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AIBU?

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Original poster

my boyfriend likes Andrew Tate....emotional support please?

320 replies

PinkStarAtNight · 06/09/2022 22:12

so I only really came to know of Andrew Tate a few weeks ago when he got banned from the internet and it was on LBC. The way they described comments that he said reminded me of a guy I had overheard my boyfriend laughing at when he was watching TikTok. I had raised an eyebrow at what I heard and my boyfriend had laughed and said 'he's saying everything tongue in cheek, but to be honest a lot of what he says is true.'

I didn't think too much of it until I heard the show on LBC saying he had been banned for his misogynistic comments and harmful influences on young people and they quoted some of what he said...I went to my boyfriend and asked him if this was the guy he sometimes watches clips of. He said yes, it was. We then had a conversation about him being banned and boyfriend said he didn't think he should have been banned, because its cancel culture and all Andrew Tate did was express his opinions. I said that he was spouting misogynistic comments and it was awful/could have a negative impact on young men/as a society we can't allow those sorts of comments etc so of course he should have been banned.

In the last couple of weeks we have had numerous conversations about it, where we have both been tried to be calm and listen to each other's opinions. His argument is that Andrew Tate is standing up for men everywhere who feel oppressed by society and feel that their mental health issues are not recognised or taken seriously. He quoted how men are more likely to commit suicide and don't feel able to talk about their feelings, and women just want to try and 'fix' them by using methods that help women, like talking...but men don't like talking, it doesn't work for them, the thing that works for them is to 'go into' their masculinity.

Recently boyfriend has started saying things like 'women take advange of men', 'women are like annoying children', 'women want to work less than men' etc etc etc...he never said these things before watching Andrew Tate. He's says that Andrew Tate has 'set men free' and made it so they can finally speak their minds. And the fact that he got cancelled as soon as he did that, shows that society isn't ready to listen to men's problems and we (the women, because apparently women have taken control of society) just want to "shut them down". He gets very angry and emotive about this.

After me trying to talk to him more about the problem with some of the things Andrew Tate says, Boyfriend said that when it came to the misogynistic comments the media have misquoted him. So - tonight I sat down and watched some of his interviews on YouTube. I could barely stand to sit through them. The stuff that comes out of his mouth is vile. I started to send boyfriend messages quoting what Andrew Tate was saying in the interview I was watching...

for example:
"a father who is around for his child is like a second mother...a mother is there to keep a child alive, a father is there to make an impact"

"if you're there all the time you're gonna lose to an degree you're mystery....

"the biggest mistake fathers make is that they let the woman convince them that to be a good father they have to be there all the time....a man used to be at war or down in the coal mines...now he's at home changing nappies like a punk"

"For a female to retain her attractiveness to a man she has to retain a air of mystery..."

"If we accept biology no man is completely a one woman man...the male evolutionary imperative is not to have just one female....now there are dudes out there who will disagree with me but those are dudes that have got low testosterone and they ain't got no money and they ain't nothing...'

'Women are essentially like children"

"Chicks don't pay for anything"

I sent these quotes to my boyfriend, and pointed out to him to that in fact his idol had just insulted him, because my boyfriend firmly believes in being faithful in a relationship and never cheating...and yet Andrew Tate says that my boyfriend thinks that way because he 'has low testosterone and is nothing'.

Boyfriend has now blocked me, after sending the above messages to him.

I feel so upset and confused. I wish I could talk to my girlfriends but tbh they already don't like him very much and if I'm overreacting I don't want to get them all riled up and make it a thing for them to bring up when we get together, but I need a bit of a hand hold so I'm coming here.

Be gentle please. I don't know if IABU or what to do, I just feel upset/angry/confused. Maybe I should be trying to understand his point of view more but I just can't get my head around it.

OP posts:
WhereshouldIgo · 07/09/2022 17:59

Get rid. Why would you stay with a misogynist??
make no mistake - Andrew Tate is the worst kind of toxic male - claiming that men are ‘victims’ of women while advocating DV, abuse of women, calling them bitches, and on an on.

ganvough · 07/09/2022 17:59

He's right when he says you're incompatible and the relationship has run its course. Take that as a win that it's not a hateful or angry break up and walk away in peace. You don't need to psycho analyse his thoughts on the matter - he's explained it well. I personally still think supporting a misogynistic man is misogynistic even if he's only doing it for the laughs. There are much better male role models or life coaches out there.

Why does it have to be a man v woman thing??? He can just listen to Tony Robbins if he wants a bombastic loud mouth American influencer to help him live his best life.

GreenManalishi · 07/09/2022 17:59

Of course he's also a Trump supporter, he's a perfect right wing nightmare. Wave him off.

Don't second guess yourself that you've made this up, or got it wrong. It's unfortunately very real.

ganvough · 07/09/2022 18:09

we can work out for ourselves if someone is dangerous or if we hate them we can stop watching, we don't need censorship

This is rubbish. We can also work out for ourselves if racist, sexist, homophobic comments are actually dangerous or just talk and they're still considered a hate crime. It isn't just about whether he and his band of merry men can distinguish it as lolz or not, it's whether it risks radicalisation that causes hate crimes. It's why the incel movement is so carefully scrutinised now too.

WhereshouldIgo · 07/09/2022 18:11

@PinkStarAtNight Take your BFs advice and split. You deserve better than some self-pitying excuse for a man trying to pin his self woes on women and the world at large.
There are plenty of grown men out there who can see through Andrew Tate -
anyone who thinks a man saying they have sex with a woman like this ‘ slap,slap,choke, shit up bitch, sex’ is some kind of idol for men needs his head examined.
oh, a Tate says depression isn’t real, Covid was a hoax, and that he moved to Romania because their rape laws are lax..
I mean, c’mon. It takes a lot for companies that make money off rent-a-gobs like Tate to decide he’s too toxic even for their toxic platforms.

WhereshouldIgo · 07/09/2022 18:12

I know lots of men who think Tate is an absolute prick. There are plenty of decent guys out there for you. Sounds like you dodged a bullet on this one, quite frankly.

TitoMojito · 07/09/2022 18:13

I'm sorry but men who follow Andrew Tate, Joe Rogan, Jordan Peterson et al are a cult. They listen to this nonsense and become brainwashed and it's very difficult to pull them back into sense. Your only real option here is to leave. It's only going to get worse, unfortunately. It's a slippery slope from Andrew Tate misogyny to full blown InfoWars conspiracy theorist.

Softplayhooray · 07/09/2022 18:16

PinkStarAtNight · 06/09/2022 22:12

so I only really came to know of Andrew Tate a few weeks ago when he got banned from the internet and it was on LBC. The way they described comments that he said reminded me of a guy I had overheard my boyfriend laughing at when he was watching TikTok. I had raised an eyebrow at what I heard and my boyfriend had laughed and said 'he's saying everything tongue in cheek, but to be honest a lot of what he says is true.'

I didn't think too much of it until I heard the show on LBC saying he had been banned for his misogynistic comments and harmful influences on young people and they quoted some of what he said...I went to my boyfriend and asked him if this was the guy he sometimes watches clips of. He said yes, it was. We then had a conversation about him being banned and boyfriend said he didn't think he should have been banned, because its cancel culture and all Andrew Tate did was express his opinions. I said that he was spouting misogynistic comments and it was awful/could have a negative impact on young men/as a society we can't allow those sorts of comments etc so of course he should have been banned.

In the last couple of weeks we have had numerous conversations about it, where we have both been tried to be calm and listen to each other's opinions. His argument is that Andrew Tate is standing up for men everywhere who feel oppressed by society and feel that their mental health issues are not recognised or taken seriously. He quoted how men are more likely to commit suicide and don't feel able to talk about their feelings, and women just want to try and 'fix' them by using methods that help women, like talking...but men don't like talking, it doesn't work for them, the thing that works for them is to 'go into' their masculinity.

Recently boyfriend has started saying things like 'women take advange of men', 'women are like annoying children', 'women want to work less than men' etc etc etc...he never said these things before watching Andrew Tate. He's says that Andrew Tate has 'set men free' and made it so they can finally speak their minds. And the fact that he got cancelled as soon as he did that, shows that society isn't ready to listen to men's problems and we (the women, because apparently women have taken control of society) just want to "shut them down". He gets very angry and emotive about this.

After me trying to talk to him more about the problem with some of the things Andrew Tate says, Boyfriend said that when it came to the misogynistic comments the media have misquoted him. So - tonight I sat down and watched some of his interviews on YouTube. I could barely stand to sit through them. The stuff that comes out of his mouth is vile. I started to send boyfriend messages quoting what Andrew Tate was saying in the interview I was watching...

for example:
"a father who is around for his child is like a second mother...a mother is there to keep a child alive, a father is there to make an impact"

"if you're there all the time you're gonna lose to an degree you're mystery....

"the biggest mistake fathers make is that they let the woman convince them that to be a good father they have to be there all the time....a man used to be at war or down in the coal mines...now he's at home changing nappies like a punk"

"For a female to retain her attractiveness to a man she has to retain a air of mystery..."

"If we accept biology no man is completely a one woman man...the male evolutionary imperative is not to have just one female....now there are dudes out there who will disagree with me but those are dudes that have got low testosterone and they ain't got no money and they ain't nothing...'

'Women are essentially like children"

"Chicks don't pay for anything"

I sent these quotes to my boyfriend, and pointed out to him to that in fact his idol had just insulted him, because my boyfriend firmly believes in being faithful in a relationship and never cheating...and yet Andrew Tate says that my boyfriend thinks that way because he 'has low testosterone and is nothing'.

Boyfriend has now blocked me, after sending the above messages to him.

I feel so upset and confused. I wish I could talk to my girlfriends but tbh they already don't like him very much and if I'm overreacting I don't want to get them all riled up and make it a thing for them to bring up when we get together, but I need a bit of a hand hold so I'm coming here.

Be gentle please. I don't know if IABU or what to do, I just feel upset/angry/confused. Maybe I should be trying to understand his point of view more but I just can't get my head around it.

I remember the first time I ever got stoned in my teens, writing my incredible thoughts for posterity. I read them the next morning and the horrific pretentious dim wankery horrified me! 🤣 Yet it's how Andrew Tate sounds all the time. So TBH, to like that stuff without finding it turgid, dim (& all the other crap, like extremely misogynistic) your boyfriend must think in that turgid, dim way, too. Really, you had a lucky escape. What a moron.

whatamigoing2do · 07/09/2022 18:22

My 17 year old dumped her boyfriend for, among other red flags, being a fan of Andrew Tate. I am so glad she knows her worth and wants better tan a pathetic Andrew Tate fanboy

CatsandFish · 07/09/2022 18:33

beastlyslumber · 07/09/2022 16:58

Never share the thread with the person the thread is about!

This should be posted at the top of every thread. It's always a bad idea.

I don't know anything about Andrew Tate. Maybe you have misrepresented him/your boyfriend's views, OP, but in any case it sounds like you are completely incompatible and your discussions obviously cause you a lot of upset. Sounds like the relationship has run its course.

I don't agree with this at all. Not at all! Sometimes these men need to truly understand how dangerous, vicious and abhorrent their views are. Sometimes the best advice of all, is to get the other person to read the thread.

CatsandFish · 07/09/2022 18:38

PinkStarAtNight · 07/09/2022 16:22

I sent him a message today asking him to read this thread. He read a bit of it, sent me some very calm messages outlining how I have misrepresented what his views are and how he's not a misogynist and has said he wants to break up

OP, let him break up with you. He is doing you the biggest favour. Ever. Though it should be you breaking up with him. He is not worthy of you. He doesn't want to admit it but he definitely is a misogynist. He is vile. Any male who thinks women have it easy, when women have lost more rights since the 1960s than we have gained, is showing their male privilege. He has no idea. Worse, he won't even apologise to you when he has been exposed for what and who he truly is. His ideas are abhorrent, and by him breaking up with you, please believe me and others, you have dodged a bullet. He will be an incel and will forever be wondering why no woman wants to date him. He is too far gone and can't be educated. His beliefs are abhorrent to anyone, women or men. You are far too good for him, and on some level I believe he always knew that. Know your worth.

sagalooshoe · 07/09/2022 18:40

Andrew Tate's weird shrunken head clearly houses a strangely small, underdeveloped brain.

Stickworm · 07/09/2022 18:43

After your latest post - HOW ARE YOU STILL THINKING YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN UNREASONABLE?! I despair.

CatsandFish · 07/09/2022 18:43

PinkStarAtNight · 07/09/2022 17:28

He sent this message:

"Ok I'm gonna say what I think about your post and then I'm not gonna continue to reply bcos we'll argue and I don't want my day ruined.

I don't really think you've gotten across what I said very well, you're either lying (which I don't believe) or have just forgotten what I said. I never said 'women take advantage of men', 'Tate has set men free', 'Tate has given me a voice'.

I also don't think you understand what most men are thinking about AT. If you just watch what he says you're going to think that this is what all men now think. It's kinda like if you support JK Rowling people might say you're transphobic. Or if you think Trump was better president than Biden (I do) then you're also racist.

But I've watched podcasts where's there's men talking about AT and I've been on a night out and talked about AT and all men are saying the same thing. That he's pretty funny, says interesting things about mens' health and is a bit misogynistic. We all pretty much agree he's misogynistic, it's obvious, but he's doing it to be funny most of the time, and even if he's not we seem to be able to just laugh at those bits and not take them seriously.

As for him being banned, I don't believe that anyone should be banned EVER. I don't agree with it. Even a Liberal news show in America said they didn't agree with him being banned bcos it's condescending, we can work out for ourselves if someone is dangerous or if we hate them we can stop watching, we don't need censorship.

As for the 'get used to it' comment, I meant get used to hearing about Jordan Perterson or Andrew Tate or anyone else that comes along bcos the issue probs isn't going away and by censoring people you're just making men more pissed off.

As for the 'wait for him to grow up thing' this seems to be a common theme amongst women where if men profess and opinion that they don't agree with its immature and they're unintelligent. I know you think it's a sexist comment but once again... if I went on the radio and called women who were talking about feminism immature, stupid and said they just need to grow up a bit I'd be cut off and banned and it's not fair.

Jordan Peterson wouldn't have become famous, Joe Rogan wouldn't be no1 podcast in the world and Andrew Tate wouldn't be most talked about and googled guy in the world if all the men that listen to them are just immature, unintelligent and misogynistic. Comments like that are incredibly condescending and are the very reason we listen to these people in the first place.

Also if you were wanting to learn more about all this sort of stuff, there's a female podcaster on youtube who does podcasts with groups of men and women and basically says the same stuff as JP and AT but just without the misogynistic comments (that are mainly meant for humour imo)"

Wait. He thinks Trump - one of the most immoral, hateful dictators America has ever seen, is better than Biden who is one of the most decent Presidents America has seen?

That, is reason alone for you to dump him in the gutter. This man has no morals at all. His views are absolutely disgusting, and I don't any woman would want him. The sad thing is, he has no idea how absolutely repugnant to anyone - to many men even, as well as women, are. Thinking Trump is satan's representative is a better President than Biden is the only reason I would dump him alone. Forget the rest of his views.

CatsandFish · 07/09/2022 18:48

PinkStarAtNight · 07/09/2022 17:40

He then said that the allegation against AT is completely false, the girl involved has denied it, and he moved to Romania for tax reasons.

I asked him to read the full thread with all of the comments and ways people were describing how this radicalisation thing works, and then we could have a real discussion and he said the following:

"I think it's a bit pointless, we're not going to agree. It's kinda like men not first agreeing with feminism and women being a bit extreme and talking about their issues. Only difference is women didn't get cancelled bcos men were too scared to speak up, women don't have that problem. If you've got something controversial to say there'll be an entire thread ready to back you up. If I started a thread they'd probs ban my account"

And then this:

"But mumsnet is probably right, we're not right for eachother and should probably go our separate ways.

You didn't like JP at the beginning, you don't like Joe Rogan. You liken me to a terrorist and a misogynist and say I hate women. Call me a tory, a snob, hate my family, your friends hate me, your family aren't keen.
I want a supportive relationship. Not a battleground"

(We do argue a lot about the above things he's mentioned. Everyone calls him a 'tory' as a joke, he doesn't like it. And I don't hate his family, it just hasn't always been smooth running with them and I just disagree with a lot of their views/the way they do things and feel uncomfortable in his house a lot of the time. I've been trying to work on it.)

I feel confused about whether I was overreacting and not realising that he can have an opinion without being a misogynist, or whether he's lost his mind. I feel so sad about the way its all worked out. In lots of ways he's a genuinely lovely person and has supported me a lot with anxiety and I feel happier when he's around (when we're not arguing'). I just wish he could say 'omg I had no idea AT was saying stuff like THAT, he's awful, I had no idea, of course he should be banned...' but he just keeps defending him.

Only difference is women didn't get cancelled bcos men were too scared to speak up, women don't have that problem.

Oh, my, god! This 'man' has no idea of his male privilege! It is women who are too scared to speak up, women who get cancelled. This joker is a massive gaslighter who practices DARVO so well. Believe me OP he is so beneath you, you are a queen who walks tall. This man is destined to be an incel and he will always wonder why no woman with self respect will date him. I'd say so much more to describe what a gaslighting DARVOing germ he is, but my post will get zapped and I'd be banned. Please believe us, you are so punching below your weight with this worthless specimen.

LaughingPriest · 07/09/2022 18:48

He's basically proving the old adage that 'women are scared men will kill them, men are scared women will laugh at them' . Oh no he might get called names while people point out his untrue claims!

He's really into labelling the types of things he and others say, rather than actually analysing what they say, isn't he?

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 07/09/2022 18:53

InstaHun88 · 06/09/2022 22:25

If your friends don't like him, that's a massive red flag already. Friends often see things we choose to overlook because we're horny/lonely/desperate.

The fact he likes that stuff is a second red flag.

He's shown you who he is. The next step is your choice. From experience, I can tell you these types of men get worse with age, not better.

100% on all points! Get rid.
Friends are looking out for you and you're probably only seeing the tip of the iceberg!
Onwards and upwards xxx

CatsandFish · 07/09/2022 18:54

OP, you are a Queen and believe us, you've got this! Go woman, hear yourself roar, and have your self esteem with your head held high! You've got this, gal!

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 07/09/2022 18:56

powershowerforanhour · 06/09/2022 22:30

"For the love of God don't get into some strung out process of trying to make him see the error of his ways, get rid"

Yeah, it falls under the "teaching a pig to sing" heading.

Love your pig quote!!

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 07/09/2022 18:57

ffs dump him

PaterPower · 07/09/2022 18:58

He’s done you a favour OP.

Whatinthewonderingfuckisthat · 07/09/2022 19:25

Start by reading the book “Invisible women”
Then tell me you still feel the same for this “man”

southlondonerhere · 07/09/2022 19:26

Yeah sorry, I know it's hard but you can't seriously be with a guy that thinks all this bollocks? Is he 12 years old? You deserve to be with a real man who takes charge of his issues and try's to better himself rather than wallow in self pity, and someone who has high morals and integrity. He can't think very much of you can he? If he thinks this way about women, and what if you one day had a daughter? Bleugh! I couldn't even be attracted to my partner if they thought all this crap. I know it's hard but better things will come!

Also remind your bf that whilst men do commit suicide more than women, women attempt it more

SanaT · 07/09/2022 19:35

God this man sounds like hard work. How boring can you get?

OP, I don't know how you can even be bothered to repost his crap. It's beyond pathetic. How can you even engage with his convoluted shite?

Get yourself a real man - not some little insecure twunt.

beastlyslumber · 07/09/2022 19:52

CatsandFish · 07/09/2022 18:33

I don't agree with this at all. Not at all! Sometimes these men need to truly understand how dangerous, vicious and abhorrent their views are. Sometimes the best advice of all, is to get the other person to read the thread.

Show quote history

No, it's not good. If you're dealing with an abusive person, they will use it as ammunition against you. If it's someone being abused, it's a way to hurt them more. If it's simply a different of opinion/approach, you are hurting someone by dragging them over social media.

NEVER a good idea.

And having read the ex-bf's update, he sounds like a decent person. His views aren't "dangerous" or "vicious" even if you find them abhorrent. They're just views, and he's entitled to them. As you are to yours.