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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end this friendship now I know what she would really think of me….

498 replies

EmptyHouse0822 · 07/09/2022 11:55

I have a friend and we met because our children go to the same school. It started off as just chatting on the playground, then going out with the children and now we will also go out just the two of us.

We have been friends for about 2.5 years and I would say we are pretty close in that we talk to each other about our problems and we know we can trust each other.

Anyhow, this morning, completely out the blue she made some very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians and although she was trying to pass it off as a joke the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant.

The problem is that even though she doesn’t know it, I am bisexual and so her comments made me really uncomfortable. Obviously I’m married with children so she would have no reason at all to suspect I can be attracted to women and so wouldn’t see any reason why her comments would upset me on a personal level.

Even if I wasn’t bisexual I wouldn’t have found her comments acceptable at all.

But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can carry on this friendship knowing how disapproving she is of an aspect of my life but as we’ve been friends for so long and out children are good friends it wouldn’t make sense to anyone if I just pulled away from her.

I don’t know how to navigate this and I’m already dreading seeing her on the school run this afternoon.

AIBU to just pull back from the friendship and tell her why?

OP posts:
AgnestaVipers · 08/09/2022 11:39

Fantastic, you're willing to put up with more shit than other people are.

That's not ever been said about me, no. 😂

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/09/2022 11:41

This thread has been revealing. It shows that no matter how enlightened a society we like to think we are, and however much we like to differentiate between ourselves and the behaviour of the likes of Russia and some of the middle eastern states, in many people the biphobia and homophobia isn't simmering too far below the surface.

The same has happened with misogyny in recent years. Attitudes that back in the 2010s would have been laughed at as antediluvian, and the people who expressed them dismissed as old crocks, are now being relegitimized.

The fault of social media? The fact that people who previously wouldn't have spoken such views aloud can now easily find each other and collectively justify their narrow-mindedness?

Whatever the reason, it's a sad retrograde step. As for OP, it seems the last conversation has made this 'friendship' untenable. I'm sorry you've had this disappointment but IMO, it's better to know.

latetothefisting · 08/09/2022 11:53

God that is horrible OP. Her being magnanimous that now you no longer "do that" she will allow you to still associate with her, as though you're a reformed convict or something.

Sorry you are feeling sad, it must be gutting to find out that a friend isn't who you thought they were, and clearly isn't a nice person.

I suppose the only silver lining is that at least you've found out now and not further down the line.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 08/09/2022 12:00

EmptyHouse0822 · 08/09/2022 10:37

😂😂

I might make the effort to be-friend another school gate mum that I actually have a mini crush on 😂

In reality I will brush it off though as a lesson learnt and wait for my husband to come home and cheer me up. He knows I’m feeding a bit put out by it all so a big hug from him will be lovely.

Show quote history

Sorry this has happened to you! It's very sad to lose a friend ❤️

Angelinflipflops · 08/09/2022 12:04

Maybe you'll open her eyes to a whole new world, she sounds very old fashioned

Original poster
EmptyHouse0822 · 08/09/2022 12:20

Thanks for your support everyone.

I probably won’t see her for the rest of the week now but we are meant to be taking the children swimming on Saturday, which we have been doing for the last couple of months, but I have a feeling it’s going to be very awkward from now on. If it wasn’t for the children it would be much easier to take a step back but when the children are such good friends it’s not so easy.

I just feel disappointed. It’s like that feeling when you break up with someone and how even though you aren’t together anymore that doesn’t mean you don’t love them.

She was such a good friend in so many ways that I almost feel sad at the thought of losing it.

OP posts:
Festoonlights · 08/09/2022 12:23

She lost the friendship not you.You were and are still a great friend. Move on to better people op. If she is bigoted about this, there will be other areas too I am sure of it it.

I also wonder about the people that protest too much and too loudly about things that really don't concern them. It always makes me question why they feel so strongly in the first place.

Calphurnia88 · 08/09/2022 12:24

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 08/09/2022 11:02

That was brave of you to talk to her about it OP.

In the interests of self-protection though, you've just come out to someone who is clearly at least slightly hostile and could be unpredictable. You may want to consider coming out to other people in your friendship group who you trust, because there is a chance ex-friend may try to shit-stir. If you talk to them first them at least you own the story, IYSWIM.

This is a great point.

Festoonlights · 08/09/2022 12:24

‘The lady doth protest too much, methinks,’ One of the lines from Shakespeare that seems to resonate with your thread somewhat op.

Mxyzptlk · 08/09/2022 12:54

I hope you have a chance to talk it through on Saturday, OP.
Your friend was taken by surprise this morning and may rethink things before Saturday, if she hopes to stay your friend.

I know you don't owe anyone anything, but consider that knowing you could be an opportunity for her to educate herself.

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 13:15

Out of interest

Will you tell your children you’re bisexual?

Theblacksheepandme · 08/09/2022 13:25

EmptyHouse0822 · 08/09/2022 12:20

Thanks for your support everyone.

I probably won’t see her for the rest of the week now but we are meant to be taking the children swimming on Saturday, which we have been doing for the last couple of months, but I have a feeling it’s going to be very awkward from now on. If it wasn’t for the children it would be much easier to take a step back but when the children are such good friends it’s not so easy.

I just feel disappointed. It’s like that feeling when you break up with someone and how even though you aren’t together anymore that doesn’t mean you don’t love them.

She was such a good friend in so many ways that I almost feel sad at the thought of losing it.

You do realise that her children will grow up having the same views as their Mother?

AgnestaVipers · 08/09/2022 13:26

You do realise that her children will grow up having the same views as their Mother?

That is an absurd statement. My parents were homophobic. I'm a great big lezzer.
The absolutism on the thread says much about why we are such a polarised society these days.

Freedomfighters · 08/09/2022 14:42

EmptyHouse0822 · 08/09/2022 12:20

Thanks for your support everyone.

I probably won’t see her for the rest of the week now but we are meant to be taking the children swimming on Saturday, which we have been doing for the last couple of months, but I have a feeling it’s going to be very awkward from now on. If it wasn’t for the children it would be much easier to take a step back but when the children are such good friends it’s not so easy.

I just feel disappointed. It’s like that feeling when you break up with someone and how even though you aren’t together anymore that doesn’t mean you don’t love them.

She was such a good friend in so many ways that I almost feel sad at the thought of losing it.

I wonder if she's seen your posts on here. It's quite a distinctive story. The chances are she won't come swimming anyway if she has seen it. Its a huge shame for the kids though if they're such good friends.

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 14:43

AgnestaVipers · 08/09/2022 13:26

You do realise that her children will grow up having the same views as their Mother?

That is an absurd statement. My parents were homophobic. I'm a great big lezzer.
The absolutism on the thread says much about why we are such a polarised society these days.

So you still have a rel with them? How did they respond when you told them?

pikiwop54 · 08/09/2022 14:49

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 13:15

Out of interest

Will you tell your children you’re bisexual?

Why is that relevant?

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 15:11

Pure nosiness!

AgnestaVipers · 08/09/2022 15:17

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 14:43

So you still have a rel with them? How did they respond when you told them?

Show quote history

My Dad insisted on calling my female partner "your colleague" but then he was in his eighties. 😁

I'm afraid my mum and I are now NC, though not exactly over the gay thing.

mast0650 · 08/09/2022 15:18

Well done. That must have been hard. Unfortunately I think her response this time actually made things worse. It's clearly a much bigger thing for her than not enjoying watching gay sex on tv!

Good luck with finding some more compatible friends.

Theblacksheepandme · 08/09/2022 15:20

AgnestaVipers · 08/09/2022 13:26

You do realise that her children will grow up having the same views as their Mother?

That is an absurd statement. My parents were homophobic. I'm a great big lezzer.
The absolutism on the thread says much about why we are such a polarised society these days.

Not at all absurd, as children we have the same views as our parents. We then grow up and continue these views or start to develop our own views. Are you trying to tell me that a child will stand up to their parents and tell them they are wrong in being homophobic, racist etc? Maybe from teens but younger than that definitely not.

Calphurnia88 · 08/09/2022 15:36

Theblacksheepandme · 08/09/2022 15:20

Not at all absurd, as children we have the same views as our parents. We then grow up and continue these views or start to develop our own views. Are you trying to tell me that a child will stand up to their parents and tell them they are wrong in being homophobic, racist etc? Maybe from teens but younger than that definitely not.

Show quote history

Are you saying that all children with racist, homophobic parents are racist, homophobic pre-pubescents?

I agree that a teenager is more likely to challenge their parents opinions, but to suggest a child under the age of 13 could hold such strong prejudices seems really alien to me.

Theblacksheepandme · 08/09/2022 15:43

Calphurnia88 · 08/09/2022 15:36

Are you saying that all children with racist, homophobic parents are racist, homophobic pre-pubescents?

I agree that a teenager is more likely to challenge their parents opinions, but to suggest a child under the age of 13 could hold such strong prejudices seems really alien to me.

Show quote history

Yes, I am saying that, if the parents are open with these views towards their children.

Theblacksheepandme · 08/09/2022 15:53

@Calphurnia88
My daughter was told by pre-pubescent children that she was going to hell for being an atheist. I wonder where they got these views from in a catholic Ireland?

Calphurnia88 · 08/09/2022 16:13

Theblacksheepandme · 08/09/2022 15:53

@Calphurnia88
My daughter was told by pre-pubescent children that she was going to hell for being an atheist. I wonder where they got these views from in a catholic Ireland?

That's awful!

Maybe I should give my family credit for being more liberal and open minded than I thought growing up.

Bard6817 · 08/09/2022 17:59

Being blunt, at times we are all offended by others, that doesn’t mean one person in the right or wrong at either end when it happens. Many people do find same sex relationships grim, if they didn’t perhaps they would enjoy them.

If she knowingly was offensive to you, i’d say you’d have more grounds to be upset, but you’ve kept this aspect of yourself secret from her, so it’s a bit unfair for her to take all the blame here.

I say all of this as a bisexual. Being offended is ultimately your choice in this situation. Sadly these days, many people choose to be so.