It's my money and I'll spend it ...

[OldAgeWorries]

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

It would be really nice if all those accusing the OP of trying to have it both ways would actually bother to read the OPs posts. She has made it very clear from the start that, while she didn't pay toward cms, she did pay half toward birthdays, Christmasss, days out etc. So no, their finances haven't always been completely separate and the OP has spent a lot on subsidising her husband with his children.

Sorry but what’s a very selfish and immature perspective. If you’re married you should care for each other and work together. To say it’s his money and he spends it on himself alone and doesn’t even think about or care for his wife is ridiculous and childish.

I’ve seen posts here on MN one spouse is struggling with bills and debt and the other spouse inherits some money and spends it all on themselves while the other partner continues to struggle.

To me if that’s the case then you’re just F buddies not married partners.

Where did you get this from? Op said she paid for a fair bit of his kids expenses.

Why not just ask him to pay it off for you? He's your husband. Communicate.

5x your joint yearly salary would be life changing for the majority of people. He's obviously not going to miss £5k.

Having you pay half your birthday dinner is so fucking tight I couldn't have had sex with him again.

Inheritances belong to the person who inherited, and aren't family money as far as I am concerned, but I'd still expect a reasonable chunk to be used for the overall benefit of the family. So when I got an inheritance I paid off the mortgage as the first priority.

You said the mortgage is small so in my view he should definitely pay that off as well.

Does he even know you have this debt then?

Just ask him to pay it.

Bizarre set up. Can't imagine splitting things 50/50 on bills and stuff. Surely once you're married it's a household pot and the whole house either benefits or scrimps accordingly. By all means protect yourself with your own savings, but this situation is all of your own make up.

He's tight.

Do you love him? Want to stay with him?

I'd probably find this a relationship killer. So I'd be off - with half of everything bar the inheritance.

I could never be with someone as selfish as your H. If his selfishness has not shown itself before, it certainly has now - and it would make me see him in a whole new, unflatting, light.

The OP already explained that the finances weren't shared.

And no, for many of us, the money isn't joint. DH and I have a joint account for bills and pay into it according to the costs that month in proportion with our respective incomes, but otherwise we have our own accounts and our own money and spend it on what we want. And if either of us had maintenance to pay for kids from another relationship, it would come out of our own shares, not the joint account.

Just read what you said about paying half your birthday meals - wtaf OP. This guy is a total knob, how can you even be with him

I think OP is wising up at how much she's been mugged during the marriage.

THIS. I feel quite frustrated for the OP that people don't read her posts and look at the facts presented before making comments. It's also worth bearing in mind that the OP will have spent considerably more on housing than she would have had to, because there needs to be additional space for his kids. She's made a significant contribution.

I think having separate money is sensible, surely? - if you needed to leave for any reason....
No expectation here that it would/should be yours 50/50.

However if you inherit money, surely the first thing you do is help those you care about - eg a loved one's debt paid off, something to any kids for their future house deposits etc ...

So although you have always split things 50/50 he didn't really do this did he? You were always paying more as you supported his kids as well? If you went on holiday as a family you would still split the bill 50/50? You would pay half cost of their birthday day gifts?

He is a tight, greedy, miserly bastard. I wouldn't bother going out for dinner with a bloke like this.

What's in your wills and is the house held as joint tenants or as tenants in common? Is his life insurance written for you?

I can’t get past you paying half for your birthday meals. How on Earth did that start? And then you pay in full for his?

What was your loan for initially? Something for the house/household?

I do think you have an odd set up. And I also think he is quite mean for not offering you a lump sum and/or paying for a nice holiday.

You say it’s a 6 figure amount, so 5k isn’t really that much really. Yes he is being tight.

Do you still treat his kids when you go out for meals? Pay half with your DH? If so, perhaps just pay for yourself next time.

My husband received some money and i said to him that we had to make it last. He said it was his and it was up to him. It went into our joint account so i spent it when i wanted to He never said anything

I think that, in a loving relationship, if one person has some good fortune it’s right to share it. In this case the car might be ?20% of the inheritance, the boy’s holiday, say 5-10% and to pay of the debt for the OP would be maybe 1-2%. Hardly unreasonable. However, the OP doesn’t seem to have really discussed this with her H which she should. If he really nitpicks about contributions the DC’s expenses that is unfair as they are his DC and it sounds as if the OP did more than her fair share. And as for going halves on her birthday meal......

My mums estate is about to be distributed and I have no intention of sharing mine, it would not be expected either, if finances are separate they are separate. My OH would not even know how much is in my account unless I choose to tell him, I don’t know how much is in his.

How did you come to the current arrangement? I have a few friends who have much more separate finances second time around - because they felt unfairly treated through their divorces and preferred to be self sufficient. I'd still expect him to do something nice for you though. And to use the money to help his kids out.

He sounds extremely ungenerous in general if he makes you pay half for your birthday meal. Maybe this situation has crept up on you, but it certainly isn't right or normal.
No, you are not BU but he now would only be doing it under sufferance if he didn't think to offer in the first place/take you both away for a fabulous holiday.
I personally couldn't be married to someone so tight.

If I inherited this amount of money I would pay off all debt. All credit cards, all bank loans, all car loans and the mortgage. I would pay for a nice family holiday. I'd probably give the children between 5 and 10 thousand each. Then I'd do any major house renovation that had been on the long finger (bathroom conversion/patio/garden). After that I'd think about a new car (only if needed) for both of us. In our marriage (first) it's always been 50/50. Men are idiots about cars so I wouldn't have an issue with him getting a flash car (even if I think it's stupid)

In your case I think your husband, who is now going to be your life long partner is exceedingly selfish. You shouldn't have to ask. But if I were you and he didn't pay off the miserly 5 thousand debt you have and the mortgage I would question whether it was worth staying with someone so selfish. Has he suggested even one thing out of his inheritance for you?

very selfish of him, it would eat away at me that his spontaneous reaction wasnt to share this with you. i unexpectedly inherited a large amount from a family friend a couple of years ago and it gave me huge pleasure to give my husband half. we had struggled month to month and now the lack of financial pressure is amazing.