To end this friendship now I know what she would really think of me….

[EmptyHouse0822]

I have a friend and we met because our children go to the same school. It started off as just chatting on the playground, then going out with the children and now we will also go out just the two of us.

We have been friends for about 2.5 years and I would say we are pretty close in that we talk to each other about our problems and we know we can trust each other.

Anyhow, this morning, completely out the blue she made some very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians and although she was trying to pass it off as a joke the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant.

The problem is that even though she doesn’t know it, I am bisexual and so her comments made me really uncomfortable. Obviously I’m married with children so she would have no reason at all to suspect I can be attracted to women and so wouldn’t see any reason why her comments would upset me on a personal level.

Even if I wasn’t bisexual I wouldn’t have found her comments acceptable at all.

But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can carry on this friendship knowing how disapproving she is of an aspect of my life but as we’ve been friends for so long and out children are good friends it wouldn’t make sense to anyone if I just pulled away from her.

I don’t know how to navigate this and I’m already dreading seeing her on the school run this afternoon.

AIBU to just pull back from the friendship and tell her why?

She’s text me again seeing as I didn’t reply to her earlier one and she just said “Are we okay?”

I don’t even know what to say to her. And I’m not saying that as a turn of phrase, I really, really don’t know how to respond.

Ultimately neither of us will look at each other the same way again.

So your HUSBAND doesn’t know? Wow!
you have bigger issues than a friend who thinks lesbian sex is a bit yuck.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for finding homophobia unacceptable so I’m not sure why people are suggesting you come out as bisexual to her. It sounds as though your instinct is to end the friendship and I can imagine mine would be too if I was in your shoes. I think it would be totally reasonable to end the friendship. Whether you choose to challenge her or not is your choice.

I would advise you tell her how you feel politely and honestly. But if it were me i would say "yeah fine thanks" and fade her out to keep it amicable for school run.

Interesting. There are many posts on here saying "very negative and distasteful comments about" transgender people. Yet when challenged the general consensus is that they're not being transphobic, they have 'a right to their opinion".
If it's committed homophobia when it's about homosexuals, then it's committed transphobia when it's about trans people. Works both ways.

Some odd posts on here. She’s entitled to her views, of course, but she should understand that when she says something like that out loud she’s running the risk of upsetting people. And she needs to live with the consequence of that. She knows she’s upset you and she hasn’t actually apologised, and her first instinct was to double down on what she said.

It would be friendship over for me, OP. I couldn’t be friends with somebody who has accidentally told me they think that I’m disgusting. (I also couldn’t be friends with a bigot anyway, but that’s an additional point).

Doesn’t need to be any big drama - I would just say that given her views on something so fundamental to who you are as a person, you don’t feel that your friendship can continue. And then be done with it.

Like I say, everyone’s entitled to their views. But they aren’t entitled to a friendship.

OP said that her husband does know. And that her friend has an issue with same-sex relationships in general.

Definitions of phobic seem to consistently include extreme then split the difference on whether to include irrational or unreasonable.
Websters is simply intolerance or aversion.
Choose your poison I suppose.

What we’ve been offered as evidence of a phobia are the making of statements that “it’s disgusting”, “it’s vile” or “god knows why anyone wants to do that”.

On that basis lots of women on Mumsnet are phobic about a lot of things.

I don't think it's stretching it to think that calling same-sex relationships disgusting or vile is homophobic.

She is a friend, Friends speak their mind to each other, It is a sign of her trust in you that she does confide in you. You don't have to agree with her opinion, accept it or discuss it with her; this is not a good reason to reject her out of hand if she is a good friend and enjoyable company.

Maybe say

'I have valued your friendship. My sexuality is a fundamental part of who I am. I am still bisexual even if not practicing and do not discuss it openly. It makes me feel sad and disappointed that you find me grim. It's hard to know how to feel about this. Our kids adore each other, so I know that is important that they are not affected by this.'

You might want to ask her what triggered these comments. Clearly, they were spontaneous, and you might even say "uncalled for." Maybe in a calmer moment, she can clarify what exactly led her to share her feelings. It might help you to decide whether or not you want to continue the friendship.

My husband does know, which I said many, many pages back.

I text her back and just said that I was upset by her comments and that seeing as my sexuality is such an intrinsic part of who I am, and it is not something she approves of, then I think it is best we take a step back from each other whilst I work out how I feel about what she said, both in her first comment but also what she said to me this morning. I said that I don’t want the children to be affected and that I want us to still be able to maintain their friendship, but that I don’t see how she and I can move past this.

She didn’t reply though.

How about at the time or next time you meet you mention that you found her comments offensive?

Is there a reason why you've never told him?

I hope being friends with you OP helps to challenge her prejudices. It’s just ignorance and perhaps she could have a re-think; our beliefs aren’t set in stone. Unless she turns around and says she had been wrong though - then it would be friendship over for me.

I get your point entirely.
Your friend has apologised, I know you still feel hurt but it just seems so sad that you would have to lose your otherwise great friendship because you both feel differently about something. I’m hoping you can both work through it 💛

She has.

Wrong.

Your definition is a dictionary entry - i.e. a current rendering of how the term is commonly used and understood.

The literal meaning of homophobia - as translated from the greek routes 'homos' and 'phobos' is fear (or panic) of the same.

Jesus. This place.

That’s openly bigoted. I’m quite shocked at posters saying “she is entitled to her views, let it go, you’re married now”etc. I suppose bigots are entitled to their opinions, but it doesn’t mean the rest of us should not mind them. I wouldn’t be prepared to be her friend. As you say, you would be offended irrespective of your own sexuality. I’m straight and her views offend me.

Being that only a few trusted people in your life know that about your sexuality, its a shame that you were then in a position where you felt it iwas necessary to tell her. I'm saying that on principal really being that she shouldn't have made those comments either way. I can understand someone saying that they couldn't imagine being with another woman or wouldn't want to be. Its another thing totally to make such derogatory comments. She had obviously picked up on your reaction that you weren't happy with her comments.

I think you're going to have to ask her to keep that knowledge to herself before its spread in the playground. Its sad that this sort of prejudice is still around. Hopefully she will have a rethink about her attitude.

Intolerance of any kind is ignorant and increasingly out of date although there is still plenty of it about. If she was using jokey language it just displays her limitations. It’s worth talking to her about it though as it may be that she is capable of seeing things in a different way and yes there is the children contact issue. I’m not attracted to women but I know loads of women who are or have been. I’d feel repulsed by someone expressing this ignorance and would start to put a bit of distance in. You know it’s possible she’s attracted to you?

I don't know - I'm slightly torn.

If she was watching a programme about e.g. anal sex, and said 'OMG how can anyone do that it's gross' or something - she would just be expressing her view from a personal sexual preference. If you happened to be someone who enjoys anal sex - then you might either feel as you did and say nothing - or you might say 'well actually I think it's great, but each to their own.....'

If you think she is actually a bigot who is homophobic - that's different. But we are allowed to cringe at the though of sexual practices which don't float our boats. Does she have views about gays in general or is she just saying she doesn't want to watch certain sexual behaviour on TV? What was the gay males TV programme showing?

(I have no issues with anyone's sexuality, but really don't wish to watch anyone's sexual exploits on TV personally - be they gay, straight or whatever. But I would be more uncomfortable with practices that are not part of my own preferences).

Even if she isn't homophobic - I think she was very insensitive to assume that you would share her sexual preferences! You could try talking to her? But I have to agree that she probably is homophobic and you may struggle to stay friends. But tell her why!

Well yes and that fear is often experienced by a person feeling attracted to those of same sex and the bigotry is a symptom of self loathing. This is not said sympathetically.