It's my money and I'll spend it ...

[OldAgeWorries]

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

Yabu it was his money, willed to him by his family.
He can do what he likes with it.

Is he always this selfish? I had a small inheritance recently (a few months pay) and although we keep our finances separate, DH was part of the discussion of what I should do with it. I ended up spending half on a family holiday and half clearing some of my debts.

Yes it is technically his money but I just can't get my head round how he doesn't even consider you. Does he ever do nice things for you?

I think if his aunt wanted it to go to both of you then she would have specified that in the will?
I always think it’s odd to lay claim to inheritance money left to someone just because you’re married to them.

Meh he's miserly.

I would reduce going out and state you can't afford to go 50:50 with all the price increases so you need to stay home as you still have debt to repay.

Sadly I think you may find out he's actually miserly unless he's spending on himself. Not an attractive quality

@NotMyselfWithoutCoffee aren't you a joy lol - of course he can do with it what he LIKES, no one is saying otherwise - it's the fact that he clearly doesn't LIKE to share any portion of it with his DW, whom he is supposed to love and who is supposed to be his life partner, that is the problem.

See what he says when you ask him directly but honestly, OP, it sounds like this is part of a very long-term pattern of meanness. I would not want to grow old with a selfish man.

I know plenty of married couples organise their financial affairs the way you do it, but I don’t understand it. seems to me that you get married and become one family unit so all money goes into one pot and bills come out and whatever is left is saved for emergencies and the future.
YANBU expecting this windfall from your DH’s relative to go into a family pot for all of you to benefit.
I would hate this situation you are in and would feel very excluded as if there’s no point at all being married if I wasn’t in his heart and mind as he celebrates his good fortune.
He’s mean OP !
But you knew that already the first time he didn’t pay for your birthday meal.

When I inherited money, I saw it as family money and used it to pay down the mortgage. It meant the whole mortgage was paid off more quickly and we could put cash away to help the DDs with their own housing costs when the time came. I wouldn’t have dreamt it was meant for my own personal use. DH and I have always seen any money coming into the household as a joint pot, perhaps as your household has always viewed income as separate, he sees no reason to change that view.

My DH's mum sadly passed away a few years ago, he straight away on receiving his inheritance paid the maximum allowed off our mortgage and has put the rest aside to clear our mortgage come December when we can (without incurring a penalty charge). I did say to him it's your money, is that what you want to do with it and he insisted yes, not an issue. That's what married couples do, they take care of each other not just themselves.

I don't think he is wrong necessarily. My dh inherited £90k from his parents and that is his money. He did buy me a car, but I didn't expect it. 10 years later, he still has half of it. It gives him peace of mind.

@IDidntKnowItWasAParty

She shouldn't feel entitled to it though, if his aunt wanted them both to have it she would have willed it to both.
If op has a problem with that then she should leave.
Money seems to bring out the greed in people.

@OldAgeWorries I am sorry you are in this difficult situation.
Your husband is mean and it doesn't bode well. My sister has been in a similar marriage. She signed a prenup over some £50k savings. She has to pay half of all meals out. Same transfer s*it. The husband earns twice her salary. It is not a happy home.
I am lucky as my husband would give me his last penny. I earn five times his salary and when it is bonus time I pay off any debt. We pay for housing and food equally but no one is counting. I have been ill in the past and couldn't work. He paid everything working 80 hour weeks.
I think the problem is communication. My husband inherited and he bought me a lovely gift and paid all debts. He even bought my father a gift (our last surving parent). The rest went towards our home.
I would be saying right what are your plans for the windfall? Are you intending to reduce the mortgage and debts? If he isn't I would seriously be thinking of not spending my old age with him. Would he pay for nursing care if you needed it? Love should be all encompassing.

My OH and I still have separate finances and he was gifted a sum of money on his grandmothers death. That was his choice in what to do with it. We did have joint children and he did spend it on family things.

My issue with your OH is he is using it only on himself and isn't even looking for you both to enjoy it, getting himself a car and booking a boys holiday is pretty shit. I do wonder if you looked back over the years if he was a bloke you met quickly post divorce living in a flat that fell on his feet with you as i bet it was your home and he has benefited from living in a large house and kids half paid for. As his selfishness seems rather odd

He is not a nice man

@NotMyselfWithoutCoffee she doesn't feel entitled to it - she seems to feel hurt that the person who is supposed to love her isn't considering her at all, even a tiny amount for her debt, he's just spending it all on himself. Money does indeed seem to bring out the greed in people, in this case the OP's H is the greedy one. I agree that if OP has a problem with being married to a selfish man, she should leave.

The more the post the worse he sounds. You have to transfer half of every meal out to him, but when it's his birthday you pay. You say he is a bit tight, but also he is a spender. So basically he is tight towards you but not himself. He'll spend his own money but not on you.

He is mean.

How much is the car he is buying?

My husband and I have a very similar set up to you, both financially and with family set up. He came in to a sum of money (less than your DH by the sounds of it).

He paid off the mortgage. His decision benefits us both hugely. The remaining amount he is considering solar panels but also spending it on his favourite expensive hobby. I don't begrudge this. But if he'd blown the lot on himself alone, whilst I think it's within his rights, I would have been upset and thought less of him. And wouldn't be sharing any of my future inheritance with him.

I think marriage makes you partners on a joint journey through life. I have inherited. My husband hasn't and won't. I have never seen my inheritance as my money. It is ours. The situation is different in that we met at 21 and have been married only to each other. There are no step children. Nevertheless, I think a holiday would you should be higher up his priority list than a holiday with mates. I wold also put gifts to his children on the list and paying off your loan. Generosity of spirit is important and, sadly, it seems that your husband is behaving like a greedy, petulant and selfish git who doesn't care about his wife.

Some years ago when my aunt unexpectedly inherited from a cousin, she had to clear his house which had furniture that belonged to my great great grandparents. She sent photos to all her siblings, nieces and nephews and asked what each wanted. She also gave a small sum of money to each too, and took great pleasure in sharing her good fortune. It is generous and not expected by any of us, but it brought us all closer together and I get a great deal of pleasure out of owning my great great grandparents' side table and of seeing the other bits and bobs in my cousins' houses.

honestly -i would never pay for anything again for him/his kids etc
I would ask him outright, could you help me out with this small debt seeing as we are married ?

i would be raging - he is out of order.

same applies if a woman inherited this and didnt even help her partner out.

my friend who was not married, got 10k off her then boyfriend to help with her debts when he came into substantial money.

I think you need to tell us his good points OP, 'cos I'm struggling here.

I have never expected anything from him and won't start now.

This is a very different understanding of marriage from the one I have. No-one is perfect, and nor is any marriage. But in general, I expect my husband to support me, take account of my needs and preferences and sometimes do things he wouldn’t otherwise do for my benefit - and I do exactly the same for him.

DH inherited a comparable sum at a comparable life stage, although there are no children either side. We have always shared finances - joint current account, joint savings accounts, any sole accounts are for practical (e.g. tax) or historical reasons, but are still viewed as joint money.

When he inherited, we both got a new car - mine was more expensive because I do more miles, so mine is the main/long journey car and his is the little runaround. We both made a lump sum payment into our pensions. And the rest of the money was invested in a managed portfolio - initially in joint names, but over the years it was gradually transferred into ISA’s in each of our names.

So in actual fact, DH has given me half of his inheritance - and if I do inherit (although DM is doing a good job of spending it), I will do the same. They key thing is - we discussed and agreed what to do with the money.

@riserved she says I have no intention of splitting with him so presumably he has plenty of good points and she isn't on the brink of divorce about this, despite the tidal wave of rallying to that effect. Again, they haven't even discussed this. The OP doubtless has her own mix of good and bad points and it seems like they've slotted together well so far, even if their way if not for everyone.

Maybe not now, but if the bulk of it was invested, it could mean retiring earlier than you otherwise would.

My DH was 50 when he inherited, and apart from a new car for each of us, the money was invested in pensions and ISA’s. We then retired when he was 61 and me 57 - and that was possible because of the inheritance money.

I've no idea what you get out of this marriage.

You have subsidised his kids for years yet you pay half towards your own birthday meal. It all sounds very transactional and loveless.

Not in a hundred years could I find such a man attractive.

The inheritance issue simple holds a mirror up to how he truly is.