To end this friendship now I know what she would really think of me….

[EmptyHouse0822]

I have a friend and we met because our children go to the same school. It started off as just chatting on the playground, then going out with the children and now we will also go out just the two of us.

We have been friends for about 2.5 years and I would say we are pretty close in that we talk to each other about our problems and we know we can trust each other.

Anyhow, this morning, completely out the blue she made some very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians and although she was trying to pass it off as a joke the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant.

The problem is that even though she doesn’t know it, I am bisexual and so her comments made me really uncomfortable. Obviously I’m married with children so she would have no reason at all to suspect I can be attracted to women and so wouldn’t see any reason why her comments would upset me on a personal level.

Even if I wasn’t bisexual I wouldn’t have found her comments acceptable at all.

But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can carry on this friendship knowing how disapproving she is of an aspect of my life but as we’ve been friends for so long and out children are good friends it wouldn’t make sense to anyone if I just pulled away from her.

I don’t know how to navigate this and I’m already dreading seeing her on the school run this afternoon.

AIBU to just pull back from the friendship and tell her why?

She sounds like the boys I went to school with, 'ewww gay!'

Let it go your married now. She's entitled to voice her view unless she's being rude out in public causing offence

What does being married got to do with anything?

And she was being rude out in public and causing offence.

@Day20 this is really rude. Being married to someone of the opposite sec doesn’t change their bisexuality. You may not realise it, but you’re really adding to a stigma that previous posters have mentioned about bisexuality. And the friend was out in public being rude and causing offence, OP doesn’t have to let it go

Look it's your life and you can decide with whom to be friends or not. But I don't see the big deal in a person finding a certain act disgusting. You can treat people with respect and be pro everyone having rights, yet still find the idea of say two men or two women disgusting.

What if someone's friend finds oral disgusting, should you break up with them because you do enjoy oral?

as we’ve been friends for so long and out children are good friends it wouldn’t make sense to anyone if I just pulled away from her.
You could always explain to people.

You needn't say you're personally bi if you don't want to, but say she made a comment you found homophobic and you don't like things like that.
She's entitled to those views and I'm sure if she knew your history, she wouldn't want to be friends with you.

Not necessarily.
People can be kind of homophobic in theory but when it comes to meeting someone, take the individual as they find them.
But I understand that we don't know that she's like that and her comments might make OP rightly feel as if she might well not be accepted.

Let it go your married now.

@Day20 Being married doesn't stop someone having some same sex attraction.

My friend said it in relation to a programme she’d been watching with her husband which was about the Gay scene (males) and she told me she’d made her husband turn it off because it was disgusting and not something she wanted to see. She then said it was almost as bad as seeing two women together, and she said god knows why any woman would want to touch up and do “who knows what” to another woman and then she said “it’s just so grim!” - and thats when she started laughing.

@EmptyHouse0822 Just spotted this. It could just be she's very straight so personally doesn't like the idea/how she imagines it, rather than her actually finding other people who have same sex attraction disgusting, if you see what I mean.

I'd definitely suggest asking her about it somehow. You don't have to out yourself to do so.

I had a friend who just didn't want to hear about a mutual friend's interest in the fetish scene. It didn't necessarily mean she thought our friend being into it was wrong, it just wasn't something she wanted to hear about.

@Ravenpuff93 please read @SlickShady they have said it perfectly.

I'm not adding to the problem you sound as bad as the trans when they take offence to being in women's spaces or voicing they are not women I'm sorry but you have no idea about what my personal thoughts are regarding gay people. For your info my own cousin is gay and we get along fine! However you can't assume just because someone may not agree that they dislike a person or unwilling to be friends because of their sexuality.

Totally seperate things.

"Sarah, I've been a bit bothered since I saw you last. You said something that sounded really homophobic. You've always been a lovely person and it seemed out of character."

Then see what she says. She might be a bit more specific about what bothered her and either show she isn't homophobic but has very conservative ideas about what she wants to see on TV, or that she's a raging bigot.

You then get to choose whether to avoid her.

Agreed! There’s so many homophobia apologists here. Nobody with opinions like that would be my friend anymore. I too would’ve called it out on the spot but appreciate the shock of hearing such abhorrent comments took you aback. If anyone thought their friendship with me was a “safe space” for hate speech they’d be put straight (no pun intended) on that quick sharp. And as you said OP what on earth has being married got to do with it? Weird thing for another poster to say

I don't get posts like this.
If you don't want to be friends with her anymore then of course you don't have to be.
But honestly it is ok to be friends with someone with differing views, you don't have to agree on everything. You can even have a healthy friendly debate about it and still be friends.
I once had a republican friend, really nice interesting lady, mad views on a lot of things.
Honestly I'd just have told her not to knock it unless you tried it, and see where it went from there.

You’re perfectly entitled to not want to PERSONALLY have sex with someone of the same sex. But to call the whole concept disgusting is textbook homophobia. Stop excusing bigotry and comparing apples to oranges.

And as you said OP what on earth has being married got to do with it?

It's not unknown for people to think a bi person isn't bi when they're in a long term het relationship. It's part of bi erasure. Some people think that only currently taking part in same sex activity now counts, whereas some people identify as bi if they have same sex attraction, even if they don't currently act on it.

@OldFan I know that! However OP is making it a big deal. The friend didn't know and she is entitled to her opinion just like you and I.

It was in relation to a TV show. OP is bi yes but currently her preference is her husband.

What are you saying that everyone must agree with gay people? It's none of your business tbh unless someone is being cruel to another person's face that is unacceptable but talking to your friend on a personal. We don't all have to agree, I don't have to agree with your opinion and you don't have to agree with mine. HOWEVER WE can be respectful to one and other over this forum! Just because our views differ 🙄🙄

Oh I know. It’s clear that poster is bi/homophobic and trotting out a classic “I’m not racist but…” style defence. It was more of a rhetorical question but I totally agree with you.

Lol if you “don’t agree” with gay people then you don’t have a view worthy of respect. There’s nothing to agree or disagree with, sexuality is a natural state, not a choice

My preference?!

So if I was bisexual and in a relationship with a woman then it would be fine to challenge my friend, but because I’m bisexual and with a man I should just let it go?

@TedMullins I agree with you. Please stop being jumped up. I believe sexuality is how people are born. However the OP.... was about her friends opinion and I think OPS friend is entitles to it!

Ignorance is bliss when you can't read (or cherry pick).

Hands up I make non pc jokes but only to people I know. The thing is in reality I'm a very liberal guy and don't judge anyone by their appearance etc but I'd be lying if I said I don't lol etc and or make non p/c jokes but only with people I know.

The bottom line for me is I wanted my children to marry the opposite sex, same background or better, same colour skin/country/religion etc etc. However I'm a realist and come the time for our children to have a marriage etc the only thing that concerned me and my OH is that the OH ids decent, honest, hard-working and fits well with our kids.

I've had negative views against certain groups of people as IRL certain gorups of people do behave differently in different areas but when someone speaks to me in a normal way and or nice, I'd be a fool not to be nice to them and not respect them.

I like good/honest/sincere people and their race/colour/sexual orientation etc does not even come into it.

I would never knowingly offend anyone that did nothing wrong to me.

I hardly have a single friend for various reasons mainly me losing contact with all but some of my best mates at work have been from a different backgroud to me and they are often hit the headlines in certain crimes.

Live and let live within the local laws and as long as no one is being forced into something or being deceived who are we to judge.

OP. Just tell the friend you don't like that kind of thing and take it from there.

@EmptyHouse0822 if you want to end your friendship get on with it. If it going against your beliefs you do you.

Finding a sexual act, or even the concept thereof icky and disgusting, is not bigotry. Many people find the concept of putting genitalia into your mouth really disgusting and icky. Are they bigots? They don't hate or wish harm upon people who do engage in oral, it's just they personally find the concept disgusting.

“My cousin is gay and I like them so I’m obvs not homophobic… you sound just as bad as trans people”
ok cool

Blooming heck op

you very very very clearly don’t want to be friends with her anymore.

fair enough

Don’t ghost her. Just explain that you have diverging views on sexuality and as you find her view deeply offensive - you can’t sustain the friendship

Specific sexual acts are not comparable to sexuality. Saying you find oral gross is completely different to saying you find the idea of two men or two women together disgusting. Like I said, you can not want to do it personally but of course it’s bigotry if you think the very concept of same sex acts are disgusting.

OP is bi yes but currently her preference is her husband.

@Day20 That still doesn't stop her also having same sex attraction at times in her life.

The bottom line for me is I wanted my children to marry the opposite sex

@Raul57 Why would you mind one way or another, even in theory? I mean, I'm Catholic now, but if someone were secular I don't see why someone would mind what sex of person their kid married.