I have come home from work…

[Itsokay2020]

To find that my ‘D’P has hacked away at two shrubs in our garden and it looks awful, beyond awful.

I do the majority of gardening and five years ago our new build garden was a completely blank canvas apart from a lawn and patio area. Since then I have planted trees, shrubs, plants and created a garden space that I am proud of, and a space we are complimented on. My phone camera roll is full of photos of the garden evolving over the past five years.

Today I receive a text to say that ‘D’P has hoovered, done some ironing and done some pruning, followed by a 😁 emoji.

He’s actually hacked away at two shrubs, which would have provided berries and shelter for the birds in winter, and reduced their size by a least 50%. They used to cover the plain wall of our carport, provided screening and allowed some privacy from our neighbours (and vice versa). No discussion took place, nothing.

AIBU to be so angry, to feel as upset as I do? Of course, they’ll hopefully grow back next spring. But they didn’t need to be reduced in size, I maintained them well and they looked really good! Now they are ugly, shapeless, and I simply don’t understand what possessed him!

AIBU? Any advice?

It's not as bad as a thought it would be! They will be back within a year and plenty of cover for wildlife still. Last year my new neighbours thought they were being helpful (probably) in pulling down ivy on our side of an outhouse, I was so upset and still am as had had blackbirds nesting there previously. It'll grew back but will take ages!!!

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I wouldn't say they'd been hacked, they are very tidy, but I can see why you're upset, he's chopped all the flowers off! I'd be mad too

Because he thought he was being kind to the person he loves. Not worth taking it beyond that into some argument about gender roles or otherwise. Somebody has to do these things - if he didn't; then I guess she would have to - he did it so she wouldn't have to. Alternatively, nobody does it, which doesn't help anybody. The world turns on little kindnesses; let's not spoil things by griping over trivia.

i can empathise, as the gardener in our household I have experienced my other half randomly ‘weeding’ our perennials and ‘pruning’ shrubs so much that they died. More than once.

But it looks like you’ve had a lucky escape and it seems like a good job. It can take years for plants/gardens to recover from unintended interventions.

Time to have a chat, on good terms, and explain what you are working towards in the garden. X

Im a gardener and I just think most people have got awful taste and prefer plain walls to plants. They have not got a clue what looks good in a garden, which is usually plants! Your husband is the same, he has bad garden taste. You have to ban him from future garden tasks unless he has been instructed. Hopefully there's still enough Sun left that the lilac will put on new growth.
I'm lucky that my partner shows no interest and it's completely my domain. It's not like emptying the dishwasher, gardens don't need to be tidy. YANBU, most people here would rather have a patio with plain walls so they can marvel at how tidy it looks, he has been a massive hacker clueless prick.

@alwaysanauntie your garden is beautiful 😍

He was only trying to help you.
I did the same with a peach tree
My ex came home and well, he was peachless!😂

Don't worry they will grow really quickly, and they do look nice and neat, but I get what yoy mean about providing privacy.

@alwaysanauntie your garden is stunning, absolutely beautiful!

Looks fine and will come back bigger and better next year. Calm down dear, shrubs grow!

Once again, thanks again for all the comments - DP has appreciated all the ‘Team DP’ comments but he also realises that he should have waited and agrees that wall art is now required (which he has offered to buy as a big sorry!).

Some have said it’s his garden too, and absolutely it is without question. The shed is ‘ours’ too but I wouldn’t dream of being ‘helpful’ and tidying it out (no matter how much I might want to!). It’s storage for his hobby equipment (cycling) and quite rightly I leave him to it.

The lilac will grown back, hopefully the cotoneaster will too - the gardeners amongst you will know they look beautiful when pruning is considered and meaningful (and DP gets this now!). The Flamingo Salix looks a bit pathetic and the brown bin full of gorgeous pink leaves made me sad! That too should grow back. The obvious concern is new growth being damaged by frost, again something DP didn’t consider.

Here’s to every style of garden, neat, wild, overgrown or sparse… and here’s to those who can be overzealous with the secateurs 😁

Oh, and I actually didn’t mind the update on what chores had been done, it meant I could plan to pick up those chores that hadn’t been done when I got home. We both work FT and try to share the load (most of the time 😉) by working as a team

As a lover of natural growth I’m with you and don’t agree with those who say it looks better. Some people just like their garden neat and manicured not me. But it will strengthen the shrubs so when they grow back they should do so more vigorously. So just tell them not to interfere again without consultation you are head gardener!

I think they look better now, sorry to say. Maybe not the correct shape but definitely more compact and neat.

It’s not trivial at all. Seeing those tasks as kindness to partner when they are necessary for both shows an assumption. A bit like receiving an unasked for hoover as a surprise birthday present whichever person you are in the couple. How ever, each to their own!

Maybe he thought he was giving the bush a haircut.

Me too!

Sorry for your trauma @Itsokay2020 Weirdly, my daughter went through a similar experience with a young tree. She left for work in the morning and when she arrived home, her husband had, for no discernible reason, ‘pruned’ it to small shrub height! She rang me in tears and as a gardener, I commiserated. This was a couple of years ago. It has nearly recovered and we think the culprit understands that he must never do such a thing again. Hopefully, you can impress your feelings and views on your DH, tidy your shrubs and maybe comfort yourself looking online for a lovely plant for next year.

@Itsokay2020 , if he's done that to a lilac, it won't flower much next year.

I'd be tempted to plant him in the garden under the patio.

I prefer the before look, as the pruning has just made them look so boring now. Neat and tidy maybe to some.
Not as bad a thing though compared to a past partner who had my dog put down when I was away on a course. Now that's drastic. And unforgivable.

I think he's done a good job, and he seems to have done it to try to please you.The real problem is the lack of communication. I believe you need to accept graciously, and discuss how you want the garden to look together. There are some many examples of "other half" not lifting a finger, he had made an effort to contribute. The shrubs will come back bigger and stronger next year. It's not a massacre.

Hi, yes, they look much better now and remember’ growth follows the knife’! They were too tall and straggly and that just weakens the rest of the shrub as the plant puts all
its energy into growing taller and thus too leggy instead of growing more uniformly all over. They will be fantastic by next year and the wall they’re growing against doesn’t look anywhere near as ugly as you think
it does, quite Mediterranean in fact!

I agree OP, bush is better than plain wall. But it’s too late now, just tell
him to never touch a plant again (only the lawn is allowed).

It looks great to me. X