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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end this friendship now I know what she would really think of me….

498 replies

EmptyHouse0822 · 07/09/2022 11:55

I have a friend and we met because our children go to the same school. It started off as just chatting on the playground, then going out with the children and now we will also go out just the two of us.

We have been friends for about 2.5 years and I would say we are pretty close in that we talk to each other about our problems and we know we can trust each other.

Anyhow, this morning, completely out the blue she made some very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians and although she was trying to pass it off as a joke the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant.

The problem is that even though she doesn’t know it, I am bisexual and so her comments made me really uncomfortable. Obviously I’m married with children so she would have no reason at all to suspect I can be attracted to women and so wouldn’t see any reason why her comments would upset me on a personal level.

Even if I wasn’t bisexual I wouldn’t have found her comments acceptable at all.

But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can carry on this friendship knowing how disapproving she is of an aspect of my life but as we’ve been friends for so long and out children are good friends it wouldn’t make sense to anyone if I just pulled away from her.

I don’t know how to navigate this and I’m already dreading seeing her on the school run this afternoon.

AIBU to just pull back from the friendship and tell her why?

OP posts:
Freedomfighters · 08/09/2022 09:02

I expect your friendship is over now anyway then.

shrunkenhead · 08/09/2022 09:03

Implying that it's not her thing is one thing but saying negative things about the LGBT+ community isn't on. I have, in the past, had to say to "friends " we'll have to agree to disagree on this issue and they know not to raise it again. My true friends know better as they know I have gay friends and know I'm pan myself. You don't have to "reveal" anything to your "friend" just tell her you can't understand why it bothers her so much as it really doesn't bother you. Then maybe wave a little rainbow flag at her for comedy value!

shrunkenhead · 08/09/2022 09:09

After reading your update it will be interesting to see how the friendship goes from here.....

Freedomfighters · 08/09/2022 09:11

Did she say negative things? I missed that.

Festoonlights · 08/09/2022 09:37

So she is standing by her comments, and actually in my view she has doubled down in fact.

She isn't saying same sex relationships isn't for me
She has just confirmed "same-sex relationships/sex aren’t nice"
Aren't nice....
So not a personal taste thing, but a general comment about same sex couples.

I think she has just confirmed her views, and they are homophobic. She isn't talking about herself in this context, or her aversion to having to watch sex on TV - she is talking directly about gay people in general.

You were very brave to tell her op, and to call her out. She most definitely needed to hear it.
For the sake of the children, I would remain civil and polite, but cool the adult side of the friendship down to zero on this update.

How do you feel about it?

It will be interesting to see if she backtracks in the next few hours....

Original poster
EmptyHouse0822 · 08/09/2022 10:22

Festoonlights · 08/09/2022 09:37

So she is standing by her comments, and actually in my view she has doubled down in fact.

She isn't saying same sex relationships isn't for me
She has just confirmed "same-sex relationships/sex aren’t nice"
Aren't nice....
So not a personal taste thing, but a general comment about same sex couples.

I think she has just confirmed her views, and they are homophobic. She isn't talking about herself in this context, or her aversion to having to watch sex on TV - she is talking directly about gay people in general.

You were very brave to tell her op, and to call her out. She most definitely needed to hear it.
For the sake of the children, I would remain civil and polite, but cool the adult side of the friendship down to zero on this update.

How do you feel about it?

It will be interesting to see if she backtracks in the next few hours....

I feel quite sad about it to be honest.

She was just so blasé about it and surely friendship isn’t about picking and choosing which parts of them you like and don’t like, especially when it comes to sexuality. The fact that I “don’t do that anymore” doesn’t mean it’s a part of me that no longer exists.

I feel quite hurt actually.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 08/09/2022 10:22

Ah well now we know.

Interesting to see whether you want to continue your friendship.

I think it's clear it won't be the same. She's rejecting part of who you are.

That said, she's had the experience of having her prejudices disproved, if you like, by her friendship with you who she clearly doesn't think 'not nice'.
That could shift her. She's probably wrestling with cognitive dissonance now, as indeed are you!

picklemewalnuts · 08/09/2022 10:23

How disappointing.

SleeplessInEngland · 08/09/2022 10:26

It must be so exhausting being homophobic. Just feeling so out of step with modern society all the time.

AgnestaVipers · 08/09/2022 10:31

I think you are right to feel hurt. She doubled down and was rude. This is one of those friendships that didn't stand the test of time. It's sad, but it happens all the time.

Move on. Celebrate your bi-ness somehow. 😀

Original poster
EmptyHouse0822 · 08/09/2022 10:37

AgnestaVipers · 08/09/2022 10:31

I think you are right to feel hurt. She doubled down and was rude. This is one of those friendships that didn't stand the test of time. It's sad, but it happens all the time.

Move on. Celebrate your bi-ness somehow. 😀

😂😂

I might make the effort to be-friend another school gate mum that I actually have a mini crush on 😂

In reality I will brush it off though as a lesson learnt and wait for my husband to come home and cheer me up. He knows I’m feeding a bit put out by it all so a big hug from him will be lovely.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 08/09/2022 10:38

I understand why you feel hurt.
Don't write her off just yet, give her time to get used to the idea.
Definitely don't accept it becoming a forbidden topic, tho.

GreenManalishi · 08/09/2022 10:46

@Lavenderflower

I personally do not think there is anything wrong with Gay or Lesbian sex. However, I wouldn't want to watch gay or lesbian sex because this is something I am not into.

Just out of interest, what do you like watching? What are your favourite films? Box sets?

I'm fairly sure that they contain themes and depictions of things you're not into..

is it possible that a jewellery heist is something you're also not into but as it doesn't challenge your covert homophobia it's ok? Have a little think.

It's just another way of saying, I don't care what they do in the privacy of their own homes but I don't want to see it!

The lack of awareness on this thread is astounding, I must live in a bubble.

TedMullins · 08/09/2022 10:49

She’s confirmed she’s a raging homophobe. I can’t believe all the people here saying ‘don’t write her off’ or ‘just don’t talk about it’. That’s how prejudices continue in society. I’d be telling her in no uncertain terms that we wouldn’t be friends anymore because of her views. She doesn’t deserve any kind of gentle handling here. Doesn’t matter how she was raised or whether she’s not “desensitised” to gay sex, they’re not excuses.

Doingprettywellthanks · 08/09/2022 10:50

What a convo to have before 9am presumably on the school run! 😂

GreenManalishi · 08/09/2022 10:54

You've not lost a friend, you've exposed her as a narrow minded homophobe. She doesn't deserve your friendship, I knew she would double down.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, for anyone minimizing this, you're as bad as the woman in question.

Educate yourselves and do better.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 08/09/2022 11:02

That was brave of you to talk to her about it OP.

In the interests of self-protection though, you've just come out to someone who is clearly at least slightly hostile and could be unpredictable. You may want to consider coming out to other people in your friendship group who you trust, because there is a chance ex-friend may try to shit-stir. If you talk to them first them at least you own the story, IYSWIM.

AgnestaVipers · 08/09/2022 11:12

You've not lost a friend, you've exposed her as a narrow minded homophobe.
I hate this kind of comment. It's so stupidly black and white. Yes, she was a friend. Her bigotry around homosexuality is unpleasant, but doesn't erase the years they have been friends.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, for anyone minimizing this, you're as bad as the woman in question.

Educate yourselves and do better.

Spoken like a true Gen Z zealot.

SleeplessInEngland · 08/09/2022 11:16

Spoken like a true Gen Z zealot.

It says more about you than the poster you're replying to that you think homophobia is only a deal-breaker for the young.

bringincrazyback · 08/09/2022 11:19

She was clearly taken aback and didn’t speak for what felt like the longest 5 seconds in the world and she said that I was married and didn’t “do that” anymore then it didn’t need to be a big deal

She'd have lost me at this remark, OP. Who does she think she is?!

AgnestaVipers · 08/09/2022 11:21

I'm a lesbian. I'm also a big girl who knows people are often full of bewildering contradictions.

I also know people have the capacity to change.

I also know I can walk away from people who are bigots - indeed, that is all I can do. That is what I advise OP to do.

I see a lot of the sound and fury on this thread as virtue-signalling.

SleeplessInEngland · 08/09/2022 11:23

AgnestaVipers · 08/09/2022 11:21

I'm a lesbian. I'm also a big girl who knows people are often full of bewildering contradictions.

I also know people have the capacity to change.

I also know I can walk away from people who are bigots - indeed, that is all I can do. That is what I advise OP to do.

I see a lot of the sound and fury on this thread as virtue-signalling.

Fantastic, you're willing to put up with more shit than other people are. Doesn't make them woke/Gen Z/virtue signallers/whatever the new term of the day is.

Festoonlights · 08/09/2022 11:32

I am quite shocked that she said, but you are not 'like that' anymore.
I can't believe she would say such an awful thing, as if it is something to be ashamed of, covered up, hidden away.

I don't think you can ever be friends after this op, I am sorry you are so hurt, but it is better you know now what you are dealing with and didn't waste decades on such a shallow person.

The lack of awareness is astounding. Anyone telling me they were bi, especially in this context, surely she would be keen to know this side of you as her friend, happy you shared such an important part of yourself. Inquisitive as to how you made your decision to get married and embracing of a deeper friendship between you.

What a stupid woman. She sounds stupid, and I don't use that word lightly. She has lost a great friendship in the space of a day, and you do sound so lovely op, it is her loss. Let us know how the next one goes with your girl crush - that sounds more exciting anyway!!!! 😉

WrongWayApricot · 08/09/2022 11:35

Wow she really stuck to it. This thread reminds of the peep show nazi friend episode. So awkward 😬 At least it hasn't gone as far as it did in peep show OP 😂

ladydoris · 08/09/2022 11:37

One big hug for you this morning OP. That was tough. She does not have a clue what a bi is. I don't know if you would have time for her in the future. I would also be careful because she might want to out you or something. Is she homophobic? I still don't know. I've seen homophobia at play in RL and for me it's another kind of scary ugly beast. What did it for me is when she said "let's not talk about it". This I could not. I can't put things under the rug with a friend. Sorry. I could have a friend who would tell me "I can't get it". Or even "I don't agree with you on this". We don't have to agree to everything our friends do, or align with every single ones of their values. But not " let's not talk about it". This is hurtful to me. Especially if you said that it pertains to who you are. You have been true. Will she turn round? Can she ? Is this the best that she can do? Something is tugging though. I hope that you find a better friend.💐

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