Am I unreasonable for how I am handling my daughter being accused of stealing?

[magsel]

I share a daughter with my ex wife. She lives with her mum about half the time. My ex also has a stepdaughter through her husband. The stepdaughter and my daughter do not get along.

Around a month ago the stepdaughter lost her Nintendo switch. She has blamed my daughter for stealing it to get back at her for calling her names. My ex has since searched all over her house and through our daughters things for to switch and has been unable to find it. She is now convinced that our daughter has hidden the switch in her bedroom at my house.

I am unconvinced because my daughter is a really bad liar. She has a lot of tells and breaks down very easily when caught lying. When I asked her about the switch she was very insistant that she does not know what happened to it. I did not see or hear any indication she was lying. So unless my 11 old daughter magically became the best actress in the world within the past couple days I sincerely doubt she stole the switch.

Still my ex is insisting that I let her search through our daughters room at my house or search the room myself. I however find that to be a massive invasion of privacy. I tend to think about it from the point of view of when I was a kid. I would have felt violating to have my things searched through. It’s not even like I hid anything suspicious or wrong I just wouldn’t have wanted my stuff rifled through. Based upon how upset my daughter was after her mom did it at her house I imagine she feels the same. I am of the personal opinion that it is only okay to go through my child’s things if I have reason to believe they could be doing something dangerous or if I have proof beyond shadow of a doubt that they did something wrong. Her stepsister simply saying she stole the switch is not enough proof in my opinion.

Things escalated from there and my ex then gave our daughters switch to her stepsister until hers showed back up. A few days later when I went to pick my daughter up she grabbed the switch and quickly got in my car (I didn’t know about this as she had it in her backpack). When I got home my ex called because they found out my daughter had taken her switch. My ex was irate and demanded I bring it back. After thinking about it I refused to because again she had nothing other than her stepdaughter word as “proof”. Therefore I found her punishment unwarranted. Since I was the one who paid for our daughters switch I saw no reason for my ex to demand it be given to her stepdaughter.

After that my ex started taking away our daughters allowance. We normally take turns giving her her allowance every other week. My ex decided that she would be taking away our daughter allowance on her weeks and giving it to her stepdaughter until she had enough to buy a new one. So in return I decided to give my daughter her double her allowance on my weeks.

My ex now says I am undermining her parenting by making decisions without her, but she is also making decisions without me and I think her punishment is unjust. Especially when her stepdaughter did not receive any punishment for teasing our daughter. Obviously things have gotten out of hand, but I’m not sure what else to do because my ex is absolutely convinced our daughter took the switch and is refusing to budge or talk about it. It’s quite odd because normally we coparent very well and rarely have any issue.

[NumberTheory]

@nutellachurro

Why does that sadden you?

The ex knows both children, spends more time with them both than the OP

So is the most likely person to be able to make a pure judgement call on what seems most likely

It saddens me because the mum has already put her own desires above her daughter’s by moving in a partner and child the daughter does not get on with. Now the daughter must feel like she has no one in her corner at all when she’s at home at her mum’s house.

While it’s reasonable to think the parent with most knowledge of both children would normally be most likely to make the best judgement, that’s not always going to hold. The mum is unable to articulate why she thinks her DD is likely to have taken the switch, which puts her judgement in doubt and makes the way she’s doubled down unreasonable.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@nutellachurro

Why does that sadden you?

The ex knows both children, spends more time with them both than the OP

So is the most likely person to be able to make a pure judgement call on what seems most likely

Because I have empathy.

[magsel]

I ended up talking to my daughter about looking in her room. I made sure to emphasize that I didn't think she did anything wrong and that she could say no if she was uncomfortable with the idea. She agreed to it. Had her walk me through her things in her room. The switch was not there. I told my ex I looked in our daughters room and the switch was not there. She said our daughter probably already hid it somewhere else and since I waited so long to check it was my fault.

[magsel]

@nutellachurro never said they didn't. They can and obviously do. I said it was morally wrong.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@magsel

I ended up talking to my daughter about looking in her room. I made sure to emphasize that I didn't think she did anything wrong and that she could say no if she was uncomfortable with the idea. She agreed to it. Had her walk me through her things in her room. The switch was not there. I told my ex I looked in our daughters room and the switch was not there. She said our daughter probably already hid it somewhere else and since I waited so long to check it was my fault.

Did you question your ex a bit more on why she's so positive that your daughter took it?

[magsel]

@StaunchMomma yes, I can afford to keep paying her her full allowance and will continue to do so.

[billy1966]

@NumberTheory

It saddens me because the mum has already put her own desires above her daughter’s by moving in a partner and child the daughter does not get on with. Now the daughter must feel like she has no one in her corner at all when she’s at home at her mum’s house.

While it’s reasonable to think the parent with most knowledge of both children would normally be most likely to make the best judgement, that’s not always going to hold. The mum is unable to articulate why she thinks her DD is likely to have taken the switch, which puts her judgement in doubt and makes the way she’s doubled down unreasonable.

Agreed.
A whole month this has dragged on.

With a mother like that who needs enemies.

[magsel]

@Lachimolala honestly, no I wouldn't just go through her phone on some other kids word. If the other kid had actual proof (such as the texts on their phone) then I would.

[nutellachurro]

@magsel

@nutellachurro never said they didn't. They can and obviously do. I said it was morally wrong.

Why is that morally wrong?

Do you think it's morally wrong that rapists are brought to trial, not just arrested, on the word of someone else?

What proof do you think would exist of a sibling stealing from another sibling?

[magsel]

@Onlytheriver I don't know exactly how long my ex has know him. They got married last spring and that's when they moved in together. The first I heard of him was around last Christmas when she announced her engagement.

[magsel]

@1984 I'm not sure she would remember anything from the divorce. She was under the age of two when it happened. I am going to be looking into counseling to help her with the issues at her mothers.

I also have to say it sounds a little naive (or perhaps unobservant) on your end to say your kids never lie.

[frazzledasarock]

OP would you consider having DD move in with you?

how long is your ex wife going to continue punishing your DD? She has no proof or evidence that your DD took the switch. Everywhere of your DD’s property has been searched. How long is this going to continue?

[Crunchingleaf]

@magsel

I ended up talking to my daughter about looking in her room. I made sure to emphasize that I didn't think she did anything wrong and that she could say no if she was uncomfortable with the idea. She agreed to it. Had her walk me through her things in her room. The switch was not there. I told my ex I looked in our daughters room and the switch was not there. She said our daughter probably already hid it somewhere else and since I waited so long to check it was my fault.

I can’t say I am surprised at your Ex’s reaction. She has decided that your daughter is guilty and that is that. This isn’t about a switch at all. Even if she took the switch it’s because she was acting out and needs help to adjust to the new living arrangements. But OP you can’t solve what is going on in your Ex’s home all you can do is make sure your daughter knows she has at least one parent who trusts her.

[JacquelineCarlyle]

It's so good to read that you're supporting your DD - could she live with you full time as her mum doesn't sound supportive of her at all?

[AryaStarkWolf]

@JacquelineCarlyle

It's so good to read that you're supporting your DD - could she live with you full time as her mum doesn't sound supportive of her at all?

At 11, she can't just decide to live with her dad full time, don't be ridiculous 🙄

[Lachimolala]

@magsel

@Lachimolala honestly, no I wouldn't just go through her phone on some other kids word. If the other kid had actual proof (such as the texts on their phone) then I would.

I’m not sure how you can’t see that’s incredibly irresponsible and actually very poor parenting, you should be routinely checking her phone anyway for signs of online bullying, grooming, sexting from or towards her.

[MarillaCuthbertIsSurprised]

We’re meant to be checking their phones are we not

[knockyknees]

Your daughter is being emotionally and mentally abused by her mother (and possibly new stepfamily). I think you need to seek full custody, with her mother having her EOW.

If I was in your daughter's shoes, I'd be refusing to go back there at all. Imagine your own mother calling you a thief and liar over someone who wasn't even part of your life a year or so before.

[Biscuitandacuppa]

@AryaStarkWolf actually at age 12 a child’s choice on residency is taken into account in family court so she isn’t that far off being of an age where her choices are taken into account. I could understand her wanting to live with her dad rather than be the family scapegoat and punished at her mums!

[naughtscrossstitches]

Oh my ... I have read through all your updates particularly about looking through your daughter's room.
I think from what you are saying that something else is happening here and your daughter is being blamed. Whether it is the Step daughter or her mum something has gone really wrong.
I don't know if you can sit down with your ex and have a proper conversation about this given that she seems to be determined to blame your daughter. But something needs to be done. You aren't saying your daughter is innocent of bad behaviour which suggests that you understand that kids will be kids but that you and your daughter have a good enough relationship that you can trust she would come to you with the big things.
Are you able to talk to your daughter about what it has been like living there? Does she want to be living just with you? This sort of accusation shouldn't come out of nowhere so I do wonder if there has been a lot of animosity between the two step siblings because they have been placed in a situation where they are forced to live in close proximity to each other. Things that you aren't seeing because you don't live there.
You do seem to have your priorities straight though and good on you for encouraging therapy to help with this too.I hope that it gets resolved sooner rather than later.
I do wonder if you can point out to your ex through example how bad one person saying something with no proof could be. Maybe turn this on your ex by pointing out that she wouldn't like it if someone else accused her of something and she had her stuff taken away because of one person's word.

[kateandme]

This needs more than counciling. Why should a child be the one getting help to deal with being wronged.she is the victim here in my eyes.and this treatment could make her very poorly.i don't no how she bearing it to be honest.
I'm so glad your sticking up for her.PLEASE be her safe soace.but having to go back to this half the time.its not on.it must be horrific for her and shouldn't have to be tolerated.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@Biscuitandacuppa

@AryaStarkWolf actually at age 12 a child’s choice on residency is taken into account in family court so she isn’t that far off being of an age where her choices are taken into account. I could understand her wanting to live with her dad rather than be the family scapegoat and punished at her mums!

Well don't forget we're only getting one side of the story here as well. I would be interested in hearing the exes version of events too. It's quite common in separated couples for kids to play parents off against each other and it's never good for the child to play into that. It's unfortunate the OP and the ex can't work together for their daughters sake.

[Onlytheriver]

@AryaStarkWolf

Well don't forget we're only getting one side of the story here as well. I would be interested in hearing the exes version of events too. It's quite common in separated couples for kids to play parents off against each other and it's never good for the child to play into that. It's unfortunate the OP and the ex can't work together for their daughters sake.

The OP is getting his information from the Mum, so it's not as if the dd is exaggerating.

[NumberTheory]

@nutellachurro

The police absolutely do search houses based on statements made

Ffs just search her room

The police do, but if your standard for your relationship with your children is that of police and suspect you really aren’t a very good parent.

[ShaneTwane]

@magsel

I ended up talking to my daughter about looking in her room. I made sure to emphasize that I didn't think she did anything wrong and that she could say no if she was uncomfortable with the idea. She agreed to it. Had her walk me through her things in her room. The switch was not there. I told my ex I looked in our daughters room and the switch was not there. She said our daughter probably already hid it somewhere else and since I waited so long to check it was my fault.

I think this was absolutely the right thing to do op.
And good idea re counseling as it must be a very difficult situation for your dd to be in the middle of.
After a month, no proof other than the step daughters word something is very wrong here.

How often does dd stay at yours op?