It's my money and I'll spend it ...

[OldAgeWorries]

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

His kids and his responsibility?!
Indeed, he knows as he paid for them.

Now it’s his inheritance but our money?!

I don’t think so OP. How geeedy do you sound.

If you kept your finances likes this all along, why suddenly expect some of his money now?! If he suddenly had a big kid related bill (even if they now are adults), would you pay?

No. you wouldn’t.

I agree with this entirely. If I suddenly inherited money from my parents (and the closeness of the person to the dead relative is neither here nor there), I wouldn’t expect my husband to suddenly stake claim to this.

Where do you read I feel entitled to it? I don't at all, I know what I would do if it were my inheritance but it's not and I'm writing to see if others feel the same. 80% do.

The car he's buying is about a third of the overall figure he's inherited after tax.

Blimey, greedy! That's a leap!

I understand your financial arrangements favour independence and that can work fine for some couples, especially where there's only one partner with kids or debt etc. - it doesn't mean they love each other less, just a different take and good protection against the worst case scenario. Each to their own. However, it sounds like he never treats you to anything and the birthday meal thing is very uneven. You need to have a frank conversation about all this.

I think he sounds tight.

fair enough if you guys were happy to split things - each to their own but for him to come into a decent sum of money and to overlook you like this is just pure greed.

if he can’t give you a couple of grand then I’m sorry but I’d have hell on

why not ask him outright? I mean who on earth does that - he didn’t deserve that money he’s clearly greedy and tight!!

not one single thought about you?!?

makes me think his ways extend far beyond finances!

It's just not very loving is it.

Do you think you'll talk to him about it and he might understand your feelings? If he won't then are you going to be able to let it go? I expect it depends how caring/suppertive he is in other ways.

Anyway YANBU, I'd have shared it.

I can't see how putting all your money in one account, when you earn the same, and then using that account to pay for meals out is in any way different to paying 50/50 from your own accounts, other than logistics.

How is paying for half a day out, presumably that you went on too, generous.

How often where these days out?

How is considered extremely generous to buy your SC a birthday gift? Would not you be buying them one anyway?

I don’t get how treating children in your life, but then saying quite clearly, ‘they’re not my responsibility I’m not paying for them’ (and I think we all know monthly CM payments massively outweighs the cost of odd day out or gifts twice a year) and. Ow expecting 5.5k back from his inheritance.

Given that this is so transactional, does this mean that he’s now covered the cost of days out and gifts etc so you’ve effectively bought them nothing???

You make money transactional like this - and you have as much as he has - this is what happens.

I came into a fraction of that money and used it to pay for family holidays and repairs to the house that DH & I agreed. It wouldn;t occur to me that it was 'my' money to spend on myself. I have chosen how to aspend it - but only on things we always wanted but couldn't afford.

It's sad that he doesn't seem to want to spend any of it on you, on mking your life easier or treats for you. I'd be less inclined to spend much on him for a while and to treat yourself pretty extravagantly instead of overpaying the mortgage for a while.

No it’s not.

It what’s yours is yours I.e. his kids) when it financially disadvantages her, but ‘what’s yours should not be just yours’ when she stands to gain.

You can’t have it both ways.

Do I think he should give her a few quid? Yes.

Can I see why, in the context of their l relationship financial carrying ons he hasn’t, also yes.

Its his money.

OP, I think the precedent is for your finances to be basically separate, so I wouldn't expect this to be 50-50, but yes, I think most people in a loving long term relationship, would think if spending some of the money making that relationship and their partner happy.

If the money only hit his account two weeks ago, maybe he's still intending to do that? If not, I'd feel a bit surprised that that didn't occur to him!

I find the response here really bizarre! I mean, technically he’s right, it’s his money but I can’t imagine for a second not sharing (obviously not 50/50 but I some capacity!) something like this with my husband or him with me if the situation were to occur, whatever our previous financial set up had been. 😬

I agree with you OP I’d be a little hurt and feel he was being a bit mean.

I think he's incredibly foolish.

You both had fun in your 20s, which means that you have less certainty now. That's understandable.

But to blow a third of his inheritance on what I presume is a quite fancy, fairly naff car is beyond ridiculous. You're not in your 20s anymore. He could, as you point out, clear the mortgage, put money into retirement, clear all debts, go on a nice family holiday, and have some left over to buy a decent car. Fuck, at that point he could finance a big dumb car (or a tiny zippy dumb car) because he'd had no other debts.

Instead he's buying a, what, £60k car? 80k? out of this money with no long term plan and no eye for any of the people he's supposed to love.

It's not just that it's foolish. It's incredibly juvenile. I understand wanting a treat. But at some point, you realize the ultimate treat is relieving the anxiety about the future and then getting yourself something nice and fun and a tiny bit pricey (a gorgeous watch, e.g., or box seats at the football or the opera, or an electric bike, IDGAF).

I can't imagine how grotesque it would be to be taken out for a birthday dinner and then expected to pull out my card. I'm not particularly bothered about money, but ugh, the sheer entitlement.

I can’t believe that the fact that the OP bought kids Christmas gifts etc, seems to make her generous.

It doesn’t.

That’s what a decent SM should do.Just imagine the roles being reversed and the OP being a man and the DH being a woman, people would be saying to the DH (if he were a she) don’t give a penny, unless you feel like it, it’s your money.

The double standards on MN strike again.

The money hit his account 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks.

Do you all decide how to spend a large amount of money in that time. He may of known about it before but maybe the rising cost of things, the general uncertainty of things at the moment has given him cause to pause and reconsider.
Up until now the only way I can see he is selfish is with regards to paying 50/50 for a birthday dinner.

I'd think it very selfish too. He's come into some unexpected money and ALL his plans relate to him. I'd be just as annoyed he wasn't thinking a little bit would be appreciated by his children. I know my husband would be thinking of fun for both of us and some extra security for both of us.

No more inheritance on the horizon, you have debt, cost of living crisis, adult children who could probably use help and he's chosen to buy a fancy new car that is not needed and is a depreciating asset?

He's both stupid and selfish. And he's shown you how he views you and the relationship. Anyone who cares about their partner wouldn't say "my money" and leave it at that.

I am a decent SM. I’m not saying I’m the greatest because I bought them Christmas gifts. I used that example to explain I didn’t expect him to pay for his kids without some support from me. Although he paid CMS I contributed to every other cost which they directly or indirectly benefitted from. So your argument is very flawed, I didn’t wash my hands of his responsibilities, I helped.

Your attitude is very immature.

Just imagine the roles being reversed and the OP being a man and the DH being a woman, people would be saying to the DH (if he were a she) don’t give a penny, unless you feel like it, it’s your money.

I think this is true. OP, you haven't spoken to him about it and he hasn't said he won't pay off your debt. You need to sit down and have a conversation about it.

He knew it was coming for ages.

Wrong thread! Sorry! How'd I end up here? I was looking at a thread about having one sink

So you paid 50% of a home that HIS children lived in some of the time?

50% of the utilities for that house?

50% of the food they ate?

50% of days out and gifts?

I would sit and wait.

I would let a couple of weeks at least go by and see how things pan out.

He was very happy for you to share the costs of his children wasn't he.

I would be seriously unimpressed if he didn't want to gift you something or a special holiday.

What are your ages?
Pensions? Etc?

He is tight so you should not be surprised at all that he has accepted you paying half but wouldn't want to return this.

How are you fixed pension wise?

Because he had better be well looked after.

I would be rethinking everything if he is as mean as you suspect he is going to be with this windfall.