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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's my money and I'll spend it ...

387 replies

OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 10:50

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

OP posts:
sundayvibeswig22 · 07/09/2022 12:49

@VatofTea

Is he an only child? Did he never learn to share?

^
What a horrible assumption. I've an only child and now many more and they all share fine thanks- in fact they're usually the first to offer their snack/ give someone a turn etc.

NKFell · 07/09/2022 12:49

I think I would expect a bit of both, treat himself but also clear your debt.

It would seem odd for me to be having a load of fun and my partner to be struggling.

Also, you have never been responsible for child maintenance, that would be weird.

MsRosley · 07/09/2022 12:49

BatteryPoweredMammy · 07/09/2022 12:41

In your opening posts, you sound like a carefree single twenty something, not a mature adult. But the fact he’s tight with money (going halves on your birthday meals FFS!), suggests that your relationship isn’t necessarily based on shared ideals. Does he look after you when when you’re sick, for instance?

Do you not regularly sit down and have sensible discussions about money, savings and debts. Especially with regards to the current financial climate and soaring inflation rates?

To be honest, I think you’re being very short sighted and simply hoping for the best. You’re already in your mid-40’s. You’ll be mid-50’s before you can blink.

What plans have you agreed if ;

one of you is made redundant? Will you be expected to use up any savings/get into debt to continue to pay 50% of the bills?

one of you gets sick and has to give up working and live on sickness benefits. Hopefully, you realise that most benefits are determined on your joint incomes, not expenditure, and if you’re sick you could be left with zero income.

what ages are you hoping to retire at and how will you fund it?

I’m in my late 50’s and already 4 of my good friends are dead. All had been in relationships and working full time in good jobs. You cannot assume that you’re going to stay healthy and still be happily working till you’re 70.

As you’re married, you really ought to be able to discuss this inheritance in terms of your joint financial future proofing. The fact he wants to blow significant sums on himself and hasn’t offered to pay off your small-ish debt speaks volumes as to how quickly he might ditch you if your financial circumstances change for the worse.

Honestly, you need to get your head out of the sand and think about your future with this man who appears not to care as much about you as you do about him. Think about that!

Very sensible advice here, OP. Wake up!

sponsabillaries · 07/09/2022 12:51

I would be interested to know his response when you ask him directly if he will pay off your loan for you. I don't think you're unreasonable to ask.

Badger1970 · 07/09/2022 12:51

DH had a substantial inheritance from his Dad. I didn't feel I had any right whatsoever to tell him how to spend it.

I won't get any inheritances whatsoever from my family, but had there been a chance of any, I would be mine to spend as I wish.

StormTreader · 07/09/2022 12:52

OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 12:16

No I used to take him to a posher restaurant than we would normally go and pay for his birthday meal. Until this year ...

Show quote history

You've taught him how to treat you - that he's the primary important one and you're the +1.

Jan6755 · 07/09/2022 12:52

@cormorant5

We are the same, everything is shared and accessible, some people don't like that though, but if you trust each other and have shared values I think this is the best way to go (Disclaimer - I would say that as he has more money than I do!)

Further disclaimer - neither of us ever cheated or could be bothered leaving so it isn't that big a risk (I love him really!)

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 07/09/2022 12:52

Mischance · 07/09/2022 11:30

I am baffled about the way married couples deal with their finances. Fancy splitting the cost of a meal out! - sounds crazy to me!

When I married we got a joint account and all savings went into another joint account. It was never a matter for discussion - it just seemed the obvious thing to do. I trusted him to use our money wisely and he trusted me. We would discuss any big or out of the ordinary expenditure proposals. There were times when I was earning more and times when he was - it made no difference to the arrangement - all went into joint pot. And when we had a legacy that too went in the joint pot for us both to use.

It made life very easy when he died as far as finances were concerned.

OP - I think your OH is being mega mean. He is buying an expensive car for himself when he knows you are carrying a debt that he could easily pay off for you. Unbelievable.

All depends on when you marry in life though!!!!

For me, 1st marriage, we both were very young and came to the table with nothing. So it made sense to just be one financial unit.

2nd marriage, my DH came to the table with no assets and a chunk of debt. Whereas, I had a house with substantial equity. After 1st marriage failing, due to ExH womanising, there was no way I was going to put 2nd DH on the deeds to my only asset, because my first experience of marriage had taught me that sometimes you just don't know when someone will let you down.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 07/09/2022 12:52

SanaT · 07/09/2022 11:37

Maybe he is planning to surprise you OP?

How kong ago did he actually receive the money?

You're very optimistic, which is a lovely trait, but do you actually think that that's likely here?

user1471538283 · 07/09/2022 12:52

It's just mean minded though. I would not pay half towards anything for his DC anymore and I would be looking at feather my own nest further.

I couldn't imagine having an unexpected windfall and not sharing any with my significant other.

SilentHedges · 07/09/2022 12:54

OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 12:25

No practicalities. I've suggested he puts the max into Premium Bonds and ISAs so it doesn't all get chipped away as he's a bit of a spender and always has been. The new car is quite extravagant but he's always wanted it.

We're fortunate and I'm grateful I'm not on the breadline but it makes me wonder when we're older what the situation will be. We'll be mortgage free by then but will he be retired at 60, have a wardrobe full of designer gear and the newest car while I'm still working til 75?? God I hope not. This is what I'm genuinely worried doubt hence the user name.

@OldAgeWorries I've sat and read all these posts, weighing up the opinions. The clincher for me was when you said he has you paying HALF for your birthday dinners. Ok, that was bad, until you said you take him to a nicer restaurant and pay for his dinners in FULL. He's spectacularly selfish and doesn't even hide it. I've quoted you above, because you've hit the nail on the head, this is EXACTLY what is going to happen, in your old age, he will be having a nice time and you'll be less able to afford things. You have to ask yourself why it wouldn't be this way, because none of the evidence so far suggests it will be any different? Although as you say he's a spender, he may have blown it all by then anyway.

At a minimum he should be paying off the joint mortgage so at least that way you have more cash to invest in your future/pension/debt. Sometimes it's not even about what is practically the right thing to do or who spent how much on what in the past, it's about a marriage, a partnership, being a team and doing what's best for the future of you both. It's about love, its about caring for your partner. If he's unwilling to be a team, sadly you have your answer, he really doesn't give a shit. I also predict you will start running into serious issues in the near future, when he starts doing a lot of stuff you can't afford, widening the already visible gulf between you. I'm sorry OP. YANBU

CarmenBizet · 07/09/2022 12:54

I'm a bit confused how only he paid for his child maintenance if you were married. Surely when you're married your money is all joint money so the two of you pool together and everything that is paid out comes from that shared pool?

NeedAHoliday2021 · 07/09/2022 12:55

My dm recently had a significant inheritance and gave db and I £10k each plus £15k for my dad (her dh). He’s not great with money but needs a new car. She also paid for lots of the work needed on their house which is a project so both benefit from speeding up the work.

similarly, I used an inheritance for a new family car, conservatory and treated myself to a new laptop I wanted.

if it were dh we’d speak about what he wanted for himself and a joint benefit. He’d never keep it to himself so I’d be hurt although maybe second marriage you’re more protective?

sundayvibeswig22 · 07/09/2022 12:55

Dh and I have always had separate accounts. We earn pretty much the same and if there's been disparity in the past the other one has paid a bit more. We each pay bills that equal the same. We buy for our dc equally and split holiday costs etc. we don't have a mortgage, debt or any big outgoings. No joint account. Has worked very well for us for the past 20 years. We're both quite easy going though.

My dh has had 2 small inheritances and I never felt any ownership of them. He put most of them into his pension pot (his was smaller than mine). I think the rest is in his savings.

Your dh does sound a bit tight though. Expecting you to pay half your birthday meal is ridiculous (unless he couldn't afford it).

Pinkdelight3 · 07/09/2022 12:55

Frankly I'd divorce the tight-fisted sod and see how far the it's-my-money rhetoric gets him when it comes to the settlement.

By the sounds of it, it'd probably go fine for him as it'd be a five-year, second marriage and, as several have pointed out, inheritance usually isn't a shared asset in these circumstances.

Pinkdelight3 · 07/09/2022 12:56

(Nor has he said 'it's my money', as far as I can tell. That's just how their finances have always been set up on both sides)

MsRosley · 07/09/2022 12:56

I honestly don't understand how someone could love or tolerate a close relationship with a partner who would treat himself to a flash car and holiday while leaving you in debt. Love is a verb, OP. Marriage is a union based on promises to love and cherish one another, for good times and bad, not a bloody business contract. I cannot for the life of my see why you'd put up with this situation. Making you pay for half your own birthday meal is APPALLING behaviour, not some odd little quirk.

deeperthanallroses · 07/09/2022 12:57

BatteryPoweredMammy · 07/09/2022 12:41

In your opening posts, you sound like a carefree single twenty something, not a mature adult. But the fact he’s tight with money (going halves on your birthday meals FFS!), suggests that your relationship isn’t necessarily based on shared ideals. Does he look after you when when you’re sick, for instance?

Do you not regularly sit down and have sensible discussions about money, savings and debts. Especially with regards to the current financial climate and soaring inflation rates?

To be honest, I think you’re being very short sighted and simply hoping for the best. You’re already in your mid-40’s. You’ll be mid-50’s before you can blink.

What plans have you agreed if ;

one of you is made redundant? Will you be expected to use up any savings/get into debt to continue to pay 50% of the bills?

one of you gets sick and has to give up working and live on sickness benefits. Hopefully, you realise that most benefits are determined on your joint incomes, not expenditure, and if you’re sick you could be left with zero income.

what ages are you hoping to retire at and how will you fund it?

I’m in my late 50’s and already 4 of my good friends are dead. All had been in relationships and working full time in good jobs. You cannot assume that you’re going to stay healthy and still be happily working till you’re 70.

As you’re married, you really ought to be able to discuss this inheritance in terms of your joint financial future proofing. The fact he wants to blow significant sums on himself and hasn’t offered to pay off your small-ish debt speaks volumes as to how quickly he might ditch you if your financial circumstances change for the worse.

Honestly, you need to get your head out of the sand and think about your future with this man who appears not to care as much about you as you do about him. Think about that!

I think all of the above. You pay for his birthday meal but he doesn’t pay for you on a birthday meal, it sounds stingy of him. It’s perfectly reasonable to be worried about how retirement will work between you, you need to discuss it. It is perfectly reasonable to think he might want to book a nice holiday for the two of you- I’d expect it from my Dh. Or as you say, pay off your debt. You should have discussed it ages ago, it’s a bit more awkward now with this money landed. I think the best thing to say it’s been bothering me a little for a while now- I’ve always been happy to pay my share and more and I’m not sure I see that back - I happily paid half for your dc for this and that, I pay for your birthday meal, but you don’t pay for mine. It’s starting to worry me as we get closer to retirement age that if anything goes wrong, where I’d have taken care of you you will leave me high and dry.

Choconut · 07/09/2022 12:57

It sounds like money is kept separate in your marriage - so I guess it's just an extension of that? In ours all our money is in joint accounts so any inheritance is also joint

Blossomtoes · 07/09/2022 13:00

Like us, you don’t have joint finances and we’ve both had inheritances in the last few years. Neither of us would have cleared the other’s debts with the money. When I got mine I paid the mortgage off, when he got his he spent a hefty amount on home improvements. We both had roughly similar amounts left over and we merged them into an investment account in both our names.

You seem to want it both ways - separate finances when it suits you and a share of his money when it suits you. It doesn’t work like that.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 07/09/2022 13:04

FYI, a few years ago I bought a car for 60k plus - intially i was looking at 40k - but my OH and the adult child that lives with us wanted me to have the 60k+ car - i was outvoted and we could afford it so it was a joint decision as we always go via a vote on large spends

Nuts. You lose ££££ the minute you drive it off the forecourt. I'll never understand why people do this.

Original poster
OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 13:05

We’re not incredibly wealthy and I’ve already explained why I don’t consider it life changing. It doesn’t mean we can stop working.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 07/09/2022 13:06

He sounds mean and tbh it seems like he has a windfall but isn't even thinking of treating his family . I find that odd and rather sad actually .

Winnietheboo · 07/09/2022 13:06

I do think it can get tricky with inheritance, but of course it's selfish of him in this case! Fair enough if he wants to have some out of this big sum for himself- but he could pay your debt at least or something towards the house (which he ultimately benefits from as well).

70sShmeventies · 07/09/2022 13:07

That would be family money in this house without a doubt. That’s so miserly and unkind.

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