Page 13 | To end this friendship now I know what she would really think of me….

EmptyHouse0822 · 2022-09-07T10:55:55+00:00

I have a friend and we met because our children go to the same school. It started off as just chatting on the playground, then going out with the children and now we will also go out just the two of us. We have been friends for about 2.5 years and I would say we are pretty close in that we talk to each other about our problems and we know we can trust each other. Anyhow, this morning, completely out the blue she made some very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians and although she was trying to pass it off as a joke the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant. The problem is that even though she doesn’t know it, I am bisexual and so her comments made me really uncomfortable. Obviously I’m married with children so she would have no reason at all to suspect I can be attracted to women and so wouldn’t see any reason why her comments would upset me on a personal level. Even if I wasn’t bisexual I wouldn’t have found her comments acceptable at all. But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can carry on this friendship knowing how disapproving she is of an aspect of my life but as we’ve been friends for so long and out children are good friends it wouldn’t make sense to anyone if I just pulled away from her. I don’t know how to navigate this and I’m already dreading seeing her on the school run this afternoon. AIBU to just pull back from the friendship and tell her why?

exaltedwombat · 08/09/2022 18:01

She's picked up the vibes, feels strangely attracted to you and finds it frightening. Be kind.

Fumblebug · 08/09/2022 18:13

I have a friend who seems to have difficulty with the fact that men and women can have same-sex relationships. She says she has no problem with what people do in private but she wouldn't want being gay to be seen as 'normal' in her kids' school. I value her friendship in lots of ways and we are still good friends, but I tend to steer away from these subjects when I'm around her and I think she does the same with me, as she may have sensed my discomfort with her remarks. I think at some point I will need to be more direct with her as some of my family members are gay and she probably doesn't know. But I'm hoping that when that time comes I can deal with the issue calmly and expose her to a different pov in a non-judgemental way. I do sympathise with your predicament OP and I hope your friend can become more broad-minded given time and patience.

Milesty1 · 08/09/2022 18:49

Tell her you were uncomfortable with her comments and that you are bisexual. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know. I get a sense that if you tell her she will end the friendship anyway :(

marktayloruk · 08/09/2022 19:05

Just agree to differ.

Sizzer40 · 08/09/2022 19:11

Put her in the friend bin.

pikiwop54 · 08/09/2022 19:15

exaltedwombat · 08/09/2022 18:01

She's picked up the vibes, feels strangely attracted to you and finds it frightening. Be kind.

vibes?

Mollymoostoo · 08/09/2022 19:23

Tierne · 07/09/2022 12:02

the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant

Shes allowed to feel that way for herself

I agree. People seem to think that we should all be happy with the way others live their lives. Frankly it isn't anyone else's business and people are entitled to feel uncomfortable if they so wish.
I hate the 'phobic' woke phrases these days. People are not phobic just because they don't like or agree with something, they just have a different view.
Equally anyone offended by this view would be well within their rights to end the friendship and state why. Trying to change someone's mind is futile, I wouldn't even waste my energy.

pikiwop54 · 08/09/2022 19:50

Mollymoostoo · 08/09/2022 19:23

I agree. People seem to think that we should all be happy with the way others live their lives. Frankly it isn't anyone else's business and people are entitled to feel uncomfortable if they so wish.
I hate the 'phobic' woke phrases these days. People are not phobic just because they don't like or agree with something, they just have a different view.
Equally anyone offended by this view would be well within their rights to end the friendship and state why. Trying to change someone's mind is futile, I wouldn't even waste my energy.

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She is homophobic though. She's entitled to be, and others are entitled to think that's vile.

bluesapphire48 · 08/09/2022 19:56

I am a lot like you, in that I consider myself bisexual, but since I'm married (to a man) I don't talk about it.

If I were you, I would discuss it with her, if you wish to do so, without revealing your own bisexuality. You can discuss it as a theoretical matter, where you are "championing the cause" of sexual freedom, etc. etc.

If you feel comfortable with her answers, you may decide to go a little further and suggest that you "have other friends" who are bisexual. Bring it down to Earth and a little bit closer to home, one step at a time, and see if she can go along with it.

I really would not reveal to her at any point, though, that you consider yourself bisexual (or your reasons or experiences for thinking that). For one thing, you are married. Does your husband know you feel this way? If ANYONE found out, it could become a way to blackmail you, so proceed carefully.

But it would be good if you could enlighten her. Of course, if you try to do so and fail, and then terminate the relationship, it will be all the more reason for her to dislike lesbians, etc. etc., so you may end up deciding not to say anything at all and simply find other reasons not to see her, or other reasons to terminate the relationship.

Onlythedoglovesme · 08/09/2022 20:00

Call it out. Tell her you find her comments homophobic and it’s changed your view of her as a person and made you uneasy maintaining your friendship.

MadMadaMim · 08/09/2022 20:01

I don't think the OP's sexuality is s relevant in any way.

This 'friend' made unambiguous bigoted homophobic comments. This in itself is shocking enough, but what's most shocking and very sad, is the tone and content of some of the replies and comments.

Just wow. Homophobia alive, well and thriving. Sickening.

I'm heterosexual. If she was my friend, I would be deeply offended and would end the friendship. And I certainly would not expose my children to such a toxic individual.

amispeakingintongues · 08/09/2022 20:05

alwaysmovingforwards · 07/09/2022 12:18

She's entitled to have her views.
You're entitled to do what you chose with this info.

This.

not everyone is going to agree with you on the subject of homosexuality. If its a deal breaker for you, then you don’t need permission from mumsnet to stop the friendship. But i think she at least deserves an explanation from you if you do that.

Original poster

EmptyHouse0822 · 08/09/2022 20:06

My friend randomly messaged me this evening to say sorry if her comments had upset me. That was it.

Im guessing now she’s had time to reflect on it she’s probably realised that she didn’t handle it well this morning. Maybe she was just shocked when I told her about me and her response was a knee-jerk reaction? I don’t know.

OP posts:

FabFitFifties · 08/09/2022 20:09

I think she's entitled to not want to watch gay sex, and to feel how she feels about that. I also find the idea of sex with a female repulsive, and the idea of watching it repulses me. That doesn't mean I don't love and respect the lesbians I know.

Shauny098 · 08/09/2022 20:11

Gonna play devils advocate here. I don’t give a C what ppl do, who falls in love with who, gay, straight, bi, whatever BUT I do believe that ppl are fully entitled to their own opinions on any subject they choose. Does that necessarily make them a bad person just because there’s a word for it (homophobia) nope. I think ppl have become far to entitled to think that others aren’t allowed to think a certain way. If someone is a good friend and all round good person and still treats everyone (including gay ppl) with respect then I’d have no issue with it. If they’re blatantly and purposely rude to gay ppl however then that would be a different story. You can be respectful whilst also not agreeing with somebody’s lifestyle.

FabFitFifties · 08/09/2022 20:12

I wouldn't write this friend off OP. Not yet anyway.

Shauny098 · 08/09/2022 20:15

DorotheaHomeAlone · 07/09/2022 12:37

I am really surprised at the responses here. These comments are horrendously offensive and homophobic. If a friend of mine did something like this I would call it out immediately and the friendship would be over for me. I’m straight but homophobia is completely unacceptable to me regardless of my personal orientation, just like racism or misogyny or dishonesty are all things I wouldn’t tolerate in a friend.

Wow, bet you’re a hoot…..are you a vegan? Do you wear clothes made from hemp? I find your intolerance of free thinking offensive tbh

Freedomfighters · 08/09/2022 20:21

EmptyHouse0822 · 08/09/2022 20:06

My friend randomly messaged me this evening to say sorry if her comments had upset me. That was it.

Im guessing now she’s had time to reflect on it she’s probably realised that she didn’t handle it well this morning. Maybe she was just shocked when I told her about me and her response was a knee-jerk reaction? I don’t know.

Well clearly she values your friendship on some level.

pikiwop54 · 08/09/2022 20:22

Shauny098 · 08/09/2022 20:11

Gonna play devils advocate here. I don’t give a C what ppl do, who falls in love with who, gay, straight, bi, whatever BUT I do believe that ppl are fully entitled to their own opinions on any subject they choose. Does that necessarily make them a bad person just because there’s a word for it (homophobia) nope. I think ppl have become far to entitled to think that others aren’t allowed to think a certain way. If someone is a good friend and all round good person and still treats everyone (including gay ppl) with respect then I’d have no issue with it. If they’re blatantly and purposely rude to gay ppl however then that would be a different story. You can be respectful whilst also not agreeing with somebody’s lifestyle.

It's not a lifestyle.

Maryminx · 08/09/2022 20:26

Sorry, but I think you are the one being very small minded!
Your friend can have an opinion, and it shouldn’t affect your friendship.
I think I would talk to her and say u were abit upset over her views, but beg to differ. You don’t have to say I are bisexual, as to none of her business.

Original poster

EmptyHouse0822 · 08/09/2022 20:27

pikiwop54 · 08/09/2022 20:22

It's not a lifestyle.

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Exactly, it’s not a lifestyle choice, it’s who I am as a person.

She is disgusted by something that is a big part of who I am.

How can that be friendship?

OP posts:

Original poster

EmptyHouse0822 · 08/09/2022 20:30

Maryminx · 08/09/2022 20:26

Sorry, but I think you are the one being very small minded!
Your friend can have an opinion, and it shouldn’t affect your friendship.
I think I would talk to her and say u were abit upset over her views, but beg to differ. You don’t have to say I are bisexual, as to none of her business.

I don’t care that she has that opinion.

What I do care about is what it means she thinks of me as a person.

She thinks part of me is grim, wrong, disgusting and not something that should ever be spoken about. That’s hardly a good base for a friendship is it?

OP posts:

Neverendingmindfuck · 08/09/2022 20:35

I dropped a 10 year friendship after the person had very similar opinions. Unwanted opinions. Along with the blatant racism (shouting at a lady in the street wearing a hijab who was with her children 😳) and deciding anyone coming forward making an historical abuse complaint shouldn't be allowed! If they didn't speak up at the time then it 'can't have been that bad'. This person was hiding this really well at the start if our friendship.
Some people you just don't need in your life.
I ghosted the bitch BTW, you can't argue with stupid.

Flyinggeesei234 · 08/09/2022 20:38

OP I think it’s only you who can decide here.

Every poster who has suggested it doesn’t matter what her opinion is, you have argued back that it does matter/not a good basis for friendship etc. absolutely well within your rights to think that too!

Ultimately people here are just giving their opinions. We can’t advise. Just do what you want to do - which sounds from all of your posts like you can’t remain friends.

Slutdrop · 08/09/2022 20:39

10HailMarys · 07/09/2022 12:29

Yeah, she's massively homophobic and I would not be friends with her.

I'm straight. I personally don't find anything appealing about the idea of having sex with another woman, just as most lesbians don't find anything appealing about the idea of having sex with a man. 'The idea of sex with a woman does nothing for me' is not a homophobic statement. Declaring same-sex relationships 'disgusting' and 'grim', or implying that gay sex is weird, deviant, abnormal or whatever IS a homophobic statement. Your friend sounds horrible.

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You know what, I think she may be secretly bisexual herself. Sounds like she's making too much of a big thing of it to me and trying desperately to appear what she considers to be 'normal'. I actually feel a bit sorry for her.