my boyfriend likes Andrew Tate....emotional support please?

[PinkStarAtNight]

so I only really came to know of Andrew Tate a few weeks ago when he got banned from the internet and it was on LBC. The way they described comments that he said reminded me of a guy I had overheard my boyfriend laughing at when he was watching TikTok. I had raised an eyebrow at what I heard and my boyfriend had laughed and said 'he's saying everything tongue in cheek, but to be honest a lot of what he says is true.'

I didn't think too much of it until I heard the show on LBC saying he had been banned for his misogynistic comments and harmful influences on young people and they quoted some of what he said...I went to my boyfriend and asked him if this was the guy he sometimes watches clips of. He said yes, it was. We then had a conversation about him being banned and boyfriend said he didn't think he should have been banned, because its cancel culture and all Andrew Tate did was express his opinions. I said that he was spouting misogynistic comments and it was awful/could have a negative impact on young men/as a society we can't allow those sorts of comments etc so of course he should have been banned.

In the last couple of weeks we have had numerous conversations about it, where we have both been tried to be calm and listen to each other's opinions. His argument is that Andrew Tate is standing up for men everywhere who feel oppressed by society and feel that their mental health issues are not recognised or taken seriously. He quoted how men are more likely to commit suicide and don't feel able to talk about their feelings, and women just want to try and 'fix' them by using methods that help women, like talking...but men don't like talking, it doesn't work for them, the thing that works for them is to 'go into' their masculinity.

Recently boyfriend has started saying things like 'women take advange of men', 'women are like annoying children', 'women want to work less than men' etc etc etc...he never said these things before watching Andrew Tate. He's says that Andrew Tate has 'set men free' and made it so they can finally speak their minds. And the fact that he got cancelled as soon as he did that, shows that society isn't ready to listen to men's problems and we (the women, because apparently women have taken control of society) just want to "shut them down". He gets very angry and emotive about this.

After me trying to talk to him more about the problem with some of the things Andrew Tate says, Boyfriend said that when it came to the misogynistic comments the media have misquoted him. So - tonight I sat down and watched some of his interviews on YouTube. I could barely stand to sit through them. The stuff that comes out of his mouth is vile. I started to send boyfriend messages quoting what Andrew Tate was saying in the interview I was watching...

for example:
"a father who is around for his child is like a second mother...a mother is there to keep a child alive, a father is there to make an impact"

"if you're there all the time you're gonna lose to an degree you're mystery....

"the biggest mistake fathers make is that they let the woman convince them that to be a good father they have to be there all the time....a man used to be at war or down in the coal mines...now he's at home changing nappies like a punk"

"For a female to retain her attractiveness to a man she has to retain a air of mystery..."

"If we accept biology no man is completely a one woman man...the male evolutionary imperative is not to have just one female....now there are dudes out there who will disagree with me but those are dudes that have got low testosterone and they ain't got no money and they ain't nothing...'

'Women are essentially like children"

"Chicks don't pay for anything"

I sent these quotes to my boyfriend, and pointed out to him to that in fact his idol had just insulted him, because my boyfriend firmly believes in being faithful in a relationship and never cheating...and yet Andrew Tate says that my boyfriend thinks that way because he 'has low testosterone and is nothing'.

Boyfriend has now blocked me, after sending the above messages to him.

I feel so upset and confused. I wish I could talk to my girlfriends but tbh they already don't like him very much and if I'm overreacting I don't want to get them all riled up and make it a thing for them to bring up when we get together, but I need a bit of a hand hold so I'm coming here.

Be gentle please. I don't know if IABU or what to do, I just feel upset/angry/confused. Maybe I should be trying to understand his point of view more but I just can't get my head around it.

Just to counter him, would he be happy to chuckle along to racist views and language if the person ‘had a point’?

Also to put this controversial statement out there, as a mental health professional some of the things Andrew Tate have come out with have made me wonder if he was abused as a child. Seems like classic Freudian defence mechanisms at play, and unfortunately male victims of CSA are very susceptible to this kind of radicalisation.

There is a problem in society with poor mental health for all genders. A fundamental problem is the way society treats men and women differently; men are three times more likely to kill themselves, but actually women are three times more likely to attempt suicide. Often women won’t end actually end their lives and self rescue because of their caring responsibilities to others and they employ less violent methods.

The way to improve this to improve equality between the sexes- otherwise known as feminism!

Instead of expecting men to lean into hypermasculinity (which caused problems in the first place when men feel inadequate compared to these values!) we should be encouraging talking and most importantly taking active roles in their childrens lives. An involved, caring attachment to a father figure is a strong predictor for future good mental health.
Incidentally one route to improving womens mental health means teaching girls to value looks less and not imposing caring responsibilities on them.

Andrew Tate claims to care about men’s mental health and then accuses men who don’t subscribe 100% to his views not real men and lacking testosterone? I think he would rip the piss out of your boyfriend for wanting a ‘supportive relationship’!

Shouldnt he just be hustling for money and choking teenagers- that’s the AT alleged route to happiness and in my perception a hollow vacuous existence.

I’m sure Andrew Tate would rip the piss out of my husband who has a completely equal parenting role to our daughter and has taken shared parental leave etc.
However my husband is very happy, we have a really active sex life and have done even with a Newborn as we both pull our weight in the house and relationship, he feels comfortable in himself and with his role as husband and father, and feels valued.
He thinks AT is an utter knob and hopes your now ex never has a daughter.

Just want to say thank you for all the responses and support. I'm still reading through all the recent comments. I've spent the last hour in bed watching Line of Duty (late to it I know) and having a gin. Just trying to take my mind of things really.

I know that we probably shouldn't be together because we're not good for each other and it's not working that well. A PP said 'relationships aren't supposed to be that hard' (sorry can't remember who it was) and that's so true, but this is my first and only relationship (I'm 25) and I can't imagine it being any other way. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I already miss him and feel like our lives are already so entwined. I do tend to get overly attached to everything and everyone though, and maybe he's not feeling the same. I know it should be easier than this to let go and move on. I have severe mental health issues (Pure OCD) anxiety/depression and a difficult family background/home life so it's probably harder for me to let go than others. My boyfriend has been a great help with my mental health and home issues and has been like a rock. Without him I feel lost. And even if I could survive perfectly well on my own, I love him as a person and miss him. I want him to be happy too, and I don't want to feel like I've 'shouted him down' or labelled him as a misogynist when he's not.

The other thing that's confusing me is that once he had introduced me to Jordan Peterson and I watched some of his lectures on relationships, I did actually think that he talks a lot of sense. He's radical, yes, but I still still there's a lot that he says that I agree with, just about life and relationships in general. He's a realist. (For example when he says that realistically you're not going to get that many chances in life to find someone who you love, loves you back, agrees with your fundamental life view and that you can live harmoniously with, so despite what everyone tells you, the clock really is ticking in terms of finding a good partner, and that applies t o both men and women. If he's said other misogynistic things that I'm not aware of then that's different. but what I've heard from him seems radical but makes sense.) My boyfriend says Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate are in the same league (as do others) but with JP I can see where he's coming from and respect his views once I listen to him in context. With Andrew Tate, no amount of listening to him and giving him a chance will change the fact that everything he says is toxic, dangerous and indefensible. But how does that work if they're in the same category?

Also, the only thing that I can slightly agree with AT on is how the covid regulations went too far. And actually it has crossed my mind that there was something off about the whole thing and that it was exaggerated for some sort of agenda. So if I can see where he's coming from with that, doesn't that make me just as worthy of being cancelled? Isn't that what my boyfriend is saying, that you can agree with some aspects of what someone has to say whilst disagreeing with other things they say, but it doesn't make you a bad person?

My anxiety is very centred around whether I'm a good person or not so this has put my head into a spin and I feel so confused about everything.

We have a planned social thing this weekend with another couple who are our mutual friends. I asked boyfriend if we should cancel and tell them we've broken up, but we've already paid for the booking so boyfriend says he still wants us to go, as friends.

My head is fried!! And I've just realised how much I've typed! Sorry!

Videos about how you 'only get one chance' sound like the sort of shit abusers say to stop you leaving. It's a load of shite. You're clinging to a bully of a man who's probably been taking advantage of your issues and past. Abusers like the vulnerable. They don't leave.

Let the garbage take itself out. He’s used a whole lot of words just to prove he is in fact misogynistic. Plus the continued use of ‘bcos’ is enough to throw him back.

Everything about this relationship sounds miserable and hard. You recognise you get overly attached. That’s good. Recognise it for what it is and move on. You’ll be much happier in the future without this incel-in-training, I give you my word.

After four years, you've been so used to being with him, it's a way of life. Don't be afraid of being on your own for a while, don't think you'll never find someone else.

Thank your lucky stars you are free to walk away from this relationship, not tied to him with children. No messy divorce.

You are still so young , you have your life ahead of you. When you are with the right partner , it's not hard work, it's easy, you delight each other, you make each other happy. He was never the one for you and it's best to find it out now.

You don't have to agree with your partner about everything. You can have different views. It's about whether your basic values align.

It's fine to say that while you agree with some parts of what Tate says,, you find him to be misogynist and don't want to engage with his ideas about women or relationships. It should be okay for you to say that and for your bf to respect that. It's even okay to say you feel worried about what effect your bf's views might have on your relationship. Is it changing his values, does he want different things now? Or do you? It's worth talking about.

But instead of communicating, you're having huge rows. He's blocking you, you're posting on social media - it's all very intense and dramatic.

It also sounds like neither of you are totally ready to step away from the relationship. Obviously you should cancel the outing with friends if you're broken up. It all sounds very sad, OP. But if you can't communicate and your values don't align, then there's no future and it's best to break it off. You're still young - you'll meet someone.

OK I'm supposed to be going to bed but had to reply. Firstly, let go of the notion of purely 'good' or 'bad' people, we're all flawed, you sound like you're trying your best, but you or I or anyone else will never be a purely good person because it doesn't exist in humans. The problem you have with your boyfriend is that his world views have changed and it doesn't sound like he's open to being educated so it's time to move on. My DP started mentioning Jordan Peterson a whole ago so I sat down and explained how fucking awful it is to be a woman still. He listened and educated himself, he didn't block me etc. So we're still together. I too agree with some things JP says but not others about women. I understand this Tate guy to be a criminal rapist and trafficker of women. Now, I'm sure even he has someone who loves him, sometimes says some things that make sense, and probably sometimes does kind things. Perhaps he uses the money from the trafficking to pay for his sick grandma's hospital bills. That doesn't mean anyone should listen to his insidious ideas on women, let alone follow them. Even Hitler had a girlfriend, liked painting and had lots of mates, doesn't mean we should think his ideas or actions were great. Im waffling

Basically LTB!

Oh OP, you're only 25. You're trying to over complicate a situation that doesn't need it. You've had a whole thread of women who've denounced him. Also you're vulnerable to manipulation as you confuse someone being supportive of your health conditions as being a good person overall. Wayne Couzens was a doting husband apparently and still raped and murdered a woman. You've fallen into the classic trap of thinking a person with some good traits isn't bad, or can't get more rotten with time.

People don't get 'cancelled' like Andrew Tate did just because the public disagree with him. He was preaching actual hatred and violence against women, which is a dangerous phenomenon. Your bf thinks it's funny, if Andrew Tate came up to you and said what he does to millions, would your bf laugh along? Your bf is a coward, rather then fix his problems and find sensible solutions, he is listening to some idiot click bait with zero expertise or intelligence. It's like listening to the local mental health case walking the streets with a loudspeaker telling you he can help you find peace. I'm sure if you analysed him this carefully you'd find things he says that make sense too.

He's blocked you once, dumped you once and you're STILL thinking you've don't something wrong. At this point the writing is on the wall. He doesn't want to be with you and sensibly too - arguing over fundamentals at 25 is a bad start. Best to gather your self respect and just leave. Find a man with healthier coping mechanisms. And gather your self respect and just go. Don't wait around to be dumped again please.

Oh gosh no no no. I couldn't stick a guy who thinks those things even as a friend. Red flags everywhere. Dump him and find a guy who dislikes Andrew Tate.

The main issue with guys like Tate is they make it seem like it's ok to think/say misogynistic things and validates instead of challenges them. What a creep.

This had me rolling. But yes... 100% yes.

Interesting theory. You could be on to something. The OP’s switch of mindset is weird. As is the verbatim message from the boyfriend.

A lot of what your bf says is fair enough, but to say JP and AT are in the same camp is untrue

Why does there always have to be someone on every AIBU thread that turns on the OP and makes them into the villain?

Is it so 'off' and 'wary' for me to be confused about how I feel towards someone/about the situation in general and also to still feel attached to someone who I've spent four years with and not just be ok with it all being over just because he's recently started watching AT?

I hate AT, I tried to make myself sit through his videos to give my boyfriend a fair chance, but I couldn't listen to him. Everything that comes out of his mouth is vile, which is why I ended up having such an explosive argument with my boyfriend. Jordan Peterson was different. I could listen to him and think 'that's quite a radical view/I'm not sure I 100% I agree with that, but he may have a point....he says some useful things about how to deal with arguments in a relationship etc etc' - two very different reactions. My boyfriend says they're in the same category, so I now feel confused about what that means about me and how I've reacted to them both. And I'm upset that I was willing to talk to my boyfriend and work through things because I love him but he has so easily cut me off.

What exactly is your reason for wanting to be so horrible to people who are just wanting support?

Why flog a dead horse OP?
It's dead in the water.
You've shown him this thread now - he's not going to listen to you.
As he says pretty clearly he wants someone who agrees with him.
I'm sorry OP - it's time to let him go and focus on looking after yourself.
He's got Andrew Tate to look after him now.

Jordan Peterson wouldn't have become famous, Joe Rogan wouldn't be no1 podcast in the world and Andrew Tate wouldn't be most talked about and googled guy in the world if all the men that listen to them are just immature, unintelligent and misogynistic

Big steaming turds attract a lot of flies 🤷‍♀️

OP, you say you told him about the thread and he was not exactly happy - but then you posted his (odious) reply?

Its not a great idea to be having your break up conversation on AIBU.

And stop giving this dweeb AT publicity. People who have never heard of him will be Googling now. This is exactly he's the wants.

Those who shout loudest are the most insecure in the room. I think this sums up AT. The man is a joke.

I'm sure even Hitler made the odd reasonable comment in his lifetime. So what?

You are allowing this bf to get into your head with all his pathetic convoluted wittering. Who cares about this fool who struts snd squawks on YouTube? Who cares?

Don't you want a real man with standards and integrity? Stop letting this dweeb and his internet guru dweeb live rent free in your head. Make the decision, shut the door move on. Who needs to be swamped in this drivel ffs?

I don't know much about JP but generally - just because someone has a reasonable point to make about one subject it doesn't mean they're therefore 'a good person' or 'right about everything'. I'm sure Nigel Farage and I might find something we agreed on but I disagree on everything else I've seen him say/do!

I sympathise with your Pure OCD.

My boyfriend says they're in the same category, so I now feel confused about what that means about me and how I've reacted to them both.

This is terrible logic. 'Same category' is subjective anyway. You need to look at each claim or assertion and see where they start becoming false.

Get the book I recommended! It's an easy read and will open your eyes! (NB I'm not the author )

It’s like get back in your box but you’ve jumped out but now want to go back for a quiet life.

now he’s shown you who he is don’t let familiarity stop you needing to end this relationship. As he unblocked you for his point of view and sod yours as he isn’t listening.

he will get worse if you continue this relationship because If in his eyes you step out of line well….. escalation to abuse.

Just thought I'd share this anecdote with you OP. I am 48 snd had never heard of this AT. We were on holiday recently in Turkey and my DD (13) was on the beach with her friend. Some boys a little older started harassing them - "You two shouldn't be out relaxing - you should be in the kitchen learning to cook." "You can be my cousin's third wife if you want - we are Andrew Tate fans..," Playing clips of AT ranting on their phones. Then followed some even worse comments about p*** and how they can get it any time and girls are only useful for two things - that and serving men. All proud AT fans and using him as justification.

This is the impact of this vile men on children and what girls are now having to put up with day in day out as a result.

Your 'bf' is colluding with child abuse. Is that enough for you?

As soon as the girls told us what had happened, my elder son, who is 19, just said words to the effect of "don't even discuss that scum bag - it's giving him airtime."

So if a 19 year-old can see it OP, why can't your bf? And why are you doubting yourself? I can't believe you're still considering going to dinner with him!

Run... now... fast!!

I personally think you're being unreasonable.

Andrew Tate is one of the most popular figures on the internet right now. It is virtually impossible not to see and view his content right now. Just because your boyfriend watched a few videos and began saying some anti-feminist things doesn't make him a bad guy.

He's an independent person with his own thoughts. He probably resents you for trying to control his thoughts.

It comes down to this:

Does he support you?
Has even ever physically abused you?
Does he treat you respectfully?
Do you enjoy spending your time with him?
Are you attracted to him?

That's all that matters.

You've basically let a group of people decide for you to dump your BF because he consumed some of the most popular content in the world right now.

Being anti-feminist definitely does make him a bad guy. Anti-feminist is the same as pro-misogynist. I think bigotry against your partner is a very good reason for ending a relationship.

This entire thread is disgusting to be honest. I just finished reading all of it.

Every single person in here is acting like your boyfriend picked up his fist and smashed it into your face.

He repeated a few Andrew Tate lines and all the sudden he's now an abuser?

Maybe (just maybe) it's possible for someone to have opposing viewpoints from feminism and still be a productive, safe member of society.

In fact, I would consider that healthy. That's the only way to have a balanced viewpoint. Otherwise, you'll just become a robot repeating what the group says is safe to think.