less clumsily?

Don't beat yourself up though- we all make mistakes.

I wonder if those of us who lived through the 80s are more inclined to go with the whole explanation, like the OP did. It was such a huge issue at that time, that it’s hard not to focus on it.

The explanation was perhaps a little clumsy but you were caught off guard and put on the spot. And your explanation sounds historically accurate. You didn’t say gay men caused it, you said for a while it was associated with gay men having sex. Which it was. If she’s going to understand the way her classmates use AIDs as an insult, or whatever she heard, she may as well have a mini history lesson 🤷‍♀️

I’d be furious if DH tried to backseat drive my parenting like that. DH didn’t like the explanation, he can give another one.

Don’t second guess yourself so. Your DH sounds like he jumped at an opportunity to criticise you and wouldn’t have a proper conversation about it just handed down his judgment and stormed off 🤨

Yep I think you’re right.

Fed up of history being rewritten.

you did your best to give an accurate explanation as best you could when put on the spot. You could always think about it, do research and then give her a better explanation at a different time. I would stick to it being a virus which makes people’s immune systems weak, so they cannot fight off other infections - and many people died. It can’t go away once you get it, but there are good medications now which if you take them every day, keep it under control and mean you can live a healthy life . Unlike coronavirus you can’t get it by breathing the same air as someone and hugging someone won’t give it to you. It’s only some ways like if someone’s blood gets into your body - like through a cut. If appropriate you can go into sexual transmission. And if that happens, if you go to hospital quickly, they could give you medication to reduce the chance of you getting it.

It’s not about rewriting history. It’s about telling a 9 year old girl the facts in an age appropriate way

If the OP said she was very mature and understood all about an adult relationship then maybe the explanation would have been ok but this is not the case if her DD thinks kissing is sex

i think you should have just answered the question. You could have described HIV in completely scientific terms, it’s virus that damages the cells in your immune system and weakens your ability to fight everyday infections. The clumsy backstory wasn’t needed as was inappropriate propaganda.

I was around in the 80's and remember those horrible, horrible adverts with the tomb stones, very traumatic. I thought your explanation was fine OP, it amazes me that so many things are labelled homophobic because people seem to be uncomfortable with the facts.

I’d be having a follow up conversation to make sure she fully understands what HIV is v what it was once believed to be. You’ve already been given some simple but accurate explanations you could use. Weird that you brought sex into the conversation when she doesn’t know what sex is. Presumably she now thinks HIV is spread through people kissing?! You need to clear up that misunderstanding too.

YANBU- your explanation was fine. There’s plenty of time to sit down with her and explain more some other time.

Its been in the news because of the alleged behaviour of that welsh rugby player; I expect that’s where she heard it.

Honestly, don’t tie yourself up in knots about it. She’s not going to grow up to be homophobic! Culture nowadays is open and generally very tolerant and accepting- if you and DH don’t say cruel things or homophobic things she ain’t grow up having an issue with anyone.

Spotting patterns can be helpful to researchers and help them think of ways to prevent and treat a disease. But we must be careful not to be so scared of a disease we don’t help other people who have it. Like for coronavirus, doctors didn’t stop treating people with it. But, they did wear masks and special protective equipment to prevent them getting it and spreading it to others.

*won’t - don’t know where ain’t came from

@Choconut agree.