To end this friendship now I know what she would really think of me….

[EmptyHouse0822]

I have a friend and we met because our children go to the same school. It started off as just chatting on the playground, then going out with the children and now we will also go out just the two of us.

We have been friends for about 2.5 years and I would say we are pretty close in that we talk to each other about our problems and we know we can trust each other.

Anyhow, this morning, completely out the blue she made some very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians and although she was trying to pass it off as a joke the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant.

The problem is that even though she doesn’t know it, I am bisexual and so her comments made me really uncomfortable. Obviously I’m married with children so she would have no reason at all to suspect I can be attracted to women and so wouldn’t see any reason why her comments would upset me on a personal level.

Even if I wasn’t bisexual I wouldn’t have found her comments acceptable at all.

But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can carry on this friendship knowing how disapproving she is of an aspect of my life but as we’ve been friends for so long and out children are good friends it wouldn’t make sense to anyone if I just pulled away from her.

I don’t know how to navigate this and I’m already dreading seeing her on the school run this afternoon.

AIBU to just pull back from the friendship and tell her why?

I am inclined to think your friend may have some homophobic tendencies. However, I also do recognise that gay and lesbian sex has not being normalised in the same way heterosexual sexual. For example, it is much more common to see heterosexual sex scenes on tv than gay or lesbian sex.

I personally do not think there is anything wrong with Gay or Lesbian sex. However, I wouldn't want to watch gay or lesbian sex because this is something I am not into. I don't personally think there is anything wrong with people having anal sex but at the same I do find it repulsive. Therefore I couldn't watch these type of sex scene whether it involved a heterosexual couple or gay or lesbian couple.

You clearly don’t know what hate speech means.

I certainly am. Ew, you dirty heteros.

@AgnestaVipers 🤣

And I doubt many gay people are repulsed by the idea of a heterosexual couple having sex. Why on earth would they be?

I really am. Hairy, testicles, pork sword, poor hygiene...ew.

That sounds like a repulsion to male genitalia as opposed to heterosexual sex though 😂😂

No. men smell disgusting.

Believe me, I've been through all this. I am as lesbian as they get.

No. men smell disgusting.

You bigoty bigot.

There are a few people, in addition to me, who have said they 'prefer not to think about it' in the same way as preferring not to think about our parents or kids having sex- we know it happens, but prefer not to think too much about it!

We're desensitised to seeing straight sex in a way we aren't (yet) to gay sex. That's heteronormativity, not bigotry.

I'd prefer not to have been desensitised to straight sex as well, but the world we live in has moved past that.

And we're currently trying hard to take it a step further and normalise kink.

This thread contains lots of homophobic comments. I don’t think some of the posters even realise it’s homophobic when they type it but equally won’t listen when when people point it out.
it’s very frustrating.

I agree I've seen a few homophobic comments.

I'm pretty sure I'd disagree with you about a lot more comments, including mine.

I'd like you to consider that you are making assumptions about the thinking of people who hold opinions and thoughts you consider homophobic. Maybe you are projecting on to them other thoughts, beliefs and feelings you've seen associated with those opinions.

You don't know the people who are speaking.
You are assuming that 'Fred said A,' so therefore she must be homophobic.

Why are you so sure that A = homophobia when you don't know Fred's attitude to anything except A.

Unless you think A is all there is to homosexuality?
Surely there's far more to gay people than who and how they have sex? Why can't Fred be a brilliant neighbour and friend to gay people while still not wanting to watch gay sex scenes on tv?

You laughed at that post, but really it is the reverse of what your friend said?

Perhaps engineer another conversation to see what she really feels. It could have been an off the cuff comment like above, or it could have a deeper meaning.

If you're determined not to try to talk it through with her, that's up to you.
I think it'd be far too hasty to back off without trying to sort things out.

I'm really surprised at some of the comments on this thread, which are as bad as the ones bad by OPs friend.
It's pretty clear that she did not say 'I find (all) sex scenes a bit hard to watch,' or 'I'm fine with gay people having sex but I don't want to watch it on TV' (still homophobic).
Or even 'I think gay sex scenes are disgusting' which while inappropriate and homophobic was at least make it clear she understood it was just her opinion.
She said gay sex scenes specifically ARE (presenting it as fact) disgusting, women having sex with women is even more disgusting than men with men, and women having sex with each other is grim. That is blatantly, overtly homophobic., and not someone I'd want to be friends with even if you weren't bi.

I think you need to say something OP, even if it's via text. Perhaps something like. 'I should have said something at the time but when you said xxx yesterday it really shocked and upset me to find out you hold such homophobic views. I'm actually bisexual and have gay friends, and to find out you think the idea of me having sex with my previous partners, or my friends being in committed relationships , is "grim" and disgusting" is really upsetting.'

Then leave it in her court.

So in this scenario, not only does Fred not want to watch gay sex scenes on TV -which by the way, hasn't been confirmed as what Fred actually objected to, since all we know is Fred was watching a programme about the gay scene (although from the responses on here you'd think Fred had been watching hardcore gay porn) - Fred thinks it appropriate to share his completely unsolicited views on homosexuality with another member of the public. Views which include descriptive words such as 'disgusting' and 'grim.'

It doesn't really matter whether or not Fred is a good neighbour, or whether Fred has gay friends. A homophobic comment is a homophobic comment.

I don't need people to agree with me about 99% of things. I don't care if my friends have different views to me on politics, tv, music, food, how to bring up kids, education, etc. I do need friends who understand that what 2 consenting adults do together isn't "grim" or "disgusting", just because they are both the same sex. That's the 1%.

And for the poster who keeps making the ridiculous shellfish analogy, that will only be applicable when people stop getting beaten up, disowned, and murdered for not liking shellfish. FFS.

I don't need people to agree with me about 99% of things. I don't care if my friends have different views to me on politics, tv, music, food, how to bring up kids, education, etc. I do need friends who understand that what 2 consenting adults do together isn't "grim" or "disgusting", just because they are both the same sex. That's the 1%.

This 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I don't need people to agree with me about 99% of things. I don't care if my friends have different views to me on politics, tv, music, food, how to bring up kids, education, etc. I do need friends who understand that what 2 consenting adults do together isn't "grim" or "disgusting", just because they are both the same sex. That's the 1%.

This is exactly it.

Her views on same-sex couples may only be 1% of the things we disagree on bits is very, very important 1%.

It upsets me to think that if she knew about my sexuality she would think what I did was grim and disgusting. It feels heart breaking to know what’s what a friend would think of me. She would make me feel ashamed to be myself.

@SlickShady yes you appear to be missing a lot…

She would make me feel ashamed to be myself.

You don't know that.
Talk about it with her.

I hope you managed to speak with her op and it turned out to be a misunderstanding rather than honophoboa. If it’s the latter I would drop her like a stone.

I've always thought homophobic people are secretly or subconsciously harbouring homosexual thoughts themselves.

I do agree that her comments are homophobic but I think it’s natural for some people to sort of recoil from sex that is outside of their experience.

I find the thought of myself engaging in lesbian sex more weird than imagining a gay homosexual couple having sex. Maybe because the gay couple could never be me but the lesbian sex could be theoretically possible. So in that respect, I do find lesbian sex scenes harder to watch on TV than gay male sex or hetero sex.

Well I spoke to her this morning and I said that I had felt a bit uncomfortable with her comments yesterday and she said that it was just her opinion that same-sex relationships/sex aren’t nice. I then bit the bullet and told her that I was bisexual and that’s why her comments, especially about women having sex with women, had made me feel so strange. She was clearly taken aback and didn’t speak for what felt like the longest 5 seconds in the world and she said that I was married and didn’t “do that” anymore then it didn’t need to be a big deal and we just shouldn’t talk about it anymore.

I honestly didn’t know what to make of it - and still don’t really.

Anyhow, she then went to work and have just been pondering over her comments ever since.